Lauren: Commitment

Before I even think about what I'm doing, I hang up.

Alex looks up at me, confused.  "Who was that?  Why'd you hang up so fast?"

"It was a reporter from the Denver Post," I answer.  "He wanted to talk to me about my job."

My phone starts ringing again, and I stare at it.  "You know," Alex says, looking amused.  "You could just tell him you don't want to talk to him."

"Oh, look who has logic and reason today," I retort.  "I can't answer now after I hung up on him.  He'll think I'm ridiculous."

Alex snorts.  "He already thinks you're ridiculous.  But you're right--if you answer, you're giving yourself numerous opportunities to become even more ridiculous."

I glare at him and hit the button to silence the call.  "You're--" I start.

"The worst," Alex interrupts.  "I know."  He grins at me and I roll my eyes and turn away before he can see the smile tugging at the corners of my lips.  I head upstairs to my makeshift office.  I need to comb through job postings again.

I actually find 3 that I want to apply to, and I carefully craft my cover letters and tweak my resumes, then send them off.

I get a call later that day from a job I applied to the week before, asking to set up an interview.  I don't answer it, fearing that it might be the reporter again.  After I listen to the message, I call back and set up an interview in two days.

The next day, I meet Liv for lunch.  I'm taking advantage of being off work and using it to improve my social life.  "How's the job search going?" Liv asks after we order.

"Not bad," I reply.  "I have an interview tomorrow."  I fill her in a little on the job search, and we talk about my old company.  Liv read the article in the paper and we'd texted about it quite a bit already.  "And how's married life?"

She groans.  "I wish everyone would stop asking me that," she answers.

"Uh oh," I say, concerned.

"Oh!" Her cheeks turn pink.  "No, nothing's wrong," she clarifies.  "It's just everyone's favorite question.  Actually, things are really good.  Brody finally has things at work set up the way he wants them, and things are starting to really slow down for him."  She tells me about his restructure at work and their plans to take a trip to Jamaica in March.  "Everything should be set by then, and we can celebrate him finally having a normal amount of work.  Provided nothing goes wrong between now and then, at least."

"That's awesome," I say sincerely.  I've struggled watching how busy Brody is.  From the outside, it's hard to see how their relationship works sometimes.  To me, it's seemed like he hasn't always made Liv a priority and I know they fought about it a lot towards the beginning of their relationship.  It's great to see him really making an effort to make more time in his life.  I know they want kids someday, and Liv has said that she won't even talk about it until his work schedule is more manageable.

"How is Alex doing?" she asks me.

I shrug.  "Pretty well.  He's working from home some, and we've been getting out more.  He's pretty self-sufficient now and only really takes pain meds once in awhile.  Usually after he overdoes it."

"That's great!" Liv says excitedly.  Unfortunately, she has to get back to work soon, but we make plans to go out this weekend.


My interview the next day goes well, and I leave it feeling hopeful.  I really click with the interviewers and I like the the feel of the company.  I stop on the way home to pick up some groceries, and I'm a lot more cheerful than I've been in awhile.

When I get back to Alex's house, he helps me put the groceries away.  I head upstairs to change out of my suit.  Then I make my way back downstairs and lay on the couch, settling my head on Alex's leg.  "I was thinking," I say, getting comfortable.

"Wait," Alex interrupts.  "If you were thinking, I think I need a beer before I listen."

"Shut up, jerk," I tell him, rolling my eyes.  "I was just thinking that once we're both working again like normal, productive members of society, we should plan another trip.  Savannah was so much fun until...well..." I stop.  I don't need to say 'until your mom went full bitch and tried to replace me.'

"I was thinking too," Alex counters.  "I kind of like this sweet set-up, and I thought maybe you could get a job and I'll just be a stay at home boyfriend forever."

"Tomorrow's headline: woman kills boyfriend with bare hands just for the hell of it," I reply.  "And anyway, who would pay your mortgage then?  Because I'm surely not paying my rent and your mortgage."

"I thought you'd appreciate my plan because it's breaking traditional gender roles!" Alex says, pretending to pout.  "And anyway, I just figured you'd eventually move in.  Or we'd find a new place together."  He throws this part on casually, but I stiffen involuntarily.

I hear him sigh, but I don't say anything.  "Laur," he says gently.  "You've practically been living here anyway.  I'm not saying let's move in together tomorrow, but I'm also struggling with the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone that I don't even share a house with."

I sit up and look at him.  His jokes are gone, and he looks serious.  "I'm not saying I don't ever want us to live together," I tell him uneasily.

"No," he replies, looking frustrated.  "Maybe in 10 years you'll be okay with some real commitment."

I blink in surprise and my mouth drops open a little.  I stare at him, and he returns my gaze easily.  "Alex," I start, but I stop.  I have no idea what to say.  I finally settle on, "That's not fair."

"Isn't it?" he asks.  "You're terrified of commitment.  Hell, we've known each other for almost 9 years at this point, and the best I can get from you is a verbal confirmation that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.  All talk, no action."

"Now that is really not fucking fair," I protest, trying not to raise my voice.  "I've spent the last how many weeks here, taking care of you?  I slept on your hospital bed after your accident.  I cried in public like a huge fucking mess.  I've put up with your parents, who hate me and just want me to go away, and I've done things for you that I don't even like to do for myself!  So I'm sorry, but just because you don't recognize those things for what they are, it doesn't mean I'm all talk and no action.  I've been nothing but action since the weekend before Christmas!"

My voice, which rose steadily as I talked on, shakes slightly and falters on the word "Christmas."  I try hard to see his perspective, and if I wasn't so angry I might be successful.  But I'm livid at his accusation that I've done nothing to prove that I'm in this for the long haul.  Where has he been these past 6 weeks?

I see the uncertainty in his eyes, and I can tell he's thinking about what I just said.  But I also see the stubborn set of his jaw, and I know this conversation is going nowhere good, and fast.  "I think maybe I should go home for now," I say softly.

"Sure," Alex says bitterly.  "Run away."

"I am not running away," I hiss fiercely.  "I am giving us both some space so we can come back to this after we've had some time to calm down and think.  You're hurt.  I'm hurt.  If I stay here, one or both of us will say something stupid and potentially relationship damaging.  I am walking away to save this relationship."

Alex doesn't say anything, and after giving him plenty of time to respond if he wants to, I stand.  I force myself to walk calmly up the stairs, and I collect some of my stuff.  Might as well do some of my laundry when I'm at home.  I've been doing it here, but I'll need something to do at home.

When I come back downstairs, Alex is standing with his keys in his hand.  "What are you doing?" I ask suspiciously.  Alex hasn't driven since before his accident.

"Going for a drive," he snaps.  I resist the urge to caution him and I just nod.  He follows me out the door, locking it behind me.  I don't wait around to watch him walk into his garage.  I leave as soon as I get in the car.

On the way home, I try to remind myself that the last 6 weeks have been really trying for both of us.  I hate being unproductive and not working.  Alex hates being cooped up.  That's all this is--our frustration of the last 6 weeks coming out sideways.  I hope.