Lauren: If It's Important to You, It's Important to Me

This one snuck up on me, and you guys are going to be displeased, but this is the last Lauren post!  I thought it would end up being two posts, so I was going to warn you today and then have one more.  But it didn't work out that way once I got it all written up.  I know there are still a few loose ends, but I promise that those will get tied up in the very last post of the blog.  The next Kinsley post is very likely her final post as well, but I haven't written it yet, so I'm not positive.  Be prepared for the possibility.
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I manage a few hours of restless, dreamless sleep.  In between, I toss and turn and think about what Alex said.  I'm not an idiot.  I can understand his original point.  I know that if it was anyone but me, marriage would be part of Alex's long term plan.  Maybe kids, too.  And I get why he's frustrated and hurt by my reluctance to move in or seriously talk about anything long term.

But I'm also hurt by him saying that I haven't done anything to show him that I'm truly in this.  Is he for real?  I don't know what else he would consider these last 6 weeks to be, but he knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't do any of the things I'd done for him out of guilt or the goodness of my heart.

I try to remind myself that both our lives have been disrupted in serious ways.  People don't think rationally when they're upset.  We both have other things going on that have increased our stress.  But I've been trying so hard to show Alex how much I love him since the night he was in the hospital and questioned it.  I don't know what else he needs, besides me to decide to move in with him.  To me, that seems like a really arbitrary marker for commitment.  People can move out just as easily as they move in.  Everything else I've done (especially making peace with his parents and doing my best to be polite to them even as they continued to be rude and dismissive of me) says more to me than moving in ever would.

It's nearly 4am before I realize that the fundamental problem is that we have different ideas of what commitment looks like.  Alex, who is probably still coming to terms with the fact that I may never want to get married, is looking for something a little more concrete and traditional.  I, in my ever-oppositional state, consider more abstract things to be an even bigger show of dedication.

Trying to figure out how to meet in the middle keeps me up until 5:30.  Finally I give up on that, and fall back to sleep for awhile.  I wake up again around 7 and just throw in the towel and get up.  I take a long shower and spend far too long doing my hair and makeup.  Around 8:30 I give up on stalling and call Alex.

He answers right away.  "Hi," I respond to his greeting.  "Can we talk?"

"Yes," he replies.  "I can come over."

I get a bowl of cereal while I wait and eat it mindlessly.  I hate fighting with Alex.  It's so rare, and it's always awful when it happens.

I see Alex pull up in my driveway and I open the door for him.  "Hi," he greets me, smiling sheepishly.  He surprises me by hugging me tightly and then kissing me.  "I love you, and I'm sorry."  I blink in surprise, and he continues.  "I was an asshole yesterday, and you had a good point.  But I'm also kind of unhappy and I also think you are, so I think we need to talk about that.  Without me taking cheap shots."

"I agree," I say softly.

We both sit on the couch and I look at him, waiting for him to start.  "Well," he says, fidgeting nervously.  I have to bite my lip, because I've never seen him so nervous and it's adorable, but also this isn't a good time for that.  "Lauren...you were right last night.  You've done a lot in the last several weeks to show me that you're committed to me.  I was an idiot for not seeing it.  It honestly didn't even occur to me how much everything you've done lately means in that way.  I'm sorry for not recognizing it, and I'm sorry for being a dick about it last night."

"Thank you," I say, relieved that he can at least see that.

"You're welcome.  Everything you've done means a lot to me, and where it comes from with you means a lot too.  But everything that has happened makes me even more sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and it's hard when you won't even have a conversation about it."

"So let's have a conversation about it," I say.

Alex looks at me silently for a second, then says, "I want to have a conversation about why we can't even talk about it."

That isn't what I'm expecting, and I'm not ready for it.  "I...well...what do you mean?"

Alex starts to sigh, but catches himself.  "I don't know, Lauren.  Tell me what freaks you out so much about it that you physically react when I even mention it."

"It doesn't freak me out, that's the thing," I tell him.  He looks skeptical, but I push on.  "It just doesn't mean the same thing to me that it means to you.  So when you think 'move in together', it means commitment and taking things to the next level.  When I think it, it doesn't mean to that me.  So all I think of is how much things change, and it's hard for me to see the meaning of it.  And if you say 'let's move in,' and I say, 'yeah, but', what you hear is that I don't want to commit.  But that's not true.  It's not true at all.  So instead of trying to explain it, I just avoid the conversation because it's easier."

Alex looks confused, and I can tell I didn't do a good job explaining.  "So, if you don't want to get married, and moving in doesn't mean 'commitment' to you, what does?" he asks.  I have to give him a lot of credit for trying to understand.

"I don't really know how to explain it," I tell him.  I see his face change, and I hurriedly continue.  "No, wait.  I'm going to try, I just needed to let you know that it might not make a lot of sense.  To me, commitment just...is, I guess?  Like, if I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with you, I wouldn't even still be with you.  Much less having this terribly uncomfortable but undeniably important conversation.  It's in all the things I had to do differently than I normally would have in order to help you out for the past month.  I don't change my routine for just anyone, you know." That gets a small smile out of him, and I smile back.

"Look," I say.  "I get it.  I get where you're coming from.  You pictured getting married and having kids someday, like most people do.  Then I came along and for some stupid reason you fell in love with me, and I basically ruined the idea you'd created of what your life would be like.  That sucks."

"Well--" Alex starts, and I can tell by his face that he's going to argue, to say it's not that bad.

"No, it does suck," I insist.  "You don't have to lie about it.  Alex, I have no intention of changing my mind about getting married.  It's not me.  I don't understand it.  I don't want it.  If you want to get married, it's not going to be to me.  I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I'm not ever going to marry you."

He stares at me.  Before he can get too upset, I continue.  "If you're okay with that--and I mean truly okay with it, because the worst possible thing you could do is stay with me hoping that someday I'll change my mind--then let's move in together."

Alex looks stunned.  He doesn't say anything, so I just keep talking, because apparently that's my thing now.  "I'm not going anywhere until my lease is up, obviously, but that gives us some time to plan and talk about it and all that shit that people do."

His eyes narrow suspiciously, and he finally says something.  "Are you just doing this to placate me?"

I take a deep breath and try not to lose it.  "No.  Do you know me at all?  When is the last time I did anything to placate anyone?  Much less made a major life decision just because someone else wanted me to?"  He's still looking at me suspiciously.  "Alex, my resistance to moving in with you is because it's change.  It's change, and it's giving up my space, and those things are really hard for me.  It has nothing to do with my level of commitment.  I don't think a living situation says anything about how committed someone is.  But I don't not want to live with you.  It just doesn't mean the same thing to me as it does to you.  But if it's important to you, then it's important to me.  I won't marry you, but I will absolutely live with you.  And I might even like it."

Alex finally grins at me.  "We can have separate bedrooms, if you want," he teases, and I know we're okay.

"Don't tempt me!" I tell him.

He frowns then, his brow furrowing with concern.  "My house isn't the best set up for us both," he admits.  He's right.  It's tiny.  It's probably smaller than my townhouse, but it's laid out a little better.  His frown deepens.  "But neither of us are exactly in the best place to be thinking about buying a new house.  Or even renting one."

I shrug.  "We'll figure it out.  We have a little time.  And it's not like we don't have options.  We've made your house work for now, though I've always had my place to go back to when I need a little space.  Otherwise I can probably stay here month to month until we can find something else, if we decide that's what we want to do.  I hope I'll have a job soon.  You have a job, it's just a matter of time before you're back to work full time.  It's going to be fine, we just can't be impulsive."

Alex rolls his eyes.  "As though you'd let us do anything impulsively."

"Some day you'll thank me," I retort.

"I doubt it," he replies, smirking.

"So, is this a thing?  Are we going to move in together?" I ask him.

He looks puzzled.  "Well, yeah.  I mean, isn't that what we just established?"

"You're really, truly okay with never getting married?  Or having kids?" I ask, studying his face for any hint of hesitation or uncertainty.

"Yes," he answers immediately.

"And you're not just saying that because you assume some day I'll change my mind?" I press.

"No."

"Because I know that you'd get married and have kids someday if you were with someone else," I say.

"Lauren, I don't want to be with someone else," he insists.

"Okay," I relent.  "I just know that getting married and having kids is really important to a lot of people."

"Those things aren't as important to me as being with you," he promises.  "And not getting married and not having kids are things that are important to you."  Then he grins as he says, parroting my words from earlier, "If that's important to you, it's important to me."