Kinsley: Someday

This is it!  Kinsley's last post.  As soon as I post this, I'm going to start the finale post, which will take a future jump and be from Liv's perspective.  It will be posted by the end of the day next Saturday, possibly sooner.  As much as I've loved writing Liv, Lauren, and Kinsley's stories, I'm looking forward to wrapping it up.  Writing a long, drawn out story is hard.  I know you guys will miss this blog, and I'm so grateful to you all for making this such a well-loved story.  I really hope you'll love the new one just as much.
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The dread I felt as I left Lauren's house subsided as I walked towards Damien's car.  I figured one of two things were about to happen:  I'd tell him everything and he would decide I wasn't worth the work, or I'd tell him everything and we'd be good and that would be that.  I wasn't sure how realistic those options were, but it was calming at the time, so I didn't argue.

But as soon as Damien got out and opened the passenger side door for me, the worry came creeping back in.  "Hi," I said softly as I accepted Damien's hand that he held out to help me into his truck.  "Thanks for picking me up."

"You're welcome," he replied.  He didn't sound happy, but he didn't sound mad.  He just sounded like Damien.

We were both quiet as he drove us to my house.  I was surprised.  I guess I just assumed we'd end up at his house.  Then I got even more worried, because I realized that this way he wouldn't have to bring me home when we broke up.  He'd be able to just leave.  Leave, and go on with his life.

It was 8:30 by the time we got to my house.  My buzz was wearing off and I just felt ridiculous and very tired.  The beginning of a nasty headache was pulsing at my temples.  Why gin, Kinsley?  Ugghh.

We got inside and Damien gave me a weird look.  "Are you drunk?" he asked.

"No," I replied.  He raised an eyebrow.  I rubbed my forehead and clarified.  "I was drunk, now I'm just pathetic and ridiculous."

"You're not--" he started to argue, but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

"No, don't," I told him.  "It doesn't matter.  Let's just...can we sit?"  We were both still standing in the entryway of my place

"Yes," he replied, nodding.  He had his game face on, and I had no idea what he was feeling.  It was already making me more anxious.

Once we were sitting down, I said, "Look, I have a lot to say, and I'm not sure how well I'll handle your calmness tonight.  So, if you've got feelings about something, maybe you could try to show it a little?"

His face relaxed slightly, and concern creased his forehead.  "I'll try," he said.  "It's kind of my default mode in a stressful situation, so if it happens, I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise."

I nodded.  That was good enough for me.  I shut my eyes briefly.  So far this conversation was awkward and forced and formal.  "I don't really know where to start," I admitted.  "I just realized a whole lot of things about myself about an hour ago, which sounds really stupid, but it's true.  And it's hard to put it all into words that make sense to someone else."  I bit my lip and looked up at Damien.

He nodded encouragingly, and I opened my mouth and everything came tumbling out.  "I've never been good enough for anyone.  Ever.  I wasn't good enough for my mom to want to take care of me, or my dad to want to keep our family together.  I wasn't good enough to keep my brother out of jail.  They all left me.  Every single one of them.  Lauren and Kendra are the friends I've had the longest, and they're just from the very end of college.  Everyone leaves me, or else I leave them before they can do it themselves.  I've learned to be okay with it, because I just don't get attached to people."

Damien started to talk but I held up a finger.  I wasn't quite finished.  "I used to hate myself.  I really did.  I figured I must be a pretty shitty person if my own parents didn't love me enough to care about what happened to me when I was a kid.  But once I figured out how to live my life in a way that made sense to me, I actually started liking myself.  Then I met you.  And you didn't fit with how I was living my life.  And I started to wonder if what I had been doing really did make sense to me, because I actually seemed to like this new thing better.  For a little while, it was okay.  It was great, actually.  But somewhere along the way I fucked up and got attached to you.  And then you left.  So then I got back to feeling like I'm not good enough.  And at least if I fuck things up, it'll be my fault and not just because you suddenly realized I'm not good enough."

Damien stared at me.  He looked confused.  He didn't say anything for a long time, and I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees, because I couldn't even look at him anymore.  

Finally, he spoke.  "Kinsley," he said softly.  He waited until I raised my head and reluctantly made eye contact with him.  "I am not in the business of loving people that I consider 'not good enough', in your words.  I could sit here and tell you all the reasons I think you're a great match for me, all the reasons I love you, and why I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for you.  But I'm not going to, because it doesn't matter.  I could tell you all those things, but they shouldn't have any bearing on how you feel about yourself.  You should think you're good enough regardless of what I think.

"And you're right.  I did leave, and it was one of the stupidest things I've ever done, but there's nothing I can do about that now except to tell you that I was wrong and I'm sorry and I love you."  With that, he stopped talking.

Now it was my turn to silently stare.  I don't know what I had been expecting, but it wasn't this.  I expected to be angry that he wasn't validating me and telling me all the reasons I'm good enough, but I wasn't.  He's right, it means little coming from him if I don't believe it.  And it's not his job to make me feel good about myself.

"Well..." I said finally.  "Now what?"

"That's up to you," Damien said gently.  "If you need some time to figure out what you want to do, you can have it.  I want to be with you, but I don't want you to feel stuck in a relationship where you don't ever feel good enough."

I considered this.  I know I wanted to stay with Damien, but I also didn't want to be stuck in a relationship where I didn't feel good enough.  I knew it was my issue and not his.  "I don't want to break up," I told him honestly, "but if you can give me some time to work a few things out in my head so I can be fully in this relationship without trying to sabotage it or feeling shitty about myself, that would be for the best."

"Okay," he said.  "I can do that."  He shifted as if he was going to get up.

"Wait," I said, stopping him.  "I know that I have to figure my shit out, but will you tell me what you want?"

He smiled.  "I want to marry you someday.  When we're both ready.  I want to be your husband and your partner.  I want to raise a family with you.  And I want you to be happy with whatever you decide, and I don't want either of us to have any regrets or question it."

I expected to feel panic at the thought of getting married and starting a family, but I didn't.  I felt a smile playing at the corners of my lips and realized I loved the idea.  I smiled at Damien.  "Thanks for sharing that," I said.  It sounded silly, but I knew he was being vulnerable by telling me that right now, and I appreciated it.

We both stood and I walked him to the door.  At the door we hugged, staying with our arms wrapped around each other for a long time.  "Look," I said, once we separated.  "Don't freak out if I fall off the radar completely for a little while, okay?  I promise I'll reach out when I get my shit together.  It won't be more than two weeks."

"I can live with that," Damien responded.  "It helps to have a time frame."

We stood awkward for several seconds, until he put his hands on either side of my face and kissed me.  The kiss was soft and gentle but I could feel the emotion behind it.  I gripped his forearms, holding his hands in place against my face as I kissed him back.  Finally, we pulled apart and he looked down as he put his hand on the doorknob.  "I'll see you in a couple weeks?" he asked.

"Yes," I said firmly.  "You will."

He nodded and left, and for a second I felt panicked and alone.  I reached for my phone, and in that second I realized that I needed to be okay with being alone before I could be okay truly being with someone else.

The last time I'd been alone had been after Kaleb went to jail and I was stuck at home with a drug-addicted mother and an absent, philandering father.  All "alone" meant to me was fear, uncertainty, and knowing that I wasn't anyone's priority.  After high school graduation and before Damien, I filled my time with friends and flings and strangers to avoid those same feelings.  Lauren was right.  She truly enjoyed having sex with whoever she wanted, and she did it for fun.  I had sex with whoever I wanted to prove a point, manage my emotions, and validate myself.

Once I realized this, I did the most logical thing that I could think of.  I sent my boss an email, begging for some time off of work.  It was tax season, and usually we avoided taking time off at this time of year.  Luckily, it was still early enough that after promising my boss the next day that I'd do some work while I was away, he granted me three days off: Friday, Monday, and Tuesday.  After work, I did what anyone in my situation would do, and I booked myself a room at a tiny, adults only all-inclusive resort in Mexico--far away from the party spots, of course.  Because it was so last minute and all the bigger resorts were booked, I paid a ridiculous amount for the room and the flight, but I was hoping it would be worth it.

Taking myself on a sweet vacation seemed like a good way to either self-destruct or remember the things I actually liked about myself.  At the moment, it seemed like it would be a toss up, but either way it would make my decision easy.

By the time I got to the resort on Friday, I was so wound up with nervous energy.  I was pretty sure I was going to regret taking a 4 day trip to Mexico by myself.  During tax season, no less.  But I had to do something different, and this certainly qualified.

By lunchtime on Saturday, I was a mess.  I decided my plan was backfiring.  I hadn't even left my room yet.  I couldn't bear to go out to the pool or the beach when both were full of happy couples that were enjoying their vacations.  I glared out the window at the pool angrily, then pulled my laptop out.  I grabbed a beer from the fridge in the room, cracked it open, and drank it as I got my computer connected to the painfully slow wireless.

I managed 3 hours of work before I got frustrated with the slow internet service.  I wandered back to the window.  The pool area wasn't quite as busy as it was before.  I was dying to get out in the sun, so I pulled one of my swimsuits out of my suitcase, grabbed one of the magazines I'd brought along, and managed to leave my room.  I threw a sidelong glance at my phone on the way out.  I wanted to take it with me to listen to music, but I knew if I turned it on I'd end up on social media or texting Lauren or Liv, and I needed to just detach.

It took over an hour at the pool to realize that no one was paying any attention to me.  No one was wondering why I was alone, judging me, or caring at all about whether or not I was there, taking up space.  It was a relief, and I relaxed a little bit.  Another hour was all I could take, though, and I headed back to my room.

Dinner was a whole different story.  I forced myself out of my room, but when the host at the restaurant I chose asked if it was just me, I almost turned around and left.  But I stayed, and while it wasn't the most comfortable meal I've ever eaten, at least I survived.

Over the next couple days, I relaxed even more.  By the time I had to pack up to catch my shuttle to the airport to go home, I was definitely ready to leave, but I was no longer miserable.  In fact, as I was handing off my suitcase to the shuttle driver, I thought to myself that I might enjoy taking another solo vacation again someday.

...someday.

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I do apologize for the cliffhanger (actually, that's mostly a lie), but I promise all will be wrapped up in the final post!