4th of July

The next morning found my family (plus Brody) falling easily into the 4th of July routine that we'd had for so many years.  My mom, an early riser, got up early and went to the local parade route to find us a spot.  I slept in, because I was useless and crabby in the morning and everyone had a better day if I slept a little longer.  When I got up, Brody was already up and helping my dad get some snacks and drinks into a cooler.

I busied myself getting chairs together for us and loading them into my dad's car.  Brody came out in time to help me shove the last one in.  "So this parade is a big deal, huh?" he asked.

"It's a huge deal," I replied with a laugh.  "It's probably the biggest event of the year here."  Brody smirked, and started to say something, but I silenced him by kissing him.  "You should just keep that thought to yourself," I advised him.  "Don't want to piss off the locals."

"Definitely don't want to do that," he agreed, chuckling.  "Here, watch out."  He nudged my fingers away from the trunk of the car and shut it firmly.

We followed my mom's texted directions and found her along the parade route easily.  We set down the cooler and chairs and I pulled a bottle of hard cider out of the cooler.  "4th of July parades...the best excuse for day drinking that exists!" I said in response to Brody's raised eyebrow.

"So what time does this parade start?" Brody asked.

I pulled out my phone and checked the time.  "About 45 minutes," I replied.

Brody gave me a weird look.  "You guys really are serious about your parades."  I laughed.

"That's why we drink," I responded, reaching in the cooler and handing him a beer.  About halfway through the parade, we got up to wander down the street to find a local business that would let us use the bathroom.  After we found one, we headed back but only made it half a block before I heard someone call my name.  I paused and looked around.  It took a moment, but John made his way through the people and appeared in front of us.

"Hi," he said.  He looked at Brody and nodded.  Brody nodded back.  Such men.

"Hi, John," I replied.  We stood there awkwardly for a second before he went for a delayed, awkward hug.  I hugged him back and then asked, "How are you?"

"Good," he replied smoothly, quickly recovering his charm.  "You look good."  He looked from me to Brody, then back to me, and said, "I heard you guys are getting married soon.  Really soon."

"Good news travels fast," I said with a nervous laugh.  "Yeah, October 3rd."

He nodded.  "Cool.  Well, it was good to see you."  He looked at Brody and added, "You too."

"Yeah," Brody replied.  "Good to see you."

John lifted a hand in a half-hearted wave and then walked away.  "Well," I said, once we were on our way back to where my parents were sitting, "that was weird."

"Yeah, it was," Brody agreed.

We made it back to our spots and relaxed for the rest of the parade.  We went straight from the parade to the spot we'd arranged to meet Ken for lunch, taking my mom's car again.  I grew nervous as we parked and walked towards the restaurant.  Brody could tell, and he slipped an arm around my shoulders and said, "Don't worry.  If he's anything but perfectly well-behaved, we'll leave.  If you're uncomfortable, we'll leave.  I think it will be okay, though."

I nodded and smiled, trying to relax a little.  We were a little early, and Brody's phone rang as we waited outside.  He pulled out it, reaching to silence it, but then frowned.  "It's my mom," he said.  He held up a finger and I nodded.  "Hi, Mom."  He chatted for a few minutes, but I wasn't able to figure out what they were talking about.  When he hung up, he smiled.  "She just wanted to say she was sorry she couldn't come to our party, but that she's looking forward to meeting your parents at some point."

"Did she say why she couldn't come?" I asked curiously.

Brody shook his head.  "No, she didn't, but I'm guessing she just didn't want to travel.  She did so much of it when she married to my dad, she tries to avoid it if she can now."

"That makes sense."

Then he grinned.  "I also think that she's been spending a lot of time with the mysterious man she's been seeing.  I hope so.  I want her to be happy."

Before I could respond, someone spoke behind me.  "I have to admit, I was a little worried you guys wouldn't show up."  I jumped and spun around, startled because I hadn't heard Ken approaching from behind us.

"Sorry," he said, grinning sheepishly.  "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," I replied.  "I'm jumpy sometimes."  I regarded him carefully.  I could see the similarity to Brody in his features, but Ken looked much more like their father than Brody did.

Brody put a hand lightly on my lower back.  "Should we go in?" he asked.  Ken nodded.  Brody motioned to me to go first, and they followed me in.  We were seated quickly.

Once we'd placed our orders, Ken looked at Brody, then me.  "So, I should start with an apology.  I owe one to both of you, but especially you, Olivia."  He looked at me, and I nodded.  He sure did.  "The way I acted at Thanksgiving was completely inappropriate and out of line.  I'm sorry.  And I don't expect you to accept that apology, nor do I really even want you to.  You don't know me, and my apology should mean nothing to you.  But I intend to show you."  I nodded again, not sure what to say.

He turned to Brody, and the two of them regarded each other for several seconds before Ken spoke again.  "I feel like you and I have a lot of things to talk about, and this probably isn't the time or place.  But I'd like to be back in your life."  Brody nodded.  We both were apparently perfectly content to let Ken do most of the talking today.  "Actually, I want to be back in everyone's lives.  I'm moving to Denver.  Well, to Boulder, actually.  My job offered me an opportunity to transfer, and I'm taking it."

"Wow," Brody said.  He sounded uncertain, but he was smiling.  "That's...that's really great, Ken.  It'll be nice having you around.  At least, as long as you keep your shit together and you're nice to my future wife."

Ken laughed.  "I plan to do both," he assured Brody.  "But I don't expect you to take my word for it."

The rest of lunch was uneventful.  I invited Ken back to my parents' house for their cookout, but his flight left in a few hours so he was heading back to his hotel and getting ready to go.  We thanked him for flying in for our party and then he was on his way.

"That was kind of weird," I said, after we were back in my mom's car and on our way back to my parents' house.

"It was definitely unexpected," Brody agreed.  "It seems like he wants things to be different."  Brody didn't sound convinced and I didn't blame him.  This would definitely be an interesting situation to watch play out.  I had to admit that I was relieved Brody wasn't jumping right back on board with Ken.  I was willing to give him a chance, but I was still wary.

We got to my parents' house in time to help them do the last minute setting up, and then sit down and relax for a little bit.  I curled up next to Brody on my parents' outdoor glider/rocker bench and took a sip of my mom's "famous" (at least amongst 4th of July cookout attendees!) sangria.  I handed the glass to Brody to try, and he took a sip and wrinkled his nose, which made me laugh.  "Too sweet," he said, shaking his head and handing the glass back.

"More for me!" I said cheerfully.  "This hasn't exactly been the most relaxing weekend, has it?"

"No," he agreed.  "But I think it's been good.  It's certainly been interesting!"  We stayed parked there until guests started arriving.  I got up to help my parents with food but they shooed me back to the party, saying I should spend time with my friends and family since I didn't get home very often.  Jen, Jack, and Alyssa all came, as well as Lauren and Alex, and I watched them mingle with my friends and family happily.  Jen and Amy especially seemed to really hit it off.

Lynn made her way slowly over to where Brody and I were standing with Jen, Jack, Alyssa, Amy, Lauren, and Alex, and said, "I feel like I've spent so much time with you but haven't really gotten to talk to you."

"I know," I agreed, frowning.

Her face lit up and I cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to tell me what she was so excited about.  "I talked to my doctor after we talked about your wedding date, and she said we'd make some goals around getting me out there."

I grinned and hugged her.  "That's so awesome!" I replied excitedly.  "You should probably tell her you're going to need to be able to walk down the aisle, because I'm expecting you to be a bridesmaid."

"I'd be really terribly offended if I wasn't," she retorted.  "Plan on me walking down and standing for the ceremony."

"I'll plan on a short ceremony," I teased her.

She glared at me in mock anger, and then laughed.  "That's probably a good plan."

"What are you guys talking about?" Lauren asked, walking over.

"About the wedding you're going to be in in October," I replied.

"Oh," she replied.  "Wait, that I'm going to be in?  Did you just ask me to be a bridesmaid?"

I laughed.  "Yes, that's what I was going for."

"Well I'm glad you haven't completely lost your mind," she said.  "Who else?"

"I think just you two," I answered. "It's such a small wedding, you guys are the only people that I really want."

"Well, I'm just glad you didn't do something dumb to ask us, like make us cakes that say 'Will you be my bridesmaid?'"

"Not all of those things are dumb!" Lynn protested.  "I've seen some cute stuff.  But I'm also glad, because I don't want to eat any cakes that Liv baked."

"Hey!" I exclaimed.

Lauren and Lynn both laughed.  "No, she's right," Lauren agreed.  "You're a great cook, and you do cookies well, but you should stay away from other baked goods.  Baking is not your strength."  I pouted briefly until I realized that they were absolutely right.

My parents' house has the advantage of being within viewing distance of a couple different fireworks displays.  It was always so nice to not have to go anywhere at the end of the night.  It was a big part of the reason my parents did this every year.  Of course, it wasn't quite the same as being directly under them, but it was worth avoiding the crowds and the parking disasters that went along with going to the fireworks spots.

We ended the evening all piled onto two blankets on the lawn, looking around at the various fireworks being shot off.  When we planned this trip, I hadn't planned on being engaged or in the process of planning a wedding that was happening in three months (minus a day now, yikes), but I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate our engagement than with family and friends on one of my favorite holidays.

Surprise!

Thank you guys again for your patience and kind comments this past week.  Also, a reader just pointed out to me that today is my one year blogiversary!  I'm surprised, it snuck up on me.  In honor of that, I will do my damnedest to get you guys some bonus posts this week to thank you for your loyal readership and making a year of Olivia's story possible!  I'd love to post every day this week but it's not practical.  I will post as much as I can, though!  Most of the posts will probably come more towards the end of the week/next weekend.  Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and helping me keep this story going!
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After we paid for the dress and made arrangements to have it shipped out to me in Denver, because that seemed easiest, I hugged Amy and Lynn, promising to see them tomorrow, and my mom and I headed home.  Brody and my dad were still gone when we got there.

I was exhausted after the long day of trying on dress after dress.  I took a quick shower, because I was sweaty and gross after all the hot, heavy dresses, then laid down to take a quick nap.  Who knows how long after, I woke up to someone pushing the hair out of my face and rubbing my arm.  I rolled over and blinked sleepily, completely disoriented.  Hell of a nap.

"Good morning, beautiful."  Brody's voice.  I sighed and rolled back onto my side; I wanted to go back to sleep.  "Or, evening, rather."  He squeezed my arm and leaned down, kissing my forehead.  "Come on, your parents sent me in to wake you up.  They want to take us out to dinner."

I yawned and stretched, then curled into a ball.  "Not hungry," I replied.  Brody laughed and climbed carefully over my body, settling himself in bed with me.  It was relatively dark in the room, and when I squinted at the clock, I realized I had been sleeping for almost 3 hours.  No wonder I was having such a hard time waking up.  Brody wrapped an arm around me and I snuggled back against him, letting my eyelids droop shut again.

He stroked my arm gently, his fingertips running from my elbow to wrist, then wrist to elbow, over and over.  "I heard you found a dress," he said softly.  I nodded.  "I had a feeling you might.  Do you love it as much as your mom does?"

"I do," I answered.  "I can't wait for you to see it."

"Luckily for both of us, we won't have to wait too long."

I nodded again, slowly waking up.  "How was kayaking?"

"It was fun," he replied.  "I'm glad we went."

I smiled to myself.  "I am too.  Thanks for hanging out with my dad."

Brody threaded his fingers through mine and said, "He's a pretty cool guy."  I smiled again.

We laid there for awhile longer until I was finally awake enough to get up.  My hair was a disaster from my nap and I fought with it for about 10 minutes before I just threw it up in a high, messy bun.  I changed into a light summer sundress and decided to have some fun with my makeup.  I smoothed my favorite BB cream over my skin, used just a hint of a coral cheek stain, and set it with a light dusting of a perfecting finishing powder.  Then I pulled out my eye makeup.  I did a subtle smoky eye with a variety of matte gray shadows, then lined my top lash line with a navy blue liquid liner, and the bottom with a sparkly teal shadow.  Two coats of mascara finished it off.

"You look beautiful," Brody said when I walked back into my room from the bathroom.  He was rolling up the sleeves on his casual button down and I walked over to help.  He let me take over, and I felt his eyes traveling my body.  "It's not fair for you to look so good when there's nothing I can do about it."

I smirked up at him.  "Just imagine how much fun we'll have when we get home then," I replied, before I turned and walked out, knowing his eyes were following me right out the door.

When we got out to the living room, only my dad was there.  "Your mom went ahead to try to get a table," he explained.  I gave him a weird look.  That didn't make any sense.  We could have just called.  "Brody and I had a great time kayaking today," he continued, as the three of us walked out the door.  "I hear you had a successful day dress shopping, too."

"We did," I agreed.  I tried to sit in the backseat so Brody could be comfortable in the front, but he insisted on me sitting in the front.  We drove into Madison and parked near one of my favorite restaurants.

"Mom texted that she got a table," my dad said as we walked inside. "She said she's towards the back."  We wove our way through, looking around for her, but didn't see her anywhere.  "Maybe she's downstairs," he said.

"She's not downstairs," I replied, shaking my head.  "The only thing down there is their private party room."

"Well, I think we should check," he insisted.  I started to argue, but he started down the stairs anyway, leaving us now choice but to follow.

When we got downstairs, I continued to argue with him as he headed towards the door to the private party room.  "You can't just go in there!" I said.  "What if there's a party in there?"

"There is," he replied.  I looked at him in confusion, but when he swung the door open, my mouth dropped open.  There certainly was a party in there.  The room was full of my family and friends, plus Jack, his girlfriend, and Jen.

"Holy shit!" I exclaimed, looking around.  Next to me, Brody looked just as surprised.

Amy came skittering out of the crowd and hugged me, with Lynn following behind her.  "It's a surprise engagement party!" she said excitedly.

"I see that," I replied, still in awe.  I turned to Brody.  "Did you know about this?"  He shook his head, then squeezed my hand before walking over to Jack, Alyssa, and Jen.  Lauren and Alex appeared and my eyes widened.  "What are you doing here?" I squealed, throwing my arms around Lauren.  She hugged me back quickly and then disentangled herself.

"Get a grip," she said, shaking her head.  Then she laughed.  "When your mom called, we changed our plane tickets so we could be here to help surprise you."  She shrugged, like it had been the easiest thing ever.  We'd only been engaged for two weeks, I was completely overwhelmed by all the people that had made last minute plans--including buying plane tickets!--to be here for this.

"We helped your mom get a hold of Jack and Jen, because she didn't want it to only be your friends and family," Alex chimed in, hugging me.  "And Jen got a hold of Ken."

"Whoa, what?" I asked.  "Is he here?"  I looked around, but there were too many people in the room.

"Yeah, somewhere," Alex replied.  "I saw him earlier.  Jen introduced me to him."  I was both shocked that he had come, and nervous about how he'd act.

I didn't have much time to think about it.  My mom came up next to me and put her arm around my shoulders.  "Mom!" I exclaimed.  "This is amazing."  I hugged her.

She grinned at me.  "I'm glad you think so, because it was quite the scramble to make it happen."

"I'm sure.  I had no idea."  She kissed the top of my head, and I looked up at her.  "And thank you for making sure to get a few of Brody's people here too, that was really thoughtful."

"Thank Lauren for it.  She and her boyfriend tracked them all down.  He's a nice guy too."

"Alex?  Yeah, he is," I agreed.

I started to say more, but my cousin Celeste came screeching through the people and almost ran me over.  "Oliviaaaaa!" she shrieked.  "You didn't tell me!"

I hugged her back and then eased away.  "Sorry, Celeste.  We haven't been engaged very long and I haven't done a great job of telling people."

"Clearly," she retorted.  Then she grinned and hugged me again.  "I don't even care, I'm so excited!"  I laughed.

I made the rounds, saying hi to family members and friends.  We'd been there almost 45 minutes before I finally made my way over to Brody, Jen, Jack, and Alyssa.  I saw Ken had joined them, as well.  Jen threw her arms around me, and then I hugged Jack as well.  I had lost track of how many people I'd hugged at this point.  "I can't believe your parents did this," Brody said, slipping an arm around my waist and pulling me in close to him.

"I can't either," I said.

I caught Ken watching us, and I blushed and smiled shyly at him.  "Congratulations," he said sincerely.

"Thank you," I replied.  "And thank you for coming."

"Yeah, well I owed you guys one," he said.

I was about to reply when my stomach growled loudly.  Brody and Jen both laughed.  "Let's get something to eat," Brody said.  He pointed to a buffet table that was set up along the wall.  I hadn't even noticed it.  He kept his arm tightly around me as we walked over there.  "This is crazy," he said, as we grabbed plates.  "Your parents are amazing."

"I had no idea they were planning something," I replied, shaking my head.

"It was really great of them to invite my family and Jack."

I smiled at him as we filled our plates with food, and sat down at the table where Lynn had parked herself.  Within a few minutes, we were once again surrounded by family and friends.  We chatted with them, spreading the word about our October 3rd wedding date.  Luckily, everyone that was at the party was also on the tentative guest list we'd made.  Most people were surprised, and more than a couple glanced suspiciously at my glass of wine.  I wanted to hang a sign around my neck that said, "No, I'm not pregnant."  Even so, it sounded like most people wanted to try to attend.

Ken approached us as the crowd of people around us began to dwindle.  He sat down and said, "I know you guys probably have plans tomorrow for the 4th, but if you have some time, I'd love to take you both out to breakfast or lunch before I fly back, if there's somewhere that's open."

Brody looked at me.  "What's on the agenda for tomorrow?"  I read in the look he gave me that this was my out.  If I didn't want to, all I had to do was say we were booked all day.

I nodded.  "There will definitely be some places open.  We'll go to the parade in the morning, and my parents have their annual cookout that starts at about 2, but we should have time for lunch if that works for you."  Under the table, Brody squeezed my knee, a silent "thank you."

Ken agreed to lunch and we settled on a time and place.  Brody turned to say something to me after Ken had said goodbye and walked away, but we were interrupted by some of my family members coming to say goodbye.

We stayed and tried to help my parents clean up, but they shooed us away.  My mom gave us the keys to her car and told us to stay as long as we wanted.  We ended up heading up to the bar area of the main restaurant with Jen, Lauren, Alex, Amy, Jack, and his girlfriend Alyssa.  Lynn had headed home a little earlier.  We found a table to cram into in the bar and ordered drinks.

"I just can't believe you guys came," Brody said to Jack, Jen, and Alyssa.  I agreed and immediately extended the invitation to my parents' cookout to all of them.  Jen promptly informed me that my parents had already invited them all.  They really did think of everything.

We stayed until Brody started yawning.  Since he was driving, seemed like a good time to leave.  We thanked everyone again for coming and walked out to my mom's car.  Once we were settled in the car and on the way back to my parents' house, Brody said, "Thank you for agreeing to go to lunch with my brother.  You have no reason to like him, and I don't know what's going to happen with my relationship with him, but I'm really happy you're willing to give him a shot."

I shrugged, though Brody probably couldn't see.  "It says something to me that he was willing to come all the way here, especially on such short notice.  It's really cool that Jack and Jen came too."

"Yeah, it is," Brody agreed, glancing over at me and smiling.  We made the rest of the drive in comfortable silence.

We came in quietly, so as not to wake my parents.  We got ready for bed quickly and settled next to each other under the blankets.  "Are we going to have a wedding party?" I asked, realizing that this was one thing we hadn't talked about.

"I'd like to," Brody replied.  "It seems silly to have a big wedding party with such a small wedding, though."

"Well, who would you want?" I asked.

He answered instantly, without any hesitation.  "Jack and Alex."

"Lauren and Lynn," I replied.  "Looks like we're set.  Two and two."

Brody pressed a kiss to my shoulder and then tightened his arm around me.  "Looks like it," he agreed.

Wedding Barbie

We spent another hour with Leigh, talking through some of our options and some of the things we knew we wanted.  Since we only had about three months, and this place was not in town, we decided to take advantage of being here and work out a few of the details we were sure of.

When we finally walked out, almost three hours after we'd arrived, Brody slid his arm around my shoulders and asked, "Well, how are you feeling about all this?"

"I'm really excited," I replied sincerely.  "I was a little worried we'd get pressured into doing something bigger, and I'm happy that we booked something because it means we're going to do it the way we want to."

Brody chuckled as we reached his SUV.  He walked over to the passenger side with me and pulled open my door.  "I'm just relieved you don't want a huge wedding," he admitted.  "Don't get me wrong--if you wanted it, we'd do it, but that just doesn't sound like fun to me."

"Don't worry, it doesn't sound fun to me either," I assured him, climbing in and settling into the passenger seat.   Brody walked around and got in the driver's seat and we headed back.  We had asked his mom if she wanted to have dinner with us but we already had plans, so we headed straight back to Denver.

When we got back to town, we ran a few errands, including picking up some things for a light dinner.  We'd eaten so much early this afternoon that we didn't need a full meal, but I knew I'd be hungry eventually.  The rest of the evening was low key.  We went for a walk in our neighborhood to fight the hours we'd spent in the car, and ate our dinner on the couch with a couple glasses of wine.

The short week went quickly, and on Thursday morning I waited impatiently for Brody to finish packing so we could head to the airport.  "Brody, come on!" I called upstairs.

"I'm almost done!" he yelled back, his voice muffled.  He had the worst habit of insisting upon packing the morning we were traveling, instead of the day before like a normal person.  But, to be fair, he didn't get home from work until 10 last night.  I guess I wouldn't have wanted to pack either.  I took a deep breath and told myself to be patient.  We really should have left 10 minutes ago, but we'd make it.

My commitment to being patient lasted about 5 minutes.  "Seriously, Brody, we need to go!" I snapped, walking upstairs and into the bedroom.  He was always on time for everything else, why he couldn't get out of the house in time to catch a plane with more than 5 minutes to spare was beyond me.

"I know, Liv," he replied, emerging from his closet, a frown on his handsome face.  "I can't find my black shoes though."

"These black shoes?" I asked, impatiently kicking at one of the shoes that was half under his dresser.

"Yes, those black shoes," he answered.  Despite my grumpiness, he smiled and kissed me on the cheek when he came over to grab them.  "Thanks."

"You're welcome," I grumbled before I turned and walked back downstairs.  Once there, I took another deep breath.  I walked to the kitchen and made some coffee, filling two travel mugs.  Caffeine might help.

Luckily, Brody came down the stairs just seconds later, carrying his small carryon suitcase.  "Ready?" he asked me.  He laughed when I gave him a dirty look.  "Sorry," he apologized.  "Let's go."  He grabbed my suitcase and headed towards the door.  I trailed behind him, wrestling my crossbody purse strap over my head while carrying both mugs of coffee.

When we were both settled in the car, I handed him a mug of coffee.  "Thank you," he said cheerfully. "You must not be too mad at me."

I glared at him and took a sip of my coffee.  "Ask me after my coffee is gone," I advised him.

He chuckled, and ignoring my advice, said, "You're anxious about something."

I frowned.  "No I'm not."

"You are," he insisted.  "You always get crabby when you're anxious."

I snorted.  "I also always get crabby when it takes 20 minutes longer to leave than it should."

He sighed, finally getting frustrated with my attitude.  "I'm sorry, Liv.  I really was going to pack last night, but I was exhausted by the time I got home.  You were there, you know I went almost straight to bed.  It's not like I was up dicking around and not doing it just to piss you off today."

That was true, and I was being a brat.  He was also right about me being anxious.  "I'm sorry," I apologized sincerely.  "And you're right.  My mom has been so weird about this whole thing and I'm nervous about what she's going to say or do.  I'm worried she's more upset than she's letting on about us not wanting a big wedding.  And I think she truly does think I'm pregnant!"

Brody reached over the center console and found my hand, twisting his fingers through mine.  "Will it bother you if she's upset by it?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, kind of," I admitted.  "But mostly because I know she won't let me forget it."

I changed the subject, not wanting to worry about it too much now.  We chatted idly for the rest of the drive to the airport.  By the time we made it through security, they were boarding the final zone of our flight, but I bit back the "I told you so" and was thankful that we had made it on time.  We settled into our seats and I pulled out my Kindle.

The flight was quick and comfortable, and we navigated the tiny Madison airport quickly.  We picked up our rental car and I directed Brody to my parents' house.  He hardly needed my directions though, and I was impressed at his memory of the route.

It was midafternoon by the time we made it to my parents' house and they were both still at work. "When will your parents get home?" Brody asked me as I collapsed onto my bed.

I looked at the clock and shrugged.  "Probably not for at least an hour."

"Oh really?" he asked, climbing onto the bed next to me.  He scooted over and knelt above me, looking down at me.  "I feel like we should take advantage of that, since you're morally opposed to having sex while they're here."

"I don't understand how you're not opposed to it!" I replied indignantly, but I laughed as he leaned down, planted his hands on either side of my head, and kissed me.

"Don't tell me you've never had sex in this house," he challenged, moving his lips away from mine.  He trailed them across my jaw and onto my neck, sucking gently before making me gasp with a quick nip at my throat.

"I haven't," I answered truthfully.  "This is a wholesome, unsullied bed you're having the privilege of kissing me on."

"Not for long," he growled, gently biting my earlobe.  I exhaled and slid my hands under his shirt and around to his back, pressing my fingertips into the taut muscles there.  He leaned away slightly and looked at me, raising an eyebrow in question, silently asking if it was okay to continue.  In response, I moved my hands to his shoulders and tugged him back down so I could kiss him.

We had just gotten ourselves dressed and wandered out to the kitchen when I heard a key in the lock.  The door swung open and I heard my mom call "Olivia?" before she realized we were right there on the other side of the door.  "Hi, sweetheart!" she exclaimed.  Brody grabbed the grocery bags out of her hands and set them on the counter while my mom dropped her purse and hugged me tightly.  She turned to Brody next and hugged him.

"I'm so glad you guys made it here safely," she said, turning to the groceries and starting to put them away.  She shooed Brody away, turning down his offer of help, but immediately plopped a watermelon into my hands.  She motioned towards the other side of the counter and said, "Cut this up, would you?"  Brody took it from me and set it carefully on the counter while I got out a cutting board, knife, and large bowl.

"I can do it," Brody insisted, taking the knife from me.  He busied himself cutting up the watermelon while I helped my mom put away the rest of the groceries.  My dad arrived not long after and after he changed, he went outside the light his trusty old Weber charcoal grill.

"I keep trying to get him to upgrade, but he loves that stupid old thing," my mom said as we chopped veggies for a salad.  Once we finished that, she, Brody, and I took a bottle of wine and 4 glasses out to the patio and relaxed with my dad while the grill heated up.  "So, October 3rd," she said, as we sat there.

"October 3rd," I confirmed nervously.

"We should go dress shopping while you're here then," my mom said, matter-of-factly.

"I don't know, Mom," I replied hesitantly.  I had actually been planning on going dress shopping by myself, or maybe with Brody.  My mom never would have gone for that idea (nor would anyone else in the entire world, probably), but there were very few traditions I was interested in sticking to.

"Oh, humor me here, Olivia, you're my only daughter.  I don't care if we don't get one but I want to see you try on some dresses.  And who knows, maybe you'll find something."  Under her flippant words, I detected how important this was to her.

"I'm actually your only child, unless I have more siblings I don't know about," I pointed out.  My mom sighed, and I quickly said, "We can go, but I'm not trying on anything with tulle."  My mom smiled.  "And no veils!"

Her smile faltered a little, but then she nodded.  "Fair compromise.  Call Lynn, I bet she'd love to come.  Amy too?  Go on, dinner will probably be ready soon."

I went to my room to call, and Brody trailed after me.  Much to my chagrin, both of them were thrilled to come.  I hung up the phone and frowned at Brody before I flopped backwards on the bed.  "You don't have to if you don't want to," he said softly, rubbing my arm.

I grimaced.  "I know, but I already feel like I'm robbing her of seeing her only child get married in a big, traditional wedding.  I'll get less grief about everything else if I let her spend a couple of hours pretending I'm Wedding Barbie."

He laughed and picked up a strand of my long, blonde hair.  "You've got the hair right, but you're a little short to be Barbie," he teased me.

My dad's voice, yelling that dinner was ready, saved him from my response.  The rest of the evening was nice.  My parents didn't say anything negative about our wedding, our short engagement, or anything else.  I did notice my mom raise an eyebrow when I went for a third glass of wine.  "Not pregnant," I said, purposely filling the glass generously and taking a long drink.  Other than that, though, it was a pleasant evening and my parents seemed excited about wedding plans.

The next morning, my mom took me out to breakfast before we met Amy and Lynn at the bridal shop we were going to in Madison.  Brody was going to go kayaking with my dad, and I was not sorry that they were doing it without me.  I was really happy that Brody seemed perfectly comfortable hanging out with my dad by himself though.  Though my parents never said a negative word about John, he avoided seeing them as much as possible and I always got the vibe that they weren't his biggest fans.

After an obnoxious reunion on the sidewalk outside the bridal shop, my mom, Amy, Lynn, and I walked in.  I browsed the racks and told the sales associate what I didn't want.  I wasn't sure what to say when she asked what I did want, because I was pretty sure what I wanted couldn't be found here.  I shrugged helplessly as Amy made a few suggestions.

At least 20 awful dresses and 3 or 4 barely decent dresses later, I was seriously regretting letting them talk me into this.  I was hot, tired, and hungry.  And I hadn't found a single thing I liked.  Everything was too big and it was hard to imagine how it would actually fit when the dress was 3 sizes too big and clipped and pulled tight.

I shook my head when the sales person held up a frilly ballgown.  "No, I think I'm done," I said.  I turned and headed to the dressing room to get changed back into my own clothes.

"Olivia, what about this one?" my mom asked.  I turned, ready to say no, but the look on her face when she said, "It's even in your size," was enough to get me to agree.

"Okay, but this is the last one," I said.  She nodded and held the dress out to me.  I took it without looking at it and headed to the changing room.  I stood still while the sales associate unclipped the dress I was wearing and helped me step out of it.  She had given up on chatting with me 7 dresses ago, so I wasn't surprised when she silently twisted her finger in the air to prompt me to turn around.  I did, and then I raised my arms for her to settle the dress over my head.

As soon as it was on, I knew it was different than the rest of the dresses I'd been trying on.  For one thing, it probably weighed about 15 pounds less than most of them.  And it did actually fit.  "Oh," the sales person said as I turned back around after she finished fastening me into it.  She smiled.  "I think you're going to like this one."  There was no mirror in the dressing room so I had no choice but to follow her out to the mirrors in the middle of the store.  My mom and Amy had their backs to me, but Lynn's eyes got wide.  She poked my mom in the arm and motioned to me.

When my mom turned around, the look on her face was enough to make actually eager to see this dress on me.  When I looked in the mirror, I was stunned.  There was not a hint of tulle, poof, or lace on this dress.  In fact, it was the opposite of everything I hated about all the dresses I'd been pressured to try on today.  All I could do was stare at my reflection.

"Olivia," my mom breathed.  She was definitely having one of those mother of the bride moments.  "What do you think?"  I didn't answer.  I was too busy staring at myself.  "Olivia?"

"It's perfect," I said simply.  I turned and craned my head to look at the back of the dress in the mirror.  "I love it."

My mom smiled and I could see the tears shining in her eyes even in the mirror.  "Oh, don't do that," I said, feeling my own tears prickling my eyes.  I heard a muffled sniffle next to me and turned to see Amy quickly wipe at her cheek.  "Oh god, not you too!" I exclaimed, furiously blinking back tears.  "Get me out of this thing before we all lose it," I said, turning back to the sales person.  She was beaming at me.

My mom stepped over to me and lightly fingered the crystals on the strap of the dress.  "Are we buying you a wedding dress today, Liv?"  She looked up at me hopefully.

"Yeah," I replied, looking down at her and smiling broadly.  "I guess we're buying me a wedding dress today."

(Then) Liv: I'm Done

After the last debacle, I stopped trying to get John to do things with me.  I gave up.  It wasn't worth the fight.  John didn't initiate any plans either.  Our usual Saturdays looked like this:  him and I sitting on the couch, side by side (or sometimes I sat in the chair, or at the table), him playing video games or playing on his laptop and me doing homework or reading.  We'd order food or I'd cook, and that would be that.

It only took a few weeks to get me to my breaking point.  It was a Sunday, and it had been raining or snowing off and on all day for the past 3 days.  We'd been at his apartment the entire weekend and I was feeling cooped up and ignored and I was tired of feeling like completely platonic roommates.  Hell, we hadn't even had sex since the Saturday we'd fought about hiking.

"Let's do something the weekend of Thanksgiving," I suggested desperately, during a moment John wasn't playing his game.

He frowned.  "Like what?"

"Let's get away for a couple days.  We could spend a night in Milwaukee, or Chicago.  Do some Christmas shopping.  Just spend some time together."

"Yeah, maybe," he said noncommittally.

I wasn't going to let his lack of enthusiasm stop me, so I looked up some hotel rooms.  The prices were fairly reasonable and I told John this.  "Let's pick one and book it," I said.

He shook his head.  "Do we have to decide today?" he asked.

I stared at him, trying to figure out the best way to tell him why this was important to me.  Instead, infuriatingly, I started to cry.  This was my last ditch effort to make things better, and he just wanted to put it off--probably long enough that I'd forget or give up.  He sighed.  "Liv, why are you crying?" he asked, with about as much sympathy and concern as most people have for cockroaches.  He made no move to comfort me.

"Because," I said, sniffling and trying to get it together, "We never do anything but sit here and I want to do something.  I want to spend time with you."

"We spend time together," he protested.  "We've spent the entire weekend together."

I blinked and looked at him incredulously.  "Tell me one thing we've talked about or done this weekend that has any substance, then," I challenged him.

He rolled his eyes, and I felt my anger building.  "So what? You're going to sit here and try to make me feel bad by crying so I'll pay for a weekend away somewhere I don't even want to go?"

My mouth dropped open and the tears started again.  "I didn't say anything about you paying for it.  And if I wanted to make you feel bad," I spat between tears, "I certainly wouldn't do it by crying because you obviously don't give a fuck."

He laughed.  "Yes, tell me how I feel," he said.  "Tell me more things I don't give a fuck about, since you know what's in my head."

This pushed me over the edge.  "Me.  Our relationship.  Doing anything besides sitting on this fucking couch and playing video games.  Should I keep going?  I've got more."  My hands were on my legs and my fingers were digging into my thighs so hard that it hurt.  I glared at him through my tears and fought to keep my voice from rising to a yell.

"You're immature and impossible to talk to," he muttered.  He stood and tossed the TV remote onto the couch where he'd been sitting.  "Let me know when you're ready to have a grownup conversation."  He sauntered out of the living room and I heard his bedroom door shut.  Of course, he was careful to shut it in a perfectly civilized manner, so he could be the bigger person.  I think he actually shut it even more quietly than normal.

I sat on the couch stewing for about 10 minutes, then I grabbed my purse and left.  I drove through what now appeared to be mostly sleet and arrived at my apartment in 20 minutes.  I hated that he had moved to the other side of town, it was such a pain.  When I got home, I took a shower and then called Lauren.  I needed honesty.

"My long lost friend!" Lauren exclaimed, answering the phone.  Her voice, her excitement to talk to me, hell--even just the fact that she answered the phone, turned out to be too much, and I started to cry again.  I cursed myself for crying as easily as I blushed.  "Liv, what's wrong?"

"I'm done," I sobbed.  "I can't do it anymore."

"Breathe, sweetie," Lauren instructed me gently.  "Calm down and tell me what happened."

It took several ragged, hiccuping breaths before I was able to stop crying.  The story came pouring out.  I hadn't told Lauren much about how things had been lately, because I knew exactly what she'd say: dump the motherfucker.  She didn't get it though.  She didn't know what it was like.  She didn't know the good things, or how it hard it was to leave a relationship you'd put so much of your time, your effort, your love, and your self into.

"Jesus, Liv," she said when I was done.  "What the fuck is his problem?  I hate him.  Do you want me to fly back there and punch him in the face?  Because I will be on the next flight, and his face won't even know what hit him.  Literally."

"Don't hate him," I sniffled.  "It's not just his fault.  I'm not exactly an easy person to be in a relationship with."

"Oh no," she said firmly.  "Don't you dare even think about blaming yourself for this.  He is a rotten piece of shit and he's treating you like a child.  You deserve so much better."

"He's not awful," I said defensively.  "He's not.  He can be really great.  And I love him, Lauren."

"Why did you call me?" she asked patiently.  To an outsider, it would seem like a rude question, but I knew exactly why she asked.

"Because I needed your honesty," I admitted grudgingly.

"And my honesty is that he's a rotten piece of shit.  I can predict what's going to happen next.  He's going to call you...maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.  Either way, he's going to call.  He's going to apologize.  He'll tell you he was wrong, he's sorry, he loves you.  He'll offer to do what it takes to make it right.  He'll do it, too--for a week.  Just long enough to suck you back in, but then it will all fall apart again.  You've got to get out, Liv."

I was silent.  Part of me knew she was right, but it wasn't that easy.  "Look," she continued, undeterred by my silence, "You're going to do whatever you think is best right now.  I know that, I get it, I love you anyway. But someone needs to say this stuff to you.  You know that if you ever need anything, all you have to do is call.  I really will get on a plane, and I promise I won't punch him without your express written consent.  But if you need me, I'll come, okay?"

"Okay," I replied.  "I love you, Laur, thank you."

"I love you more," she replied.  "Don't let that asshole get you down.  You're better than that."   We said goodbye, and I climbed into bed.  It was only 6pm, but I was worn out from crying and being angry.  I thought maybe I'd just lay and relax for a little while, then get up and do a few things around the house.

Just laying and relaxing turned into crying myself to sleep, and I was startled awake by someone sitting down on the bed next to me.  I sat straight up and scrambled away from the weight on the edge of the bed.  "Hey," a soft voice said.  John's voice.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.  Can I turn on the light?"

I shook my head, then realized he couldn't see me.  It was dark.  Completely dark.  I looked at the clock and saw it was after 8. "No," I croaked.  My voice was hoarse from crying and sleep.  "Please."

"Okay," he said.  I stayed pressed against the wall, as far away from him as I could get.  He shifted so his back was to the headboard and he settled against it.  He seemed to realize that trying to touch me would be a poor choice, and he kept his hands to himself.  "I wish you hadn't left."

"You wish I would have stayed and cried on your couch while you locked yourself in your room to get away from my immature and impossible conversation?  Why bother?  I couldn't make you feel bad if you weren't watching me cry." I snipped back.  An alarm bell was going off in my head, and it was warning me that John was here to do exactly what Lauren had predicted.  Despite my earlier declaration that was I was done, I wasn't quite ready to let go--but that didn't mean I wasn't going to make him work for it.

"I didn't mean any of those things," he said.  His voice was impossibly calm and I hated him for it.  "I'm sorry.  I hate it when you cry because it makes me feel like a horrible person.  It's easier to pretend I don't care.  That's not fair to you, though."

"Very little about the way things have been going lately is fair to me," I replied.

"Okay," John said.  "Tell me what you mean."

I sighed and pulled my knees to my chest.  "Things suck, John.  They seriously suck.  Don't tell me you don't feel the same way.  It's boring, we never do anything, we're not even nice to each other.  We don't have sex, you don't listen to me, you take everything I say and twist it around to blame it all on me."  Before the words even finished coming out my mouth, I knew that how he responded to this would help me decide if I was done or if I had a little more left in me to fight for this relationship.

"You're right," he replied.  I should have expected it, but I didn't.  I wasn't prepared for that response.  "You're absolutely right.  But I love you, Olivia, and I want to fix this.  Let's fix it."

That crumbled the tiny part of me that was resolved to end this tonight.  Instead, we sat in the dark and we made a plan.  A plan to pay attention to each other, and to do things, and to talk more openly about our feelings.  I felt good when we were done.  And then we had the best make up sex we'd ever had.

It was enough.  Enough to make me hold on for just a little bit longer.  But, as Lauren had hypothesized, he did great for a little longer than a week, and then it dropped off.  A few weeks later I had, once again, given up.  He did nothing to pick up the slack.  He didn't even seem to notice when I stopped making an effort.

The final straw happened on a night we were out, a mere week before Christmas.  Of course, we were out because his friends wanted to go out, not because I wanted to.  He paid little attention to me, which was fine because I was chatting with our friends.  But when a random guy came up and struck up a conversation with me, while John was 4 feet away, he didn't even blink.  He didn't care.  I openly flirted with this guy, touching him and letting him touch me.  I giggled and leaned towards him, and did all the things I was usually far too awkward and embarrassed to do.

John barely even cast his eyes in our direction.  Later, walking home, I waited for him to make a snide comment about it.  To be mad.  He wasn't.  I knew at that moment that he just didn't care anymore.  When we got my apartment, I turned to him and said, "I'm done."

"Done with what?" he asked, looking confused.

"This.  Us.  I'm done, it's over."  I surprised myself with how calm I felt.  That's how I knew it was the right choice.  I shivered slightly in the cold, and hoped this went quickly.

"Can we talk about this?  You have the absolute worst timing," he said, sighing heavily.  I cocked an eyebrow.  "Christmas is next week.  What am I supposed to tell my parents?"

"If your biggest concern is what you're telling your parents, you should probably just go home, because there's nothing left to talk about," I replied.  My voice shook slightly, but it was purely in response to the cold wind that had just whipped down the street.

"Home?" he asked incredulously.  "How am I supposed to get home now?  It's not like I live 5 blocks away like I used to."

"Take a cab," I suggested flippantly.  I turned to walk into my apartment and he grabbed my arm.  I turned back and glared at him.  "Let me go."

"If I'm taking a cab because you're pissed, the least you could do is pay for it."  His voice was casual, but his eyes glinted coldly in the yellow glow of the street light.

"Oh, fuck you," I growled.  I yanked my arm, trying to pull it out his grasp but he tightened his grip and laughed.  Now I was getting a little nervous and I pulled again.  "John, let go," I said again, and my voice rang out shrilly in the cold air.

"You don't actually think I'd hurt you, do you?" he asked sarcastically, pretending to be hurt and disappointed.  He let go abruptly, causing me to stumble backwards a step.  I stared at him for several more seconds, wondering what had happened to the nice person I'd been friends with for years, before I spun and quickly let myself into my building, pulling the door shut firmly behind me.

Once I was in my apartment, I felt relieved for nearly a minute until I remembered that he had keys.  I quickly slid the chain across the door and hoped that he'd stay away.  He had cared so little about me actually breaking up with him.  All he was worried about was how he was going to get home, what he was going to tell his parents, and fucking with my head one last time.

I was surprised, because I wasn't sad.  Instead, I felt relieved.  I got in the shower, like I always did after fighting with John, and I stood under the hot spray until it wasn't hot anymore.  I got out, dried off, and fell into bed without bothering with pajamas.  That night, I slept better than I'd slept in a year.

(Then) Liv: Hey, Jealousy

Just a head's up.  I'm currently on an awesome girls' weekend trip with a couple of my most awesome friends.  If I get some time to write, I'll get the next post up on Sunday, but it's more likely that it will come sometime (probably evening) on Monday.  Enjoy your weekend, everyone!
____________________________________

I was awfully glad I'd taken Lynn's advice to "do something crazy."  John and I were out celebrating our one year dating anniversary.  We'd had our ups and downs, but things were definitely more up than down.  Right now, they were especially up, because John had planned a really amazing night out for us for our anniversary.

I was taking a drink of wine when I heard a sort of familiar voice say my name.  I looked up and almost choked when I saw Colin standing in front of our table.  "Colin," I said, once I'd recovered.  "Wow, hi."  I hadn't seen Colin in well over two years.  I looked at John.  "Do you guys know each other?"  John shrugged.  I quickly introduced them, and Colin stuck out his hand.  John waited just a bit too long to shake it.

"Yeah, I think we met once or twice," Colin said.

John made a face that I think was supposed to be confused, but I knew it wasn't genuine.  "Hmmm, I don't remember," he said.  "Sorry."  I gave him a weird look and he shrugged.

I turned back to Colin.  "How are you?  What have you been up to?"

He replied, telling me about his job and some traveling he'd done.  He was starting to ask the same question to me when John interrupted and said pointedly, "We're actually here for our anniversary dinner."

"Oh!" Colin said.  "Well, I'll leave you to it."  He looked at me and said, "My number is the same, we should catch up some time."  Then he turned to John, smiled, and said, "Good to see you again."

When he was gone, I looked at John.  I was ready to ask him what that was all about when John said, "You're not actually going to call him, are you?"

I blinked in surprise.  "Um, I mean, I haven't really had a chance to put any thought into it.  Probably not, he's not really someone I want to be friends with at this point.  It was just good to see him.  And what was up with that?  You have definitely met him."

"I know," he replied.  "I don't want you to call him."  There was an edge to his voice that I didn't recognize.

I was shocked.  He'd never acted like this about other guys before.  I had a couple fairly close male friends in our social circle, and he didn't have any issues with that.  "I already said I probably wasn't going to," I pointed out.  "I am really confused why you're acting like this."

He narrowed his eyes.  "I'm acting like this because your ex just rolled up to our table and interrupted out anniversary dinner to get all friendly with you, and you sat here and flirted right back with him."

I huffed out a frustrated breath.  "First of all, if that's flirting, then I also flirted with the waitress, the host, and the person I talked to at the cable company today about my shitty internet.  And he's hardly my ex.  We hung out for a month.  I wouldn't even say we were dating."

"You slept with him."

I had to make a conscious effort to keep my jaw from dropping open.  I couldn't believe him.  "Once," I sputtered, fighting to keep my voice at an appropriate volume for the nice restaurant.  "And sleeping with someone doesn't make them an ex.  I can't even believe we're having this conversation, especially when we're supposed to be celebrating our anniversary."  I dropped my fork onto the table and let my gaze slide to the side.  I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm down a little before I lost it in the middle of the restaurant.

"You're right," he said, and his voice had returned to normal.  No more strange, hard edge to it.  I looked up and he was smiling at me.  "I'm sorry, Livy, I shouldn't have said anything.  I'm being a little ridiculous.  Let's forget about it and enjoy the rest of our dinner, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I replied.  I agreed because I didn't want to drag it out or argue right now, but I was completely confused.  He smiled at me, a brilliant smile, and returned to his dinner.  Not knowing what else to do, I picked up my fork and kept eating.

A couple minutes later, John said, "You're awfully quiet."

"Oh," I replied.  "Well, I'm just...eating."  He raised his eyebrows and looked at me skeptically, then launched into a story about something that happened at work earlier in the week.  I continued to eat my dinner quietly.

As we were walking out, he put an arm around my shoulders and gently said, "Hey, you're not still upset from earlier, are you?  I'm really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Um..." I said, not sure how to answer.  I wasn't upset, but I was a little confused.

"You're not really going to stay mad about that after I apologized, are you?  Come on baby, it's our anniversary."  He pulled me closer and kissed the side of my head.  "I love you, Livy."

"I love you too," I replied, finally relaxing against him.  I decided to just let it go.  It's not like it was a regular thing, and he'd apologized, so it didn't matter.

And it didn't happen again.  At least, it didn't happen again for a few weeks.  We were out with our friends one night and Paul had pulled me to the side to ask me a question about my job, because he had a friend that had just graduated and was looking for similar work.  It was loud and crowded in the bar we were in, so we were standing close and I had my hand resting on his arm as he leaned towards me so I could hear him.

I was concentrating on what Paul was trying to say, so I jumped a little when I felt someone take my arm by the wrist.  I looked up to see John lifting my hand off Paul's arm and sliding it around his own waist.  "Telling secrets?" he asked, feigning casual curiosity.

"No, just asking Liv a couple questions about her job.  It's easier to hear over here," Paul explained, raising his voice to be heard.

"Hmmm," John replied, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that heard him.

Paul nodded to me.  "Thanks for the info, is it okay if I give her your number?" he half-yelled.  I nodded and we made our way back over to the rest of the group.

I could feel John watching me on several occasions through the rest of the evening.  A few times he inserted himself into conversations I was having, effectively ending them.  The more he did it, the more I tried to ignore him.  The more I ignored him, the more he did it.  Finally, I just told him I was ready to go.

"So what was that?" John asked once, we were walking towards his apartment.

"Good question," I replied, looking at him pointedly.

He snorted.  "Don't look at me, sweetheart.  You were the one in there talking to the entire bar."

"I didn't realize you'd placed restrictions on who I could talk to," I muttered, crossing my arms petulantly.

"I don't care who you talk to, but have a little respect for me.  You sneaking off to have a private conversation is embarrassing."

I clenched my fists and then spread my fingers as wide as they'd go while I sucked in a deep breath, filling my lungs with damp night air.  "I'm sorry you were embarrassed.  We took 4 steps to the side so he could ask me a couple questions without screaming at me.  Questions about my job, because he has a friend looking for one.  It wasn't a big deal."

"It looked bad, Olivia," he said.  I rolled my eyes.  I picked up the pace so I was walking slightly ahead of him.  "Oh, that's mature," I heard him mutter under his breath.

When we got to the corner where we'd need to turn left to go to my apartment, or right to go to his, I stopped.  "I want to go home," I said.

John gave me a weird look.  "We're working on it," he said.

"No," I replied, shaking my head.  "Home.  To my apartment."

"We can spend the night at your place, that's fine," he said, shrugging.

"No," I repeated, trying hard to control my voice.  "I want to go home to my apartment, and I want you to go home to yours.  I'm frustrated and angry and I think I'd like to just go home."

"Seriously?  You're going to throw a tantrum because I called you out for flirting with everyone?"

I gaped at him.  "Actually, me going home by myself is me trying to avoid throwing a tantrum.  I'm not even going to touch the rest of what you said."

"You didn't have a problem touching Paul," John shot back.

"Nothing about anything that I did tonight is different than the way I usually act!" I exploded.  We were about to fight this out, right here on the street corner.  "Every single person I spoke to tonight, with the exception of the bartender and the girl that ran into me, was our friend.  All people I've spoken to before.  All people I've touched before.  Why is it suddenly not okay?"

"It was never okay, Olivia," he responded coolly.  His voice was completely calm now and if he wanted to make me look like a crazy person, he was succeeding.  He held up both his hands and said, "Look, I don't want to have a screaming match on the corner.  Let's just go home, together, and not worry about it."

"No, John," I replied, and I had regained control of my volume.  "I just want to go home.  Please.  We can talk about it more in the morning.  I just need to cool off."

"There's nothing to talk about.  You just need to stop flirting with everyone and it'll be fine."

"I wasn't flirting with anyone!" I yelped.  "I don't flirt!  Flirting is not a thing that I do, ever!  You should know that as well as anyone."

"Okay, okay," he conceded.  "Calm down, Liv.  Just forget I said anything.  Please at least let me walk you home."

"If you want," I replied.  I spun on my heel and went to the left, striding as quickly down the sidewalk as my short legs would take me.  He caught up to me easily and kept pace next to me, walking silently.  Thank god for small miracles.

When we got to my apartment building, I turned and said goodnight to him.  "Come on, I walked all the way here, just let me spend the night.  I'll even sleep on the couch if you want to keep being pissed."

"No, John," I repeated, for what felt like the 15th time.  "Please let me have some space tonight."  I had gotten my explosiveness out of the way and I was calm now.

"So you're going to make me walk all the way back to my apartment?  Liv, it's after midnight."  The guilt trip was starting.

"You chose to walk with me," I replied calmly.  "I would like to spend the night alone.  Please go home."

He stared me down, contemplating his next move.  He looked like he wanted to keep arguing, but instead he pasted a smile on his face and said, "If that's what you want, then I'll respect that.  Goodnight, Livy."  He was the only person in the world that I let call me Livy, and normally it was cute when he said it, but right now it was like nails on a chalkboard.

"Goodnight," I replied.  Then I turned and let myself into my building.

I sighed in relief as I walked up the stairs.  I was so confused by his sudden jealousy.  Or apparently not sudden.  Flirting has never been something I did.  All through college, Lynn and Amy mocked me relentlessly because I sucked at talking to guys.  I still do.  I was now second guessing how it looked tonight though.  I did have my hand on his arm, but only because that's a natural place for it to go when you're standing close and talking in someone's ear.  It's not like we were feeling each other up.

John and I had never fought fair, either.  He was passive-aggressive, and I was quick to snap and yell.  The passive-aggressiveness set me off so easily.  Sometimes it seemed almost like he enjoyed pushing my buttons.  The way he'd smirk right before something slipped out of his mouth made it seem like a calculated move.  He never wanted to give me space when I asked for it, either.  He'd rather fight all night than just let me cool off.  The longer it dragged out, the angrier I'd get, which led to more and more yelling from me and more and more passive-aggressive snipes from him.  At least our fights were rare, which made them more bearable.

The next morning when I woke up, I had a text from him.  "I'm sorry about last night.  Let me take you out to breakfast?"

Breakfast, my weakness.  I thought about it while I showered, then responded that that was fine.  He picked me up an hour later and took me to my favorite breakfast spot.  Once we were settled at our table, him with a bloody Mary and me with a mimosa, he said, "I'm really sorry, baby.  I was an asshole last night.  You weren't flirting, I was just being really jealous.  I just love you so much and I hate thinking about you with someone else.  Seeing you talk to other guys, even if it's just about your job, makes me think about you with someone else."

I nodded, processing what he said.  I considered asking him why this has come out of nowhere, but decided it probably wouldn't be productive.  The last thing I wanted was to spend this entire day fighting.  "Thank you for apologizing.  I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Thank you," he replied.  "I love you."

"I love you too."

With impeccable timing, our server arrived with our food.  I eyed up my eggs, french toast, potatoes, and sausage, trying to decide what to go for first.  I wrinkled my nose when I got a whiff of John's bacon.  I finally settled on the eggs because they'd be gross if they got cold.

"What should we do today?" John asked, after we were a few bites into our breakfast.  "We can do whatever you want."

We spent the rest of breakfast tossing around ideas of things to do, and I was relieved we were done fighting, even though I was still a little confused about why we'd fought in the first place.

(Then) Liv: Connections

“What about that one?” Amy asked, motioning to a lanky blonde guy sitting in the corner with two other guys and a girl.

I wrinkled my nose.  “No.”  Lynn and Amy were determined to get me a date tonight, mostly so I’d stop complaining about how long it’d been since I had gone on a decent date.  There had been a lot of really bad dates lately.   

Lynn laughed.  “He’s not her type.  You’re looking at the wrong guys.”

“Hey!” I said indignantly.  “I don’t have a type.”

Lynn cocked an eyebrow at me and said, “I bet I can pick out—“ she took a quick look around, then continued, “at least 5 men in here that you find attractive.”

“You’re on.  Drinks are on you if you’re wrong.”

She smirked.  “And drinks are on you if I’m right.  And you have to be honest, no cheating.” 

“As if I would stoop so low,” I retorted.  “Go.”

Lynn looked around the bar slowly and then said, “That one.”  She was pointing at a dark haired guy sitting near the door.  He had on a button down shirt and looked like he was tall and built. 

“Yes,” I admitted.

Lynn grinned.  “That one, that one, that one, annnnddd….that one!” she said, pointing out 4 guys in rapid succession.  Looking at them, I was forced to admit that she was right about all of them.

“But,” I protested, “Anyone with a pulse would find all of those guys attractive.”

Amy laughed.  “Anyone with a pulse who happens to also have a thing for tall pretty boys with dark hair and arms the size of your head.  Bonus points for dark, brooding eyes.”

I had to grudgingly admit that all the guys that Lynn had pointed out did have some similarities.  “But their arms don’t have to be the size of my head,” I argued.  “Just bigger than mine.  Maybe bigger than both of mine put together.”

Lynn grinned.  “I think I’ll be having another drink soon,” she said, looking down at her glass, then lifting her eyebrows at me.  We were celebrating Amy’s graduation, and we were waiting for some of our other friends to arrive.  Amy had had to take a semester off because of a bad bout of mono that landed her in the hospital for 3 weeks, and then her next semester was rough, so she ended up graduating the year after us.   But she was finally done, and we were celebrating. 

“Where is everyone?” Amy asked, looking at her phone.  We’d arranged to meet a little earlier than the planned time, but it was now after the time everyone else was supposed to meet us here.

“I don’t know,” I replied, “But if you guys want more drinks, I’m going up to the bar now.”  I took their requests and headed to the bar.  It was crowded with graduation celebrators, and I had to squeeze through people to get close to the bar.  I waited for several minutes for our drinks, then walked back to the table with the three drinks in my hand.  By the time I got there, there were a bunch of people around the table we’d been occupying and I realized the rest of our group had arrived.

“Where's my drink?” came a teasing voice, as I set Lynn and Amy’s drinks in front of them.  I looked up at Adam, one of our friends and the person that Lynn had had an unrequited crush on forever.

“Liv lost a bet,” Lynn said, smirking at me.

“Oh really?” Adam asked, laughing.  “What was the bet?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I replied.  “I lost.”

“Oh no, you don’t get to do that!” Adam exclaimed.  “I want to know.”

Amy broke in.  “Liv tried to insist that she didn’t have a ‘type’ and Lynn bet Liv she could pick out 5 guys Liv thought was hot.  Liv took the bet, and, well…” she motioned to the drinks.

Adam laughed loudly and turned to me.  “That was stupid, Liv.  Anyone could have beat you at that bet,” he said. 

“What?  No!” I yelped.  “It’s not that obvious, is it?”

“Oh yes,” Adam argued.  “Tall, dark, and handsome will get him at least conversation with you.  If he has at least half a brain in his head and some manners to go with, he’ll get a date.  And if he looks like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren catalog, your panties might as well have stayed at home for as long as you’ll have them on.”

My face got hot and I shook my head, while Lynn and Amy roared with laughter.  “It’s true,” Lynn gasped.  “Oh, it’s so true.  Don’t shake your head like he’s not spot on.”

“You all know I don't do casual sex, which is exactly what his comment about my panties implied!" I protested.  Adam was trying to stop laughing, but when I said that, he laughed harder.  "You are a terrible person,” I said to Adam, fighting the urge to start laughing with them.  “Actually, all of you are terrible people.  I don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“Because you love us dearly and we know you so well,” Amy suggested. 

"Because we all know what kind of man to point your way?" Adam tried.  Lynn just laughed.

I glared at them until Amy changed the subject.  Adam turned to talk to someone else and Lynn stuck with him, so Amy nudged me.  “Speaking of tall, dark, and handsome,” she hissed, “John's here."  I rolled my eyes.  Lynn constantly teased me that John was exactly my type and had been right under my nose for years.

"Oh," I said, following her gaze.  "He came with Paul and Erin.  Let's go say hi."  

We walked over and greeted them.  “Hey guys, thanks for coming!” Amy chirped brightly, hugging each of them.   Amy was then quickly distracted by our friend Kate, and she took off to say hi.

"Hey stranger," John greeted me, smiling.

I hugged him.  "It hasn't been that long."

"Since your birthday," he replied.  "Four months."

I frowned.  "Wow, I guess you're right.  I've been so busy."

Before we could go any further than that, we were interrupted by Kate and Amy coming back over.  Amy clearly had a solid start on a good buzz, and she was shrieking with laughter about something Kate had said.  John leaned against the table behind us, his arm casually resting against my back, and we exchanged amused glances.

I heard Lynn call my name from the other table, so I walked over.  "When are you going to make a move on that?"

"Right, because making a move is sooooo like me," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"No, it's not at all like you, and that's the point!  I'm starting to think I was going to have to have the 'lower your standards, you stuck up bitch' talk with you soon, since you've found something wrong with nearly every guy that's looked at you for the last four years.  That guy," she motioned in the general direction of John and Paul and Erin, "Is totally your type, he's smart, he's got a job, and you already know each other.  You need to make that happen, you might not get another chance."

I frowned.  "Normally if I want a reality check, I go to Lauren.  Glad you can fill in in her absence," I said sarcastically.  

"Liv, sweetheart, I love you, you know that.  But it's been one bad first date after another, for years.  And some of them were really bad, I will give you that.  But sometimes it seemed like you were just looking for reasons to not see them again."

"What's the point in seeing them again if there's no connection?" I asked with a shrug.

"This isn't the movies," Lynn said.  "Connections don't always happen on a first date.  Sometimes you have to give things a chance.  Not everyone is going to be Colin."

I had been staring over her shoulder, but my eyes snapped to hers when she said that.  "Don't," I warned her.  "Please," I added, softening my tone.  

"Okay, I won't," she said.  "But think about it.  Do something crazy.  Don't stay stuck there."

"I'm not," I protested.  

Lynn started to respond, but Erin hurried over and said, "Amy is trying to challenge a stranger to a Prairie Fire drinking competition, help!" 

"Oh no," Lynn and I said in unison.  Amy prided herself on her ability to drink the tequila and hot sauce shots, but a competition sounded like a really bad choice.  Lynn and I hurried after Erin to intervene, and I tried to stop thinking about Colin.

Fucking Colin.  I had spent the entirety of my freshman year lusting after him from afar.  He was in one of my classes, lived one floor above me...and was dating one of my suite-mates.  I was head over heels, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.  So I went about my life, even doing a little dating here and there, but I just couldn't shake it.  Of course, I wasn't even the slightest bit to come back from summer break to find out that they had broken up over the summer.  He ended up in another one of my classes, and we ran into each other one day after.  We ended up going to get lunch together and spending the rest of the afternoon together.  We did the same thing the next week.  And the week after that.  And finally, he asked me out on an actual date.  

The date was amazing, and when he kissed me, it was absolutely perfect.  It was exciting, there was chemistry.  We went out again, and I slept with him after that date.   And it was amazing.  And then?  Well, then he never called me again.  He started sitting on the opposite side of the lecture hall, and leaving right after class.  And when I ran into him once at the fitness center, he awkwardly said hi and tried to get away.  When I asked him what happened, he shrugged, said, "It was fun.  But that was it, you know?  Fun."  

I was pissed, but I was less upset that I expected to be.  But after that, every single person got compared to Colin.  It wasn't fair, but that's what happened.  Lynn and Amy thought that I was still infatuated with him.  As many times I tried to assure them that that wasn't it like my 3 week fling had broken my heart forever, they just didn't get it.  I got over him pretty quickly, considering, but I couldn't get them to understand that I was craving the connection that Colin and I had, for those few short weeks.  The sparks.  The fireworks.  It got to be such a sore subject that I refused to even talk to them about it.  But in any case, here I am, 4 years later, still chasing a connection.  

I shook the thoughts out of my head as Lynn encouraged the random person to step away from the challenge, and I tried to distract Amy.  She was hell bent on her shot competition, and I finally said, "You can still have your competition.  What if we just do them?  And whoever keeps the straightest face wins."  Have you tried to keep a straight face while drinking a shot of tequila mixed with hot sauce?  Right.  

"I'll buy and judge," John said.  At some point he had appeared next to me.  "Because this is something I've got to see."  He walked up to the bar before I could protest.

"Fine, since Lynn chased my competitor away," Amy said, pouting.  But then she got excited.  "I'm going to kick your ass!"

Lynn glared at me.  "Did you really just volunteer us for this?" she hissed under her breath.  

"Drink up, princess," I replied, smiling.

John returned with three shot glasses.  He set one down in front of Amy, one in front of me, and one in front of Lynn.  Amy was still talking to someone and he leaned close to Lynn and I and said, "Yours are just tequila.  But she's going to win, so she doesn't demand a rematch."  I threw a grateful look over my shoulder at him.  

When Amy returned her attention to us, we all downed our shots, and John declared Amy the winner.  I was a little worried she'd challenge someone else anyway, but she quickly became distracted by Erin and Kate and started talking to them.  Lynn and I turned to John, and I said, "Thank you.  Whoever introduced her to those shots should be punched in the face."  

He laughed and leaned against the table next to me.  His leg brushed against mine and neither of us moved to end the contact.  "I'm glad I could help."  

Adam wandered over and we all got back to our normal mixing and talking.  Every once in awhile I'd catch John looking at me.  When I walked past him to go to the bathroom, I let my shoulder brush his arm.  I fought the urge to turn to see if he was watching me.  When I came back, he caught my arm gently as I walked by.  I turned and looked at him curiously.  "It's getting close to last call, and a bunch of our group just left.  How are you ladies getting home?"

"We walked," I replied.  We only lived a couple blocks away, and John didn't live much further.

"I don't think Amy is going to be doing much walking," John said, frowning.  I followed his gaze to where Amy was sitting on a high bar chair, leaning against Adam, who was standing next to her with an arm around her.  Her eyes were open but I agreed, especially in the 4 inch heels she was wearing.  

"Shit," I muttered.  I tried to figure out a better solution, and watched as Erin walked over and said something to Adam.  Amy pulled herself into an upright position and shook her head and Erin said something to her too.  Amy shook her head again, and looked like she was arguing with Amy.  I walked over there.  

"You're not walking home, babe," Erin was saying.  "You're absolutely shit faced. I'll give you a ride."

"I'm not that drunk.  And who's gonna walk with Liv and Lynn?" Amy slurred.  

"I will," John volunteered from behind me.  

I turned to protest that Lynn and I would be fine on our own, but Amy interrupted.  "Do it," she said excitedly.  "Because remember how we talked about your type? And he's your type!  You should let him walk you alllllllll the way home."  I felt my face immediately flush and had to restrain myself from slapping a hand over Amy's mouth so she didn't say anything else.  

I fought my embarrassment long enough to say, "I will if you let Erin drive you." 

"Deal," she said, sticking out her hand to shake.  It threw off her balance and she started to tipping towards me.  Adam quickly wrapped his arm back around her and pulled her upright again.  I shook her hand and turned, cheeks still warm.   

"Let's find Lynn," I said hurriedly.

"She's right there," John replied, pointing to our right.  He was smirking, but didn't say anything.  I turned and saw Lynn talking to Kate just a few feet away from us.  

We walked over and collected Lynn.  I explained that Erin was taking Amy home and John was going to walk with us.  Lynn nodded knowingly and winked me behind John's back.  "Do something crazy!" she mouthed silently.  I shook my head and rolled my eyes.  John turned back to see if we were coming and we both pasted innocent smiles onto our faces.  Nothing suspicious about that.

Lynn lived the closest, and we were dropping her off at her building within minutes.  "I'm two more blocks," I said, suddenly feeling shy now that I was alone with John--which was stupid, because I'd known him for years.  We were walking close enough to each other that our arms occasionally brushed.  I got a slight thrill every time it happened.  The power of suggestion, perhaps? We were quieter now, chatting a little about things that had happened while we were out.  When we got to my building, which was above a 24 hour coffee shop and cafe, he said suddenly, "Are you hungry?"

I raised an eyebrow at him.  "Do you know me at all?"

He didn't say anything else, just pulled the door to the cafe open.  I walked inside and he followed, and we sat at a booth in the corner.  The place was almost deserted, there were two girls sitting in the opposite corner.  I knew they'd get busier when the bars closed in about a half hour.

Once we had ordered, John looked at me and smiled.  "So what's this I hear about being your type? Is it true?"

My cheeks, once again, flushed and I fought the urge to sink lower in my seat.  I opened my mouth to deny it, because that seemed like the best way to end my embarrassment, but I decided against it.  Do something crazy, right?  "Yeah," I said.  "It's true."

We ate our greasy 24-hour cafe food and chatted more about the evening and what we'd each been up to in the last 4 months.  When we finished, he paid, despite my protests, and walked me back to the entrance to the apartments above.  "Can I walk you up?" he asked.  I raised one eyebrow, skeptical of his intentions.  He laughed and held up both hands.  "I just want to walk you up.  You never know what could happen in these sketchy apartment stairwells.  I promise I'll behave."  

"Okay," I agreed.  I unlocked the door and we went in.  We walked up the stairs, quiet now.  It was late, and I was really tired.  When we got to my door I stopped and turned to him.  "Thanks for walking me home," I said at the same time he said, "I had fun tonight."  We looked at each other and laughed.  And then I kissed him.  Yep.  I kissed him.  Not a signature move of mine, that's for sure.  

And you know what?  It was there.  The connection, the sparks, the fireworks.  Enough that I was breathless when we pulled apart.  We just looked at each other for a second, and then he kissed me again.  He pushed his hands into my hair and backed me up against the door to my apartment.  When we finally separated again, he said, "I'm sorry, I promised to behave, and I didn't."

I laughed.  "I started it, blame it on me."  

"You're too pretty to take the blame," he replied softly.  "So should I get back on my best behavior, or would you like me to break that promise again?"

"I think you'd better break that promise again."