Lauren: Everything is Different Now

Happy Sunday!  Here is, as promised, a "thank you" bonus.  You guys have been asking for more Lauren and Alex so here is Lauren's perspective on her move.  I tried to do Alex's, but it just wasn't working so Lauren it is!  If you didn't visit yesterday because you weren't expecting a post until today, you'll find the most current post from the main storyline (along with some info about my plans for the blog for the forseeable future) below this post.  Thanks again for your patience, support, and general awesomeness!
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It's Sunday, and I'm sitting on my couch looking at Craigslist for the 17th time this week while Alex showers.  There's nothing new and exciting, and I sigh.  I scroll back up to the top of the page and start to go through again.  My lease is up in a month and my apartment complex is raising my rent $100 a month, which is ludicrous because I'm a good tenant.  For some reason, every other complex in my price range (and some out of my price range, even) has horrible reviews and ratings, and there is very little for duplexes, townhomes, or affordable single family homes available right now.  Anything that's available is either way more than I want to pay or is super sketchy.

"Looking again?" Alex asks.

I turn and see him coming out of my bedroom.  I had been so focused on my search that I hadn't even heard him get out of the shower or leave the bathroom.  But now he's standing in front of me and my search is forgotten because he's only wearing a pair of sweatpants, and I'm eye level with his perfect abs.  They're flat and lean with just a hint of cut--just the way I like them.  Six packs creep me out.  He takes my laptop out of my hands and closes it, setting it down on the couch next to me.  Grabbing my hands, he tugs me gently to my feet. 

"You'll find something babe," he says.  He's the only person that will ever be able to call me babe and escape with their life.  In fact, I kind of like it when he does it--not that I'd ever admit it.   "But it hasn't changed since you looked when you were still laying in bed this morning."

"You're right," I say miserably.  "It hasn't."

"So how about I distract you for awhile?" he asks, sliding his hands across my waist and squeezing my ass.  He keeps his hands there and pulls me against him.  When his lips touch mine, I deem his distraction successful...or I would, if I could even remember what it is I'm being distracted from.

Alex's mouth moves from mine and I shiver as it lands on my neck.  I groan softly as his fingers hook under the waistband of my leggings and start to tug them down.  Once I've stepped out of them, he turns us around so that his back is to the couch and then he sits, pulling me on top of him.  When I'm settled, straddling his lap, he pulls away long enough to tug my shirt over my head.  I run my hands over his chest and shoulders as he unhooks my bra, then gasp as he tugs on one of my nipples with his teeth.

When I go for his pants, he lifts his hips just high enough for me to slide them down.  He's hard and groans as I wrap my hand around him.  "Don't waste your time," he murmurs, shifting my weight closer to him so I can slide down onto him.  I grip his hair in my fists and tip his head up so I can kiss him as I start moving my hips against his.  He pulls away and says "Two can play that game," before grabbing a handful of my hair and tilting my head to the side so he can kiss and nip at my neck.  His teeth scrape lightly across my collarbone and I moan, moving faster.  Finally he slips a hand in between our bodies and slides his thumb against me, using his other other hand--no longer tangled in my hair--to keep my hips moving against his as I come hard.  After several more thrusts into me he tenses and groans, then drops his head down onto my shoulder, breathing hard. 

After a few minutes to catch our breath, I slide off Alex's lap and we rearrange ourselves on the couch.  I settle myself against him and weave one of my legs through his.  One of Alex's hands pushes into my hair and his fingers slide across my scalp.  I sigh happily and shut my eyes. 

They don't stay shut for long though, as my current conundrum comes rushing back to me.  "Alex, what am I going to do?  I need to figure this shit out, like yesterday." 

His fingers still for a second as he sighs softly.  I'm sure he's rolling his eyes at me too.  This has been occupying my mind for the last three weeks.  "Can you stay here month-to-month to give yourself more time to find something so you don't have to be so rushed?" he suggests.

"That would be a great idea," I retort, "If they weren't trying to charge an additional $75 a month for month-to-month on top of the $100 increase.  And $30 more to do a 3 or 6 month lease."

"Hey Miss Attitude, I didn't know you'd already looked into that as an option.  I'm just trying to help."

"Sorry," I mutter.  "I know you are. This is just all so asinine, I'm a good tenant.  I've always paid my rent on time, I never complain about shit, and I certainly don't break things.  I mean, I guess my cleaning leaves a little to be desired, but it's not like it's gross in here, just cluttered and a little dusty."

Suddenly, I feel so stressed and overwhelmed that I feel like I'm going to cry, which is ridiculous because I don't do that shit.  I press my face against Alex's  chest and take a deep, shuddering breath, fighting the tears.  "Hey, it'll be okay," Alex says, sounding bewildered at my sudden emotion.  "You'll figure it out.  I'll help you look.  I'll help you move.  It'll be fine." 

"Sorry," I mumble, my voice muffled by Alex's chest.  "I don't know what's wrong with me."   Alex says nothing, but his fingers continue to massage my scalp and I start to relax a little.  We stay like that for awhile and I wouldn't mind staying forever except I'm starting to get hungry. 

When my stomach growls, Alex laughs.  "Lunch?" he asks.  I nod and sit up, stretching and grabbing my clothes off the floor.  I walk to the bathroom to get cleaned up and ready to go and emerge 15 minutes later.  Alex is dressed and ready and we head out to find something to eat.

We're sitting at a table in one of the restaurants near my apartment when Alex says, "So, if you can't find anything, what about moving in with me?" He says it casually, but I almost choke on the drink of water I had just taken. 

"Ummm...." I say, trying to buy time to analyze what he means by "if you can't find anything."  Last resort?  Does he really want me to move in, or is he just trying to be nice because my almost-crying freaked him out?  That's a big commitment if he's just trying to avoid tears.  He raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something intelligent.  I let him down by saying, "Hmm, really?"

He chuckles.  "Yes, really, Laur.  Why not?  I have plenty of space, and I live way closer to your job and everything else than you do.  I have an extra bedroom that can be yours if you want your own space." 

I just stare at him.  He threw it out there so casually, so matter-of-factly.  And the funny thing is that a few months ago, I wouldn't have hesitated.  A few months ago, when Alex and I were just friends, I would have moved in with him in an instant.  But everything is different now, and what once would have been an awesome living arrangement isn't even an option I considered on my own. 

I mean, we haven't even defined our relationship.  We kind of don't need to, I guess.  We both know.  Neither of us are seeing anyone else.  Neither of us want to.  We are absolutely in an exclusive, serious relationship...but neither of us has said it out loud.  And now here he is suggesting I move in with him.  But only if I can't find anything else?  Is that even a real offer to move in?  In this moment, I hate that all this has turned me into the person that over-analyzes things to death instead of just looking at the facts.  Fucking feelings.  Just call me Olivia.

I realize that I've been silent for what must be an uncomfortable amount of time for Alex when he clears his throat and says, "Like I said, if you can't find anything else.  Think about it.  Let me know."  And then just like that, the conversation is over. 

Over the next couple days, moving is pretty much all I think about.  I still can't find anything.  I look at two places on Monday after work and one is in a super shady part of town, and the other is really nice except it has a bad musty, moldy smell.  Nope.  I'm starting to panic because I only have a few weeks to find a new place and move.  So of course, I spend most of Tuesday talking myself into moving in with Alex. 

Tuesday night I meet Liv, Kinsley, and Cassie for dinner and drinks.  They are the furthest thing from supportive when I tell them about my potential plan.  In fact, they're kind of assholes about it.  All of them.  Even Liv.  But, harsh as they are (and let's be honest, I've dished out plenty of harsh reality checks and advice in my day, so I probably deserve it), I know they're right.  Luckily, Liv comes to my rescue by offering me her second bedroom as an interim place to stay.  I've never loved her more than I do in this minute.  Or at least, as much as I do once I get over their rude reactions.

I talk to her briefly after dinner and tell her I'll look for the rest of this week, and I'll let her know next weekend if I want to move in.  We agree that I would then move in a week after that.  I figure that will give her a little bit of time to get the room ready, and then I'll hopefully have time to get everything moved.

On Thursday, I go home with Alex after happy hour.  "Everything the light touches is your kingdom," he jokes as he flips on the light when we walk in.  "Or, could be, anyway." 

"Hmm, actually," I start tentatively, "Liv offered her second bedroom for a few months."  I wait, watching him, trying to decide what he thinks of that.  A look of...relief? something else? flashes briefly across his face.  I can't quite decipher it, but I know it's not disappointment.  I've seen that look.  I know it well.

"That's nice of her," he says.  His tone is bland, diplomatic.  I can't read it.  It's actually a little irritating.  I raise my eyebrows, hoping he'll say more.  He does, but it's not what I wanted.  "So what's your plan?"

I consider asking him what he really wants.  Now that I have options, he can be honest if he doesn't want me to move in.  But I realize quickly that asking him that is a lose-lose situation.  If he really does want me to move in, I'll know that I'll hurt him by moving in with Liv.  And if he really doesn't want me to move in...well, as much as I hate to admit it, my feelings will be hurt.  Because even if I don't want to move in with him, I want him to want me to move in with him.  So I don't ask.  I don't really want to know.  Instead, I say, "I think I'm going to move in with Liv for a little while.  Hopefully in the spring there will be more things available." 

Alex nods.  "That seems like a good plan."  God, he could be a fucking politician.  His face is completely expressionless and there's nothing in his tone to give anything away.  "So you'll need some help moving some stuff, I'm guessing?"

I stare at him.  As much as I know it's a bad idea to ask him what he's thinking, it is driving me crazy that I can't read anything on his face or in his words.  "Stop looking at me like that," he says, finally smiling.  He reaches for me and pulls me against him.  "I think this is a good plan.  Remember when I told you I didn't want to push you into anything you didn't want?  Still true.  So relax."  Well at least one of us can read the other, I guess.  And it's completely infuriating because I still can't tell from that if he really did or didn't want me to move in.  But at least I know that he's (probably?  hopefully?) not upset by my choice.  I shake my head, trying to clear my warring thoughts out of my brain. 

"Then yeah, I guess I'll need some help moving some stuff.  Will you, please?" I respond finally.  Then I look up at him and smile, dying for some normalcy.  "I'll make it worth your while."

"Oh really?" he asks, grinning wickedly.  "And here I would have done it for free, out of the goodness of my heart.  Glad I have you to keep me from selling myself short!" 

I let out a silent breath of relief at the normal exchange, then roll my eyes at him and lead him towards his bedroom to make myself feel normal again in the only way I really know how.