Kinsley: He Kissed Me

This is the last Kinsley post for the week.  Come back at the end of the week for the next Lauren post!
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At first, the situation didn't even register, and I let myself kiss him back briefly before I realized what was happening.  It felt good, and I leaned into him, letting my hands travel up his arms and across his chest.  As I was touching him, it occurred to me that I wasn't touching Damien, and I yanked my hands back then shoved him away from me, ending the kiss abruptly.  "What the fuck?" I hissed.  "Get the fuck away from me."

"Kinsley," Cole said, and he didn't look terribly sorry.  "Come on, you know you wanted that as much as I did."

"I have a boyfriend, you motherfucker!" I spat at him.  "And you fucking know that!"

"I won't tell him if you won't," he replied, lazily leaning against my car and cocking his head, watching me.

"Get. The fuck. Away. From me!" I snapped loudly, attracting the attention of a couple walking past.  They watched us warily as they continued on.  "You are such a fucking piece of shit," I half-whispered furiously to Cole.  "Now move because I need to leave right now."

He moved away from my car and watched helplessly as I yanked the door open, got in, and slammed it closed so hard the whole car rocked slightly.  "Fuck!" I yelped, once I was inside.  I started the car, glanced quickly around to make sure no one was in my way, and gunned it onto the road.  "Fuck fuck fuck what the fuck!"

Without thinking, I drove straight to Damien's house.  I got out--almost forgetting to turn off my car--and pounded on the door.  When he didn't answer, I rang the doorbell.  I waited about 3 seconds, then rang it again.  "Goddamn it," I muttered angrily.  Just as I was getting ready to get back in my car, I saw a light go on.  I knocked on the door again and waited.

The porch light turned on suddenly, then I heard the lock.  The tears started the second Damien pulled open the door and blinked sleepily at me.  "Kinsley?" he asked, looking confused.  The confusion turned to concern when he saw I was crying.  "Kinsley, what's wrong?"

"He kissed me," I choked out.  "He kissed me."  I repeated it one more time for good measure, then added a miserable, "I'm so sorry."

Damien blinked and rubbed his hand over his face, then stepped back and pulled the door open.  "I think you should come in," he said placidly.

I nodded and stepped inside, dragging my pathetic ass over to his couch and collapsing in a heap.  "I'm so sorry," I sobbed, pulling my knees up to my chest.

Damien tried to put an arm around me but I flinched and pulled away.  "Kinsley, please try to calm down," he said patiently.  That just made me cry harder.  He leaned back against the back of the couch and yawned, waiting for me to calm down enough to tell him what was going on.

I finally managed to get it together a little bit.  I wiped furiously at my face and almost lost it again when Damien handed me a Kleenex.  I tried to take care of the situation that I was sure was happening under my eyes, but gave up.  "He kissed me," I said for about the fifth time.  "And I kissed him back.  I didn't mean to.  It was awful.  I'm so sorry."

Now I had his attention.  "Who kissed you?" he asked warily.

"Cole," I moaned miserably.  "That motherfucker.  I'm sorry.  Damien, I'm sorry."

"Would you please just tell me what the hell is going on?" he snapped.  His face was unreadable and he didn't raise his voice, but I could tell by how fast he was talking that he was agitated.  "Who is Cole?"

I took a deep, shaky breath and began my explanation.  I reminded him who Cole was, and his jaw twitched.  I told him about running into him on Monday with Liv and Lauren, and him following me to my car.  I told him that we'd run into him again tonight, and he'd walked me to my car because I was parked so far away.  And then I told him what had happened when we got there.  "And I'm sorry," I finished pathetically.

He sighed and rubbed his hand across his hair.  "So, you just happened to run into him twice in the same week after not seeing him for months?" he asked.  He had control of his words again, and he spoke at his normal rate.

"I thought it was weird too," I replied weakly.  "But remember how many times James ran into Liv way back before they started dating?"  I was grasping at straws to prove my innocence and realized that I was probably making myself sound guiltier.

"And he knows you have a boyfriend," Damien continued, clearly trying to make sense of everything.  I was hopeful; it seemed like he wanted to believe me, even though my story was admittedly far fetched.

"Yes, he absolutely knows that," I told him.  I tentatively reached for one of his hands but he moved it out of my reach.  I bit my lip and looked down.

"So you happened to run into the guy you were fucking while we were broken up, not once but twice in the same week?  And he walked you to your car, because you were parked far away and it was 1am on a Saturday, and any decent man would do that?  And then he kissed you.  And you kissed him back, but only for a second until you realized what was happening?  And then you told him to get the fuck away from you, got in your car, and drove straight here?"  His words were careful, his speech slow.  I could tell he was processing everything out loud as he spoke, and the couple of words he emphasized were the only clue that he was unhappy.

I nodded and he leaned forward and put his face in his hands for several seconds before he looked back up at me.  "It all sounds a little...unbelievable," he said.

"Yes," I said softly.  "I know it does."

Without looking up, he said, "I need some time to process all this.  It's late, so if you'd like to stay rather than drive home, you're welcome to the guest room."

I stood up, not sure what to do.  "I..." I stopped.  "I can just go home," I said reluctantly.  I was worried about what would happen if I left, but I knew I needed to respect his need for some time and space.  I grabbed my purse, which was tipped on its side on the floor next to the couch, and walked towards the door.

I was at the door when Damien said, "Wait."  I stopped with my hand on the knob.  "I'd prefer it if you stayed," he said quietly.  "In the guest room.  But here.  You can go if you want, I understand.  But...the last time you walked out of my house like this, everything got really fucked up.  I want this to be different.  I just need to think."

I turned around and he was watching me.  "I just need to think," he repeated.  "But I want you to stay.  If you want to."  His face was finally showing some signs of his emotions, and he looked weary, confused, and sad.  I wasn't sure if that was better or worse than angry, which is what I had been expecting.

"I'd like to," I agreed.  "I'm not sure I'm really in a good state to be driving this late."

He led me up to the guest room and left to let me get settled.  In the attached bathroom I found a toothbrush, toothpaste, and generic face wash in the drawer of the vanity.  I scrubbed off my makeup and brushed my teeth.

I came out of the bathroom just in time to hear Damien knock on the bedroom door.  I opened it.  He handed me a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.  "The pants are too small for me, though they'll probably still be huge on you."  I took them and we both stood there for a few seconds.  As if he just remembered it, he held out his other hand, dangling a hooded sweatshirt towards me.  He shrugged.  "You know how cold it can be in here in the morning."

"Thank you," I said, taking the sweatshirt and laying it over the chair in the room.

"Do you need anything else?" he asked.  "Did you find a toothbrush?"

"Yes," I replied, nodding.  This felt so stiff, so formal.  "I think I have everything I need.  Thank you."

"You're welcome."  He regarded me carefully for a minute, and I resisted the urge to throw myself at him, to wrap my arms around him so tightly that he'd have no choice but to hug me back.  To my surprise, he stepped forward and put his arms around me.  I sagged against his chest in relief, wrapping my arms tightly around his lower back and choking back a sob.  I didn't want to start crying again.  Too soon, he let go and stepped back.  I bit my lip and looked at his chest.  "I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," I whispered.  I made eye contact with him as I said it, maybe for the first time since I'd gotten here.

"Goodnight, Kinsley."  And then he was gone.  I heard his footsteps disappear down the hall to his room.  I squeezed my eyes shut and sank down onto the bed, feeling like the worst person in the world.  How could I have let this happen?  I never should have let Cole walk me to my car.  I should have gone with Liv and Lauren like someone with some common sense would have.  I should have let them drive me to my car.

I fought back tears and I pulled my phone out of my purse and toyed with it.  I desperately wanted to talk to someone, anyone, but I realized I had no one to talk to.  Lauren would lecture me.  Liv would be overly sympathetic, which I didn't want right now.  This is when some of my friends would call their moms, or a sibling, I thought bitterly.  Too bad my family was so fucked up.

I threw my phone across the room, and it hit the wall with a dull thud.  I angrily pulled off my clothes and pulled Damien's t-shirt over my head.  I looked desperately around the room for something to derive some minuscule bit of comfort from and settled on Damien's sweatshirt.  I tucked it into a ball and climbed into bed, hugging the sweatshirt tightly against my body.  Once more, I cursed my awful, fucked up family, and then I started to cry again.

I cried for about a half hour before I managed to calm myself down.  I felt like such a disaster.  I was sniffling and sucking in shaky breaths when I heard a very faint knock on the door.  Before I could respond, the door slid open a couple inches.  I rolled over and saw Damien slip into the room.  He didn't say anything, he just climbed under the blankets and laid next to me, wrapping his arm tightly around me.  I didn't say anything either, and soon I fell asleep--the first time I'd ever fallen asleep in someone's arms.