All In

I woke up still tangled with Brody.  I shifted slightly and smiled when his arm tightened around my waist.  He pressed his face against my neck before murmuring a good morning.  I wrapped my arm over his and held it tightly to me, not quite ready to move out of the dream of last night and into the tough conversations that were likely to happen today.  I was amazed that I had slept so well.  There hadn't been even a hint of the nightmares that had been tormenting me regularly since my encounter with Jordan.  We laid there for several more minutes before he finally spoke again.

"Hungry?" he asked, he voice gravely from sleep.

I realized that I hadn't eaten anything since lunch the day before and was suddenly starving.  "Yes," I replied, and we got out of bed.  Brody took one look at me in my his ill-fitting clothes and started laughing, and the nerves I felt now in the light of day started to disappear.

"I threw your stuff in the dryer last night, so they should be fine for you to put back on if you want," he said.

"That was smart," I replied.  "I'd better, or I'm going to lose these shorts." I was holding them up so they didn't fall.  He laughed again and led me downstairs.  He disappeared into the laundry room and emerged holding my clothes from last night, now wrinkled but dry.  "Thank you," I said.  Suddenly shy, I went into the nearby bathroom to change.  I folded up Brody's clothes carefully, stalling.  When I emerged, he was cracking eggs into a bowl.  I set his clothes on a chair and joined him in the kitchen.

We made breakfast together, mostly quiet.  When we sat down to eat, Brody went for the elephant in the room.  "I almost didn't answer the door last night," he said, carefully.

"I'm glad you did," I responded quietly, looking down at my plate.

He reached for my hand, and I looked up at him.  "So am I," he said firmly, "but I really wish you had just told me what was going on in your head.  The past few weeks have been hell."  He amended quickly,  "Shit, the past few months have been hell."

"You're telling me," I said with a dry laugh.  He didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue.  I took a deep breath and as the words tumbled out, everything finally seemed to make sense.  "To be honest, there was so much going on in my head that even I was having trouble sorting it out.  I wouldn't have known where to start.  And I'm not very good at talking about feelings."  He nodded, silently encouraging me to go on.  "I was so pissed at you, which isn't fair, but I was.  Maybe not at you, really.  I mean, I understand why you went.  You had to, it would have been really dumb not to.  But I didn't really understand my feelings for you, and talking to you made it all worse.  And then James came along, and I didn't want to go out with him, but he kept showing up, and he was so persistent and patient, and when I finally caved I had a really great time."  He grimaced at this but didn't say anything.  "I didn't think I had much choice but to just forget about my feelings for you, which was easier said than done.  James was really great too.  So when you came back, well..."  I trailed off, not sure where to go next.

"Does he know?" Brody asked quietly.  "Or...what are you going to tell him?  Are you going to..." it was his turn to trail off nervously.

"He called me last night, late.  When I picked up my phone, I was hoping it was you.  When it wasn't, and I was disappointed, I realized that I was with the wrong person and it wasn't fair to either of you.  I told him I was in love with someone else."

"He knew before me?  That's not fair," he said, but he was smiling a little.

"Well, with the way I've been acting, I'm not sure I deserve either one of you.  He's actually the one that made me realize it, though."

"I guess I have two things to thank him for," Brody responded wryly, his eyes going to my arm.  The bruise was long faded but the memory still burned.

"He told me the night of Kinsley's party that you were in love with me.  I hadn't even realized it before that moment.  I actually thought he was crazy.  Then when you kissed me at Kendra's house, I knew he was right.  But I was still having a hell of time sorting out my own feelings.  And I felt like everyone was pulling me in all these different directions and pushing me to make the decisions they wanted me to make. And I was mad, because I didn't get a chance to make any decisions for myself. I didn't get to decide that we were done when you left. I didn't even get to really decide to date James, because he was so persistent. I only went out with him the first time so he'd leave me alone. And then you came back, and it scared me to know that I factored into that decision. It felt like so much pressure to make another decision that wasn't mine. I just wanted everyone to fuck off so I could have some space to make my own choice. And it was easiest to just be pissed at you." I paused. Brody looked like he was trying not to smile, but he didn't say anything.

I continued, "James was the only person that wasn't pushing me to choose. It felt safest there." I paused again, taking a deep breath and thinking hard about how I wanted to say the next part. "Because if I went back to you, I'd have to admit that I was in love with you and that I was hurt when you took away my ability to be part of the decision of what would happen when you left.  And I felt ridiculous for being so upset about it.  I mean, I probably would have made the same decision you did, but at least I'd have had some say in it. And I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to you again.  But I don't know why, because it all seems so obvious now.  I want to be with you.  It's always been you." 

He studied me carefully for a minute.  "You're right. I took away your choice and that wasn't fair. And neither was the pressure I put on you. But I needed you to know that I still wanted to be with you." I nodded. He looked at me for several seconds, then said, "So that's it?  You're done with him? And you're all in here, with me?"

"Well, I probably owe him a more complete explanation," I admitted.  "I didn't really give him a chance to respond last night.  But yes," I said, firmly, my eyes locked on his.  "I'm all in.  Here, with you." He was silent for a second, and I anxiously added, "If you'll have me, of course." 

He didn't respond, just stood up and pulled me up with him.  He hugged me tightly, then his lips found mine.  The remains of breakfast were quickly forgotten as we stumbled back upstairs to his room, barely pulling away from each other to make the trip up the steps.

He moved slowly, teasing me, and I savored every second of it.  Not even five minutes after the end of round one, I was stroking him and kissing his throat, ready for round two.  Nearly two hours later, he rolled away from me.

"Okay, seriously, if we don't stop now, it's entirely possible I will never be able to have sex again," he said, breathlessly.

"That would be tragic," I said, rolling onto my stomach and yawning.

"You're finally tired?" he asked.  "Thank god for that."  He was laughing though, and he scooted back towards me, pulling me to him.  I laid against his chest and wrapped my arm firmly around him.  His thumb traced random patterns against my shoulder while his other hand ran up and down my arm.  "So, does this mean I can introduce you as my girlfriend now?" he asked, after a couple minutes.

"You'd better," I replied with a laugh.  I closed my eyes and enjoyed being close to him again.

"Oh!" I said suddenly, lifting my head.

"Hmmm?" Brody asked, sounding half asleep.

"Are you really hiring that guy your dad fired?"

He laughed. "No way.  Lauren just said that to terrify Savannah.  Now she's going to walk around being paranoid about running into him."  I laughed too.

"I wish I could have seen her face," he said, a second later.

"Well, I wish that I don't ever have to see her face again," I countered.  

"Me neither, though I am glad about one aspect of this whole situation," he said.  "If she hadn't pulled this bullshit, I wouldn't be here with my own company, with no chance of being forced to do my dad's bidding again."

"Huh," I said, considering this.  "I guess that's a good point."  Neither of us spoke again, and eventually I dozed off.

I woke up awhile later, my neck stiff from the angle it was resting on Brody's chest.  I groaned and sat up.  He blinked at me sleepily.  "I'm starving," I declared.  He laughed.

"Probably because you burned at least 1000 calories here," he said.  He looked at his clock.  "And then there's the fact that it's almost 2pm." 

"That'll do it," I agreed.

"Why don't we shower here, then we can drive into town.  We'll stop at your house so you can change and find someplace to eat.  Do you want to go out tonight?"

"I forgot that everyone was going out," I said, remembering that Lauren had told me the plan was to check out some live music at a local club.  "Yeah, that sounds good, if you want to."

While he was in the shower, I went downstairs to find a snack to hold me over until we got into town.  When I walked back into his bedroom, Brody was standing in front of his closet with a towel wrapped around his waist.  He saw me eyeing him and shook his head.  "No way.  You are unbelievable, and I'm way too old for this."  I shrugged and showered quickly, then pulled my yoga pants and t-shirt on again.  They were a little stiff from the rainwater drenching they got last night, even though Brody had had the foresight to put them in the dryer.

As I drove into town, I grumbled, "Your house is really awesome, except for the fact that no one delivers this far out."

He laughed.  "You get so cranky when you're hungry."

"I'm not cranky," I snapped.

"Of course you're not, I'm sorry," he soothed.  I glared at him and he laughed again.  When we got to my house, I changed quickly and threw on some makeup.  I left my wet hair down, planning to let it air dry and throwing it in a side braid or something later. 

We walked down to my favorite deli a few blocks from my house.  I was mostly silent until halfway through my sandwich and soup.  I really am awful when I'm hungry.  I perked up quickly after eating though, and I was soon back to riding the high of the last 24 hours.  After we ate, I was feeling restless and we decided to walk for awhile, even though it was freezing and looked like it would snow soon.  We wandered around the neighborhood talking.  It was crazy how quickly we fell back into how things had been before Brody went to Miami.  It felt like we hadn't missed a beat.

We were almost back to my house when it started to snow.  I grinned and watched the flakes fall as we walked slowly back down the block to my house.  I stopped on the sidewalk in front of my house and turned to Brody, beaming.  He laughed.  "You look like a kid that's hoping for a snow day," he teased, leaning down to kiss the end of my cold nose.

"I love snow!" I exclaimed, delighted by the fluffy white flakes falling around us.

"I love you," Brody said, pulling me towards him.

Even though I had told him last night that I was in love with him, I still felt a sudden surge of anxiety at telling him I loved him right at this moment.  But then, a snowflake landed right on the end of his nose and I laughed.  That was all it took for the anxiety to melt away.  "I love you too," I said confidently.  He smiled and kissed me as the snow swirled down around us.
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Please excuse the snow.  This post was originally scheduled to go up in November, but with all my bonuses, it's a little early for snow (this year, at least).  Good thing it's a fiction blog ;)