Resignation

On Monday I got to the office early and quickly typed up my resignation letter.  I printed and signed it and shoved it in my drawer.  I planned to talk to Jeremy at the end of the day.   I was nervous all day, and finally around 3 I decided I might as well get it over with.  I walked to his office and knocked lightly on the door frame.  He looked up and smiled broadly, and I felt guilty.

"Hi, Olivia, what's up?" he asked, gesturing for me to come in.

I walked in and sat down, then handed over my letter.  His face darkened a little before he even read it.  "Well," he said, when he had finished.  "I'm surprised and disappointed.  You're an excellent employee and therapist.  Is there anything we can do to keep you?"

"I got a really excellent offer, and the position I'm taking is fully office based, so probably not," I said carefully.

"That's too bad," he responded, frowning.  "Well, I appreciate you giving proper notice at least.  And I want you to know that if for some reason things don't work out there, you'll always have a spot here.  And if you ever need a reference in the future, I'd be happy to do what I can for you."

"Thank you, Jeremy.  I really appreciate that," I said sincerely.

I announced my resignation at Tuesday's staff meeting.  I got a lot of well wishes, but also a few dirty looks.  I understood how it felt to hear a resignation, so I didn't hold it against anyone.  Most of my coworkers avoided me for the rest of the week.

I went to happy hour for a little bit after work on Thursday to see Lauren and Kinsley.  Brody would probably be working until fairly late, so I figured I might as well be social in the meantime.

"Have you ever skied before?" Kinsley asked.  Brody and I were leaving in the morning for Breckenridge. 

I shook my head.   "Tried snowboarding once.  It was...um, not my finest hour," I admitted.

"Skiing is easier," Lauren assured me.  "But if all else fails, you can always spend the day in the spa!"

"That's what I figured," I said.  "I might actually just do that anyway.  I just want a weekend where we're not interrupted by Brody's phone at midnight and 6am."

"Is he still doing that shit?" Lauren asked.  I nodded.  "Is that what you have to look forward to forever?"

"He says it will get better.  I've never had my own business, so I guess I don't know what it's like.  I don't feel like we're at a point in our relationship that I can really demand that he pay more attention to me than what he's spent half his life working towards, though.  It's his business.  He's been working super hard, and he doesn't have a lot of people, so I get it...it's just a little frustrating sometimes."

Kinsley looked at me skeptically.  "But he needs to respect your time together," she said.  "You're both so busy as it is."  I shrugged.

"I'm trying to find the balance between being patient and supportive and getting what I want too," I explained.  With that, I changed the subject, not really wanting to defend myself (or Brody) anymore. 

The rest of happy hour was more comfortable.  Kinsley said that she was meeting Damien's family this weekend.  It was nice to see Kinsley so happy.  She talked excitedly about their plans.  She didn't even seem nervous.  I was impressed.  I left after being there for about an hour, because I still needed to pack for the weekend.

I was working on packing when my phone pinged and I saw I had a text from Brody.  "Be there in 20." was all it said.  I looked at the clock, surprised because I wasn't expecting him for another hour or so.

I greeted him cheerfully, but he didn't look happy. 

"I have to go back to Dallas tonight," he said finally.  He wouldn't meet my eyes.  I just stood there, staring at him.  He walked over to the couch and sat down, but I stood rooted to the spot I was in.

"Tonight?" I parroted.  He nodded, still not meeting my eyes.  "Isn't there someone else that can go?  You promised no work this weekend."  My voice was dangerously close to a whine.  I was starting to realize that he probably shouldn't promise no work, because it was a promise he just couldn't deliver on.  Part of me understood, but I was mostly just frustrated and angry. 

Finally, he looked up at me.  He met my stare briefly, then quickly looked away.  "I'm sorry," he said weakly.

I laughed bitterly.  "Sorry?" I mocked.  "Of course you are."  The words dripped with sarcasm, and I didn't even care.  I had done my best to be patient since our argument the weekend of Kendra's wedding, but the frustration of feeling like I was never a priority, not even a fraction of the time, was bubbling over. 

He looked up at me, surprised.  "I know you're upset--" he started, but I didn't let him finish.

"Upset?" I spat.  "Yeah, that's probably an understatement."  He shoved one hand through his hair.  He was clearly frustrated, but unlike me, his voice remained even. 

"I'm really sorry, Liv, I am.  But I have to go.  I wish I didn't."

"You have to?  Why?  Why does it have to be you?  It's always you!  What the hell is the point of even having employees if they don't do anything?"  I was still standing across the room from him, fighting the angry tears that were starting to pool in my eyes.

"They do things," he protested lamely.  "They do lots of things.  But I just can't ask them to drop everything and fly halfway across the country with no notice."

"Can't?  Or won't?  You don't have any problem asking me to drop everything so you can fly halfway across the country with no notice.  Maybe you're just too much of a control freak to let them do their jobs!"  I was purposely saying things to be hurtful now, and I was amazed at how quickly I had gone from 0 to name calling.  Fueled, perhaps, by my earlier conversation with Lauren and Kinsley.  Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I was acting like a petulant child about the situation.  But for some reason, I just couldn't stop.

Brody stared at me, his eyes hard now.  "Control freak?  Me?" He laughed a dry, humorless laugh that only made me more angry.  "This is ridiculous.  This is what I have been working my ass off for.  I'm sorry that I have to make sacrifices for my company.  My incredibly successful company that I have built practically single-handedly.  I didn't get to where I am by delegating, Olivia."  The way he spit out my name, my full name that he hardly ever used, made it feel like a weapon. 

"Congratulations, I'm so happy for you and your incredibly successful company," I snapped. I turned away from him so he wouldn't see me fighting my tears.  I took several deep breaths, trying desperately to regain control of myself before I said anything else stupid and hurtful.

"Liv," he said, his voice softer, but still with an edge.  "I'm sorry.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't blame you at all for being angry, but I can't help the situation.  It's a shitty situation, but sometimes it's the way things go when you own a business."  Neither of us said anything for what felt like several minutes.  I had plenty more I wanted to say, but I knew it would only make everything worse and I didn't want to say anything else I would regret.  I was bitterly angry and had little control over what was coming out my mouth at this point.

"What time does your plane leave?" I asked finally, still with my back to him.

"9:05," he replied.  I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at it.  It was 7:10.

"I guess you'd better go then," I said softly.  I didn't want him to leave, but I needed him to go before I did anything to make this worse.  His eyes narrowed briefly, then he nodded.

He stood and walked over to me, gently turning me towards him.  He brushed away the single tear that had escaped, kissed me on the cheek, and said softly, "I love you, Liv."  The immature, spiteful part of me wanted to remain silent, but luckily the rest of me is smarter.

"I love you too," I said, albeit a little stiffly.  He paused at the door, as if he was going to say something else, but thought better of it and left.  I fought the overwhelming urge to run after him and beg him to stay.  I was completely frustrated with the situation and still too angry to apologize for the things I'd said, but I hated that he was leaving the state with things between us like this. It sucked that he had to go to Dallas after he had promised no work, but I had handled the situation horribly.

As soon as I heard his car start up and back down my driveway, I sank down into a seated position with my back against the door.  I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on them.  I knew I was wrong, knew I had said things I shouldn't have.  I tried to talk myself into calling him and apologizing, but I still wasn't sure if I could do that without more venom working its way in, and the last thing I wanted to do was make the situation worse than it already was.  I decided to give myself some time to calm down, and try to get a hold of him before his plane took off.

I didn't feel like sitting, so I cleaned my kitchen.  Then I vacuumed.  Then I cleaned my bathroom.  I finally sat down around 9:30.  I'd been so absorbed in cleaning that I'd missed my chance to call Brody before his plane took off.  I read for awhile, then turned on the TV.  I was flipping mindlessly through the channels around 11 when my phone rang.  I thought it would be Brody, calling to tell me he got safely to Dallas, or maybe that he never wanted to talk to me again, so I was surprised to see Lynn's name on the screen.  It was after midnight in Wisconsin, and she usually went to bed early.

"Hi Lynn!  What are you doing up so late?" I said in greeting.

"Olivia, this is Kathy."  Kathy?  Why was Lynn's mom calling me?  And from Lynn's phone?

"Kathy?" I asked dumbly.

"Yes, dear.  Olivia, Lynn's been in an accident."  Her voice caught on the last word.