(Now) Savannah: The Apology

"Seriously?" I asked Kendra, rolling my eyes at her and huffing out a frustrated breath.  I was beyond irritated that she had just asked me if I'd be able to leave Olivia and Brody alone at the wedding.  "What do you think I am, an immature child?"

"Sometimes, yes," Kendra replied evenly.  "It's my wedding, Savannah.  The last thing I need is a scene.  And if you're the cause of it, how will that look?  You're a bridesmaid."

"No one there cares about me anyway," I muttered.  I sounded like a snotty, spoiled brat, but I didn't even care.

Kendra rolled her eyes.  "You should try apologizing then."

I'd had just about enough of this.  "Apologizing for what?  I didn't know that everything would happen."

She just looked at me pointedly.  It was clear she didn't believe that at all.  I glared back at her.  Kendra was supposed to be one of my best friends, but now I didn't even get invited over when she had people at her house, because Brody and Olivia got their stupid little feelings hurt.

"Look," Kendra said, her voice a bit gentler now, "They're happy now.  If you could just apologize and stay out of their relationship, maybe people would be okay with you coming back and hanging out sometimes." 

"Whatever, I'll think about it," I responded, before changing the subject.  And I did think about it.  I thought about how sorry I wasn't.  It's not my fault their budding relationship couldn't survive a short trip to Miami.  And anyway, it didn't seem like Olivia had even been too broken up about it.  She certainly didn't waste any time moving on, from what I heard.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was pretty miserable since the happy couple had gotten back together and that fucking stupid bitch Allie had ratted me out.  (She was going to pay for that, by the way.)  I no longer had Allie, and I couldn't hang out with Kendra most of the time.  No one else really liked me in that stupid little group, but they tolerated me at least, and it was worth it to see Brody.

So a week later, I walked into the bar where they were all doing their stupid happy hour and scanned the tables.  I spotted Kendra and walked over.  I needed to tell her that I wasn't able to get the Friday of the rehearsal dinner off.  she already knew I probably couldn't, so I could have just called her, but I needed an excuse to run into Olivia and Brody.  I cringed inwardly at the thought of them thinking that I wanted to apologize to them, but that was what manipulation was all about....letting other people think they have the upper hand.

I sat down and filled Kendra in, and we chatted for a few minutes.  I said hi to Alex and Lauren and Christian, but neither Olivia nor Brody were there.  I waited for close to 15 minutes but then I couldn't stick around any longer without looking suspicious.  I walked out, irritated that I had wasted my time.

***

I hate weddings.  But this wedding was giving me an excuse to stare at Brody in a tux, so it was probably the best wedding I've ever been to.  I frowned when I saw Olivia, Lauren, Kinsley, and some guy walk over towards him.   I felt a huge stab of jealousy when I watched Brody's eyes travel appreciatively up and down Olivia's body, and a second stab when he kissed her, briefly but tenderly.

My teeth ground on their own as I watched them.  Everything about their body language screamed that they were in love, from the way she leaned in to beam up at him to his hand resting lightly on her hip, where it had been since the second she was within his reach.  It was a vaguely possessive gesture, as if he was worried that everyone else would appreciate her dress as much as he seemed to (it was actually a really great dress, but she ruined it with her cheap-looking shoes). 

"Savannah!"  I turned, snapping out of my jealous daze.  Kendra's sister, Nikki, was looking at me impatiently.  "We need to go.  What are you even looking at?"

"Nothing important," I muttered, following after her.

The wedding was nice enough, but it was hard to pay attention standing in the stupidly uncomfortable shoes that Kendra made us wear.  I guess some people can't afford to pay a lot for shoes, but I think it's worth it so you don't feel like you're standing on broken glass after 15 minutes.  But of course, no one asked me.

I was seated at a table with a bunch of acquaintances from college, and dinner was painfully boring and uncomfortable.   I humored one of the guys who was blatantly hitting on me, because it helped me pass the time.  The whole time, I kept one eye on the table that contained Brody and Olivia.  I was irritated with myself for caring so much, but I thought maybe I could catch them at a good time and throw out my apology.

My chance came when I saw them walk out onto the patio together, a couple hours after dinner.  I hastily excused myself from...Chris?  Craig?  I can't even remember.  Anyway, I stepped quickly out onto the patio behind them, rehearsing my apology in my head.

Liv was hostile right off the bat, which surprised me.  I honestly didn't think she had it in her.  It threw off my plan, which left me a little irritated.  But I was even more surprised by Brody's response.  Even though his voice was calm, I could tell he was pissed and didn't want anything to do with my apology.

I got annoyed really quickly at their united self-righteous insistence that I was out to ruin people's lives, one unsuspecting victim at a time.  Could they be any more dramatic?  It was almost as bad as listening to Mother rant about how the poor people are responsible for all the bad things in the world. I lost my cool pretty quickly, and I knew this wasn't going to work.  So when Brody told me to leave, I was happy to.

I nearly ran over one of Kendra's cousins or something, and then I walked right into Chris/Craig/whoever as I came back in.  He nearly spilled his drink but quickly recovered to walk with me towards the bar.  I patronized him for about one and a half more drinks, and then I left abruptly for the dance floor.  I danced with some of the other wedding party members, and then everything after that is a little bit blurry.

I woke up in my hotel room, still in my bridesmaid dress.  My head was sore from sleeping on the bobby pins that were shoved into my scalp.  As I sat up, I realized I even still had one stupid, uncomfortable shoe on.  I shook it off and quickly laid back down.  The last time I had been this hungover was at Brody's cabin over the 4th of July weekend.

I looked at the clock, and saw that it was only a little after 8.  I needed to be down at brunch at 10.  I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to piece together the night.  I remembered talking to Brody and Olivia, then dancing.  I remembered dancing with Kendra's brother, Nick...  The rest of the night came rushing back to me as soon as I remembered dancing with, and trying to kiss, Nick.  I groaned to myself.  Maybe I'd skip brunch.

I went back to sleep, but woke up to my phone trilling shrilly a bit later.  I dug it out of my clutch and answered.  "I don't care how awful you feel, don't even think about skipping brunch," came Kendra's sister's voice.

"I doubt anyone actually wants me there," I croaked.

"That's probably true," she agreed, "But you'll be there anyway."  Then she hung up.  Bossy bitch.  I hauled myself out of bed and into the shower.  After fighting the urge to throw up, and then to pass out, I managed to get clean.  I pulled on some clothes and choked down some aspirin and half a bottle of water.

I stuck to myself and kept my head down during brunch.  I didn't eat much and as soon as it was socially acceptable, I went up to my room to pack my stuff up so I could get the hell out of here.  I was just about to leave when someone knocked on my door.

I pulled it open and saw Kendra standing there.  Thinking fast, I smiled and said, "Happy first full day of being a married lady!"

She glared and me and shouldered her way into the room, shoving the door shut behind her.  Shit.  "What in the fuck is your problem?" she snapped.  I forced myself to keep my face neutral.  Kendra hardly ever swore.

"Umm...." I offered weakly.

"Yeah.  I'd be speechless too if I were you.  You said you could behave.  And then you went and caused conflict with Olivia and Brody, tried to kiss my brother, and threw up all over the floor.  So fucking classy, Savannah."

"You're the one that told me I should apologize to Olivia and Brody!" I protested.

Kendra just stared at me for several seconds.  "Are you serious?  I didn't mean at my wedding.  And it didn't seem like a very effective apology."  She paused, waiting for me to defend myself.  But if there's one thing I learned growing up with Mother, it's when to keep my mouth shut.  This was a good time for that.  Eventually Kendra sighed.  "Everyone else is right.  I just kept giving you the benefit of the doubt but I'm done.  This friendship is done, Savannah.  The first thing you should have done when you opened that door was apologize, but all you can do is try to blame it on me."  And with that, she turned and walked out.

I sat down on the bed, fighting the urge to spit a nasty name after her.  I considered her final words.  Apologizing hadn't even occurred to me.  I thought about that for a couple minutes.  For some people, apologizing was an automatic thing.  But in my world, it just didn't happen.  Growing up in my home, apologizing seemed more like a sign of weakness than something you were supposed to do.  I thought a little longer, and realized that the only person I could think of ever apologizing to me was Brody.  And I had been so caught off guard when he had done it, so long ago, that I had reacted with hostility.

I sighed and grabbed my bag.  I wasn't fully convinced that Kendra was done with me.  She just needed a break.  In the meantime, maybe I can let Allie apologize for ratting me out.  Keep your enemies closer, right?