Kinsley: Liquid Courage

I wish I could say that I was able to just take Liv's advice and talk to Damien about what was happening in my head, but it proved to be even harder than I thought it would be (and I had known it would be hard for me).  I tried at least 4 times during dinner Thursday but I just couldn't do it.

So dinner was weird.  Stiff and a little awkward.  I resisted the urge to consume alcohol as quickly as possible to make it less weird, but I still drank a little too much.  I was embarrassed when I had to hand Damien my keys to drive us back to his house.  I also hadn't been sure about spending the night, but I got rid of the option by getting drunk.

Damien offered me his hand as we walked from the restaurant to my car, but I crossed my arms firmly across my chest and only wobbled a little.  I could tell that Damien was getting really frustrated with the way I was acting.  "Damien," I said, once we had gotten into the car.  This was it.  I needed to just tell him.  Liquid courage, don't fucking fail me.  "I..."  I froze.

"You what?" he asked gently.

"Thanks for driving," I said quickly.  "I owe you one."  Damn it.

"Sure," he replied.  I could tell he didn't believe that's what I was going to say, but he didn't push me.  I almost wished he would, but I also knew I'd be pissed if he did.  He couldn't win, and it wasn't fair.

We watched TV mostly in silence while I drank some water and tried to shake the last of my buzz.  Sitting here, quietly drunk, with a solid 3 feet of couch between Damien and I, I felt like the biggest disaster I'd ever been.  At least when I was sobbing on Sunday I was being real.

"I'm tired," Damien said finally.  "Where do you want to sleep?"

"What?" I asked, not sure I understood.

"Well, I just didn't want to assume anything...the guest room is ready, if you didn't want to--"

"I want to sleep with you," I interrupted.  As I trailed him to his room, I knew I had to bite the bullet.

Once the lights were off, I finally let him close to me--physically at least.  I laid on my side and let him press his chest against my back and loosely wrap an arm around my waist.  I laid there, silently, for several minutes before I rolled away.  Once I was settled, I said, "Damien?"

"Yeah?" His hand found mine in the dark and I loosely wove my fingers between his.

"I know I'm being weird.  I'm trying really hard not to push you away, but it's obviously not going well.  I don't mean to do it, and I know that it sucks.  I just wanted you to know that."

After a brief pause, he replied, "Thanks for telling me that.  Is there anything I can do differently?"

I shook my head vehemently, even though he couldn't see me in the dark.  "No, you've been perfect.  I couldn't ask for you to have handled everything the last few days better, even though I know the last couple have probably sucked.  It's my own shit, and I'm trying."  He was quiet, and I pushed forward.  "It was really scary when I realized how vulnerable I had let myself be.  As far as I've come, I wasn't quite ready for all that.  And I don't want you think that I don't trust you, or that I'm trying to keep you out.  I just...I can't.  It's hard."

"I appreciate that," he said.  "I don't know what to do, Kinsley.  I can assure you that nothing that happened so far this week changed my opinions or feelings about you in any way.  I'm glad that you're trying, but this is hard for me too."

"I know," I said quietly.

"I love you, and I want to know everything about you.  Even the bad stuff and the really fucking terrible stuff.  And as much as I try, it's hard not to take it at least a little bit personally when you shut me out completely."

"I know," I said again.

"But I know that you're trying, and I appreciate that. It helps to know what's going on in your head, so thank you.  I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad; I'm pretty sure you feel shitty enough already ewith everything that's been happening.  I just want you to know where I'm at, since you told me where you're at."

I didn't say anything for several seconds, then I flipped onto my other side so I was facing him.  I sucked in a deep breath, then said, "I went to see my mom."

"Is she out of the hospital?"

"Yes.  I went to see her at home.  I'm done."

"Done?" he asked.

"All she wanted to do was be passive aggressive and see you.  I told her that if she was ever willing to truly work on our relationship, I would put everything in the past and start over, but she needs to make the first move.  Then she called me a stupid little tramp and threw something at me."

"Sounds like the right choice," he said.

"What? Calling me names and throwing things at me?" I asked, smiling in the dark.

He chuckled.  "Of course," he replied.  "No, it sounds like you made the right choice."  I was relieved by his response.  It was validating without being sympathetic or patronizing, and exactly what I needed to hear.

"I feel like I did," I agreed.  I shifted around again and got into a position I could fall asleep in.  As suddenly as I had decided to volunteer the information about yesterday, I was done talking about it.  "I love you."

"I love you too, Kinsley," he replied.  He pushed himself up on one elbow so he could learn forward and kiss me, then we both settled into comfortable positions to fall asleep.

I don't think I moved all night, and when I woke up in the morning, an hour before I needed to be up, I stretched and rolled onto my stomach.  Next to me, Damien blinked sleepily, then smiled.  "Good morning," he said softly.

"Morning," I replied, smiling back.  He moved closer and began stroking my back, trailing his fingers from my neck, across my shoulder blades, down my spine to my lower back, and back up.  I sighed and shut my eyes, enjoying his gentle touch.  Eventually his fingers drifted down across my ass and to my legs.  As he dragged his fingers back up the backs of my thigh, he let his index finger slide up my inner thigh.

I moved over and rolled onto my side, pressing my back against his chest and providing Damien access to the front of my body.  He continued trailing his fingers lightly across my skin, dragging them over my hip, up my stomach, across my breasts, then back down.  He kept it up until I bent my top leg up and hooked it over his, providing a not-so-subtle hint about where I wanted his fingers.

He kissed my neck and shoulder as he stroked between my legs, quickly bringing me to orgasm.  I didn't even get a chance to recover before he pushed into me.  I cried out and arched my back against him as he started moving inside me.  Damien wrapped his arm around me, pulling me tightly back against him.  He moved slowly, keeping his mouth pressed against my shoulder.  After several minutes, he loosened his grip on me and moved his hand back between my legs, sliding his fingers in circles as he been to move faster.

We came within seconds of each other, Damien's teeth scraping against my shoulder as he shuddered.  He leaned heavily against me as we both caught our breath, our fingers tangled together beneath my body.  Once we'd both recovered a little bit, we moved around until Damien was on his back and I had my head on his chest.  I'd desperately needed this to reconnect with him after pushing him away.

I was starting to drift back to sleep when Damien said, "Call in sick.  Let's spend the day together."

I pushed myself up on my elbow and looked at him.  "Mr. Rule Follower wants to play hooky?" I asked, surprised.

He laughed.  "No, absolutely not," he said, pretended to be offended I'd accused him of such a thing.  "I spent so many hours working this week that my boss told me if I came in today he'd fire me."

"Ohhh, so you just want me to play hooky," I replied, smirking.  I frowned, considering this.  I'd taken a sick day on Monday, but we were slow at work right now, and I'd hardly had anything to do yesterday.  I also had a couple personal days I needed to use before the end of the year, because they didn't roll over like sick or vacation days.  "Let's do it!"

I sent a quick email to my boss, then we started our impromptu day off together by having sex again and going back to sleep.  I was not normally one for sleeping in very late, but it felt good after the week I'd had.  When I woke up, I rolled over to snuggle against Damien, but he wasn't there.  I pouted briefly until I heard the sounds of breakfast being made.  I got up and pulled some sweats and a t-shirt on and made my way out to the kitchen.

Damien was leaning against the counter, watching something cook on the stove.  "Pancakes?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist and peering around his shoulder.

"Pancakes," he confirmed, turning to face me.  He wrapped his arms around me and let me settle against his chest.  "You must have been tired," he commented.  "It's almost 10:30."

"Wow," I said in surprise.  I hadn't even looked at the clock or my phone.  "I guess so."  Damien asked me to get plates and silverware out.  He'd made pancakes, eggs, and turkey sausage.  I pulled a bag of grapes out of the fridge and washed some, then grabbed plates and silverware.

"What should we do today?" Damien asked, as we sat and ate our breakfast.

"Let's get out of the house," I replied.  "Hell, let's get out of the city."

"Sure," he agreed.  "Anything in mind?" I shook my head, and he suggested, "Let's just get in the car, pick a direction, and drive until we see something interesting."

I grinned.  "I like that idea."

We finished our breakfast and both took quick showers, then got in Damien's car and headed west, which we determined by drawing a card from a deck of cards sitting out on his coffee table.  Diamonds were west, and that's what we picked.

Our first stop ended up being for coffee, but after that, we pulled into the Lookout Mountain Nature Center parking lot.  It wasn't far from the city, but neither of us had been there.  We wandered around, walking both of the short, flat walking trails they had.  Then we got back in the car, drove back to Hwy 6, and continued west.  We drove through Windy Saddle Park and Clear Creek Canyon Park, stopping to check out the view or wander around a little a couple of times, then turned around and headed back along Hwy 40.  We stopped in Genesee to eat, then headed back into the city.

It was almost 6 when we got back.  We stopped and got a bottle of wine, a couple different kinds of cheese, and some expensive chocolate, so we could go home and pretend to be fancy while we sat on the couch in our underwear and watched Netflix.

I laid on the couch with my head in Damien's lap, my eyes half closed as he played with my hair and rubbed his fingertips lightly across my scalp.  "I needed today," I mumbled, trying to fight the sleep that wanted to take over after half a bottle of wine and delicious cheese and chocolate.  "Calling in was a good idea."

"Today was really nice," Damien agreed.  "Thanks for taking the day off and spending it with me."

I rolled onto my back and looked up at him, smirking.  "Thank you for doing something as wild and crazy as getting into the car and driving without a plan," I teased him.

He chuckled and shook his head.  "It was fun.  I'm not that type A."

"That's what you say," I said, grinning.  I couldn't believe how much better I felt after just talking to him about what had been going on in my head.  Even though I was still stressed about my mom and what I had decided, I felt so much more relaxed after spending the day having fun with Damien.

"You look like you're thinking hard about something," Damien observed.

I shook my head.  "No, I'm just thinking about how much of an idiot I was this week."  I sat up abruptly and looked at him.  "And I don't think I ever apologized.  I'm sorry.  I was really shitty to you, and you sure as hell didn't deserve it.  And even if you did for some reason, it still wouldn't have been okay."

"Thank you," he replied.  "I'm just glad you're feeling better about everything.  I hope you know that I'd do anything to help you manage something bad happening in your life, and it has nothing to do with 'fixing' you."

"Well," I admitted, "You can thank Liv for pointing out that there's a difference between wanting to fix something bad that's happening and wanting to fix me.  It was honestly not a difference that had occurred to me before that.  Everyone's always just wanted to fix me or feel bad for me, and I hate that."

"You made that perfectly clear," Damien replied, fighting a smile.

"And don't you dare forget it," I said, laughing.

And with that, we both returned our attention to the episode of Daredevil we were watching.  I appreciated Damien's ability to have brief serious conversations instead of wanting to drag them out for an hour (or more) like some people do.  It helped make them not quite as difficult, though I clearly still wasn't good at them.

I laid back down, and Damien's hand automatically returned to my head, his fingers dragging through my hair, gently untangling tiny knots until he made it all the way through without resistance.  This time, I didn't bother fighting sleep.