Kinsley: Regrets

Lauren's post just isn't happening for me this week.  She's being stubborn :)  So instead, have some more Kinsley!  This post is super short (like, normal short, not just short for me), and I apologize for that!  I have a little bit more written, but it was a terrible place to cut it off.  I will post again tomorrow with the rest!
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I woke up early the next day--even before Damien's alarm went off.  I got up and threw together breakfast for both of us and made some coffee.  It was just starting to get chilly enough overnight for me to want to drink coffee again in the mornings.

Damien came down just a few minutes after I finished making breakfast.  "Good morning, beautiful," he said.  He walked over and kissed me on the cheek.  "Did you sleep?"

"I did," I replied, smiling over my shoulder at him.  "Do you have time for breakfast?"

"Yes, I think so," he said, glancing at his watch.  He grabbed plates and we sat down to eat.  Neither of us had a ton of time, so it wasn't exactly a leisurely breakfast, but it was a pleasant start to the day.  After we finished eating, Damien took a shower, got dressed, and left.  I got in the shower and got ready shortly after that, since I didn't have to be to work until after he did.  I even managed to get to work about 20 minutes earlier than usual, and I settled right into my tasks for the day.

I felt a whole lot better after a good night's sleep.  So much better, in fact, that regret for all my actions over the past 48 hours started to creep in.  I was mad at myself for making a scene at the hospital, mad at myself for allowing Damien to take care of me, and furious at myself for my sobbing, confessional meltdown.  I also regretted going to dinner at Damien's mom's house without him.  It felt too much like relying on someone else to make me happy, and that was not something I could afford to do.

I thought about it all day.  I tried to distract myself with work, and it kind of worked.  I ended up staying a couple extra hours to get some of the stuff done that I should have gotten done yesterday.

After work I went to the gym, spending a brutal two hours lifting weights and doing a spin class.  I could barely walk by the time I left, but I hadn't thought about anything more substantial than counting reps or how badly my muscles were burning for a solid 90 minutes.  I took a quick shower, then went to the grocery store, then home to clean and do laundry.  I kept myself busy enough that I didn't even look at my phone until after 10pm.  I saw I had a missed call from Damien, one from my dad, and two texts from Damien.

I called my dad first.  He told me that they had recommended my mom go to inpatient treatment, but she'd refused, so they'd gotten her registered with an outpatient treatment program and sent her home.  I have no idea why he knew all this, or why my mom didn't just call me herself.  "You should spend some more time with your mother, Kinsley," my dad lectured me before I could hurry him off the phone.

"Okay, Dad," I replied.  I wasn't in the mood to argue.

"I'm serious," he said.  "She's not doing well, and how would you feel if something happened and you had continued to ignore her?"

"How would she have felt if something had happened to me while she was busy sleeping in a Xanax-induced haze when I was 8 years old?" I asked in response.  "Better yet, how would you have felt?"

"Grow up, for God's sake!  Sometimes you're absolutely awful," he snapped before he hung up on me.

I opened my texts from Damien.  One was asking if I wanted to have dinner, and it had been sent just after 2 this afternoon.  The other was asking if I was okay, and was sent around 7.  I started to text him back that I was fine, just getting caught up on a few things around the house.  I was typing quickly when a call popped up on my screen, and I couldn't stop the momentum of my fast-moving fingers and accidentally stabbed the "Answer" button.  "Shit," I muttered to myself.  "Hello?"

"Kinsley?"  It was Damien, of course.  "Hey, I've been trying to reach you."

"I was just texting you back," I informed him.  "I'm fine.  I was super busy at work all day, and I've been running around trying to get my errands and cleaning caught up.  I didn't mean to make you worry."

"It's fine, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing today."

"I'm fine," I chirped brightly.  Too brightly, and I cringed at how fake it sounded.

"Really?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes, really," I replied, moderating my tone a bit better.  "I just needed a good night's sleep."

"You sound weird," he said stubbornly.  "Why won't you just tell me how you really are?"

I sighed.  I didn't have the energy for this.  "I don't need you to fix me, Damien," I snapped.

"What?" he asked, sounding bewildered.  "I don't want to fix you.  I don't even think you need fixing!  Kinsley, what's going on?"

"Really?  I don't know, you seemed pretty eager to save the day."

"Don't do this," he said calmly, and I was once again irritated by it.  "You let yourself be vulnerable, but it's okay.  You don't have to deal with this shit by yourself, Kinsley."

"You are so fucking condescending," I growled.  "I'm not a child!  I don't need you to take care of me and validate my vulnerability.  I don't need your mom to send me home with food and dote on me.  I can take care of myself!"

"I know you can," he said.  "Kinsley, I'm having a really hard time understanding this.  If I did something wrong, tell me.  If you need something different from me, I want to know.  I don't want you to just shut this down because this weekend was hard."

"This weekend wasn't hard," I lied.  "And I don't need anything from you."

Damien was quiet for several long seconds.  "Okay," he said, finally.  "Then I misunderstood."

"Yes," I replied formally.  "You did.  Thanks for your concern though."

"Can I take you out to dinner tomorrow?"

"Hmm, no. Tomorrow is bad.  I have more errands to run and I really need to get my house clean.  I should probably go see my mother too. Maybe Thursday?"

"Yeah, okay," he agreed, sounding sad.  "Thursday."

"Maybe.  I'll let you know."

"Kinsley..." Damien started to say something, but he stopped himself.  "Okay, well...let me know.  Sleep well.  I love you."

"You too, and I love you too," I replied.  "Goodnight."

He paused, and I was getting ready to just hang up with he finally said, "Goodnight."

I hit the "end" button on the screen and squeezed my eyes shut.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I did know that I couldn't let myself lose control again like I had this weekend.