I just got a ton of writing done, and this post is a little shorter than usual. I think it makes a great bonus then! Plus we have not had much Brody and Liv lately. Enjoy :)
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I didn't see much of Brody or Ken for a good portion of the week. Ken stuck mostly to the lower level of the house. On Wednesday, I invited him up to have dinner with me. He declined politely, leaving me to eat by myself. I put the leftovers in the fridge for Brody, then went upstairs to relax in the bathtub for awhile. When I got out of the tub, I heard voices downstairs, and I pulled on a pair of a shorts and a t-shirt and wandered down to find Brody and Ken laughing in the kitchen. Brody was heating up the food I'd put in the fridge for him while Ken was making himself a sandwich. Even though I knew it was irrational, I was a little disappointed that Ken would happily join Brody but not me.
"Hey, Liv," Brody said as I walked into the kitchen. I greeted both of them. Brody looked exhausted, but still grinned at me as I jumped up onto the counter next to where he was standing and eating. Ken stuck around for about 90 more seconds then said goodnight and took his sandwich downstairs.
I tried not to take it personally and said, "How was your day?"
"Better now that I'm home," he replied, putting his plate in the sink and coming to stand in between my knees. When I was sitting on the counter, we were almost eye to eye. "How was yours?"
"Better now that you're home," I said, grinning at him. He laughed, which quickly turned to a yawn, then kissed me lightly.
"Don't get too excited about it," he warned me. "All I want to do is go to bed. And sleep."
"I don't blame you," I replied. "And that's fine with me!"
We headed upstairs and I let Brody have the bathroom to get ready for bed first. By the time I was done washing my face and brushing my teeth, Brody was already sprawled face down under the blankets. I almost laughed. He looked like an exhausted little kid that had just sort of tumbled into bed and gotten covered up with a blanket by his parents. He stirred when I got into bed and scooted over a little, throwing his arm over mine.
"Comfy?" I asked.
"Mmmmm."
I laughed softly. "Goodnight, I love you."
"Love you too," he mumbled, his voice seriously muffled by the pillow. I chuckled again and got comfortable.
I was making some phone calls at work the next day when Josh came in and made himself comfortable in the armchair in the corner. I finished one phone call, then immediately dialed the next. When I was done leaving a message, I hung up and looked up at him expectantly.
"Where have you been?" he asked pleasantly. "I feel like I've hardly seen you."
That's because I've been avoiding you. "I don't know," I said, keeping my voice polite. "I've been here. I've been busy, lots of client appointments."
"That's kind of why I'm here," he replied. I looked at him, confused. "I have a client I need to refer out. I thought you'd be a really good fit for her."
"I'm full right now, but thanks for thinking of me," I responded. I started to turn back to my computer, thinking we were done, but he kept talking.
"Well, Kelly said you had a client you wanted to transfer to a male therapist," he said. That was true. I had a teenage boy I'd been seeing for about a month that I thought would work better with a male therapist. I had been planning to transfer him when I reduced my hours, then ended up unexpectedly closing with another client that was moving. "We could switch."
"We could," I agreed hesitantly. I didn't trust Josh, but from everything I heard, he was a great therapist. "Let me talk to Kelly."
"Sure," he said, easily agreeing. He stood up and walked to the door, then paused, turning back around. He leaned against the doorframe and said, "Look, I've been kind of a dick to you, and I'm sorry. I had some shitty stuff happening in my life and I took it out on you. Not that it makes it okay, or anything."
Not really sure how to respond, I just thanked him. He nodded and walked out. I was surprised by his apology, but it didn't do much to change my lack of trust in him. When I got a break later in the day, I went to Kelly's office and we talked about switching our clients. In the end, we decided it was what was most clinically appropriate for both clients and she gave me the go ahead to arrange the transition with Josh. He was gone for the day, so I didn't get another chance to talk to him about it.
After work, I headed out to happy hour, relieved to see Lauren and Alex both there, and looking perfectly friendly. I greeted them and went to get a drink. By the time I came back, Christian and Kendra were there. It was almost like our old happy hours, we were just missing Brody and Kinsley. "Any updates on the roommate situation?" Lauren asked. "Any more...interruptions?" She dissolved into laughter as my face turned bright red, then of course she relayed the story to the group, despite my protests.
"Sometimes I hate you," I grumbled. "But no, no more interruptions. I don't know, things are weird. He's avoiding me, I think. I'm trying really hard to be nice because I want us to be friendly, but it seems like he's not even interested in it, which kind of sucks. Brody has been really busy this week, so Ken just hangs out downstairs and awkwardly greets me then hurries away if we happen to run into each other."
"Is it weird because Brody hasn't been around and you guys don't really know each other?" Kendra suggested.
"Well, yeah," I agreed. "I just don't know how to make it better. It kind of sucks to feel uncomfortable in your own home, and I want him to be more comfortable too."
"It'll happen," Kendra said kindly. "Don't worry too much."
Brody got home shortly after I did. There was no sign of Ken. Brody looked agitated, and I greeted him carefully.
"Hi," he responded shortly.
"Shitty day?" I asked gently.
"Yes." He grabbed some juice out of the fridge, poured himself a glass, then shoved the juice back in.
"Want to talk about it?"
"No." Even though his responses were short, his tone was fairly calm, but this was still not like him. He must have had a very shitty day, because he was never this cranky. I stepped out of his path so he could walk out of the kitchen. He paused in the doorway and turned. "I need to do some more work. I'm sorry. I'll probably be to bed late." He started to walk out then stopped again, came back to me, and kissed me lightly. "I love you."
"I love you too. Let me know if you need anything." He nodded and left the kitchen for real this time, disappearing down the hall to his office. I went into the living room and turned the TV on, mindlessly flipping through the channels for awhile.
Brody still hadn't reappeared by the time I went to bed. I woke up when he climbed into bed about an hour later, and he apologized when I rolled over. "It's okay, I don't have to be up early."
"You're going to the florist with my mom tomorrow, aren't you?" Brody asked. I confirmed that, and he said, "If you have time, you should stop at the jeweler and look at rings again. Maybe you'll find something if you're not rushed like we were last time."
"I could do that," I agreed. "Your day must have been really bad," I ventured.
He sighed and pressed his face against my hair, and I felt him nod. "It was. Neil fucked something up big time, and I have an angry client, an angry agent, and an angry attorney after me for it."
"Yikes," I said, understanding his earlier mood. "Can you fix it?"
"I'm going to lose the client either way," he said, sounding defeated. "But I think I can minimize the collateral damage at least."
"I'm sorry, baby," I said, winding my fingers between his and squeezing gently.
"People make mistakes, it's the nature of business," he said. "It just sucks."
He got quiet and I fell asleep a little while later. When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was gone. I assumed he couldn't sleep and was up working. I woke up again when his alarm went off, and realized that he must have come back to bed at some point, because he was sitting up on the side of the bed. When he got in the shower, I looked at my phone and saw that it was a little after 5.
I decided to get up and make coffee and breakfast for Brody, in hopes to at least start his day out decently. I was in the kitchen frying an egg for a breakfast sandwich when the front door opened. Confused, I turned and saw Ken coming in. He looked about as surprised as I had been when he'd walked in on Brody and I. "Oh, uh, hey..." he said, awkwardly.
"Good morning," I replied, trying to pretend that there was nothing remotely odd about this. He looked like he had had a good night. "I'm making breakfast, do you want something?"
"Um...yeah, whatever you're making is fine, thanks." He paused. "Is there coffee?"
"There is," I replied, getting a mug out. I poured him a cup and he took it gratefully.
"Thanks," he said, smiling a little. "I'll be back in a few minutes." He headed downstairs, presumably to shower and change.
Brody came down right as I was putting the breakfast sandwiches together. He looked like he hadn't slept at all. Despite that, he still managed a sleepy smile when I handed him his breakfast. "You're the best," he said. "You didn't need to get up for me."
"I wanted to," I said, pouring him a cup of coffee.
He took out two plates and motioned to the table. "If you can get up before dawn for me, the least I can do is eat with you." We had just sat down when Ken reemerged from the lower level, showered, shaved, and dressed.
"Hey man," Brody greeted him. "What time did you get in last night?"
Ken looked at me, and I tried not to laugh. "Um, about 20 minutes ago," he said, sheepishly. Brody laughed and shook his head as Ken grabbed a plate and a breakfast sandwich and his cup of coffee. He joined us at the table and I smiled at him. He returned my smile briefly and then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the time we were eating. I felt a little defeated in my efforts to be friendly and form a solid relationship with him, but I kept my mouth shut.
When we were done eating, I shooed the guys out the door and cleaned up, then went back up to bed to lay down for a little while longer. I didn't fall back to sleep, but I didn't mind relaxing in the comfortable bed with my Kindle one bit. Then I got up, showered, did my hair and makeup, and got dressed, and was ready to go meet Brody's mom for lunch and wedding stuff.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Update
Hi all! I apologize for not being able to get another main storyline post up this week. I'm working on next week's and do plan to have two main storyline posts for my Brody and Liv and fans. Poor Liv and Brody have been terribly neglected lately. There will be more Lauren, as well.
I also wanted to provide an update on the impending end of Brody and Liv's story, because I was fairly vague in my announcement. I just wrapped up the rough draft of the final post (I've never written linearly. I knew what I wanted to write, so I wrote it, even though I have quite a bit in between to write still!), and I'm sending it off to a good friend (and reader) who has agreed to read it for me and help me make sure it's as accurate, realistic, and awesome as possible. I want to be sure I'm giving Brody and Liv the ending that they (and you guys!) deserve.
With that said, we're looking at mid to late October for the ending of Brody and Liv's storyline. I'm going to do my best to tie up any loose ends between now and then...hopefully I don't miss any! I plan to continue with Lauren and Kinsley's storylines as long as I have stuff to write and the energy to do it.
Let me know if there's anything you want to see or hear about in the last couple months of Brody and Liv's story and as always, I will do my best to include it if it fits!
I also wanted to provide an update on the impending end of Brody and Liv's story, because I was fairly vague in my announcement. I just wrapped up the rough draft of the final post (I've never written linearly. I knew what I wanted to write, so I wrote it, even though I have quite a bit in between to write still!), and I'm sending it off to a good friend (and reader) who has agreed to read it for me and help me make sure it's as accurate, realistic, and awesome as possible. I want to be sure I'm giving Brody and Liv the ending that they (and you guys!) deserve.
With that said, we're looking at mid to late October for the ending of Brody and Liv's storyline. I'm going to do my best to tie up any loose ends between now and then...hopefully I don't miss any! I plan to continue with Lauren and Kinsley's storylines as long as I have stuff to write and the energy to do it.
Let me know if there's anything you want to see or hear about in the last couple months of Brody and Liv's story and as always, I will do my best to include it if it fits!
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
(Now) Lauren: Relief
Alex and I freeze each other out for the rest of the weekend. We've only seriously argued once before, and that was when he wanted to make our relationship "official" and I freaked out. We fought ugly and dirty then too. This time, I can't do a thing about it until my mom leaves. Then, by the time I drop her off at the airport, I'm so angry that I haven't heard from him that I don't even want to see him. I make plans with Liv for that evening so I'm not tempted to give in and call him. I broke the last stalemate. I'm not doing it this time.
By lunch on Tuesday, my resolve is gone. Seeing Logan only solidified how wrong I was. I avoid him for as much time as I possibly can, and sneak out of the building at lunch. I pull my phone out to call Alex, ready to end this stupid cold war by apologizing. To my surprise, I have a text from him. It says, "I miss you, Laur. Call me when you're ready to talk about everything. I love you."
He sent it at about 10:30 this morning. I had been so busy this morning that I hadn't even looked at me phone. I call him and wait while it rings, anxious that he's changed his mind and won't answer. "Lauren," he says when he picks up. It's not much of a greeting, but he sounds relieved, and I am too.
"Hi," I reply. "I had just made up my mind to call you, and I saw that you texted."
"I'm glad you did," he says. Then we're both silent, neither of us knowing where to start. Finally, I suggest we get together tonight after work, and he agrees. I hang up feeling anxious and dreading the rest of the afternoon.
When I get back to the office after lunch, I find Logan loitering outside the building. "You went to lunch without me," he says, pretending to be hurt.
"Yes, well, your text on Friday got me in trouble," I snap back. Logan raises his eyebrows, and I sigh. "Actually, I got me in trouble. I can't do this anymore. I love him, and I've been an idiot. Our relationship needs to be strictly professional, Logan."
He snorts. "Okay, sure. But if your boyfriend feels like a little harmless flirting is a threat to his relationship, he's got bigger problems on his hands. Let me know if you change your mind." He flashes a cocky grin at me and walks away, clearly irritated by my resolution. That's fine. Let him be irritated...he's less likely to try to keep flirting with you then. We both know our flirting was far from harmless. We'd crossed the line from "harmless" flirting to the kind that you wouldn't dream of doing in front of your significant other (or anyone that knows your significant other or knows you have one) after his third day on the job.
I'm distracted the rest of the day, worried about how things will go with Alex tonight. I barely get all the work done that I need to, but I manage to finish everything up at the last second. I get home with enough time to shower before Alex comes over, and I'm glad, because the shower helps calm my nerves.
He rings the doorbell and I pull open the door and we both just stand there looking at each other for several seconds before he steps forwards and pulls me into a fierce hug. I slump against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and grabbing two fistfuls of his shirt. I turn my head to the side and say, "I'm sorry," at the same time he says, "I missed you." Then I say, "I missed you too," while he says "I'm sorry too." We both laugh and stay twisted together for nearly 30 more seconds before reluctantly drawing apart.
Alex steps inside and shuts the door behind himself. I watch him as he takes his shoes off, then he grabs my hand and pulls me over to the couch. I study his face, and I see the worry that has been ever-present lately in his eyes. "I want to talk about everything," he says.
"Everything?" I parrot.
"Everything," he confirms. He sees my hesitation and continues, "Lauren, I know something is going on. If you tell me there's nothing happening with that guy you work with, I believe it...but I know there's something and I really want you to tell me what it is." His eyes are trained on mine and I know I'm not getting out of this without laying everything out on the table.
"Nothing is happening with Logan," I assure him. "We were doing a lot of flirting, and it shouldn't have happened, and I'm sorry. It never went past flirting though, and when I saw him at work today, I told him that our relationship needed to be strictly professional." He nods, and now he looks relieved. I feel terrible that I was so careless with our relationship and his feelings and trust. He waits for me to tell him what is going on, and I'm searching my brain for the right way to say it, and cursing myself for not figuring out what I was going to say before this morning. "I'm bored," I blurt. Fuck. I meant to say it a little better than that.
His face changes instantly. "Bored?" he repeats, looking both surprised and irritated. "So...what do you need to be less bored? A threesome? Sex in public? I can spank you, if you want." His words drip with sarcasm, and I'm a lot more upset by it by than I expect. Clearly, he is too.
"No," I say, desperate to fix what my impulsive mouth just fucked up. I realize, in that instant, that losing Alex is perfectly terrifying. "Not like that...I..." I stutter and trail off, searching for the right way to say it.
"Oh, so you're not bored in bed, you're bored with me. That's much better." I've really fucked up. He is pissed. Worse than that, hurt.
"No, Alex!" I exclaim. "Please, just give me a minute to put my thoughts together coherently so I don't fuck it up even worse."
"Take all the time you need. I'll try not to get too bored while I wait." He sits back, leaning against the back of the couch and crossing his arms. I stare at him. Even with as unfair as we tend to fight, I have never seen him like this. I didn't even realize he was capable of being such an asshole. My eyes start to burn and I blink furiously. Alex shuts his eyes and rubs his hand over his face. "Lauren," he says, and the sarcasm is gone. "I'm sorry. That was shitty."
"Yeah, it kind of was," I say, before I can stop myself. I frown. "But I'm not doing much better, I guess."
"You're just making me nervous," he admits. "With how weird you've been lately I've been worried about this happening. I've managed to imagine just about every possible thing that could be wrong, and this was one of the things I thought about. It sucks to hear you say it out loud."
"I love you Alex, and I want to figure this out," I say and the relief is back. "Can I have 10 minutes to collect my thoughts so we can talk about this without me putting my foot in my mouth again?" He nods and I stand and go into the kitchen. I turn on the water and start washing dishes; I always think better when I'm busy.
But my 10 minutes does little more than make me even more nervous. I still have no idea how I'm going to tell Alex what I'm feeling without hurting him any more than I already had. I'm nervous enough that I'm shaking and starting to sweat a little when I sit back down. Alex turns off the TV, which he had turned on while I was in the kitchen, and looks at me expectantly. I stare back at him helplessly. I want to kick myself, because I am seriously annoying myself with this shit.
"Laur," Alex says gently, taking one of my trembling hands between both of his and squeezing gently. "Just get it all out here. I can take it."
I close my eyes and shake my head slightly, mad at myself for making him think that this was all on him. "No," I protest. "I mean, it's my shit, not something you've done. I just don't really know how to explain it."
I can tell that he's getting sort of frustrated, and I don't blame him. "Try," he replies, his voice firm.
I nod, take a deep breath, and say, "I'm not used to this whole monogamy thing, and it's hard. I don't mean it's hard like I want to go out and have sex with other guys, because I most certainly don't. I love you. I want to be with you. But I'm definitely not used to everything being so...easy, for lack of a better word. And I do miss the chase, and the excitement of pursuing someone new. And I don't actually know, but I can make a reasonable guess that that's probably pretty normal in relationships, but I've spent so much of my life being able to have that whenever I want, so it's hard for me to get used to. That's why I started flirting with Logan. I didn't mean for it to become anything, it just was satisfying my need to have that pursuit." I glance up at Alex and quickly add, "Which I have now realized was not a good way to satisfy that need."
Alex nods. He's silent for several seconds, processing. Then he says, "So I don't really understand how that relates to how weird you've been lately."
I frown, trying to figure out how to articulate it. "I think I was misplacing my feelings and they came out as irritation at you," I say finally. "I'm sorry."
"So what do we do to fix it?" he asks.
"I don't know," I reply miserably. Here I have a man who is willing to help me fix my own damn weird things, and I don't even know what I need from him. He doesn't say anything, just waits for me to come up with something. "Well, I mean maybe if things were a little less routine? I feel like we always eat at the same places and do the same things and I don't do well with routine."
He bursts into laughter, and I glare at him. "I'm sorry," he says once he catches his breath. "Lauren, you thrive on routine. You almost killed me when I interrupted your morning routine and you had to do your hair before you brushed your teeth."
"That's daily routine, that's different!" I argue. "I mean like routine in life. You know I don't like to do the same thing over and over." Alex is still trying to fight his laughter and now I'm getting annoyed. "Never mind," I grumble.
"No, hey," he responds, getting it under control. "I'm sorry. Look, that's fine. We can do that."
"That's another thing!" I exclaim. He gives me a weird look. "You agree with everything I say. I hate it. You don't ever challenge me anymore. I miss that."
He frowns. "Every time I challenge you we argue. You were pissed when I called you on the Kinsley stuff a couple weeks ago. I stopped because it's easier not to."
"I like that though," I say. "I'm not seriously arguing with you when we do that--like, I'm not upset. But I like knowing what you think and when you don't agree with me. It keeps things interesting. I did get mad about the Kinsley thing, but that's because I wasn't judging her. I was..." I stop, not wanting to finish that thought.
"You were wishing you were her?" he asks drily.
"Yes," I whisper, looking down. I feel vaguely sick to my stomach.
"Lauren, it's almost impossible for me to tell when you're arguing for fun or when you're arguing because you're serious and you're upset. I can try to stop agreeing with everything you say, but I need you to not react quite so aggressively. Things are different now that we're together. There are feelings, and it's harder to just debate without it getting ugly and getting real."
"Oh," I say. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't realized he was having a hard time with that. "Well why didn't you tell me that?" I ask. "Probably because you didn't want to piss me off," I finish for him after a beat.
"Exactly," he replies. "You're a little..." he trails off, like he's trying to think of the right word.
"Bitchy?" I supply helpfully.
He laughs. "Let's go with temperamental."
"I like bitchy better."
"I don't. You can be temperamental, and as awesome as being with you is for me, it's also a little scary. I've been waiting so long for it, and knowing that I could lose you in a second is hard. Especially because I'd have to then watch you do whatever you did after that."
I frown. "Do you really think I could just walk away and be good?"
"For the last month, yes...I've worried about that. Lauren, I don't know how you feel half the time unless you're pissed off. Especially these last few weeks. It was fine until you started getting really weird and wouldn't talk to me. I need you to realize that you've got me and you're not going to scare me away by talking to me about things you're not happy with and how you feel. But when you refuse to talk to me, I jump to the worst in my head, and then I get all freaked out and you're still unhappy, and then this happens."
"I knew you were worried," I admit, "but I guess I didn't realize you were that worried. I'm sorry."
He smiles wryly. "Look, we can both sit here and apologize all night, but I think we're good on apologies now--unless I have something to apologize for that you haven't told me yet." I shake my head. "Good. Is there more we should talk about? I think I've said all the things I needed to."
"I'm good," I say softly. "I mean, aside from wishing I would have talked to you sooner."
He nods. "I wish I had talked to you sooner too. I think if I had told you how much you were freaking me out, that might have helped."
I exhale a long breath I didn't know I was holding, and the room tilts a little. "Lauren?" Alex asks gently.
"I'm okay," I say quickly, but wonder if I am. I'm still shaking (or maybe shaking again?) and I'm a little dizzy. "Um, actually, I can't remember the last time I ate anything. I think I probably should eat." I try to remember if I'd had breakfast, because I know I didn't have lunch. Alex walks into the kitchen and brings me a banana, then goes back and rattles around in there some more. When he returns, he hands me a sandwich. "When your boyfriend goes to the kitchen and makes you a sandwich, you keep him," I joke.
"Shut up," he says, laughing. "And eat your damn sandwich before you pass out on me." So I eat my sandwich, feeling a bit stupid and dramatic, but also relieved. The worried look is gone from Alex's eyes, and relief has replaced it. I eat most of my sandwich and give the rest to Alex. I feel better already.
Alex gets up and takes my plate and banana peel into the kitchen. When he comes back, I stand and hug him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly against him, and I sigh. "Thank you for hearing what I had to say," I say.
"I missed you," he replies. "You haven't really been here for a few weeks. This feels better."
"It does," I agree. "Are you staying with me tonight?"
"I was planning on it."
"Good," I respond, smiling.
By lunch on Tuesday, my resolve is gone. Seeing Logan only solidified how wrong I was. I avoid him for as much time as I possibly can, and sneak out of the building at lunch. I pull my phone out to call Alex, ready to end this stupid cold war by apologizing. To my surprise, I have a text from him. It says, "I miss you, Laur. Call me when you're ready to talk about everything. I love you."
He sent it at about 10:30 this morning. I had been so busy this morning that I hadn't even looked at me phone. I call him and wait while it rings, anxious that he's changed his mind and won't answer. "Lauren," he says when he picks up. It's not much of a greeting, but he sounds relieved, and I am too.
"Hi," I reply. "I had just made up my mind to call you, and I saw that you texted."
"I'm glad you did," he says. Then we're both silent, neither of us knowing where to start. Finally, I suggest we get together tonight after work, and he agrees. I hang up feeling anxious and dreading the rest of the afternoon.
When I get back to the office after lunch, I find Logan loitering outside the building. "You went to lunch without me," he says, pretending to be hurt.
"Yes, well, your text on Friday got me in trouble," I snap back. Logan raises his eyebrows, and I sigh. "Actually, I got me in trouble. I can't do this anymore. I love him, and I've been an idiot. Our relationship needs to be strictly professional, Logan."
He snorts. "Okay, sure. But if your boyfriend feels like a little harmless flirting is a threat to his relationship, he's got bigger problems on his hands. Let me know if you change your mind." He flashes a cocky grin at me and walks away, clearly irritated by my resolution. That's fine. Let him be irritated...he's less likely to try to keep flirting with you then. We both know our flirting was far from harmless. We'd crossed the line from "harmless" flirting to the kind that you wouldn't dream of doing in front of your significant other (or anyone that knows your significant other or knows you have one) after his third day on the job.
I'm distracted the rest of the day, worried about how things will go with Alex tonight. I barely get all the work done that I need to, but I manage to finish everything up at the last second. I get home with enough time to shower before Alex comes over, and I'm glad, because the shower helps calm my nerves.
He rings the doorbell and I pull open the door and we both just stand there looking at each other for several seconds before he steps forwards and pulls me into a fierce hug. I slump against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and grabbing two fistfuls of his shirt. I turn my head to the side and say, "I'm sorry," at the same time he says, "I missed you." Then I say, "I missed you too," while he says "I'm sorry too." We both laugh and stay twisted together for nearly 30 more seconds before reluctantly drawing apart.
Alex steps inside and shuts the door behind himself. I watch him as he takes his shoes off, then he grabs my hand and pulls me over to the couch. I study his face, and I see the worry that has been ever-present lately in his eyes. "I want to talk about everything," he says.
"Everything?" I parrot.
"Everything," he confirms. He sees my hesitation and continues, "Lauren, I know something is going on. If you tell me there's nothing happening with that guy you work with, I believe it...but I know there's something and I really want you to tell me what it is." His eyes are trained on mine and I know I'm not getting out of this without laying everything out on the table.
"Nothing is happening with Logan," I assure him. "We were doing a lot of flirting, and it shouldn't have happened, and I'm sorry. It never went past flirting though, and when I saw him at work today, I told him that our relationship needed to be strictly professional." He nods, and now he looks relieved. I feel terrible that I was so careless with our relationship and his feelings and trust. He waits for me to tell him what is going on, and I'm searching my brain for the right way to say it, and cursing myself for not figuring out what I was going to say before this morning. "I'm bored," I blurt. Fuck. I meant to say it a little better than that.
His face changes instantly. "Bored?" he repeats, looking both surprised and irritated. "So...what do you need to be less bored? A threesome? Sex in public? I can spank you, if you want." His words drip with sarcasm, and I'm a lot more upset by it by than I expect. Clearly, he is too.
"No," I say, desperate to fix what my impulsive mouth just fucked up. I realize, in that instant, that losing Alex is perfectly terrifying. "Not like that...I..." I stutter and trail off, searching for the right way to say it.
"Oh, so you're not bored in bed, you're bored with me. That's much better." I've really fucked up. He is pissed. Worse than that, hurt.
"No, Alex!" I exclaim. "Please, just give me a minute to put my thoughts together coherently so I don't fuck it up even worse."
"Take all the time you need. I'll try not to get too bored while I wait." He sits back, leaning against the back of the couch and crossing his arms. I stare at him. Even with as unfair as we tend to fight, I have never seen him like this. I didn't even realize he was capable of being such an asshole. My eyes start to burn and I blink furiously. Alex shuts his eyes and rubs his hand over his face. "Lauren," he says, and the sarcasm is gone. "I'm sorry. That was shitty."
"Yeah, it kind of was," I say, before I can stop myself. I frown. "But I'm not doing much better, I guess."
"You're just making me nervous," he admits. "With how weird you've been lately I've been worried about this happening. I've managed to imagine just about every possible thing that could be wrong, and this was one of the things I thought about. It sucks to hear you say it out loud."
"I love you Alex, and I want to figure this out," I say and the relief is back. "Can I have 10 minutes to collect my thoughts so we can talk about this without me putting my foot in my mouth again?" He nods and I stand and go into the kitchen. I turn on the water and start washing dishes; I always think better when I'm busy.
But my 10 minutes does little more than make me even more nervous. I still have no idea how I'm going to tell Alex what I'm feeling without hurting him any more than I already had. I'm nervous enough that I'm shaking and starting to sweat a little when I sit back down. Alex turns off the TV, which he had turned on while I was in the kitchen, and looks at me expectantly. I stare back at him helplessly. I want to kick myself, because I am seriously annoying myself with this shit.
"Laur," Alex says gently, taking one of my trembling hands between both of his and squeezing gently. "Just get it all out here. I can take it."
I close my eyes and shake my head slightly, mad at myself for making him think that this was all on him. "No," I protest. "I mean, it's my shit, not something you've done. I just don't really know how to explain it."
I can tell that he's getting sort of frustrated, and I don't blame him. "Try," he replies, his voice firm.
I nod, take a deep breath, and say, "I'm not used to this whole monogamy thing, and it's hard. I don't mean it's hard like I want to go out and have sex with other guys, because I most certainly don't. I love you. I want to be with you. But I'm definitely not used to everything being so...easy, for lack of a better word. And I do miss the chase, and the excitement of pursuing someone new. And I don't actually know, but I can make a reasonable guess that that's probably pretty normal in relationships, but I've spent so much of my life being able to have that whenever I want, so it's hard for me to get used to. That's why I started flirting with Logan. I didn't mean for it to become anything, it just was satisfying my need to have that pursuit." I glance up at Alex and quickly add, "Which I have now realized was not a good way to satisfy that need."
Alex nods. He's silent for several seconds, processing. Then he says, "So I don't really understand how that relates to how weird you've been lately."
I frown, trying to figure out how to articulate it. "I think I was misplacing my feelings and they came out as irritation at you," I say finally. "I'm sorry."
"So what do we do to fix it?" he asks.
"I don't know," I reply miserably. Here I have a man who is willing to help me fix my own damn weird things, and I don't even know what I need from him. He doesn't say anything, just waits for me to come up with something. "Well, I mean maybe if things were a little less routine? I feel like we always eat at the same places and do the same things and I don't do well with routine."
He bursts into laughter, and I glare at him. "I'm sorry," he says once he catches his breath. "Lauren, you thrive on routine. You almost killed me when I interrupted your morning routine and you had to do your hair before you brushed your teeth."
"That's daily routine, that's different!" I argue. "I mean like routine in life. You know I don't like to do the same thing over and over." Alex is still trying to fight his laughter and now I'm getting annoyed. "Never mind," I grumble.
"No, hey," he responds, getting it under control. "I'm sorry. Look, that's fine. We can do that."
"That's another thing!" I exclaim. He gives me a weird look. "You agree with everything I say. I hate it. You don't ever challenge me anymore. I miss that."
He frowns. "Every time I challenge you we argue. You were pissed when I called you on the Kinsley stuff a couple weeks ago. I stopped because it's easier not to."
"I like that though," I say. "I'm not seriously arguing with you when we do that--like, I'm not upset. But I like knowing what you think and when you don't agree with me. It keeps things interesting. I did get mad about the Kinsley thing, but that's because I wasn't judging her. I was..." I stop, not wanting to finish that thought.
"You were wishing you were her?" he asks drily.
"Yes," I whisper, looking down. I feel vaguely sick to my stomach.
"Lauren, it's almost impossible for me to tell when you're arguing for fun or when you're arguing because you're serious and you're upset. I can try to stop agreeing with everything you say, but I need you to not react quite so aggressively. Things are different now that we're together. There are feelings, and it's harder to just debate without it getting ugly and getting real."
"Oh," I say. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't realized he was having a hard time with that. "Well why didn't you tell me that?" I ask. "Probably because you didn't want to piss me off," I finish for him after a beat.
"Exactly," he replies. "You're a little..." he trails off, like he's trying to think of the right word.
"Bitchy?" I supply helpfully.
He laughs. "Let's go with temperamental."
"I like bitchy better."
"I don't. You can be temperamental, and as awesome as being with you is for me, it's also a little scary. I've been waiting so long for it, and knowing that I could lose you in a second is hard. Especially because I'd have to then watch you do whatever you did after that."
I frown. "Do you really think I could just walk away and be good?"
"For the last month, yes...I've worried about that. Lauren, I don't know how you feel half the time unless you're pissed off. Especially these last few weeks. It was fine until you started getting really weird and wouldn't talk to me. I need you to realize that you've got me and you're not going to scare me away by talking to me about things you're not happy with and how you feel. But when you refuse to talk to me, I jump to the worst in my head, and then I get all freaked out and you're still unhappy, and then this happens."
"I knew you were worried," I admit, "but I guess I didn't realize you were that worried. I'm sorry."
He smiles wryly. "Look, we can both sit here and apologize all night, but I think we're good on apologies now--unless I have something to apologize for that you haven't told me yet." I shake my head. "Good. Is there more we should talk about? I think I've said all the things I needed to."
"I'm good," I say softly. "I mean, aside from wishing I would have talked to you sooner."
He nods. "I wish I had talked to you sooner too. I think if I had told you how much you were freaking me out, that might have helped."
I exhale a long breath I didn't know I was holding, and the room tilts a little. "Lauren?" Alex asks gently.
"I'm okay," I say quickly, but wonder if I am. I'm still shaking (or maybe shaking again?) and I'm a little dizzy. "Um, actually, I can't remember the last time I ate anything. I think I probably should eat." I try to remember if I'd had breakfast, because I know I didn't have lunch. Alex walks into the kitchen and brings me a banana, then goes back and rattles around in there some more. When he returns, he hands me a sandwich. "When your boyfriend goes to the kitchen and makes you a sandwich, you keep him," I joke.
"Shut up," he says, laughing. "And eat your damn sandwich before you pass out on me." So I eat my sandwich, feeling a bit stupid and dramatic, but also relieved. The worried look is gone from Alex's eyes, and relief has replaced it. I eat most of my sandwich and give the rest to Alex. I feel better already.
Alex gets up and takes my plate and banana peel into the kitchen. When he comes back, I stand and hug him. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly against him, and I sigh. "Thank you for hearing what I had to say," I say.
"I missed you," he replies. "You haven't really been here for a few weeks. This feels better."
"It does," I agree. "Are you staying with me tonight?"
"I was planning on it."
"Good," I respond, smiling.
Monday, August 17, 2015
(Now) Lauren: Smooth
Well, I didn't mean for this to post today, but it looks like I chose the wrong date and the scheduling thing actually worked, ha. So enjoy your unplanned bonus. I guarantee at least one more posts later this week, but I'll shoot for two!
_____________________
I start skipping happy hours. I can't stand to watch Kinsley running around, hitting on everything with a dick. She and Liv think I'm judging her, but the truth is that this is the closest I've ever been to being jealous of anyone in my life. We used to do that shit together, and now I have to watch her do it while I'm stuck in my boring relationship with a man I love and don't want to lose. I can't quite reconcile my conflicting feelings of wanting to be right next to her, flirting with anyone that might buy us a drink, and wishing I was instead at home on the couch with Alex, being happy and satisfied in our little bubble of monogamy. So I think it's easier if I just don't go.
I know that I also owe Kinsley an apology, but I just can't yet. That's a terrible reason to put it off, but I don't feel like I can explain myself and without that, I'm not sure the apology will sound sincere. So instead, I avoid going anywhere she might be, like the excellently mature adult that I am.
I'm really looking forward to my mom visiting, and I'm hoping it will mean a weekend off from thinking about all of this. I took Friday off work and pick my mom up from the airport in the late morning. Even though I just saw her a couple weeks ago, I'm so excited to see her again. It was like I'd forgotten how close we used to be until I saw her over the 4th. Now I miss her even more than I had.
"You should just move out here," I tell her, for probably the thousandth time. It's true though. Both of her kids live out here, plus her grandchild. If that's not a good reason to move, I don't know what is!
"You know I'd love to someday, sweetheart," she replies. "But you also know there's no one else to take care of your grandfather." My grandpa refuses to move to an assisted living facility or nursing home, so instead he lives with a friend and the friend's middle-aged son. None of the three of them drive, so my mom spends a lot of time taking my grandpa to appointments and on errands.
"I know," I acknowledge.
"So what's the plan for the weekend?" my mom asks.
I think for a second, then say, "Dinner with Amanda, Casey, and Evan tonight." I'm excited--I haven't seen my niece Casey in too long. I make a mental note to make more of an effort to see my sister and her family outside of special occasions. They're so busy that it's hard, but it's always worth it.
"Tomorrow we have a late lunch planned with Liv, but outside that I don't have anything planned yet. We can do whatever you want. Amanda wanted to go to the zoo on Sunday with you and Casey, and I'm bowing out of that one, but I was thinking you and I could do dinner in at my house on Sunday evening. You'll be spending Sunday night with me, right?" My mom was planning to spend Friday and Saturday night at Amanda's house, because she simply has more room (and also my mom's only grandchild!), and then Sunday night with me. I have Monday off work again, and her flight out is in the late afternoon, so we'll have all of Monday morning to spend together too.
We stop at my house first, and I give her the tour. We walk to a nearby cafe for lunch, and I ask my mom about her boyfriend. It's hard for me to even say that word, because I've never known my mom as anything but single. When she talks about him, though, I can see how happy she is, and I'm happy for her.
"How about your boyfriend?" she asks me. "Will I get to see him this weekend?"
"Probably tomorrow," I say noncommittally. "He's been really busy." Again with the lying. All the lying.
"Oh, really?" my mom asks, sounding skeptical.
"Yes," I say firmly. I gently steer the conversation into more neutral topics: my job, her job, Liv's wedding, real estate costs in Denver. After lunch, we drop off her stuff at Amanda's house and play tourist for a little while. For having two daughters out here, my mom has spent very little time out here and seen very little of the city.
After dinner on Friday, I head to Alex's house. It's been a few days since I've seen him. That in itself isn't weird for us. It happens occasionally. But what is weird is that we've had little contact during that time. I find that I'm anxious and excited to see him, and I wonder if that's all we need--just a little less "us time". Maybe I'm not actually bored, but just need a little more time to myself to do "me things." I roll that idea around in my head as I drive, and decide that that feels like a good hypothesis. Then I immediately start to wonder if that's a normal thing to want. What would I do in the event I got married? Maybe I can talk my future husband into living in side-by-side townhouses so I can always have plenty of space to myself. Or, maybe I'm just not cut out to get married--a thought that isn't new to me.
By the time I pull up in front of Alex's house, my thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I understand the panic that used to hit Liv every time she tried to think about the future. The future is a scary fucking place. I sit in my car for a minute and take a couple deep breaths to try to calm myself down, and promptly decide that taking deep breaths is a bullshit way to try to calm down. Doesn't work. But by the time I knock lightly on Alex's door, I'm feeling a little better.
When he opens the door, the feeling of being happy to see him comes back, and I hug him. "Well, hello," he says, chuckling at my enthusiastic greeting. "You could have just come in, you know."
"I know," I say. "But this was better." He looks at me, and though he's smiling, he's got that worried look in his eyes again. Alex's eyes are so expressive--even when the rest of his face is perfectly neutral, I can read his feelings in his eyes. The few times I haven't been able to have been completely unnerving. The worry I read there now immediately puts a damper on my mood. "What?" I ask, unable to help myself.
"Nothing," he says, shaking his head. "I'm happy to see you." My stomach clenches. What happened to make us both so hesitant to talk about how we're really feeling? As soon as the question flits through my head, I know the answer to it. Talking about what's going on might mean losing what we have. Avoidance is clearly the best tactic.
We both loosen up fairly quickly, though. Soon everything feels like it had before my boredom started worming its way in, permeating the comfortable bond we'd formed. I'm laying on the couch with my head in his lap (the closest I get to cuddling any time that's not immediately following sex) while we watch a movie when I hear my phone ping on the end table next to him. I sit up and say, "Sorry, can you hand it here? I'll turn the sound off." He reaches for it and starts to hand it to me, but his eyes fall to the text preview that popped up on my iPhone's screen. He clenches his teeth and then cuts his eyes at me.
"What?" I ask. "I'm sorry. I said I'd turn it down."
"Maybe you should read the text you just got," he says softly. The screen is dark again by the time the phone is in my hand, but as soon as I hit the home button and see the text I received, I understand why Alex is upset. Sitting there in the middle of my screen is a text from Logan that says, "Get rid of that boyfriend yet?" I drop the phone and my heart sinks. I know I'm in trouble.
I thought that by telling Logan I had a boyfriend, I was avoiding trouble. Turns out he has a girlfriend as well, back in Arizona--which is where he moved from. I thought we were safe. But all it did was making everything a little more risky, a little more dangerous, and a little more fun. Nothing had happened between us besides a few lunches at work, some flirtatious banter, or "accidental" physical contact a few times, but this text certainly suggests otherwise.
"Alex..." I start, desperately fumbling for something to say to make it better. He's sitting and staring at me, silently, and he looks hurt, confused, and angry. I don't blame him one bit. Words aren't coming to me, and I sit pathetically, my eyes pleading with him to understand.
When I don't say more, he grabs the phone from my lap, holding it between his fingertips like it's hot. "Who is," he asks, pausing to turn the screen back on, "Logan?"
"A new person at work," I say miserably. Not coming up with anything else, I launch into an explanation of how we came to be texting each other. "He started on a day when our boss was in meetings all day, so he dumped him on me. I ended up doing most of his training and he's new in town too. So we did a lot of talking. He doesn't really know anyone in town." I watch his eyes as I talk, and I'm clearly not doing anything to reassure Alex. "He has a girlfriend," I finish weakly.
Alex narrows his eyes and says, "Good for him." I cringe. "So what's going on with you two, then?" he asks, his voice impressively calm. His eyes give him away, though.
"Nothing," I say, too quickly. "I mean, I'm not cheating on you." Smooth, Laur. So smooth.
"How reassuring," Alex replies, and his calm facade is starting to crack. I recognize the defensive sarcasm because it's familiar to me. I would have said the exact same thing if our positions were reversed.
"Alex," I say again. "Come on. Okay, we've gotten a little flirty, and that text that he sent is totally inappropriate. It's a joke, because I asked him if his girlfriend was tired of the long distance thing and had gotten rid of him yet...but it's an inappropriate joke, and I know it looks really bad." I'm getting really desperate now, and I'm scrambling for things to say to somehow make this okay. In the back of my head, I know those things don't exist, because there's nothing that would make this situation okay. I've fucked up, and I know it.
He doesn't say anything for a long time, and then, "You know, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with you after we've been friends for so long is the extensive knowledge I have of your...past." I open my mouth to defend myself--who the fuck does he think he is, bringing up my past right now? But he holds up a hand, silently asking me to let him finish. I press my lips together and sit, fighting back my anger. "I knew I'd have to let it all stay in the past and I've done that. You've never given me a reason not to leave it behind. But I don't like this--" he motions vaguely to my phone, where he'd set it down between us, "at all."
"Well, I don't like the condescending way you're talking to me right now," I snap back.
"Really?" he replies sarcastically, and he's starting to raise his voice. "I'm trying not to be pissed at you right now but this whole situation is kind of fucked, don't you think?" I glare at him silently. "I mean, you've been weird for weeks, and you won't tell me what's going on. Now you get a text from some new guy at work, asking you if you've gotten rid of me yet. Lauren, what am I supposed to think here? I'm trying not to be angry, and I'm trying to hear you out, but to be honest, nothing you've said so far is terribly reassuring, and I'm pissed."
I know he's right, and I know I shouldn't have been flirting with Logan in the first place, but it doesn't stop me from being pissed off that he doesn't believe me. "Well, if you don't believe me, then maybe I should go," I say. I grit my teeth and stare him down, silently challenging him to stop me. But he doesn't say anything. We're both so stubborn and neither of us is fighting fair, though Alex is far more justified than I am right now. I grab my phone, stand, and walk towards the door, silently willing him to stop me. But he doesn't, so I turn and spit out, "Don't bother with tomorrow either, then." And then I force myself out the door and down the sidewalk to my car. I sit there for nearly a minute, hoping he'll come after me, or call, or something, but I know he won't. He's too fucking stubborn.
But so am I, so I start my car and drive home.
_____________________
I start skipping happy hours. I can't stand to watch Kinsley running around, hitting on everything with a dick. She and Liv think I'm judging her, but the truth is that this is the closest I've ever been to being jealous of anyone in my life. We used to do that shit together, and now I have to watch her do it while I'm stuck in my boring relationship with a man I love and don't want to lose. I can't quite reconcile my conflicting feelings of wanting to be right next to her, flirting with anyone that might buy us a drink, and wishing I was instead at home on the couch with Alex, being happy and satisfied in our little bubble of monogamy. So I think it's easier if I just don't go.
I know that I also owe Kinsley an apology, but I just can't yet. That's a terrible reason to put it off, but I don't feel like I can explain myself and without that, I'm not sure the apology will sound sincere. So instead, I avoid going anywhere she might be, like the excellently mature adult that I am.
I'm really looking forward to my mom visiting, and I'm hoping it will mean a weekend off from thinking about all of this. I took Friday off work and pick my mom up from the airport in the late morning. Even though I just saw her a couple weeks ago, I'm so excited to see her again. It was like I'd forgotten how close we used to be until I saw her over the 4th. Now I miss her even more than I had.
"You should just move out here," I tell her, for probably the thousandth time. It's true though. Both of her kids live out here, plus her grandchild. If that's not a good reason to move, I don't know what is!
"You know I'd love to someday, sweetheart," she replies. "But you also know there's no one else to take care of your grandfather." My grandpa refuses to move to an assisted living facility or nursing home, so instead he lives with a friend and the friend's middle-aged son. None of the three of them drive, so my mom spends a lot of time taking my grandpa to appointments and on errands.
"I know," I acknowledge.
"So what's the plan for the weekend?" my mom asks.
I think for a second, then say, "Dinner with Amanda, Casey, and Evan tonight." I'm excited--I haven't seen my niece Casey in too long. I make a mental note to make more of an effort to see my sister and her family outside of special occasions. They're so busy that it's hard, but it's always worth it.
"Tomorrow we have a late lunch planned with Liv, but outside that I don't have anything planned yet. We can do whatever you want. Amanda wanted to go to the zoo on Sunday with you and Casey, and I'm bowing out of that one, but I was thinking you and I could do dinner in at my house on Sunday evening. You'll be spending Sunday night with me, right?" My mom was planning to spend Friday and Saturday night at Amanda's house, because she simply has more room (and also my mom's only grandchild!), and then Sunday night with me. I have Monday off work again, and her flight out is in the late afternoon, so we'll have all of Monday morning to spend together too.
We stop at my house first, and I give her the tour. We walk to a nearby cafe for lunch, and I ask my mom about her boyfriend. It's hard for me to even say that word, because I've never known my mom as anything but single. When she talks about him, though, I can see how happy she is, and I'm happy for her.
"How about your boyfriend?" she asks me. "Will I get to see him this weekend?"
"Probably tomorrow," I say noncommittally. "He's been really busy." Again with the lying. All the lying.
"Oh, really?" my mom asks, sounding skeptical.
"Yes," I say firmly. I gently steer the conversation into more neutral topics: my job, her job, Liv's wedding, real estate costs in Denver. After lunch, we drop off her stuff at Amanda's house and play tourist for a little while. For having two daughters out here, my mom has spent very little time out here and seen very little of the city.
After dinner on Friday, I head to Alex's house. It's been a few days since I've seen him. That in itself isn't weird for us. It happens occasionally. But what is weird is that we've had little contact during that time. I find that I'm anxious and excited to see him, and I wonder if that's all we need--just a little less "us time". Maybe I'm not actually bored, but just need a little more time to myself to do "me things." I roll that idea around in my head as I drive, and decide that that feels like a good hypothesis. Then I immediately start to wonder if that's a normal thing to want. What would I do in the event I got married? Maybe I can talk my future husband into living in side-by-side townhouses so I can always have plenty of space to myself. Or, maybe I'm just not cut out to get married--a thought that isn't new to me.
By the time I pull up in front of Alex's house, my thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I understand the panic that used to hit Liv every time she tried to think about the future. The future is a scary fucking place. I sit in my car for a minute and take a couple deep breaths to try to calm myself down, and promptly decide that taking deep breaths is a bullshit way to try to calm down. Doesn't work. But by the time I knock lightly on Alex's door, I'm feeling a little better.
When he opens the door, the feeling of being happy to see him comes back, and I hug him. "Well, hello," he says, chuckling at my enthusiastic greeting. "You could have just come in, you know."
"I know," I say. "But this was better." He looks at me, and though he's smiling, he's got that worried look in his eyes again. Alex's eyes are so expressive--even when the rest of his face is perfectly neutral, I can read his feelings in his eyes. The few times I haven't been able to have been completely unnerving. The worry I read there now immediately puts a damper on my mood. "What?" I ask, unable to help myself.
"Nothing," he says, shaking his head. "I'm happy to see you." My stomach clenches. What happened to make us both so hesitant to talk about how we're really feeling? As soon as the question flits through my head, I know the answer to it. Talking about what's going on might mean losing what we have. Avoidance is clearly the best tactic.
We both loosen up fairly quickly, though. Soon everything feels like it had before my boredom started worming its way in, permeating the comfortable bond we'd formed. I'm laying on the couch with my head in his lap (the closest I get to cuddling any time that's not immediately following sex) while we watch a movie when I hear my phone ping on the end table next to him. I sit up and say, "Sorry, can you hand it here? I'll turn the sound off." He reaches for it and starts to hand it to me, but his eyes fall to the text preview that popped up on my iPhone's screen. He clenches his teeth and then cuts his eyes at me.
"What?" I ask. "I'm sorry. I said I'd turn it down."
"Maybe you should read the text you just got," he says softly. The screen is dark again by the time the phone is in my hand, but as soon as I hit the home button and see the text I received, I understand why Alex is upset. Sitting there in the middle of my screen is a text from Logan that says, "Get rid of that boyfriend yet?" I drop the phone and my heart sinks. I know I'm in trouble.
I thought that by telling Logan I had a boyfriend, I was avoiding trouble. Turns out he has a girlfriend as well, back in Arizona--which is where he moved from. I thought we were safe. But all it did was making everything a little more risky, a little more dangerous, and a little more fun. Nothing had happened between us besides a few lunches at work, some flirtatious banter, or "accidental" physical contact a few times, but this text certainly suggests otherwise.
"Alex..." I start, desperately fumbling for something to say to make it better. He's sitting and staring at me, silently, and he looks hurt, confused, and angry. I don't blame him one bit. Words aren't coming to me, and I sit pathetically, my eyes pleading with him to understand.
When I don't say more, he grabs the phone from my lap, holding it between his fingertips like it's hot. "Who is," he asks, pausing to turn the screen back on, "Logan?"
"A new person at work," I say miserably. Not coming up with anything else, I launch into an explanation of how we came to be texting each other. "He started on a day when our boss was in meetings all day, so he dumped him on me. I ended up doing most of his training and he's new in town too. So we did a lot of talking. He doesn't really know anyone in town." I watch his eyes as I talk, and I'm clearly not doing anything to reassure Alex. "He has a girlfriend," I finish weakly.
Alex narrows his eyes and says, "Good for him." I cringe. "So what's going on with you two, then?" he asks, his voice impressively calm. His eyes give him away, though.
"Nothing," I say, too quickly. "I mean, I'm not cheating on you." Smooth, Laur. So smooth.
"How reassuring," Alex replies, and his calm facade is starting to crack. I recognize the defensive sarcasm because it's familiar to me. I would have said the exact same thing if our positions were reversed.
"Alex," I say again. "Come on. Okay, we've gotten a little flirty, and that text that he sent is totally inappropriate. It's a joke, because I asked him if his girlfriend was tired of the long distance thing and had gotten rid of him yet...but it's an inappropriate joke, and I know it looks really bad." I'm getting really desperate now, and I'm scrambling for things to say to somehow make this okay. In the back of my head, I know those things don't exist, because there's nothing that would make this situation okay. I've fucked up, and I know it.
He doesn't say anything for a long time, and then, "You know, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with you after we've been friends for so long is the extensive knowledge I have of your...past." I open my mouth to defend myself--who the fuck does he think he is, bringing up my past right now? But he holds up a hand, silently asking me to let him finish. I press my lips together and sit, fighting back my anger. "I knew I'd have to let it all stay in the past and I've done that. You've never given me a reason not to leave it behind. But I don't like this--" he motions vaguely to my phone, where he'd set it down between us, "at all."
"Well, I don't like the condescending way you're talking to me right now," I snap back.
"Really?" he replies sarcastically, and he's starting to raise his voice. "I'm trying not to be pissed at you right now but this whole situation is kind of fucked, don't you think?" I glare at him silently. "I mean, you've been weird for weeks, and you won't tell me what's going on. Now you get a text from some new guy at work, asking you if you've gotten rid of me yet. Lauren, what am I supposed to think here? I'm trying not to be angry, and I'm trying to hear you out, but to be honest, nothing you've said so far is terribly reassuring, and I'm pissed."
I know he's right, and I know I shouldn't have been flirting with Logan in the first place, but it doesn't stop me from being pissed off that he doesn't believe me. "Well, if you don't believe me, then maybe I should go," I say. I grit my teeth and stare him down, silently challenging him to stop me. But he doesn't say anything. We're both so stubborn and neither of us is fighting fair, though Alex is far more justified than I am right now. I grab my phone, stand, and walk towards the door, silently willing him to stop me. But he doesn't, so I turn and spit out, "Don't bother with tomorrow either, then." And then I force myself out the door and down the sidewalk to my car. I sit there for nearly a minute, hoping he'll come after me, or call, or something, but I know he won't. He's too fucking stubborn.
But so am I, so I start my car and drive home.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
That Didn't Come Out Right
On Sunday morning, I delayed going downstairs for as long as I could. I was still embarrassed about Ken walking in on us the night before. Brody actually slept in with me for once and he had to talk me out of bed. I finally dragged myself out of bed, pulled some clothes on, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, and generally procrastinated until Brody knocked on the bathroom door and said, "You might as well get it over with."
I was maybe being a little dramatic with my mortification, but your fiance's brother/your roommate for a month just should never see you having an orgasm. I was already a little uptight about even talking about my sex life, and now it had been witnessed. It was pretty much my worst nightmare.
Brody was waiting for me when I finally emerged from the bathroom. We walked downstairs together and into the kitchen. Ken was washing some dishes; his from breakfast, I assumed. He looked up when we walked in, and my face immediately got hot. "Oh, um, good morning," he said, looking just as embarrassed as I felt.
"Morning," I mumbled, making a beeline for the fridge.
"Good morning," Brody said, much more cheerfully. "Going somewhere?" I was so intent on avoiding Ken's eyes that I hadn't even noticed that he was fully dressed, shoes and all.
"Yeah, I'm heading into work for a little bit to make sure everything's ready to go for tomorrow. I'll probably be back in a couple hours."
Ken ended up being gone for most of the day. Brody got some work done that morning, and then we spent the afternoon together. We went for a long walk around our neighborhood, grilled some pork chops for dinner together and ate them on the deck, and then curled up on the couch with a movie. Ken came home while we were watching the movie and decided to hang out with us. I was still uncomfortable at first, but my embarrassment faded by the time the movie was over.
On Monday, I texted Lauren to see if we were on for that evening. She said yes, and I was surprised but glad. Maybe she'd finally fill me in on what was going on. We decided to just hang out at her house, and I picked up some wine on my way.
"How's your roommate situation?" she asked, once we were sitting on the couch with wine and food.
I recounted Saturday night's embarrassing moment, much to her delight. I thought she was going to choke, she was laughing so hard. "That's amazing," she gasped, when she finally caught her breath enough to speak.
"I beg to differ," I said dryly.
"Someday you'll laugh about it," she said, nodding confidently.
"Speaking of Saturday," I replied, changing the subject, "Alex came out with us."
"Oh, well that's good," she replied, suddenly incredibly interested in her dinner.
I narrowed my eyes. "Lauren? What's--"
"Nothing!" she snapped, not even letting me finish.
"That's insulting," I said. "How long have we been friends? What's going on?"
She glared at me. "That's exactly what he fucking said," she grumbled. "Except he was nicer about it."
"You would have said the same thing to me," I pointed out.
She considered this, then nodded, conceding. "We got in a fight. About this guy that I work with."
"Because...?"
Lauren sighed and took out her phone. She tapped the screen a couple times, scrolled, then handed it to me. The text in the middle of the screen said, "Get rid of that boyfriend yet?"
I raised an eyebrow curiously as I handed the phone back. "So Alex saw that and didn't appreciate it?" I asked.
"He asked a few questions, and he got a little jealous. I got mad that he was acting all jealous and untrusting and I left." I watched her carefully, because I wasn't convinced I was getting the whole story. "Fuck, stop looking at me like that," she said. I didn't say anything, and she sighed again, sinking back into the couch. "I'm bored, Liv," she said finally.
"What do you mean? With Alex?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know. Yes? I guess so."
"What's the deal with the guy from work, then?" I asked, trying to figure out how the pieces fit together. "I know you wouldn't cheat on Alex."
"At least someone trusts me," she grumbled. When I didn't say anything, she said, "Flirting with him is fun. But then I feel guilty doing it, so I'm grateful for Alex and I'm happy to see him, and it feels risky so it makes things more exciting."
"That sounds dangerous," I said carefully.
"Clearly," she snapped. Then she grimaced a little. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do," she admitted. "I don't want to lose Alex, but I don't want to be bored."
"What have you said to him about it?"
She snorted. "Nothing. What am I supposed to do, say, 'hey Alex, I'm bored with our relationship, can you try to be a little more exciting'?"
I laughed. "No, of course not. But I think if you did it carefully, you could do it. Maybe if you asked him to do something that would make things less boring? Or if you started doing things to make it more exciting?"
"I don't even know what I want from him, though," she said miserably. "I mean, I'm worried that it's not anything he can do differently. What if I'm just broken and won't ever be happy with just one person?" I started to answer but she promptly cut me off. "That was a rhetorical question. I don't want to talk about this anymore."
I had been expecting that (in fact, I was surprised that she'd made it as long as she had in this conversation) so I let her change the subject without protest. The new subject that she chose was my wedding, and she pulled out her phone to show me a picture of a potential bridesmaid dress she had found. "We have two options. Short or long?" she asked.
I shrugged. "Doesn't matter," I replied. "Whichever one you and Lynn like better."
"That's the problem," Lauren said. "One is short and one is long, and we love both of them. Lynn likes one slightly more, and I like the other slightly more. So we're at a stalemate, and the best way to decide is for you to decide between long or short dresses."
I frowned. "That's so much pressure," I joked. I considered for a minute, then said, "Well, since it's fall and it will be in the evening, I guess long makes more sense."
Lauren smiled triumphantly. "I win," she crowed. She held her phone out to me, showing me this dress.
"Oh, I love that dress," I said excitedly. "Does it come in white? I want to wear it!"
"You have a dress," Lauren pointed out. "So does that mean we have the go-ahead to order this one?"
"Definitely, if you both like it," I agreed. "Can I see the other one? Just out of curiosity."
"No way," she replied. "What if you like that one better? It will remain a secret. Unless you ask Lynn, I guess. I'm sure she'd be happy to show you."
Brody texted while we were talking about wedding stuff, and he said he'd be stuck at work until fairly late. I ended up staying at Lauren's until after 9, in no hurry to go home and hang out with Ken. Not for any particular reason except that I still hardly knew him and I always felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable one-on-one with people I don't know well.
I was hoping Brody would be home by the time I got there, but I pulled my car into an empty garage. It was dark and quiet on the main floor of our house, and I locked the door behind me and turned on a couple lights. I headed to the kitchen for some water, then heard, "Brody?" from the general vicinity of the stairs to the lower level.
"No, it's me," I called back. "Brody's still at work."
"Oh hi, Olivia," Ken said, wandering into the kitchen. "Brody works some weird hours sometimes, huh?"
"Yeah," I agreed. "He has good weeks and bad weeks. The bad weeks usually mean he's there pretty late and sometimes on the weekend too." I paused, then asked, "Did you need something?" I meant for it to be helpful, because he had been looking for Brody and I wondered if he had a question or wanted something, but it ended up sounding kind of dismissive.
"No," he said quickly. "I was just going to ask Brody a question. Good night, Olivia."
"Wait," I said as he turned. "That didn't come out right. I meant it wondering if you needed something I could help with, since Brody isn't here. Sorry."
"No," he repeated, but he gave me a small smile. "It's no big deal, I knew what you meant. Thank you, though." Then he turned back towards the stairs and disappeared.
"Nice work, slick," I muttered to myself, busying myself with washing the couple of dishes that were in the sink. I felt bad, because I really had meant it as a friendly offer. I told you I was awkward around people I don't know well. I finished up the dishes, gave the counter a quick wipe, then double checked that the doors were locked and headed upstairs.
While I was brushing my teeth, I heard the garage door open. The garage is under our bathroom, so we can hear the door in the bathroom, but usually not in the bedroom, luckily. By the time Brody made it up to our room, I was in bed with my Kindle. "Hi," I greeted him, as he flopped onto the bed, still wearing his shoes, shirt, and loosened tie.
"Hi," he mumbled, his face pressed against the blanket. He used his toes to pry his shoes off, letting them drop to the floor. Then he scooted over until his head was on my leg. I pushed my fingers into his hair and began massaging his scalp. He shifted to get more comfortable then closed his eyes, sighing happily.
"Bad day?" I asked.
"Just long," he replied, his voice still muffled. He yawned, then rolled over and sat up. "I need to shower before I just fall asleep in my clothes."
"Did you eat anything?" I asked. "Otherwise I can go find you something while you shower."
"I ate," he said, leaning over and kissing me. "But thank you. I bought dinner for everyone that stayed late with me." He stood and yanked his tie off, tossing it in the direction of his closet. He wandered into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. Then he came back and leaned against the door frame while he unbuttoned his shirt. "How was your day?"
"Fine," I said, shrugging. "Nothing exciting. Oh, Ken was looking for you."
"I know," Brody responded, tossing his shirt into the hamper. "He found me."
"Good. I think I maybe hurt his feelings. I didn't mean to."
He gave me a weird look, and I quickly explained what happened. He shrugged and shook his head. "He didn't say anything or seem upset," he assured me. "If he is, I'm sure he'll get over it. I wouldn't worry about it too much."
"Did you forget who you're talking to?" I asked, laughing. "I worry about everything."
"That's true," Brody agreed. "Well, I'm not worried." He went and got in the shower and I turned my attention back to my Kindle.
When he came out of the bathroom, he got in bed right away and we turned off the lights and settled easily into our familiar, tangled-together pre-sleeping position. "I want to go camping," he said, once we were settled.
"Okay, then let's go camping," I agreed. "I can't believe I haven't done that since I've moved out here."
"I wonder if anyone else would want to go," he mused.
"Maybe, we could certainly ask," I replied. "Labor Day weekend?"
"Yeah, maybe we can try to find a group site somewhere and anyone that wants to come can," he suggested.
We talked about it for a few more minutes, until Brody's yawns won out over his excitement. We shifted into more comfortable sleeping positions and we were both out within minutes.
I was maybe being a little dramatic with my mortification, but your fiance's brother/your roommate for a month just should never see you having an orgasm. I was already a little uptight about even talking about my sex life, and now it had been witnessed. It was pretty much my worst nightmare.
Brody was waiting for me when I finally emerged from the bathroom. We walked downstairs together and into the kitchen. Ken was washing some dishes; his from breakfast, I assumed. He looked up when we walked in, and my face immediately got hot. "Oh, um, good morning," he said, looking just as embarrassed as I felt.
"Morning," I mumbled, making a beeline for the fridge.
"Good morning," Brody said, much more cheerfully. "Going somewhere?" I was so intent on avoiding Ken's eyes that I hadn't even noticed that he was fully dressed, shoes and all.
"Yeah, I'm heading into work for a little bit to make sure everything's ready to go for tomorrow. I'll probably be back in a couple hours."
Ken ended up being gone for most of the day. Brody got some work done that morning, and then we spent the afternoon together. We went for a long walk around our neighborhood, grilled some pork chops for dinner together and ate them on the deck, and then curled up on the couch with a movie. Ken came home while we were watching the movie and decided to hang out with us. I was still uncomfortable at first, but my embarrassment faded by the time the movie was over.
On Monday, I texted Lauren to see if we were on for that evening. She said yes, and I was surprised but glad. Maybe she'd finally fill me in on what was going on. We decided to just hang out at her house, and I picked up some wine on my way.
"How's your roommate situation?" she asked, once we were sitting on the couch with wine and food.
I recounted Saturday night's embarrassing moment, much to her delight. I thought she was going to choke, she was laughing so hard. "That's amazing," she gasped, when she finally caught her breath enough to speak.
"I beg to differ," I said dryly.
"Someday you'll laugh about it," she said, nodding confidently.
"Speaking of Saturday," I replied, changing the subject, "Alex came out with us."
"Oh, well that's good," she replied, suddenly incredibly interested in her dinner.
I narrowed my eyes. "Lauren? What's--"
"Nothing!" she snapped, not even letting me finish.
"That's insulting," I said. "How long have we been friends? What's going on?"
She glared at me. "That's exactly what he fucking said," she grumbled. "Except he was nicer about it."
"You would have said the same thing to me," I pointed out.
She considered this, then nodded, conceding. "We got in a fight. About this guy that I work with."
"Because...?"
Lauren sighed and took out her phone. She tapped the screen a couple times, scrolled, then handed it to me. The text in the middle of the screen said, "Get rid of that boyfriend yet?"
I raised an eyebrow curiously as I handed the phone back. "So Alex saw that and didn't appreciate it?" I asked.
"He asked a few questions, and he got a little jealous. I got mad that he was acting all jealous and untrusting and I left." I watched her carefully, because I wasn't convinced I was getting the whole story. "Fuck, stop looking at me like that," she said. I didn't say anything, and she sighed again, sinking back into the couch. "I'm bored, Liv," she said finally.
"What do you mean? With Alex?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know. Yes? I guess so."
"What's the deal with the guy from work, then?" I asked, trying to figure out how the pieces fit together. "I know you wouldn't cheat on Alex."
"At least someone trusts me," she grumbled. When I didn't say anything, she said, "Flirting with him is fun. But then I feel guilty doing it, so I'm grateful for Alex and I'm happy to see him, and it feels risky so it makes things more exciting."
"That sounds dangerous," I said carefully.
"Clearly," she snapped. Then she grimaced a little. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do," she admitted. "I don't want to lose Alex, but I don't want to be bored."
"What have you said to him about it?"
She snorted. "Nothing. What am I supposed to do, say, 'hey Alex, I'm bored with our relationship, can you try to be a little more exciting'?"
I laughed. "No, of course not. But I think if you did it carefully, you could do it. Maybe if you asked him to do something that would make things less boring? Or if you started doing things to make it more exciting?"
"I don't even know what I want from him, though," she said miserably. "I mean, I'm worried that it's not anything he can do differently. What if I'm just broken and won't ever be happy with just one person?" I started to answer but she promptly cut me off. "That was a rhetorical question. I don't want to talk about this anymore."
I had been expecting that (in fact, I was surprised that she'd made it as long as she had in this conversation) so I let her change the subject without protest. The new subject that she chose was my wedding, and she pulled out her phone to show me a picture of a potential bridesmaid dress she had found. "We have two options. Short or long?" she asked.
I shrugged. "Doesn't matter," I replied. "Whichever one you and Lynn like better."
"That's the problem," Lauren said. "One is short and one is long, and we love both of them. Lynn likes one slightly more, and I like the other slightly more. So we're at a stalemate, and the best way to decide is for you to decide between long or short dresses."
I frowned. "That's so much pressure," I joked. I considered for a minute, then said, "Well, since it's fall and it will be in the evening, I guess long makes more sense."
Lauren smiled triumphantly. "I win," she crowed. She held her phone out to me, showing me this dress.
"Oh, I love that dress," I said excitedly. "Does it come in white? I want to wear it!"
"You have a dress," Lauren pointed out. "So does that mean we have the go-ahead to order this one?"
"Definitely, if you both like it," I agreed. "Can I see the other one? Just out of curiosity."
"No way," she replied. "What if you like that one better? It will remain a secret. Unless you ask Lynn, I guess. I'm sure she'd be happy to show you."
Brody texted while we were talking about wedding stuff, and he said he'd be stuck at work until fairly late. I ended up staying at Lauren's until after 9, in no hurry to go home and hang out with Ken. Not for any particular reason except that I still hardly knew him and I always felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable one-on-one with people I don't know well.
I was hoping Brody would be home by the time I got there, but I pulled my car into an empty garage. It was dark and quiet on the main floor of our house, and I locked the door behind me and turned on a couple lights. I headed to the kitchen for some water, then heard, "Brody?" from the general vicinity of the stairs to the lower level.
"No, it's me," I called back. "Brody's still at work."
"Oh hi, Olivia," Ken said, wandering into the kitchen. "Brody works some weird hours sometimes, huh?"
"Yeah," I agreed. "He has good weeks and bad weeks. The bad weeks usually mean he's there pretty late and sometimes on the weekend too." I paused, then asked, "Did you need something?" I meant for it to be helpful, because he had been looking for Brody and I wondered if he had a question or wanted something, but it ended up sounding kind of dismissive.
"No," he said quickly. "I was just going to ask Brody a question. Good night, Olivia."
"Wait," I said as he turned. "That didn't come out right. I meant it wondering if you needed something I could help with, since Brody isn't here. Sorry."
"No," he repeated, but he gave me a small smile. "It's no big deal, I knew what you meant. Thank you, though." Then he turned back towards the stairs and disappeared.
"Nice work, slick," I muttered to myself, busying myself with washing the couple of dishes that were in the sink. I felt bad, because I really had meant it as a friendly offer. I told you I was awkward around people I don't know well. I finished up the dishes, gave the counter a quick wipe, then double checked that the doors were locked and headed upstairs.
While I was brushing my teeth, I heard the garage door open. The garage is under our bathroom, so we can hear the door in the bathroom, but usually not in the bedroom, luckily. By the time Brody made it up to our room, I was in bed with my Kindle. "Hi," I greeted him, as he flopped onto the bed, still wearing his shoes, shirt, and loosened tie.
"Hi," he mumbled, his face pressed against the blanket. He used his toes to pry his shoes off, letting them drop to the floor. Then he scooted over until his head was on my leg. I pushed my fingers into his hair and began massaging his scalp. He shifted to get more comfortable then closed his eyes, sighing happily.
"Bad day?" I asked.
"Just long," he replied, his voice still muffled. He yawned, then rolled over and sat up. "I need to shower before I just fall asleep in my clothes."
"Did you eat anything?" I asked. "Otherwise I can go find you something while you shower."
"I ate," he said, leaning over and kissing me. "But thank you. I bought dinner for everyone that stayed late with me." He stood and yanked his tie off, tossing it in the direction of his closet. He wandered into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. Then he came back and leaned against the door frame while he unbuttoned his shirt. "How was your day?"
"Fine," I said, shrugging. "Nothing exciting. Oh, Ken was looking for you."
"I know," Brody responded, tossing his shirt into the hamper. "He found me."
"Good. I think I maybe hurt his feelings. I didn't mean to."
He gave me a weird look, and I quickly explained what happened. He shrugged and shook his head. "He didn't say anything or seem upset," he assured me. "If he is, I'm sure he'll get over it. I wouldn't worry about it too much."
"Did you forget who you're talking to?" I asked, laughing. "I worry about everything."
"That's true," Brody agreed. "Well, I'm not worried." He went and got in the shower and I turned my attention back to my Kindle.
When he came out of the bathroom, he got in bed right away and we turned off the lights and settled easily into our familiar, tangled-together pre-sleeping position. "I want to go camping," he said, once we were settled.
"Okay, then let's go camping," I agreed. "I can't believe I haven't done that since I've moved out here."
"I wonder if anyone else would want to go," he mused.
"Maybe, we could certainly ask," I replied. "Labor Day weekend?"
"Yeah, maybe we can try to find a group site somewhere and anyone that wants to come can," he suggested.
We talked about it for a few more minutes, until Brody's yawns won out over his excitement. We shifted into more comfortable sleeping positions and we were both out within minutes.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
(Now) Lauren: Bored
"Laur? What's wrong?" Alex's voice sounds concerned as he asks the question I was hoping he wouldn't. But of course he asks, because rolling away from him after sex is not something that I do. I love to be close to him, to be touched, when I'm coming down from my post-sex high.
"Nothing, my head hurts," I mumble into the pillow, as if hiding my face will help me lie to him.
"You're supposed to say that to get out of sex, not right after sex," he jokes, and then I feel his hand on my back. He strokes slowly, from the base of my spine up to my neck, then his fingers pause there, massaging gently. "Do you need some tylenol or something?"
"No," I say quickly. "Just some sleep, I think." I sigh despite myself, enjoying his touch as he continues to massage my neck. But as soon as I start to relax under his hand, I get angry at myself. I'm not supposed to like this when I'm feeling so...ugh.
I sit up, abruptly ending my neck rub. "Maybe I do need some Tylenol," I lie.
"I can get it, babe," he says. I almost cringe when he calls me babe. Stop it.
"I've got it," I reply. I'm already upright. I grab his t-shirt because it's what's closest and easiest, and I yank it over my head and walk out of the room.
I could go to my bathroom, which has a clean drinking glass and an ample supply of over-the-counter medications, but instead I walk down the stairs. I need a few minutes. I rattle the bottle of Tylenol that lives in the cabinet above the sink a little, then fill a glass with cool water from the sink and take a long drink. I'm so stuck in my spiral of negative thoughts that I don't even hear Alex come down the stairs and into the kitchen. He puts his arms around me from behind and kisses just behind my ear. "Together we have a full outfit," he jokes, and I crane my neck to see he's wearing just a pair of athletic shorts.
"Yeah," I agree blandly.
He sighs softly. "Lauren, why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Because noth--" I start, but he cuts me off.
"No," he says firmly. He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him. I can't even meet his eyes. When did lying get so hard? It used to be easy...but I guess I've never really lied to Alex. "I've known you for 9 years, don't insult me again by repeating that nothing is wrong. You've been weird for two weeks. Talk to me."
I bite my lip and am horrified when I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. "I don't know," I say finally. "I..." I look up at him, and he looks so worried, and in this moment I'm pissed at him for looking at me like that. He should be mad, not worried. I don't want him to worry about me when all I feel is...ugh. "I just don't know, okay? I feel weird and crabby and I'm always irritated but I don't know why."
It's another lie, of course. I know exactly why, I just don't know how to tell him. How do you tell your boyfriend (that you love, really), who's probably been in love with you for the better part of 9 years while you gallivanted around sleeping with half the damn city, that you're bored? That you miss the chase? Miss the excitement of sleeping with someone different every week?
I love Alex. I do. I feel more strongly about him than I've ever felt about anyone in my life, including myself--which is saying something. But it's easy. It's not shiny and new anymore and it's not fun. And most times we have sex, I can tell you what he's going to do 5 seconds before he does it. Kiss me for a little while, kiss my neck, grope my chest, run his fingertips up and down my thighs a couple times...you get the picture. I need more than that. Alex does damn near whatever I want him to do--half the times before I even know I want it. I tried picking a fight with him the other day, to see if I could get the rush I needed out of that, but he wouldn't take the bait. Then I immediately felt like a shitty person, and have just been trying to keep it all to myself since then.
It's been hard to do, because all the sweet things he does are now just irritating the shit out of me. Like he when called me babe? I used to love it--though I'll never admit that out loud. Now? Nails on a chalkboard. I don't know what to do, but I do know I need to get it together. I don't want to not be with Alex. I just need things to be less boring.
He's still looking at me all concerned, and I look away again. "Can I help?"
I shake my head, and now my lower lip is trembling. I didn't even think that was a real thing that happened. "No, I just need to get some sleep." I'm worried that he'll try to hug me, and I might lose it. Instead, he just gently tilts my chin up and kisses me softly, first on the forehead, then the nose, and finally on the lips.
"Okay," he says finally.
He steps to the side so I can walk past him, and I do. He trails me up the stairs. I go straight for the bathroom and brush my teeth, then curl into a ball under the blankets on my side of the bed. He comes in a couple minutes later, turns off the light, and gets into bed. Once he's settled, he says, "Goodnight, Lauren. I love you." He doesn't try to kiss me or cuddle with me, and I'm relieved, but also a little sad. Apparently I don't know what the fuck I want.
"Goodnight," I say softly. "I love you too."
I don't sleep. Not even a little bit. I try not to toss and turn, because I don't want to keep Alex up, but the more I try to lay still, the worse the urges to move get. Finally, I get up and grab my pillow and creep out of the room. I make my way carefully downstairs, yawning the whole way. I pull my fleece throw blanket off the chair and curl up on the couch. At least here I'm free to toss and turn all I want. I'm also free of the guilt that's hanging over my head in the bed I was sharing with Alex.
I must finally fall asleep, because the next thing I know, Alex is gently shaking me. "Laur, you're going to be late," he says. I sit straight up. He's looking at me with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face. I'm just tired, groggy, and disoriented.
"What?" I ask.
"You've got to get up," he says. "It's almost 8."
"Oh, shit!" I yelp. I get up quickly, and when I'm on the stairs, I turn. "Thanks. I couldn't sleep." I shrug.
He nods. "Sure. Have a good day."
"Yeah, thanks. You too." We both look at each other for several seconds, then I turn and continue up the stairs. I don't have much time to get ready for work.
I manage to get to work only 3 minutes late. I hustle inside and get set up at my desk, and I'm only there for about 2 minutes before someone knocks on the wall of my cube. I look up and see my supervisor and an incredibly attractive guy that I don't recognize.
"Good morning, Lauren," my supervisor says. "This is Logan. He's new. I'm in meetings all day, and I was hoping you could show him the ropes, do a little training."
"Absolutely," I said, eyeing the new guy again. Logan. That's a nice name. "I'd be happy to!" My boss leaves Logan with me and hurries away.
Logan is tall and lean, with dark hair and bright, playful blue eyes. "Hi," I say to him, smiling. "I'm Lauren. Did you get a tour?"
"No, not yet. He seemed pretty eager to dump me off," he replies, returning my smile. "I'd love if you showed me around though." Keep it in your pants, Lauren. You have a boyfriend. But if I didn't...
If I didn't, I'd be all over this guy. But I do. So a tour, some training, and nothing more. I show him around the office, introducing him to people as I go. "So what do people usually do for lunch around here?" he asks, as we make our way back to my cube.
I shrug. "Some people go out, some people bring theirs. We've never had problems with people stealing food out of the break room fridge, amazingly enough."
He nods. "What do you usually do for lunch?"
"Ummm..." I'm a little flustered, and I hate myself for it. "It depends on the day. I didn't bring anything today, so I need to go out and get something."
"Good," he says, with an easy smile. "I need to go out as well, and I'm new to Denver, so I don't know any of the good spots. Maybe you could help me with that as well?"
"Sure," I reply. No harm in going out to lunch with a coworker, right? Of course not.
I sit down at my computer and motion to Logan to grab a chair. He pulls it up next to me and I'm conscious of our arms almost touching in my too-small-for-two cube. I start to show him our computer program, and mentally count down the minutes until the end of the day.
By the end of the day I am completely frazzled. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I had plenty of inappropriate thoughts and feelings. I feel a serious need to see Alex, to remind myself of why I should not flirt with my hot new coworker. I'm not entirely sure if it will help or hurt, but I call him nonetheless.
"Hi," he says. I try to read the greeting, but it was too short. It wasn't exactly cool, but it wasn't warm and cheerful either.
"Hey you," I reply. "I want to see you tonight."
"Yeah?" he asks. We hadn't been planning on seeing each other tonight. I wanted to get some cleaning and laundry done.
"Yeah," I confirm. "Please?"
He chuckles. "Well, since you asked nicely, I think we can manage something. I'm home already. Do you want to pick up some dinner and come over here?"
"Sure," I agree.
I stop at home quick to grab stuff for tomorrow, then pick up some sandwiches, and park in his driveway. I knock and open the door. He's sitting on his couch in a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and no shirt and I breathe a sigh of relief because I want him.
"Hi," he says, looking up at me. "What'd you bring for--"
I cut him off by climbing into his lap and kissing him. For a second, in his surprise, he doesn't kiss me back. Then he comes to his senses and moves his lips against mine as his hands slide up my legs to my hips. His fingers dig in and he pulls me closer to him. When one of his hands starts to move my stomach towards my breasts, I grab it and put it back on my hip. He keeps it there, following my unspoken direction.
I peel my shirt off and unhook my bra. Then I plant my hands on his shoulders and raise my hips until my breasts are at his eye level. He leans forward and nips at my breast before sucking, then tugging gently on my nipple with his teeth. I groan and then grab one of his wandering hands and place it firmly back on my hip. He looks up at me briefly before turning his attention to my other breast.
I stand and shimmy out of my pants and underwear as he eagerly pushes his sweatpants down and kicks them off. Then I climb back into his lap and surprise him by guiding him inside me. I think he's expecting more foreplay, but I just want sex. His hands automatically go back to my hips, but then they slide up my back. I let them--I don't care where they are anymore. I just didn't want to let him guide us back into the same stale pattern we always fell into. When I don't fight his hands' travel over my back, he keeps one there, his fingers gripping my shoulder blade, and moves the other between us, pressing his thumb against me. I gasp and move my hips faster, and in record time my knees are squeezing his hips, my hips are jerking against his, and I'm out of breath.
He gives me several seconds to recover, running his fingers lightly up and down my spine, which makes me shiver. Then he lifts me off his lap and onto the couch next to him. I hear him shifting behind me and then he pushes into me from behind and I let my head drop forward, muffling my moan with the convenient throw pillow. When he reaches around my hip and starts rubbing my clit, I'm a goner. He finishes shortly after my second orgasm, and I stay where I am, my thoughts pleasantly dulled.
When Alex slides between me and the back of the couch, I let him. I stay put as he wraps his arm around my waist and settles his face against my neck. We're both silent for several minutes, laying there in our post-orgasmic stupor. Then he says, "That was unexpected. Amazing, but unexpected."
"Yeah," I agree. "It was. I was thinking about you all day, and I just couldn't wait, I guess." Barely even a white lie. I was thinking about him all day...while I was reminding myself that I had a boyfriend. But, for whatever reason, I feel pretty fucking normal right now. Maybe having a hot new coworker is going to be a good thing for my relationship.
"Nothing, my head hurts," I mumble into the pillow, as if hiding my face will help me lie to him.
"You're supposed to say that to get out of sex, not right after sex," he jokes, and then I feel his hand on my back. He strokes slowly, from the base of my spine up to my neck, then his fingers pause there, massaging gently. "Do you need some tylenol or something?"
"No," I say quickly. "Just some sleep, I think." I sigh despite myself, enjoying his touch as he continues to massage my neck. But as soon as I start to relax under his hand, I get angry at myself. I'm not supposed to like this when I'm feeling so...ugh.
I sit up, abruptly ending my neck rub. "Maybe I do need some Tylenol," I lie.
"I can get it, babe," he says. I almost cringe when he calls me babe. Stop it.
"I've got it," I reply. I'm already upright. I grab his t-shirt because it's what's closest and easiest, and I yank it over my head and walk out of the room.
I could go to my bathroom, which has a clean drinking glass and an ample supply of over-the-counter medications, but instead I walk down the stairs. I need a few minutes. I rattle the bottle of Tylenol that lives in the cabinet above the sink a little, then fill a glass with cool water from the sink and take a long drink. I'm so stuck in my spiral of negative thoughts that I don't even hear Alex come down the stairs and into the kitchen. He puts his arms around me from behind and kisses just behind my ear. "Together we have a full outfit," he jokes, and I crane my neck to see he's wearing just a pair of athletic shorts.
"Yeah," I agree blandly.
He sighs softly. "Lauren, why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Because noth--" I start, but he cuts me off.
"No," he says firmly. He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him. I can't even meet his eyes. When did lying get so hard? It used to be easy...but I guess I've never really lied to Alex. "I've known you for 9 years, don't insult me again by repeating that nothing is wrong. You've been weird for two weeks. Talk to me."
I bite my lip and am horrified when I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. "I don't know," I say finally. "I..." I look up at him, and he looks so worried, and in this moment I'm pissed at him for looking at me like that. He should be mad, not worried. I don't want him to worry about me when all I feel is...ugh. "I just don't know, okay? I feel weird and crabby and I'm always irritated but I don't know why."
It's another lie, of course. I know exactly why, I just don't know how to tell him. How do you tell your boyfriend (that you love, really), who's probably been in love with you for the better part of 9 years while you gallivanted around sleeping with half the damn city, that you're bored? That you miss the chase? Miss the excitement of sleeping with someone different every week?
I love Alex. I do. I feel more strongly about him than I've ever felt about anyone in my life, including myself--which is saying something. But it's easy. It's not shiny and new anymore and it's not fun. And most times we have sex, I can tell you what he's going to do 5 seconds before he does it. Kiss me for a little while, kiss my neck, grope my chest, run his fingertips up and down my thighs a couple times...you get the picture. I need more than that. Alex does damn near whatever I want him to do--half the times before I even know I want it. I tried picking a fight with him the other day, to see if I could get the rush I needed out of that, but he wouldn't take the bait. Then I immediately felt like a shitty person, and have just been trying to keep it all to myself since then.
It's been hard to do, because all the sweet things he does are now just irritating the shit out of me. Like he when called me babe? I used to love it--though I'll never admit that out loud. Now? Nails on a chalkboard. I don't know what to do, but I do know I need to get it together. I don't want to not be with Alex. I just need things to be less boring.
He's still looking at me all concerned, and I look away again. "Can I help?"
I shake my head, and now my lower lip is trembling. I didn't even think that was a real thing that happened. "No, I just need to get some sleep." I'm worried that he'll try to hug me, and I might lose it. Instead, he just gently tilts my chin up and kisses me softly, first on the forehead, then the nose, and finally on the lips.
"Okay," he says finally.
He steps to the side so I can walk past him, and I do. He trails me up the stairs. I go straight for the bathroom and brush my teeth, then curl into a ball under the blankets on my side of the bed. He comes in a couple minutes later, turns off the light, and gets into bed. Once he's settled, he says, "Goodnight, Lauren. I love you." He doesn't try to kiss me or cuddle with me, and I'm relieved, but also a little sad. Apparently I don't know what the fuck I want.
"Goodnight," I say softly. "I love you too."
I don't sleep. Not even a little bit. I try not to toss and turn, because I don't want to keep Alex up, but the more I try to lay still, the worse the urges to move get. Finally, I get up and grab my pillow and creep out of the room. I make my way carefully downstairs, yawning the whole way. I pull my fleece throw blanket off the chair and curl up on the couch. At least here I'm free to toss and turn all I want. I'm also free of the guilt that's hanging over my head in the bed I was sharing with Alex.
I must finally fall asleep, because the next thing I know, Alex is gently shaking me. "Laur, you're going to be late," he says. I sit straight up. He's looking at me with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face. I'm just tired, groggy, and disoriented.
"What?" I ask.
"You've got to get up," he says. "It's almost 8."
"Oh, shit!" I yelp. I get up quickly, and when I'm on the stairs, I turn. "Thanks. I couldn't sleep." I shrug.
He nods. "Sure. Have a good day."
"Yeah, thanks. You too." We both look at each other for several seconds, then I turn and continue up the stairs. I don't have much time to get ready for work.
I manage to get to work only 3 minutes late. I hustle inside and get set up at my desk, and I'm only there for about 2 minutes before someone knocks on the wall of my cube. I look up and see my supervisor and an incredibly attractive guy that I don't recognize.
"Good morning, Lauren," my supervisor says. "This is Logan. He's new. I'm in meetings all day, and I was hoping you could show him the ropes, do a little training."
"Absolutely," I said, eyeing the new guy again. Logan. That's a nice name. "I'd be happy to!" My boss leaves Logan with me and hurries away.
Logan is tall and lean, with dark hair and bright, playful blue eyes. "Hi," I say to him, smiling. "I'm Lauren. Did you get a tour?"
"No, not yet. He seemed pretty eager to dump me off," he replies, returning my smile. "I'd love if you showed me around though." Keep it in your pants, Lauren. You have a boyfriend. But if I didn't...
If I didn't, I'd be all over this guy. But I do. So a tour, some training, and nothing more. I show him around the office, introducing him to people as I go. "So what do people usually do for lunch around here?" he asks, as we make our way back to my cube.
I shrug. "Some people go out, some people bring theirs. We've never had problems with people stealing food out of the break room fridge, amazingly enough."
He nods. "What do you usually do for lunch?"
"Ummm..." I'm a little flustered, and I hate myself for it. "It depends on the day. I didn't bring anything today, so I need to go out and get something."
"Good," he says, with an easy smile. "I need to go out as well, and I'm new to Denver, so I don't know any of the good spots. Maybe you could help me with that as well?"
"Sure," I reply. No harm in going out to lunch with a coworker, right? Of course not.
I sit down at my computer and motion to Logan to grab a chair. He pulls it up next to me and I'm conscious of our arms almost touching in my too-small-for-two cube. I start to show him our computer program, and mentally count down the minutes until the end of the day.
By the end of the day I am completely frazzled. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I had plenty of inappropriate thoughts and feelings. I feel a serious need to see Alex, to remind myself of why I should not flirt with my hot new coworker. I'm not entirely sure if it will help or hurt, but I call him nonetheless.
"Hi," he says. I try to read the greeting, but it was too short. It wasn't exactly cool, but it wasn't warm and cheerful either.
"Hey you," I reply. "I want to see you tonight."
"Yeah?" he asks. We hadn't been planning on seeing each other tonight. I wanted to get some cleaning and laundry done.
"Yeah," I confirm. "Please?"
He chuckles. "Well, since you asked nicely, I think we can manage something. I'm home already. Do you want to pick up some dinner and come over here?"
"Sure," I agree.
I stop at home quick to grab stuff for tomorrow, then pick up some sandwiches, and park in his driveway. I knock and open the door. He's sitting on his couch in a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and no shirt and I breathe a sigh of relief because I want him.
"Hi," he says, looking up at me. "What'd you bring for--"
I cut him off by climbing into his lap and kissing him. For a second, in his surprise, he doesn't kiss me back. Then he comes to his senses and moves his lips against mine as his hands slide up my legs to my hips. His fingers dig in and he pulls me closer to him. When one of his hands starts to move my stomach towards my breasts, I grab it and put it back on my hip. He keeps it there, following my unspoken direction.
I peel my shirt off and unhook my bra. Then I plant my hands on his shoulders and raise my hips until my breasts are at his eye level. He leans forward and nips at my breast before sucking, then tugging gently on my nipple with his teeth. I groan and then grab one of his wandering hands and place it firmly back on my hip. He looks up at me briefly before turning his attention to my other breast.
I stand and shimmy out of my pants and underwear as he eagerly pushes his sweatpants down and kicks them off. Then I climb back into his lap and surprise him by guiding him inside me. I think he's expecting more foreplay, but I just want sex. His hands automatically go back to my hips, but then they slide up my back. I let them--I don't care where they are anymore. I just didn't want to let him guide us back into the same stale pattern we always fell into. When I don't fight his hands' travel over my back, he keeps one there, his fingers gripping my shoulder blade, and moves the other between us, pressing his thumb against me. I gasp and move my hips faster, and in record time my knees are squeezing his hips, my hips are jerking against his, and I'm out of breath.
He gives me several seconds to recover, running his fingers lightly up and down my spine, which makes me shiver. Then he lifts me off his lap and onto the couch next to him. I hear him shifting behind me and then he pushes into me from behind and I let my head drop forward, muffling my moan with the convenient throw pillow. When he reaches around my hip and starts rubbing my clit, I'm a goner. He finishes shortly after my second orgasm, and I stay where I am, my thoughts pleasantly dulled.
When Alex slides between me and the back of the couch, I let him. I stay put as he wraps his arm around my waist and settles his face against my neck. We're both silent for several minutes, laying there in our post-orgasmic stupor. Then he says, "That was unexpected. Amazing, but unexpected."
"Yeah," I agree. "It was. I was thinking about you all day, and I just couldn't wait, I guess." Barely even a white lie. I was thinking about him all day...while I was reminding myself that I had a boyfriend. But, for whatever reason, I feel pretty fucking normal right now. Maybe having a hot new coworker is going to be a good thing for my relationship.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
State of the Blog
With Brody and Liv's wedding date drawing nearer, I'd like to address the future of the blog. I had this post written, and then a couple of my favorite blogs announced an end in the near future, and I decided to hold on to the post a few more days.
Brody and Liv's story will be ending soon. There are several reasons for this. One is that--as my fellow bloggers can attest to--writing an ongoing story with no set end is HARD. It is so hard to come up with ways to keep the story interesting without going off the deep end with completely ridiculous drama that people don't actually want to read. Keeping a story going indefinitely is a logistical (and creative!) nightmare. Another is that as I move back into my school year (the last, if all goes according to plan!) I anticipate that this year will be hell on wheels for me. I will not be able to consistently give you, my amazing, supportive readers, the great posts you deserve. I'd rather wrap Brody and Liv's story up at a natural ending point, and not when I'm rushed and half-assing it.
Now, with that said, I don't plan to go away. Writing this blog has been therapeutic for me in ways that I couldn't have even imagined prior to starting it. This blog got me through some of the roughest shit I've gone through in my adult life. That sounds silly to say, but it's true. It was something that, while I was otherwise flailing about like a crazy person with no idea what she's doing, I was always good at. I was always getting positive feedback. I always felt good about what I produced. I don't want to lose that.
So, what is my plan then? Good question. Everyone loves Kinsley and Lauren, so I'd like to stick around this blog and write some more Kinsley and Lauren after I wrap up Liv and Brody. I anticipate that those posts won't be as consistent or plentiful as my posting generally has been--but I have no idea how my life is going to go come September, and maybe I'll be wrong. So I don't have the logistics of doing this mapped out, but I do want to do more with them. Don't tell Liv, but Kinsley is my favorite character in this blog, and I'd really love to develop her story more. And Lauren is...well, Lauren is me (with some creative liberties, of course ;) ) so I feel like she deserves some more story time.
I'm also working on a few other things. One thing I hope might become another blog, depending on how it goes. And the other...well, I hope that someday the other might become a book.
So that is the state of the blog. I hate to even announce it with the news of some of the other blogs wrapping up, but I have a feeling there will be some readers that will be thrilled with the shift from Liv to Kinsley and Lauren!
The plan for the rest of the week is: Lauren's post will go up Wednesday evening. I hope to still get a Liv post written to schedule for Friday, but I make no promises at this point. I will for sure be back with a Liv post on Sunday though.
As always, thank you for being the loyalest of readers. You guys are all awesome.
Brody and Liv's story will be ending soon. There are several reasons for this. One is that--as my fellow bloggers can attest to--writing an ongoing story with no set end is HARD. It is so hard to come up with ways to keep the story interesting without going off the deep end with completely ridiculous drama that people don't actually want to read. Keeping a story going indefinitely is a logistical (and creative!) nightmare. Another is that as I move back into my school year (the last, if all goes according to plan!) I anticipate that this year will be hell on wheels for me. I will not be able to consistently give you, my amazing, supportive readers, the great posts you deserve. I'd rather wrap Brody and Liv's story up at a natural ending point, and not when I'm rushed and half-assing it.
Now, with that said, I don't plan to go away. Writing this blog has been therapeutic for me in ways that I couldn't have even imagined prior to starting it. This blog got me through some of the roughest shit I've gone through in my adult life. That sounds silly to say, but it's true. It was something that, while I was otherwise flailing about like a crazy person with no idea what she's doing, I was always good at. I was always getting positive feedback. I always felt good about what I produced. I don't want to lose that.
So, what is my plan then? Good question. Everyone loves Kinsley and Lauren, so I'd like to stick around this blog and write some more Kinsley and Lauren after I wrap up Liv and Brody. I anticipate that those posts won't be as consistent or plentiful as my posting generally has been--but I have no idea how my life is going to go come September, and maybe I'll be wrong. So I don't have the logistics of doing this mapped out, but I do want to do more with them. Don't tell Liv, but Kinsley is my favorite character in this blog, and I'd really love to develop her story more. And Lauren is...well, Lauren is me (with some creative liberties, of course ;) ) so I feel like she deserves some more story time.
I'm also working on a few other things. One thing I hope might become another blog, depending on how it goes. And the other...well, I hope that someday the other might become a book.
So that is the state of the blog. I hate to even announce it with the news of some of the other blogs wrapping up, but I have a feeling there will be some readers that will be thrilled with the shift from Liv to Kinsley and Lauren!
The plan for the rest of the week is: Lauren's post will go up Wednesday evening. I hope to still get a Liv post written to schedule for Friday, but I make no promises at this point. I will for sure be back with a Liv post on Sunday though.
As always, thank you for being the loyalest of readers. You guys are all awesome.
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