Lauren: An Apology

My plan to move off the bed and back to the chair doesn't work, because I end up falling asleep almost immediately.  When I finally wake up, it's light in the room and someone is bustling around.  I look up guiltily, straight into the face of a young nurse.  "I'm sorry," I say, quickly sliding off the bed.  "I didn't mean to fall asleep there, I was going to--"

She smiles kindly and holds up a hand, stopping me.  "It's okay," she says softly.  "But you're lucky it was me.  Some of the other nurses would have had a fit."

I start to thank her, but I'm interrupted by the sound of Alex's mom's voice in the hallway.  I immediately tense up, which doesn't go unnoticed by the nurse.  Alex's eyes flutter open and he groans, blinking in the bright daylight.  He squeezes his eyes shut again, clearly in pain, as his mom bustles into the room.  "Alex!" she exclaims dramatically, and I roll my eyes.  "Oh my god, Alex!"

"Could you please keep your voice down?" the young nurse asks politely.  When Alex's parents aren't looking, she winks at me.  I like her.  "Just so you know, he's scheduled to head downstairs for an MRI in 45 minutes."

"Well, we just got here," Sharon informs her snottily.  "Can't it be rescheduled?"

"Mom," Alex mutters.  "Don't be ridiculous."

"Sorry," the nurse says cheerfully.  "The schedule is tight, no wiggle room."    Sharon huffs but doesn't say anything else.  Instead, she sits down next to Alex's bed and stares at him.

"Lauren, my wife and I would be grateful if you could give us a few minutes with our son," Alex's dad says softly.  His face makes it clear that it's not actually a request, but I can tell he doesn't expect me to go.

"She stays if she wants to," Alex tells them.  "You've lost your right to kick her out."

"As if we ever had that right," Sharon snips, rolling her eyes.

"It's fine," I reply, turning back to Alex.  "I'm going to go find something to eat, okay?  I'll be back before you go down for your MRI."  He catches my hand and tugs gently, and I lean down and kiss him softly before I go.

I wander down to the hospital cafeteria and choose the most edible looking thing I can find.  I sit and eat at a small table near the window, staring out at the snow.  Now that Alex is awake and seems  relatively okay, I feel so much better.  My phone vibrates in my purse and I pull it out.  It's Liv calling, and I answer.  "Hello?'

"Hey, are you still at the hospital?" she asks.

"Yeah," I reply.  "I'm getting some breakfast.  Alex's parents just got here."

"Yuck," she says.  "How'd that go?"

"It was fine, his mom is being really dramatic.  Alex is awake.  He's got an MRI soon, but they seem pretty happy with everything.  The doctor and the nurses, I mean."

"Good."  The relief in Liv's voice is obvious.  "Everyone is really eager to see Alex before we have to head back.  Do you think it's okay if we come over around lunchtime?"

"I don't see why not," I respond, shrugging even though she can't see me.  "I'm sure it's fine.  You might have to fight his mom for access to her precious darling though."  Liv chuckles and I smile.  "I should go though, I told him I'd come back up before his MRI.  I'll see you a little later."

We say goodbye and I drop my stupid cafeteria tray in the bin near the door, then walk back towards the elevator.  When I get to Alex's room, his mom is sitting in the chair I'd vacated, holding his hand.  Both his parents look up when I enter the room.  Alex can't move his head that way, it's still locked into the stupid plastic brace.  Alex's dad smiles and his mom gives me a forced smile that looks more like a grimace.  David stands from the chair on the other side of the bed--the one Liv had sat in the night before.  "Here, go ahead and sit," he offers.

"It's okay," I say.  "You can sit there."

"I insist," he replies, stepping around to the other side of the bed and leaning against the wall behind Alex's mom.  I smile slightly and sit down.

Alex's eyes slide towards me and he smiles.  We're all silent for long enough that finally Alex says, "Talk about an awkward silence."

Luckily, the young, kind nurse returns then.  "Time to take him out of here," she chirps.  "He'll be back in an hour or so.  You guys are welcome to sit tight right here if you want."  Once she leaves with him, I immediately wish I'd waited to go get breakfast.  Now I'm sitting here with Alex's parents and no buffer.

"Lauren," his mom says stiffly.  "Will you walk with me?"  I regard her suspiciously.  "Please," she adds.  "I...I owe you an apology."

"Okay," I agree.

We stand and walk out into the hallway.  We make our way downstairs to the wide hallway outside the cafeteria.  Once we're there, she finally speaks.  "Your ring is beautiful," she says, her voice sad.  "Have you picked a date?"

"Well..." I start, but I trail off, not sure if I want to get into this right now.

"I understand that I made a mistake," she tells me.  "And I'm sorry.  I'll be honest, I still don't think you and my son are right for each other.  Our values just don't match up.  But when I saw your ring and realized that I made my only son angry enough that he wouldn't even tell me he was getting married, I couldn't believe it.  We were in there without you for over 30 minutes and he still didn't tell us, did you know that?"

"Mrs. Berg," I start, opting to address her formally.  "It's...not really an engagement ring.  At least, not at the moment.  I don't know what the future will bring.  And I don't know if that makes it better or worse."  She's clearly confused, and I toy with my ring as I push on.  "Marriage isn't really my thing.  But I love the hell out of your son, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I know you know that feels the same way about me.  This isn't an engagement ring, it's just a really great piece of jewelry that he got me to symbolize that neither of us are going anywhere.  I don't really expect you to agree with that, but you don't have to."

"I don't understand it at all," she admits.  "But I see the way he looks at you.  He does love you very much.  Enough to be awful to his own parents in defense of you."  She stops walking abruptly, and turns towards me.  "Don't you dare ever take for granted how much that man loves you, do you understand me?  His father and I took him for granted, and now I doubt our relationship will ever be the same."  She starts walking again, turning back to face straight ahead.

"I won't," I say quietly.  When we get to the elevator she opts to go back up, while I decide to stay down here and pace the hallway awhile longer.  I make it to a random chair in the hallway and slump into it.  I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, then rest my forehead on top.
I don't know if I'm exhausted or if Sharon's final plea really hit home, but I start to cry again.  I think about what Alex said last night and I wonder if he remembers it today.  It's no surprise to me that I have a hard time expressing my feelings, but I thought Alex understood me.  I thought he knew.  As I sniffle, I try to brainstorm a list of ways to do a better job letting him know I love him, but I quickly realize that I have absolutely no idea how to do it any differently.  This causes the tears to start up again, and I'm frustrated and angry at myself.

"You know," someone says suddenly, "I've found people crying in strange places before, but never here."  My head snaps up and I see the young nurse from Alex's room.  I look around and realize that I actually have no idea where I am.  "You're just outside our changing room," she informs me.  "How did you even get down here?"

"I have no idea," I reply, wiping furiously at my face.  "I just walked, and no one stopped me."

She sits down on the floor and looks at me curiously.  "You and his parents don't get along," she observes.

I snort.  "What gave that away?" I ask bitterly.  "His mother was on a mission to replace me at Thanksgiving.  She recruited the neighbor's perfect Southern belle daughter to help."

"That clearly worked out well for her," the nurse replies with a grin.

"Yeah, I don't think he's talked to either of them since, until this morning."  I feel overwhelmingly guilty then, as though it's my fault.  Maybe it is.

"Sounds like a pretty great Thanksgiving."

I appreciate her sarcasm, and I laugh.  "Something like that."

She stands, brushing her pants off with her hands.  "Well, his parents went out to find some breakfast and he should be back in his room soon, if you want a few minutes with him before his parents swoop back in."

"Thank you," I said, carefully uncurling myself from the chair.  "Um, how do I get back?"  She chuckles and leads me back to the elevator.  "Thanks," I say again.  "I appreciate it."  She nods and smiles, then heads toward the cafeteria.

I take the elevator up and make my way back to Alex's room.  It's blissfully empty and I stand by the window and stare out into the parking lot.  I zone out until I hear Alex's voice in the hallway.  He's being wheeled back into the room, and he looks more alert than he was earlier.  "Hey you," he says as the nurse with him helps him out of the wheelchair and back into the bed.

"Hey," I reply softly.  Once the nurse is out of the room, I go over and sit on the edge of the bed.  He reaches for my hand and our fingers twist together.  "Your parents went to go find breakfast," I tell him.  "How are you feeling?"

He makes a face.  "I'm really surprisingly tired.  I mean, I guess it's probably the pain meds, but it's weird.  I don't feel like I should be exhausted after spending so much time in a bed."

I nod, and it's pretty obvious I'm distracted.  "Hey," Alex says, squeezing my fingers.  "What's on your mind?"

I suck in a deep breath, and knowing that I probably don't have long before his parents come back, I say, "Last night you said something--"

"I know," he interrupts.  "Lauren, I didn't mean it.  I don't know where it came from.  I know you love me and I know you'd be devastated if I...well..." He trails off, but I know what he means.

"That's the thing, though," I reply.  "It came from somewhere.  And I know I'm not an easy person to love.  I'm pretty impressed you've managed it this long, actually."  I give him a small smile, which he returns.  "Look, I just want you to know that I want to do better.  I'm not really sure how, but I'll figure it out.  Last night when I realized that if something really bad had happened you might not have really known how I felt, it was pretty much the worst feeling in the world.  And I don't ever want that to be a thing again."

Alex is quiet for a minute, then the hint of a smirk starts on his face.  "You're easy to love.  I've been doing it for years.  But sometimes you're hard to like."

"Don't be a jerk!" I exclaim.  "You'll make me regret everything I just said."

"I don't want that," he replies, trying not to laugh.  Then he gets serious again.  "Lauren, I love you.  And I appreciate that you want to try to express your feelings more.  Honestly, I think you're way better at it now than you were a year ago, so I know you can do it.  But also, I meant it when I said that I love you the way you are, and I'd hate for you to go completely soft on me.  I wouldn't know what to do with a soft, sensitive Lauren."

I wrinkle my nose and shake my head.  "You don't have to worry about that," I assure him.  I fiddle with my ring, then hesitantly ask, "Are you really okay with never getting married?  Please be honest."

"I'm really okay with it," he answers.  "I promise.  Marriage is not something that's incredibly important to me either way, so if you wake up in 15 years and decide you want to get married, then cool, let's do it.  If that never happens, also cool.  What's important to me is being with you.  I don't need a piece of paper declaring us legally bound to each other."

"Okay," I say, nodding.

"And I definitely don't want you to want to marry me just because I was an idiot and busted up a few bones while I was skiing and scared the shit out of you," he adds, grinning at me.  That makes me laugh, and I lean down to kiss him.  "It's been far too long since I've brushed my teeth," he warns me, making a face.

"Hey, that makes two of us," I say, kissing him anyway.

Someone clears their throat, and we both look up to see Alex's parents standing in the doorway.  I start to stand up but Alex's mom shakes her head.  "Stay," she says.  "Please."  Even though I'm still uncomfortable around them, I sit back down on the bed next to Alex.  He squeezes my fingers lightly.

Alex's parents come into the room and sit down in the two hard plastic chairs in the room.  After a short awkward silence, Alex's dad finally starts talking about something funny that had happened while they were having breakfast.  I shift and get comfortable for what is sure to be a long day of hanging out in a hospital room with Alex and his parents.