Feelings are Hard

My refreshed feeling continued all the way until I pulled up my calendar on Monday morning.  I sighed as I looked at it.  When Jeremy came in and told me that he intended to hold off on restarting the next round of groups until at least one person was trained and ready to go, I could have kissed him. This week was the last week of both of the groups I was running, but we had planned to start another round in two weeks.  Now I could breathe a little more easily for now.  I enjoyed facilitating the groups, but they added a lot of work onto my already full plate.

I examined my schedule and found I had left myself a nice hour long lunch break on Wednesday, and texted Brody.  He agreed to keep it open for me.  After that, I knew I couldn't procrastinate any longer, and I got to work.

Monday and Tuesday flew by.  I even managed to meet Kinsley at the gym on Tuesday.  It was nice to see Brody on Wednesday at lunch, because Wednesday was otherwise my longest and worst day.  At lunch, we made plans for him to come to my house on Saturday.  I was planning to make dinner for us in a seriously lacking attempt to thank him for last weekend.

On Thursday, I decided I'd go to happy hour, even though I didn't really feel like it.  I was the last one there, and ended up between Lauren and Savannah, who was sitting next to Brody and didn't move when I came.  I tried to ignore her and catch up with Lauren, but she insisted on talking my ear off about everything and nothing.  I couldn't wrap my head around this new nice act, and it made me nervous.  But I did my best to be polite, not wanting to add any fuel to the crazy fire.

Brody drove me home, and when we got there he parked in the driveway and turned off the car.  He turned to me.  "I have to go to Miami this weekend."

"This weekend?" I parroted.

"I'm sorry, I know it's short notice.  But something happened at the main office and my dad needs some help.  I'm not really sure of the details, but he put me a flight that leaves tomorrow afternoon.  I didn't even have an option."

"Well, that sucks," I said, before I could stop myself.  "I mean, I get it, but I was looking forward to seeing you, since the weekends are pretty much the only time."

"I know," he said sympathetically.  "I don't like it either.  I'll hopefully be back Wednesday or Thursday, so we'll have next weekend at least."  I nodded.  I knew that part of his job was to be at his dad's beck and call, but the late notice with zero flexibility sucked.  I am a planner, and I hate when people change my plans on me.   "I'm not going to the office here tomorrow, so if you want, I can stay tonight."  I agreed, and we went inside.  We got ready for bed right away, had the laziest sex in the world, and were asleep within an hour of leaving happy hour.  In the morning, I woke before my alarm.  I turned it off so Brody could get a little more sleep, and jumped in the shower.  He woke up while I was getting dressed.  We ate a quick breakfast together and said goodbye for the next few days.

Tonight was girls' night, and we had chosen a low-key lounge, for which I was thankful.  We met there at 9, and I had a really good time.  We caught up and drank, and no one disappeared with random guys this time.  I told them about my weekend and confessed something that had been on my mind for a couple weeks.

"So, he's basically a reformed partying manwhore, right?"  They nod.  "Except...he's practically perfect."  Lauren pretended to gag herself.  After a pointed glare, I continue.  "So, he just basically gives and never takes.  I mean, he pays for everything, he's constantly thinking about what I need, and even in bed...the guy never even gives me a chance to do anything for him.  It's all about me."

"And what, exactly, is the problem?" Kinsley asked.  "Do you miss giving BJs?  This sounds like a bragplaint to me."  We laughed.

"It's just that, and I don't know, maybe this is my own paranoia...but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  No one is that perfect.  And all it's doing is making me like him more."

"Maybe he feels bad that he unleashed Savannah's insanity into the world and he's trying to repent," suggested Cassie.

"Maybe he's secretly a murderer and he's trying to trick you," Lauren cackled.

I waited for Kinsley's smart remark, but she just shrugged.  "I've seen the way he looks at you.  I just think he's crazy about you."  Lauren booed her and we laughed.

"Well...I don't know.  It's just all happened so fast--"

Cassie interrupted this time.  "Yeah?  Because I distinctly remember analyzing why he wasn't banging you after the second date!"

"But that's exactly my point!" I exclaimed, getting frustrated that I wasn't explaining myself well.  "Having sex so soon into dating someone is not my thing.  I mean, the tension was building for awhile before we actually went on a date, which makes it a little different, I guess, but the fact that I had not a doubt in my mind about having sex with him, and was mad when he turned me down is crazy to me.  And it's only been like 6 weeks now, and I hate that he's gone.  I don't even know who I am anymore."

All three of them were staring at me.  Finally, Cassie spoke.  "Are you...in love with him?" she asked.

I covered my burning face with my hands.  When I looked up, I shrugged helplessly.  "I don't know," I said truthfully.  "It still doesn't feel real, so I just don't know." 

"But you've clearly considered the possibility," Lauren responded.  I nodded.  "Well, it wouldn't be the strangest thing to ever happen," she said with a shrug.

I didn't feel any more clear on my feelings when we left.  I spent the cab ride home pondering it while Kinsley and Cassie debated the finer points of baseball uniform pants.  By the time the cab dropped me and Cassie off in front of our townhomes, I was actually feeling more stressed about it than I had been when I brought it up.  Cassie hugged me.  "Stop stressing out about whether or not you're in love with him, and just enjoy where it's going," she chided, reading my mind.

"You're right, but you know me, over-analyzing is what I do.  I even get paid to do it!" She shook her head and we parted ways to our respective houses.