(Then) Liv: Maybe

Hey guys!  I was planning to post a regular storyline post tonight, but I ended up at work way later than I planned and I don't feel like finishing it tonight.  So instead, I'm posting Liv's backstory post because it's finished.  I will post a regular storyline post on Friday! 
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"John," I said, waiting for him to look up from his stupid video game.  He had been playing since before I even got up this morning, and now it was after noon.  I had waited hours hoping he'd at least take a break and I could talk to him about doing something today, but he hadn't pulled his eyes from the screen.  Except, conveniently, when I was in the shower, when he must have paused it long enough to get a snack, because a dirty plate and fork were hanging out next to him on the couch.  I waited several seconds with no response.  "John!" I said again, impatiently.

After several more seconds, I got a distracted, "Yeah, babe?"

"Let's do something."  Several seconds went by without even an acknowledgement that I had said anything.  I sighed.

"What?" Now he sounded irritated.

"Let's do something," I repeated.  Sometimes I thought I should just make a recording of myself so I could play it over and over instead of just repeating myself.

"Hmmmm," he replied.  When I stood there silently and didn't respond, he finally said, "Like what?"

"I didn't have anything specific in mind," I admitted.  "I just want to get out of the house.  This is the only week I don't have anything due at school, which makes it the only weekend I won't be doing homework all weekend.  I don't want to sit here all day.  We could go find somewhere new to eat, or go to a movie, or I don't know."  Of course I had already mapped out my entire semester's worth of assignments.  I had to plan my free time carefully.

"Yeah, that sounds good," he said, clearly not listening.

Completely frustrated, I walked over and stood in front of the TV.  "What the fuck, Liv?" he snapped angrily, leaning to the side to try to see around me.  When I didn't move, he stabbed at a button on the controller and tossed it to the side with obvious irritation.  "We can do something, just not a movie.  Figure out what you want to do, and we'll go. But in the meantime, can you please get out of the way?  I can still die when it's paused."

I took a deep breath to quell my frustration and stepped out of the way.  I walked into my bedroom to give myself a couple minutes to gather myself and calm down.  This was the losing battle I'd fought with John all summer.  I wanted to enjoy my weekends during the three short months I didn't have class, and he wanted to enjoy his.  Unfortunately, we had very different ideas of what constituted an enjoyable weekend.  It hadn't been nearly as big of an issue for the last 7 weeks, since I'd been in school and had plenty of homework to keep me occupied all weekend since I didn't really have time during the week between actually going to class and working.

When I could talk and smile at the same time again, I walked back into the living room.  John looked up at me briefly when I walked in and I took advantage of the opportunity to say, "Let's go hiking.  It's so nice out.  We won't have many decent days left."  It was late October and unseasonably warm.  It was the perfect day to take advantage of some of pretty good trails that lay just a short drive out of the city.  We'd had a frost a couple weeks earlier, which meant no bugs, and the leaves would be falling soon but for now were beautiful.

He returned his eyes to his game and made a face.  "I don't really want to."

"Seriously?"

"What?" He glanced up at me again, and the irritation was plain on his face.

I tried to keep my frustration in check so I could explain why I was irritated.  "You told me to think of something and we'd do it.  You don't have any suggestions, but you don't like the ones I had."

"Look, just because I said to think of something doesn't mean I was just automatically agreeing to whatever it was you decided you wanted to do.  I meant for you to come up with some ideas and maybe I can pick something.  I don't actually feel like doing anything, but if you really want to go out, we can.  Especially if the alternative is you stomping around here like a brat all day."

I stared at him.  "Stomping around like a brat?" I parroted back in disbelief.

"Is this what you want to fight about today, Olivia?" he asked, giving me that condescending look he was so good at.  "If you want to go hiking, call a friend.  Or think of something we'd both like to do."

"Well, since I don't want to play video games, I guess that's pretty unlikely," I spat.  He had pushed me past my breaking point, and I knew he wouldn't want to do anything I might suggest.

He laughed.  "Nail in your coffin, babe.  I'm out.  If you want to do something today, I suggest you get on the phone and find someone else."  Then he turned his attention completely away from me and back to his game, and it was clear we were done. I spun and walked to my room, fighting the urge to stomp the whole way.  Once I got there, I realized I had left my phone on the coffee table and went back out, face red.  So much for my exit.  John smirked at me as I grabbed my phone off the table and stormed out again.   "I hope you find someone, because the stomping is already old," he called after me.  I wasn't even stomping.  He'd know if I was stomping.

I sat down on my bed and toyed with my phone.  Lynn was working today.  I opened my contacts and tapped the screen over Amy's name.  "Hey, Livvers!" she answered cheerfully.

"Ugh, stop," I protested my hated nickname.  She laughed.  "Wanna hike?" I asked.

"Yes!" she replied happily.  "It's perfect out.  Where should we go?  Is John coming?"

I snorted.  "No, he's most certainly not."

"Uh oh," Amy responded.  "Okay, well where should we go?"  We discussed for a few minutes and settled on a place not too far, since we were rapidly running out of daylight.

"I'll pick you up," I said, and we hung up.  I quickly changed and grabbed my small daypack.  I walked back out into the living room, where John was still playing his game.  "Are you planning to stay here or do you want a ride home?" I asked.

"Well, I want to finish this game, but I was going to go home after that.  Can't you leave your car?"

I stared at him.  Seriously?  "No, I'm driving."  And why would I leave my car for someone that I was just fighting with?

"I guess I'll just stay then, unless I can get TJ to come get me later.  Maybe he'll come play for awhile."

"John, I don't want your friends over here when I'm not here," I said, for probably about the thousandth time.  The last time he'd had a friend over to my apartment while I wasn't here, I ended up coming home to find someone I didn't even know passed out on my couch and a pizza in the oven, cooked about 15 minutes past the point of edible.

"Okay, okay," he replied, rolling his eyes.  "Then if TJ comes to get me, I won't let him come up.  Happy?"

"Sure," I muttered.  "See you later."  He lifted one hand in a half wave as I let myself out, leaving him playing video games in my apartment while I went out to enjoy the nice day.



"So what's the deal with John this time?" Amy asked, throwing her bag in the backseat and sliding into the passenger seat.

"Same shit, different day," I sighed, pulling away from the curb.  "He didn't want to go do something today, but he would have, for me." I rolled my eyes as those two sarcastic words left my mouth.  "Except he didn't actually want to do any of the things I wanted to do.  And he didn't have any suggestions, either.  And then he was just such a dick about it.  He has this way of talking to me that just makes me want to break things.  He never yells--never.  He'd never raise his voice at me.  But the things he says, and the way he says them...I don't know how to explain it.  It's like he's so put off that I would even bother him with my feelings or things I want.  It's condescending.  I feel like he's scolding me like I'm a little kid."

One time I'd tried to explain to him that the way he talked to me upset me, but it was so hard to explain that I ended up flustered and didn't do a very good job.  He quickly explained it away by accusing me of being irrational and taking things too personally.  And then, as he always did, he took the opportunity to turn it around and give me a laundry list of things I did that he didn't like.  I walked away from the conversation feeling defeated, like I was crazy, and wondering if maybe I was a little hard to live with.

"Remind me what you like about him?" Amy said, wrinkling her nose.

I sighed.  "I love him, Ames," I said.  "It's not always like this.  He can be great.  He's been so supportive of me going back to school, and we have fun together.  He just gets in these moods, and it sucks."  Amy looked perfectly skeptical, and I changed the subject.  I didn't want to spend my day whining about my crabby boyfriend.

We ended up having a great afternoon hiking on one of my favorite trails.  I was feeling much better by the time I dropped Amy off and returned to my apartment.  I was surprised to hear the shower running when I let myself in.  I was in my room, peeling off my sweaty shirt, when John got out of the shower and walked in, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Well, that's a sight for sore eyes," he commented, his gaze drifting over my sports bra and down my stomach.

"Are you done in the bathroom?" I asked.  "I'm disgusting.  It was way warmer than I thought it was going to be."

"I like you all sweaty," he replied, catching my wrist as I tried to walk past him.  He tugged me towards him.

"Can you just give me a few minutes to shower, please?" I asked.  I was a little irritated that he wanted to have sex with me after the way he'd talked to me earlier, and I really did feel gross.  But I
didn't want to fight with him anymore tonight, so I tried to push my irritation away.  And in order to do that successfully, I needed a shower.  Really, really soon.

But he kept his grip on my wrist and pulled me closer still.  "Mmm, you can shower later," he suggested.  "I missed you today, and you look so good right now."

I yanked my wrist out of his grasp.  "I'm taking a shower," I said through gritted teeth.  I was trying so hard not to lose my cool, because I couldn't handle any more arguing today.

"What is your deal?" he asked, completely oblivious.

"'My deal' is that you completely blew me off earlier when I just wanted to do something with you.  You were rude to me, and you let me leave without so much as an apology.  Then I come back, and I just want to take a shower, and you expect me to want to have sex with you?  After the way you talked to me earlier?"

He held up his hands and took a step back.  "Go take a shower then," he said curtly.  Then he turned and pulled some clothes out of his drawer in my dresser.  I gladly walked out and to the bathroom.

I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and stood there for a long time.  I hoped that John would be gone when I got out, even if it meant that he had taken my car.  Sometimes I felt like I was desperately clinging to the last pathetic strings of this relationship, but then John would do something that made me fall in love with him all over again.  It was almost worse that way.  If he was awful all the time, my choice would be easy.

When I got out of the shower, I could hear my TV.  I knew that meant John was still here.  Even when he was being an idiot he still had enough courtesy to turn off my TV before he left.  I walked quickly to my bedroom and changed.  I dried my hair and got in bed with a book, even though it was only 8pm.  I didn't want to talk to John.  I didn't want to fight with him.

I read for nearly an hour, then I decided to just go to bed.  I turned off the light and settled into bed, turning my body towards the wall.  20 minutes later, I was still awake.  I wanted nothing more than to be asleep before John came in, but just seconds after I had that thought, the door slid open.  I was careful not to move.  Maybe he'd think I was asleep and he'd go away quietly.

I steeled myself when he climbed into bed next to me.  He pressed his body against mine and wrapped an arm around my waist.  I had to consciously force my muscles to stay relaxed, because their natural instinct was to stiffen.  "Liv, baby, I'm sorry," he said softly.  "You're right, I was an asshole.  I don't know what my problem was earlier.  I was trying to avoid fighting about it when you came back, but I fucked that up too.  I don't want you to be mad at me."

I laid silently for several seconds.  I wasn't trying to make him squirm, but I wasn't sure how I wanted to respond.  Finally I said, "Okay, thanks for apologizing."  There wasn't a whole lot of feeling in my response, but he nestled his head into the crook between my neck and shoulder anyway.

"I love you, Livvy," he said.

"I love you too," I replied.  I waited for him to say more, but he was apparently satisfied that I wasn't mad at him anymore.  He pressed his lips against the back of my neck, and when I didn't immediately respond, he moved them lower.  He let his lips travel the back of my neck and my shoulder until he found the spot that made my tense muscles start to relax.  I felt him smile against my skin as he concentrated on that spot, and I silently cursed my body for betraying me.

I wasn't at all in the mood, after the way the day had gone, but I forced myself to relax and focus on his lips against my skin, his hand that was now traveling up my leg.  Soon, I gave into the sensations and was able to temporarily forget about how pissed I had been just an hour earlier.  But his efforts to seduce me stopped as soon as he got my body responding to his touch, and 10 minutes later he was kissing my cheek, saying "goodnight, babe," and leaving me alone and unsatisfied in my bed.


The next morning, I woke up just as alone as I had fallen asleep.  Only this time, I smelled breakfast.  I got up, pulled on a sweatshirt, and stumbled out of my bedroom.  I squinted at the light in the kitchen and rubbed my eyes.  "Good morning, baby," John greeted me cheerfully.

"Morning," I replied sleepily.

"I'm making breakfast," he said needlessly.

"I see that, thank you."  I wandered further into my tiny kitchen and watched him make French toast and scrambled eggs.  There was a plate of bacon draining on the counter, and I opened the fridge.  "Is there any sausage?" I asked

"Sausage?" he asked.  I nodded.  "No, I only got bacon when I picked stuff up last night."  I almost laughed.  No matter how many times I told him, he could never seem to remember that I didn't like bacon.  But it wasn't something that upset me much, because I knew he preferred his eggs fried, but still made them scrambled because that's what I liked.  He could have his bacon.

"Did you go out to get this stuff after I went to bed?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.  "I feel really bad about yesterday.  If you still want to do something today, we can do whatever you want."  This was his pattern.  He'd be a jerk, try to pretend it didn't happen, blow me off when I got pissed, then feel bad and try to make it up to me.  I knew this was his pattern.  I knew that he was only doing this so I wouldn't be mad, and that he'd do the same shit again next week, or maybe the week after.  The problem was that his efforts to make it up to me were actually really effective.

Breakfast was really good, and I thought about what I wanted to do.  I considered going to a movie, but then remembered that John hadn't wanted to do that yesterday.  I quickly nixed that idea, because even though he said we could do whatever I wanted, I didn't want to chance wasting the last day of my weekend arguing with him.  I still wanted to go do something, but it was cloudy and looked like it might rain.  I ended up suggesting we just run out and rent a movie and get some snacks.  John liked that idea, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Maybe we could even have a good day.  Maybe.

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This was going to be the last Liv backstory post but I realize it leaves some questions unanswered still.  I'm working on one more!