(Now) Kinsley: Boyfriend Doesn't Exist

I'm feeling bonus-y tonight...

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I let myself be sad my whole drive home.  All 17 minutes of it.  After that, I promised myself, I was done.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry.  I guess I'd done enough of that lately.  Good riddance, because I hate crying.

On Friday, I got a group text from Liv, asking if anyone wanted to do anything.  I didn't.  I also didn't feel like explaining why I didn't, so I just didn't respond.  Instead, after work I went to the gym, hoping that Liv was still going to the one that was closer to her job.  I stayed there until I could barely stay upright on the stair machine anymore, then headed home.  I threw a frozen pizza in the oven when I got home and took a quick shower, then set to work cleaning...again.  It was something to keep me busy.  I considered going out and getting a drink somewhere alone, but decided that was a little too angsty for me.

I checked my phone every 10 minutes.  I didn't want to talk to Damien, but I wanted him to want to talk to me.  I wanted him to be sorry that he fucked everything up.  I wanted him to be sorry, because if he was sorry, that meant that maybe it wasn't all my fault.  But, no call...no text...nothing.  He seemed perfectly content with letting me walk out on him.  Not that I would have let him change my mind, but it's the fucking principle of it.

When my phone rang late Saturday morning, I lunged across the couch for it.  It was Kendra.  I frowned, but decided to answer.  "Hello?"

"Hey! Where have you been?  I need an update on your life, I think," she said.

"We broke up," I said simply.  "But don't be fucking weird about it, okay?  I'm fine."

"You're the opposite of fine, but if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay," she replied matter-of-factly.  "We're going out tonight.  You should come if you want."

I almost said no.  Almost.  Then I realized that if I said no, I'd be proving Kendra's point.  "Okay, where and what time?"  I got the details and hung up.  I headed to the gym and then ran few errands afterwards.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time getting ready to go out.  But when I was done, I was pretty impressed with my reflection.  Rebound sex was going to be happening tonight.

I want everyone to know that I beat Kendra, Christian, Liv, and Brody to the bar.  It's the closest to on time that I've ever gotten out of my house.  By the time Kendra and Christian got there, I had already charmed a drink out of my first unsuspecting victim.  Tonight was about regaining control, and so far it was going great.

Drink Guy bored me rather quickly, and he left when he got tired of my wandering gaze.  The next guy that came over was much more promising.  It wasn't long before I tested the waters by playfully grabbing his arm and brushing my thigh against his.  He quickly offered to buy me another drink.  After drink number two plus a shot, he asked me if I wanted to leave.  It wasn't even 11pm.   "I'd love to," I replied, smiling sweetly at him.

When we got outside, he said, "So I live literally down the block.  Or if you want to do something else..."  He trailed off, suddenly worrying that he misread me.

"Well, that's convenient.  Let's go!" I said.

He wasted very little time with pleasantries once we were inside, and it was just as well.  He was a sloppy kisser, but I slowed his tongue's assault down a little with a hand on his chest and easing my head back a little.  He got the message really quickly.

We made our way to his room, and once we were there he said, "I, uh, don't know if my roommate is home or not..."  I rolled my eyes and pushed him down on his bed.  He lifted me up to straddle him and we continued our frenzied making out.  We were down to our underwear when he said, "I don't think I have a condom."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," I sighed.  I stood up and marched out to the living room where I'd left my purse.  I snatched it and took it into this guy's room with me (I maybe should have at least asked him his name?).  I unzipped the inner pocket and found a condom.  "Here you go," I said, tossing it at him, then undoing and discarding my bra.  Always be prepared.  I was a girl scout.

My quest for a condom had me a little distracted, but a quick flick of his tongue across my nipple brought me back into the moment.  I encouraged him to move things along and he finally got on top of me and guided himself into me.  I was completely underwhelmed by him and quickly paused the action to get on top.  He did absolutely nothing to help me out, but I managed to maneuver a lackluster orgasm for myself before I flipped around and let him finish off from behind.

"Do you have a bathroom?" I asked.

"Huh?"  Fucking post-orgasm daze.

"A bathroom," I repeated.

"Oh, yeah.  Straight across the hall."

I managed to find all my articles of clothing in the dark and took everything across the hall into the bathroom.  I ran my fingers through my hair to tame it, wiped a smudge of mascara away, peed, and got dressed.  Then I slipped out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and out the door.

I was likely back to the bar before he even noticed I was gone.  I was thankful then that I hadn't asked his name.  Quite honestly, I didn't give a shit.  I headed straight for the bar and ordered a shot and another drink.  This time I paid for them myself.

I walked over to the table of happy couples and pretended that I hadn't seen the judgy, dirty looks Lauren had been shooting me all night.  Instead, I talked mostly to Liv and Kendra, who both seemed hell bent on pretending I hadn't just disappeared for 45 minutes after walking out with a guy.  Lauren kept her mouth shut, but I knew what she was thinking.  I had a feeling she and I would have it out at some point in the next couple weeks.

I went to the bathroom and texted Cole, a guy I used to flirt work with.  He'd left my little company about 2 months ago, and he'd sent me an occasional flirty message since then.  I'd blown them all off though, because up until two days ago I had a boyfriend.  "What are you up to?" I sent.  Total booty call text, didn't care.  It took me three tries to get the letters that I wanted...maybe I was more drunk than I thought I was.

"DDing for my friends, but taking them home soon.  You?"

I carefully texted him back, "Got room for one more? ;)" while I went to the bathroom, then washed my hands and headed back for the bar.  I got another shot and another drink, and made my way back to the table, wobbling a little on my stupidly high heels.

When my phone buzzed, I pulled it out, careful to shield it from the others at the table.  I smiled when I saw that it said, "If the one more is you, there's always room.  Where are you?"  I told him, and he told me he could be here in 20 minutes.

Less than 20 minutes later, I got a text saying he was out front.  When I told them I was leaving, a concerned-looking Brody asked if I needed a ride.  I was hoping to sneak out without telling them anything, and I was irritated by him, even though I should have been grateful to have friends that will look out for me.  I told them I was getting picked up by a friend, said bye, and left.

When I stumbled out to the sidewalk, I saw Cole get out of his perfectly impractical double parked Mercedes E-class coupe (inherited from his grandfather--not something he could afford on his own, unfortunately).  "You have the stupidest car for DDing ever," I commented, swaying slightly.

"And you are really, really drunk," he replied, looking surprised.  "Your texts were so coherent."  He looped his hand lightly around my upper arm and led me over to his car.  I was surprised to find the car empty when he pulled open the passenger door for me.

"I thought you were DDing," I said.

"I was," he replied.  "And apparently, I still am."  Without even batting an eye, he reached across me to buckle my seat belt, because I was too distracted by touching all the things inside the car.  I closed my eyes briefly and breathed in his scent...cologne, soap, and a hint of whiskey.  I wondered where he'd been with his friends.

Then the door was shutting, and I jumped at the sound.  He got in and quickly pulled into traffic, pulling on his seatbelt as he accelerated.  "Where to, Miss?" he asked, in a terrible attempt at a British accent.

"Kate Middleton would be fucking offended," I scoffed.  I told him where I lived, and he got us going in the right direction.

"So...boyfriend working tonight, or what?" he asked.  His attempt at casual missed the mark, even with how drunk I was.

"Boyfriend doesn't exist," I replied.

"Oh," he replied.  "I'm sorry to hear that."

I snorted.  "No you're not."

"Don't be a dick, I'm trying to be nice."

"Don't be," I said, shaking my head, which caused me to get a little dizzy.  "I don't like nice guys."

"So I shouldn't have responded to your request for a DD?" he bantered back.

"I wasn't requesting your driving services," I responded flirtatiously.

He laughed.  "If you would have said so in the first place, I would have gotten there to get you two drinks earlier so you could at least stand on your own."

"I can stand just fine, asshole," I replied.  "Hey, turn left here."  I hadn't really been paying attention to where we were, and we'd gone past my street.

He parked in front of my house and after momentarily wrestling with my seatbelt, I got it off just in time for Cole to pull my door open.  He offered me a hand and pulled me up out of the low slung car.  "You are going to kill yourself in those shoes," he said, shaking his head.  I let him put his arm around my waist as he walked with me towards my door.

"You're coming in, right?" I asked, clumsily fishing my keys out of my purse.

He looked at me and smiled slightly.  "You know I would love to.  But I don't make a habit of sleeping with drunk women when I'm sober."

"I'm not thaaaaaat drunk," I protested.  Of course, it was right at that second that I lost my balance and tipped to the left.

Luckily, Cole was able to catch me and right me before I tipped fully.  "Clearly," he responded, smirking.  "Look, I'll walk you in and make sure you get up to bed without passing out on the stairs or something. If you're still interested tomorrow, call me and I'll take you to lunch and then I will absolutely come in."

"I don't want lunch," I pouted.

"Then call me tomorrow I will come over and fuck your brains out, okay?  But not tonight.  Tonight you need a glass of water and sleep."

"You're so fucking bossy and self-righteous," I grumbled.  He laughed, which irritated me more, and followed me inside.  I put my hand on his arm and bent down to unstrap my shoe.

"You should probably sit and do that," he suggested, nudging me towards the couch.  I realized he was actually very right, and I let him guide me over to the couch.  I was past the point of drunk, and I was starting to feel gross and overly tired, and to be honest, I didn't even want to have sex anymore.  I sat down and looked hopelessly down at my feet before leaning back and shutting my eyes.

"Okay, I'll help," Cole said.  He crouched in front of the couch, and even though he probably could have had a great view right up my short skirt, he kept his eyes on my shoes.  He swore as he fiddled with the tiny buckles, but finally slid them carefully off my feet.  He stood and held his hands out to me.  I just gazed listlessly at him, too drunk to care about my bed.

"Please don't make me carry you, Kinsley," he prodded.  I considered this and then lifted my arms up far enough for him to grab my hands.  He pulled and I hauled myself to my feet.  "Upstairs?" he asked.  I nodded.  He half-dragged me up the stairs.  My feet were so heavy I could barely lift them high enough to clear each step.  When we got upstairs, I got a sudden burst of energy and insisted on brushing my teeth and washing my face.  He hovered outside the bathroom while I did that, then got me to my room.  I sat down heavily on my bed.  "Pajamas?" he asked hesitantly.

I laughed and leaned backwards, flopping across my bed.  "It's cute that you think I wear clothes to bed," I slurred.

"Please wait until I leave to take your clothes off, then," he requested.  "Not that I don't want to see you naked, because I do.  But I really, really want you to be sober when I see you naked."

"Okay," I agreed.  "You still want to see me naked and sober, even after seeing me shitfaced and ridiculous?"

"Absolutely.  Call me tomorrow if you still want to see me naked, okay?"  He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

"Mmmhmmm," I mumbled.  Maybe I'd just sleep in my clothes.  Like this, sideways across the bed with my legs hanging off.

"Do you need anything before I go?"  I shook my head, and immediately regretted it.  I rolled onto my side and tried to convince myself that if I just fell asleep before I threw up, everything would be good.  That thought lasted all of 10 seconds before I bolted up and into the bathroom.  I slammed the door shut behind me, hoping Cole would take the opportunity to slip out.  But, being the apparent gentlemen that he is (would never have guessed it, either), he pushed the door open behind me and then I felt him pulling my hair away from my face while I did one of the least sexy things a person can possibly do.

I dutifully thrust my arm behind me and he tugged the ponytail holder off my wrist and clumsily tied back my hair.  Then he sat down behind me and rubbed my back.   "You can go," I croaked between bouts of throwing up.

"I know," he replied.  But he didn't move.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

He chuckled, and waited while I got rid of a little more alcohol.  I racked my brain trying to remember if I had eaten dinner.  Maybe I hadn't.  "Because being drunk as hell is miserable enough.  Being drunk as hell and by yourself is worse."

"I hate everything," I groaned, resting my face on my arm.

"I know," he said.  "Want to try to drink some water?"  I nodded.  He stood and filled the glass on my counter half full with cool water as I flushed the toilet, then he handed it to me.  I groaned again as I shifted and hauled myself upright. I used a mouthful to rinse my mouth out first, then tentatively took a sip.  The cool liquid soothed my raw throat.  I waited, and when it didn't immediately come back up, I took another drink.  "Feel any better?"

"I feel fucking awful," I replied.  "But I guess I feel a little less awful."  I took another sip, then said ruefully, "Guess I blew my chance of ever seeing you naked."

"Nah," he replied.  "I've seen much worse.  At least you made it to the bathroom."

"Yeah, that's great, but I'm never going to want to see you again after this.  Even I have some shame, believe it or not.  Very few people have seen me throw up.  The only one that's seen it a second time was my mom.  And I don't even talk to her anymore.  Once you've seen me throw up, you're out.  This is humiliating."

"You must have been the life of the party in college," Cole replied wryly.

"I don't drink like this ever," I said.  I got shakily to my feet.  "I think I forgot to eat dinner."  I rinsed my mouth again and then grabbed my toothbrush.  I brushed my teeth and splashed some cold water on my face.  Cole handed me the hand towel hanging just out of my reach and I dried my face off, then took another drink from the glass he'd given me.  "Fuck," I groaned.

Cole trailed behind me as I went back to my room and pulled the blankets back.  "Are you good?" he asked.

"I think so," I replied, climbing into bed.  I was still fully dressed, but I didn't even care.  I just wanted to make the spinning stop.  Cole grabbed the now almost empty glass from me, disappeared, and returned a minute later with a full glass of water.  "Thank you."  I took a drink and set it on my nightstand.

"Call me if you decide you're not too humiliated to see me again," he said.

"Yeah, okay," I replied.  I turned towards the wall and pulled the blanket up to my chin.  Cole turned the light off and started out of the room.  "Cole?" I called after him.

There was a pause, and then he said, "Yeah?"

"Thanks.  You're the best."

"You're welcome," he replied.  And then he was gone.