4th of July

The next morning found my family (plus Brody) falling easily into the 4th of July routine that we'd had for so many years.  My mom, an early riser, got up early and went to the local parade route to find us a spot.  I slept in, because I was useless and crabby in the morning and everyone had a better day if I slept a little longer.  When I got up, Brody was already up and helping my dad get some snacks and drinks into a cooler.

I busied myself getting chairs together for us and loading them into my dad's car.  Brody came out in time to help me shove the last one in.  "So this parade is a big deal, huh?" he asked.

"It's a huge deal," I replied with a laugh.  "It's probably the biggest event of the year here."  Brody smirked, and started to say something, but I silenced him by kissing him.  "You should just keep that thought to yourself," I advised him.  "Don't want to piss off the locals."

"Definitely don't want to do that," he agreed, chuckling.  "Here, watch out."  He nudged my fingers away from the trunk of the car and shut it firmly.

We followed my mom's texted directions and found her along the parade route easily.  We set down the cooler and chairs and I pulled a bottle of hard cider out of the cooler.  "4th of July parades...the best excuse for day drinking that exists!" I said in response to Brody's raised eyebrow.

"So what time does this parade start?" Brody asked.

I pulled out my phone and checked the time.  "About 45 minutes," I replied.

Brody gave me a weird look.  "You guys really are serious about your parades."  I laughed.

"That's why we drink," I responded, reaching in the cooler and handing him a beer.  About halfway through the parade, we got up to wander down the street to find a local business that would let us use the bathroom.  After we found one, we headed back but only made it half a block before I heard someone call my name.  I paused and looked around.  It took a moment, but John made his way through the people and appeared in front of us.

"Hi," he said.  He looked at Brody and nodded.  Brody nodded back.  Such men.

"Hi, John," I replied.  We stood there awkwardly for a second before he went for a delayed, awkward hug.  I hugged him back and then asked, "How are you?"

"Good," he replied smoothly, quickly recovering his charm.  "You look good."  He looked from me to Brody, then back to me, and said, "I heard you guys are getting married soon.  Really soon."

"Good news travels fast," I said with a nervous laugh.  "Yeah, October 3rd."

He nodded.  "Cool.  Well, it was good to see you."  He looked at Brody and added, "You too."

"Yeah," Brody replied.  "Good to see you."

John lifted a hand in a half-hearted wave and then walked away.  "Well," I said, once we were on our way back to where my parents were sitting, "that was weird."

"Yeah, it was," Brody agreed.

We made it back to our spots and relaxed for the rest of the parade.  We went straight from the parade to the spot we'd arranged to meet Ken for lunch, taking my mom's car again.  I grew nervous as we parked and walked towards the restaurant.  Brody could tell, and he slipped an arm around my shoulders and said, "Don't worry.  If he's anything but perfectly well-behaved, we'll leave.  If you're uncomfortable, we'll leave.  I think it will be okay, though."

I nodded and smiled, trying to relax a little.  We were a little early, and Brody's phone rang as we waited outside.  He pulled out it, reaching to silence it, but then frowned.  "It's my mom," he said.  He held up a finger and I nodded.  "Hi, Mom."  He chatted for a few minutes, but I wasn't able to figure out what they were talking about.  When he hung up, he smiled.  "She just wanted to say she was sorry she couldn't come to our party, but that she's looking forward to meeting your parents at some point."

"Did she say why she couldn't come?" I asked curiously.

Brody shook his head.  "No, she didn't, but I'm guessing she just didn't want to travel.  She did so much of it when she married to my dad, she tries to avoid it if she can now."

"That makes sense."

Then he grinned.  "I also think that she's been spending a lot of time with the mysterious man she's been seeing.  I hope so.  I want her to be happy."

Before I could respond, someone spoke behind me.  "I have to admit, I was a little worried you guys wouldn't show up."  I jumped and spun around, startled because I hadn't heard Ken approaching from behind us.

"Sorry," he said, grinning sheepishly.  "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," I replied.  "I'm jumpy sometimes."  I regarded him carefully.  I could see the similarity to Brody in his features, but Ken looked much more like their father than Brody did.

Brody put a hand lightly on my lower back.  "Should we go in?" he asked.  Ken nodded.  Brody motioned to me to go first, and they followed me in.  We were seated quickly.

Once we'd placed our orders, Ken looked at Brody, then me.  "So, I should start with an apology.  I owe one to both of you, but especially you, Olivia."  He looked at me, and I nodded.  He sure did.  "The way I acted at Thanksgiving was completely inappropriate and out of line.  I'm sorry.  And I don't expect you to accept that apology, nor do I really even want you to.  You don't know me, and my apology should mean nothing to you.  But I intend to show you."  I nodded again, not sure what to say.

He turned to Brody, and the two of them regarded each other for several seconds before Ken spoke again.  "I feel like you and I have a lot of things to talk about, and this probably isn't the time or place.  But I'd like to be back in your life."  Brody nodded.  We both were apparently perfectly content to let Ken do most of the talking today.  "Actually, I want to be back in everyone's lives.  I'm moving to Denver.  Well, to Boulder, actually.  My job offered me an opportunity to transfer, and I'm taking it."

"Wow," Brody said.  He sounded uncertain, but he was smiling.  "That's...that's really great, Ken.  It'll be nice having you around.  At least, as long as you keep your shit together and you're nice to my future wife."

Ken laughed.  "I plan to do both," he assured Brody.  "But I don't expect you to take my word for it."

The rest of lunch was uneventful.  I invited Ken back to my parents' house for their cookout, but his flight left in a few hours so he was heading back to his hotel and getting ready to go.  We thanked him for flying in for our party and then he was on his way.

"That was kind of weird," I said, after we were back in my mom's car and on our way back to my parents' house.

"It was definitely unexpected," Brody agreed.  "It seems like he wants things to be different."  Brody didn't sound convinced and I didn't blame him.  This would definitely be an interesting situation to watch play out.  I had to admit that I was relieved Brody wasn't jumping right back on board with Ken.  I was willing to give him a chance, but I was still wary.

We got to my parents' house in time to help them do the last minute setting up, and then sit down and relax for a little bit.  I curled up next to Brody on my parents' outdoor glider/rocker bench and took a sip of my mom's "famous" (at least amongst 4th of July cookout attendees!) sangria.  I handed the glass to Brody to try, and he took a sip and wrinkled his nose, which made me laugh.  "Too sweet," he said, shaking his head and handing the glass back.

"More for me!" I said cheerfully.  "This hasn't exactly been the most relaxing weekend, has it?"

"No," he agreed.  "But I think it's been good.  It's certainly been interesting!"  We stayed parked there until guests started arriving.  I got up to help my parents with food but they shooed me back to the party, saying I should spend time with my friends and family since I didn't get home very often.  Jen, Jack, and Alyssa all came, as well as Lauren and Alex, and I watched them mingle with my friends and family happily.  Jen and Amy especially seemed to really hit it off.

Lynn made her way slowly over to where Brody and I were standing with Jen, Jack, Alyssa, Amy, Lauren, and Alex, and said, "I feel like I've spent so much time with you but haven't really gotten to talk to you."

"I know," I agreed, frowning.

Her face lit up and I cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to tell me what she was so excited about.  "I talked to my doctor after we talked about your wedding date, and she said we'd make some goals around getting me out there."

I grinned and hugged her.  "That's so awesome!" I replied excitedly.  "You should probably tell her you're going to need to be able to walk down the aisle, because I'm expecting you to be a bridesmaid."

"I'd be really terribly offended if I wasn't," she retorted.  "Plan on me walking down and standing for the ceremony."

"I'll plan on a short ceremony," I teased her.

She glared at me in mock anger, and then laughed.  "That's probably a good plan."

"What are you guys talking about?" Lauren asked, walking over.

"About the wedding you're going to be in in October," I replied.

"Oh," she replied.  "Wait, that I'm going to be in?  Did you just ask me to be a bridesmaid?"

I laughed.  "Yes, that's what I was going for."

"Well I'm glad you haven't completely lost your mind," she said.  "Who else?"

"I think just you two," I answered. "It's such a small wedding, you guys are the only people that I really want."

"Well, I'm just glad you didn't do something dumb to ask us, like make us cakes that say 'Will you be my bridesmaid?'"

"Not all of those things are dumb!" Lynn protested.  "I've seen some cute stuff.  But I'm also glad, because I don't want to eat any cakes that Liv baked."

"Hey!" I exclaimed.

Lauren and Lynn both laughed.  "No, she's right," Lauren agreed.  "You're a great cook, and you do cookies well, but you should stay away from other baked goods.  Baking is not your strength."  I pouted briefly until I realized that they were absolutely right.

My parents' house has the advantage of being within viewing distance of a couple different fireworks displays.  It was always so nice to not have to go anywhere at the end of the night.  It was a big part of the reason my parents did this every year.  Of course, it wasn't quite the same as being directly under them, but it was worth avoiding the crowds and the parking disasters that went along with going to the fireworks spots.

We ended the evening all piled onto two blankets on the lawn, looking around at the various fireworks being shot off.  When we planned this trip, I hadn't planned on being engaged or in the process of planning a wedding that was happening in three months (minus a day now, yikes), but I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate our engagement than with family and friends on one of my favorite holidays.

I Didn't Want it to be Weird

The plan for this week:  I have two more posts planned for sure.  One is from Brody's perspective, and will be up on Tuesday or Wednesday, and the other is a regular storyline post, which will be up Thursday or Friday.  At some point I'd like to get back to having some posts in reserve so I can actually keep a schedule, but for now I'll just keep letting you guys know.  You can always count on a post sometime on Sunday, and one at the end of the week, and I'm trying to get one up midweek when I can as well.  
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When we left after dinner with Brody's mom, my head was spinning, and I don't think it was just the wine we'd had with our meal.  Brody kept up a steady stream of chit-chat on the drive home and I tried to keep up.  He didn't seem to mind doing the majority of the talking and I gladly let him.

When we got home, I said, "I think I'm going to take a bath."

Brody looked at me carefully.  "Okay.  Is everything okay?"

"Yes," I said, smiling.  "I'm just a little overwhelmed by the last couple days and I need to wind down a little."  My inner introvert needed my "me time".

Brody kissed me softly and said, "Okay.  Want a glass of wine?"

"That sounds good."

He kissed me again and turned me towards the stairs.  "Go.  I'll open something and bring it up for you."

"And that's why I'm marrying you," I said over my shoulder as I walked up the stairs.  I heard him laugh as he went towards the stairs to the lower level to find a bottle of wine.

I had just settled into a bath with a lavender scented bath bomb when Brody knocked lightly on the door and stepped into the now steamy bathroom.  He handed me an almost completely full glass of wine.  "Well, that's a little more than a glass," I said with a chuckle, taking it gratefully.

"It's a liberal pour," he agreed.  He leaned down to kiss my cheek but I turned my head so our lips met instead.

"Thank you," I said.

He smiled.  "You're welcome, enjoy your bath." He left the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind him.  I took a long drink of my wine and then set it on the edge of the tub and shut my eyes.

I was in the tub long enough to have to drain some of the water and add more hot water to warm it up.  By the time I got out, dried off, and wrapped my robe around me as I walked into the bedroom, Brody was laying in bed playing on his phone.  I could feel his eyes on me as I shed my robe and pulled on one of his t-shirts that I had commandeered months earlier.  I hung up my robe and climbed into bed.  Brody set his phone aside as I laid down next to him and settled my head onto his chest.

"Feel better?" he asked wrapping his arms around me.

"Mmmhmm," I murmured, nodding.

"Good."  He stroked the back of my arm with one hand while he reached over and turned off the lamp.  "Tomorrow should be interesting."  During dinner we had rather hastily arranged brunch plans with Lauren, Alex, and Kinsley.  They were the only people that had responded.  I assumed Kinsley would bring Damien, as well.

"Yes, it should be," I agreed.  I yawned and we shifted into a more comfortable sleeping position.  It didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

I was still sleeping soundly when Brody's phone woke me up.  I fell back asleep as soon as he was out of the room with it, and barely woke up when he got back in bed.  I didn't wake up again until my alarm went off, telling us we had to get up and get ready for brunch.

I rolled over and groaned, and felt Brody sit up next to me.  I was constantly jealous of his ability to go from asleep to awake and moving so quickly.  He leaned over and rubbed my back.  "I'll shower first," he said.  I nodded, my face buried in the pillow still.  Not a morning person.

I laid there, slowly waking up, until I heard the shower turn off.  Then I forced myself into a sitting position.  By the time Brody emerged from the bathroom I was ready to get out of bed.  I took a quick shower, more to help myself wake up than anything, and dried off.  I got dressed quickly and put on just a little bit of makeup.

I could smell coffee as I wandered downstairs, and I gratefully took the cup that Brody handed me when I came into the kitchen.  By the time we made it to the restaurant for brunch, I was fully awake and excited to share our news with our friends.

We were the first ones there and we were quickly seated at a table for 6.  I texted Lauren and Kinsley to let them know where we were sitting.  We had just ordered drinks when Lauren and Alex arrived, and Damien and Kinsley came shortly after.  Once everyone was settled and had drinks, Lauren said, "Why didn't you guys come out last night?"

Brody and I exchanged glances, and Lauren furrowed her brow curiously.  "We were having dinner with my mom," Brody said.  Lauren looked at him like, "so what?"

"And then we went home," I continued, "Because we were both a little worn out from getting engaged."

Lauren's jaw dropped and Kinsley's head snapped up from the menu she was reading.  Alex grinned and held up a hand to high five Brody, which caused me to roll my eyes and laugh.  "Well let's see it," Lauren demanded, waving vaguely at my left arm, the hand of which was concealed under the table.

I moved my hand above the height of the table and Lauren grabbed it, pulling it towards her.  "Holy shit," she said, tilting my hand to admire the ring.  She looked up and Brody and nodded. "Nicely done."

"Thank you," Brody said.

Kinsley snatched my hand away from Lauren while Damien met my eyes.  "Congratulations," he said, smiling.

"Yeah, congratulations," Alex echoed.

"Thank you," Brody and I said at the same time, which made me laugh again.

"So, tell us how you did it!" Kinsley said excitedly.  I had told the story to Jen, so I let Brody tell our friends.

When he was finished with the story, Lauren said, "That proposal was perfect for you."

"It was," I agreed.  "But remember what you had to say about our second date?"  I smirked, remembering Lauren's words that hiking was a terrible second date.

"Well, yeah, because hiking on a second date is just wrong," she insisted.  "But you guys are a little beyond that now, aren't you?"  I chuckled and shook my head.

It didn't take long before Kinsley and Lauren were being bombarding us with standard wedding questions, like did we have a date in mind?  Were we going to do it here or in Wisconsin?  "Ease up," Alex scolded Lauren.  "They've been engaged for less than 48 hours."  Lauren pouted briefly before rebounding and easily changing the subject.

It didn't stop her from pelting me with more questions when we went to the bathroom a little later though.  "Lauren, I don't know," I said finally.  "We haven't talked about it yet.  I mean, a few weeks ago we'd kind of talked through what we wanted and didn't want, but we haven't talked about it since we've been officially engaged.  When we figure it out, you'll know."

"Okay," she said, shrugging.

It was beautiful outside, so after brunch, Brody and I wandered around a nearby park for awhile before heading home.  I called Lynn as he drove.  Of course, she knew it was coming because she'd given Brody some input on the ring, but he hadn't told her his plans.

"Hi, Liv!" she answered cheerfully when I called.

"Hi, Lynn," I returned her greeting.  "How are you?"

"I'm good," she replied.  "How are you?"  I was impressed with her ability to keep up a normal conversation, even though I knew she was probably dying to know if I was calling because he had proposed, or just randomly calling.

I tortured her a little by making normal chit chat for awhile, to see how dedicated she was.  She didn't say a thing to potentially give away the knowledge she had.  Finally, I put her out of her misery and said, "Well, I'm calling to tell you that Brody proposed--"

She didn't even let me finish before she said, "You whore!  You knew I knew and you were testing me to see how long I could last!"

I burst into laughter and once I had caught my breath I said, "Guilty as charged, you're an excellent secret keeper.  We might need to have a conversation about your loyalties though."

"By keeping his secret, I was being loyal to you," she argued playfully.  "You wouldn't have wanted the surprise ruined!"

"You're right.  Thank you for helping him.  The ring is amazing, and the proposal was perfect."  I told her the proposal story, which she had apparently tried to get out of Brody but he refused to share his plans.

"I was hoping you'd be engaged before you came home for the 4th," she said excitedly.  "What did your mom say?"

"She asked if I pregnant," I replied.

Lynn snorted.  "Of course she did.  Always a class act, that Karen."  We laughed.  We chatted for a couple more minutes then hung up.  When we got home, I sat next to Brody while he called Jack and told him.  Jack was surprised, but excited, and insisted on talking to me to say congratulations as well.  It was sweet.  Then I called Kendra, while Brody called Christian.  I listened while Brody called Kevin after that.

"Do you have work you need to do?" I asked Brody after he hung up.

"I always have work to do," he said.  "But it's Sunday."

I shrugged.  "That's true, it is Sunday.  But if you need to get some stuff done, I'm good with that.  We spent all Friday and all yesterday, plus this morning together.  I think you've earned some time to do some work.  If you wanted to, I mean."

Brody looked at me carefully.  "What will you do this afternoon then?" he asked.

"I have a few more phone calls to make.  I should call my parents again, and Amy.  I guess I should probably tell John before someone else does, and James.  Then I'll probably sit downstairs and read for awhile.  I'll be fine."  I silently willed him to agree.  I wanted to finish up my phone calls and decompress a little.  The bath last night had helped but I was wound up and needed some more alone time.

"Okay," he said, after studying my face for several seconds.  I smiled and kissed him.  He stood and wandered back to his office and I picked up my phone.

I called my parents first, and when they answered I started making my way downstairs.  My mom was much more excited today, and apologized profusely for her reaction yesterday.  She insisted I apologize to Brody on her behalf as well.  Then the questions started again.  When?  Where?  I patiently told her we hadn't figured it out yet, but once we had, she'd be the first to know.  When I got her off the phone, I called Amy.  She didn't answer, so I sent her a text with a picture of the ring.

I called James next.  I wasn't really expecting him to answer, but he surprised me.  "Hi, Olivia," he said, picking up on the third ring.

"Hi," I replied.  We hadn't spoken much since everything had happened with Cassie, besides the one night he'd been out.  Even that night we hadn't talked much.  "Um, I wanted to let you know that Brody and I got engaged," I said awkwardly.  There was a weird distance in our friendship now, but I still felt like he deserved to hear it from me and not from Damien.

"That's great, congratulations," he said warmly, evaporating some of my anxiety.

"Thanks," I replied.  He asked how he did it, and I repeated the story that I now felt like I had told a hundred times, even though that was a gross exaggeration.  He stopped short of asking all the annoying questions I had no answers to, and I was grateful for that.  We chatted for a few minutes and then I awkwardly asked, "Have you...have you talked to Cassie much?"

"Yeah," he replied.  "We talk a couple times a week.  I've seen her a few times.  She's working on getting things back on track, and she's doing well."  He paused for several seconds and then said, "She misses you, you know.  I don't expect you to forgive her, but if you ever did, she'd probably be happy to hear from you."

"I'll keep that in mind.  I'm glad to hear she's doing well," I replied, a little stiffly.  I don't know what I expected by asking.  We said goodbye shortly after and I hung up.

I looked down at my phone, dreading the next call.  I had debated in my head if I should call John and tell him or not.  I heard from him occasionally, and I was sure I'd see him at some point when we were back in Wisconsin in a couple weeks.  I had decided it would be less awkward for both of us if I told him myself prior to that.

I found him in my contacts, his number no longer popping easily into my head.  I hit send and waited anxiously while it rang.  He didn't answer, and I hung up without leaving a message.  I tossed my phone aside and grabbed my Kindle, settling onto the chaise in my little library.

I hadn't been reading long when my phone rang.  It was Amy, and she was really excited.  I repeated the proposal story for her and we talked about my upcoming visit.  We made some loose plans to get together.  Once we hung up, I was able to relax, getting sucked into my book.  I hoped that John just didn't call back.  Hey, at least I tried, right?

But, it wasn't that easy, of course.  Nearly an hour after I had called him, he called me back.  I took a deep breath and answered.  "Hey," I said.

"Hi, you called?  You didn't leave a message, so I didn't know if you needed something, or..." he trailed off, sounding about as awkward as I felt.

"Yeah, kind of.  I mean, I just wanted to let you know that my boyfriend proposed and I said yes, and I'll be back in a couple weeks and I didn't want it to be weird, so I thought I should probably tell you."  I stopped, recognizing that I was rambling like an idiot.

"Oh," he said.  I waited, desperately wanting him to say more.  Maybe this was a bad idea.  Maybe I should have let him find out from Amy or Lynn or someone else.  Would I have wanted him to tell me if he was engaged?  I honestly had no idea.

"Yeah, so I just didn't want it be weird, but I clearly failed at that, so..."  I filled the silence, willing him to say something to give me an out in this conversation.

"Well, that's great, Liv," he said finally.  "Congratulations."

"Thanks," I replied.  And then my mouth had a mind of its own, and I just kept talking.  "Look, maybe I shouldn't have called, I just didn't want you to find out from someone else and have it be weird, I guess I didn't really think about how it would go, I'm sorry if you'd have preferred for me to not call.  I just think--"

"Liv," he cut me off, chuckling a little.  "I'm not sure what you want from me.  I mean, It's cool.  I appreciate you wanting to tell me.  I think you failed miserably at making it not weird, but making things weird has always been one of your talents.  Your intentions were good.  I just don't have much to say about it, but I think that's okay."

"Yeah," I said.  "Yeah, of course that's okay.  I don't want anything from you, I just wanted you to know."  I stopped myself before I could ramble nonsensically any more than I already had.

"Alright, Liv.  Thanks for calling.  Maybe I'll see you in a couple weeks."

"Yeah," I repeated.  "Maybe.  Bye, John."  He hung up without saying goodbye, not that that was entirely out of character for him.  I rubbed my forehead and realized that by trying to make it not weird, I had achieved exactly the opposite.  This had been about as awkward as it could be.  I wished I hadn't called at all.

(Then) Liv: I'm Done

After the last debacle, I stopped trying to get John to do things with me.  I gave up.  It wasn't worth the fight.  John didn't initiate any plans either.  Our usual Saturdays looked like this:  him and I sitting on the couch, side by side (or sometimes I sat in the chair, or at the table), him playing video games or playing on his laptop and me doing homework or reading.  We'd order food or I'd cook, and that would be that.

It only took a few weeks to get me to my breaking point.  It was a Sunday, and it had been raining or snowing off and on all day for the past 3 days.  We'd been at his apartment the entire weekend and I was feeling cooped up and ignored and I was tired of feeling like completely platonic roommates.  Hell, we hadn't even had sex since the Saturday we'd fought about hiking.

"Let's do something the weekend of Thanksgiving," I suggested desperately, during a moment John wasn't playing his game.

He frowned.  "Like what?"

"Let's get away for a couple days.  We could spend a night in Milwaukee, or Chicago.  Do some Christmas shopping.  Just spend some time together."

"Yeah, maybe," he said noncommittally.

I wasn't going to let his lack of enthusiasm stop me, so I looked up some hotel rooms.  The prices were fairly reasonable and I told John this.  "Let's pick one and book it," I said.

He shook his head.  "Do we have to decide today?" he asked.

I stared at him, trying to figure out the best way to tell him why this was important to me.  Instead, infuriatingly, I started to cry.  This was my last ditch effort to make things better, and he just wanted to put it off--probably long enough that I'd forget or give up.  He sighed.  "Liv, why are you crying?" he asked, with about as much sympathy and concern as most people have for cockroaches.  He made no move to comfort me.

"Because," I said, sniffling and trying to get it together, "We never do anything but sit here and I want to do something.  I want to spend time with you."

"We spend time together," he protested.  "We've spent the entire weekend together."

I blinked and looked at him incredulously.  "Tell me one thing we've talked about or done this weekend that has any substance, then," I challenged him.

He rolled his eyes, and I felt my anger building.  "So what? You're going to sit here and try to make me feel bad by crying so I'll pay for a weekend away somewhere I don't even want to go?"

My mouth dropped open and the tears started again.  "I didn't say anything about you paying for it.  And if I wanted to make you feel bad," I spat between tears, "I certainly wouldn't do it by crying because you obviously don't give a fuck."

He laughed.  "Yes, tell me how I feel," he said.  "Tell me more things I don't give a fuck about, since you know what's in my head."

This pushed me over the edge.  "Me.  Our relationship.  Doing anything besides sitting on this fucking couch and playing video games.  Should I keep going?  I've got more."  My hands were on my legs and my fingers were digging into my thighs so hard that it hurt.  I glared at him through my tears and fought to keep my voice from rising to a yell.

"You're immature and impossible to talk to," he muttered.  He stood and tossed the TV remote onto the couch where he'd been sitting.  "Let me know when you're ready to have a grownup conversation."  He sauntered out of the living room and I heard his bedroom door shut.  Of course, he was careful to shut it in a perfectly civilized manner, so he could be the bigger person.  I think he actually shut it even more quietly than normal.

I sat on the couch stewing for about 10 minutes, then I grabbed my purse and left.  I drove through what now appeared to be mostly sleet and arrived at my apartment in 20 minutes.  I hated that he had moved to the other side of town, it was such a pain.  When I got home, I took a shower and then called Lauren.  I needed honesty.

"My long lost friend!" Lauren exclaimed, answering the phone.  Her voice, her excitement to talk to me, hell--even just the fact that she answered the phone, turned out to be too much, and I started to cry again.  I cursed myself for crying as easily as I blushed.  "Liv, what's wrong?"

"I'm done," I sobbed.  "I can't do it anymore."

"Breathe, sweetie," Lauren instructed me gently.  "Calm down and tell me what happened."

It took several ragged, hiccuping breaths before I was able to stop crying.  The story came pouring out.  I hadn't told Lauren much about how things had been lately, because I knew exactly what she'd say: dump the motherfucker.  She didn't get it though.  She didn't know what it was like.  She didn't know the good things, or how it hard it was to leave a relationship you'd put so much of your time, your effort, your love, and your self into.

"Jesus, Liv," she said when I was done.  "What the fuck is his problem?  I hate him.  Do you want me to fly back there and punch him in the face?  Because I will be on the next flight, and his face won't even know what hit him.  Literally."

"Don't hate him," I sniffled.  "It's not just his fault.  I'm not exactly an easy person to be in a relationship with."

"Oh no," she said firmly.  "Don't you dare even think about blaming yourself for this.  He is a rotten piece of shit and he's treating you like a child.  You deserve so much better."

"He's not awful," I said defensively.  "He's not.  He can be really great.  And I love him, Lauren."

"Why did you call me?" she asked patiently.  To an outsider, it would seem like a rude question, but I knew exactly why she asked.

"Because I needed your honesty," I admitted grudgingly.

"And my honesty is that he's a rotten piece of shit.  I can predict what's going to happen next.  He's going to call you...maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.  Either way, he's going to call.  He's going to apologize.  He'll tell you he was wrong, he's sorry, he loves you.  He'll offer to do what it takes to make it right.  He'll do it, too--for a week.  Just long enough to suck you back in, but then it will all fall apart again.  You've got to get out, Liv."

I was silent.  Part of me knew she was right, but it wasn't that easy.  "Look," she continued, undeterred by my silence, "You're going to do whatever you think is best right now.  I know that, I get it, I love you anyway. But someone needs to say this stuff to you.  You know that if you ever need anything, all you have to do is call.  I really will get on a plane, and I promise I won't punch him without your express written consent.  But if you need me, I'll come, okay?"

"Okay," I replied.  "I love you, Laur, thank you."

"I love you more," she replied.  "Don't let that asshole get you down.  You're better than that."   We said goodbye, and I climbed into bed.  It was only 6pm, but I was worn out from crying and being angry.  I thought maybe I'd just lay and relax for a little while, then get up and do a few things around the house.

Just laying and relaxing turned into crying myself to sleep, and I was startled awake by someone sitting down on the bed next to me.  I sat straight up and scrambled away from the weight on the edge of the bed.  "Hey," a soft voice said.  John's voice.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.  Can I turn on the light?"

I shook my head, then realized he couldn't see me.  It was dark.  Completely dark.  I looked at the clock and saw it was after 8. "No," I croaked.  My voice was hoarse from crying and sleep.  "Please."

"Okay," he said.  I stayed pressed against the wall, as far away from him as I could get.  He shifted so his back was to the headboard and he settled against it.  He seemed to realize that trying to touch me would be a poor choice, and he kept his hands to himself.  "I wish you hadn't left."

"You wish I would have stayed and cried on your couch while you locked yourself in your room to get away from my immature and impossible conversation?  Why bother?  I couldn't make you feel bad if you weren't watching me cry." I snipped back.  An alarm bell was going off in my head, and it was warning me that John was here to do exactly what Lauren had predicted.  Despite my earlier declaration that was I was done, I wasn't quite ready to let go--but that didn't mean I wasn't going to make him work for it.

"I didn't mean any of those things," he said.  His voice was impossibly calm and I hated him for it.  "I'm sorry.  I hate it when you cry because it makes me feel like a horrible person.  It's easier to pretend I don't care.  That's not fair to you, though."

"Very little about the way things have been going lately is fair to me," I replied.

"Okay," John said.  "Tell me what you mean."

I sighed and pulled my knees to my chest.  "Things suck, John.  They seriously suck.  Don't tell me you don't feel the same way.  It's boring, we never do anything, we're not even nice to each other.  We don't have sex, you don't listen to me, you take everything I say and twist it around to blame it all on me."  Before the words even finished coming out my mouth, I knew that how he responded to this would help me decide if I was done or if I had a little more left in me to fight for this relationship.

"You're right," he replied.  I should have expected it, but I didn't.  I wasn't prepared for that response.  "You're absolutely right.  But I love you, Olivia, and I want to fix this.  Let's fix it."

That crumbled the tiny part of me that was resolved to end this tonight.  Instead, we sat in the dark and we made a plan.  A plan to pay attention to each other, and to do things, and to talk more openly about our feelings.  I felt good when we were done.  And then we had the best make up sex we'd ever had.

It was enough.  Enough to make me hold on for just a little bit longer.  But, as Lauren had hypothesized, he did great for a little longer than a week, and then it dropped off.  A few weeks later I had, once again, given up.  He did nothing to pick up the slack.  He didn't even seem to notice when I stopped making an effort.

The final straw happened on a night we were out, a mere week before Christmas.  Of course, we were out because his friends wanted to go out, not because I wanted to.  He paid little attention to me, which was fine because I was chatting with our friends.  But when a random guy came up and struck up a conversation with me, while John was 4 feet away, he didn't even blink.  He didn't care.  I openly flirted with this guy, touching him and letting him touch me.  I giggled and leaned towards him, and did all the things I was usually far too awkward and embarrassed to do.

John barely even cast his eyes in our direction.  Later, walking home, I waited for him to make a snide comment about it.  To be mad.  He wasn't.  I knew at that moment that he just didn't care anymore.  When we got my apartment, I turned to him and said, "I'm done."

"Done with what?" he asked, looking confused.

"This.  Us.  I'm done, it's over."  I surprised myself with how calm I felt.  That's how I knew it was the right choice.  I shivered slightly in the cold, and hoped this went quickly.

"Can we talk about this?  You have the absolute worst timing," he said, sighing heavily.  I cocked an eyebrow.  "Christmas is next week.  What am I supposed to tell my parents?"

"If your biggest concern is what you're telling your parents, you should probably just go home, because there's nothing left to talk about," I replied.  My voice shook slightly, but it was purely in response to the cold wind that had just whipped down the street.

"Home?" he asked incredulously.  "How am I supposed to get home now?  It's not like I live 5 blocks away like I used to."

"Take a cab," I suggested flippantly.  I turned to walk into my apartment and he grabbed my arm.  I turned back and glared at him.  "Let me go."

"If I'm taking a cab because you're pissed, the least you could do is pay for it."  His voice was casual, but his eyes glinted coldly in the yellow glow of the street light.

"Oh, fuck you," I growled.  I yanked my arm, trying to pull it out his grasp but he tightened his grip and laughed.  Now I was getting a little nervous and I pulled again.  "John, let go," I said again, and my voice rang out shrilly in the cold air.

"You don't actually think I'd hurt you, do you?" he asked sarcastically, pretending to be hurt and disappointed.  He let go abruptly, causing me to stumble backwards a step.  I stared at him for several more seconds, wondering what had happened to the nice person I'd been friends with for years, before I spun and quickly let myself into my building, pulling the door shut firmly behind me.

Once I was in my apartment, I felt relieved for nearly a minute until I remembered that he had keys.  I quickly slid the chain across the door and hoped that he'd stay away.  He had cared so little about me actually breaking up with him.  All he was worried about was how he was going to get home, what he was going to tell his parents, and fucking with my head one last time.

I was surprised, because I wasn't sad.  Instead, I felt relieved.  I got in the shower, like I always did after fighting with John, and I stood under the hot spray until it wasn't hot anymore.  I got out, dried off, and fell into bed without bothering with pajamas.  That night, I slept better than I'd slept in a year.

(Then) Liv: Maybe

Hey guys!  I was planning to post a regular storyline post tonight, but I ended up at work way later than I planned and I don't feel like finishing it tonight.  So instead, I'm posting Liv's backstory post because it's finished.  I will post a regular storyline post on Friday! 
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"John," I said, waiting for him to look up from his stupid video game.  He had been playing since before I even got up this morning, and now it was after noon.  I had waited hours hoping he'd at least take a break and I could talk to him about doing something today, but he hadn't pulled his eyes from the screen.  Except, conveniently, when I was in the shower, when he must have paused it long enough to get a snack, because a dirty plate and fork were hanging out next to him on the couch.  I waited several seconds with no response.  "John!" I said again, impatiently.

After several more seconds, I got a distracted, "Yeah, babe?"

"Let's do something."  Several seconds went by without even an acknowledgement that I had said anything.  I sighed.

"What?" Now he sounded irritated.

"Let's do something," I repeated.  Sometimes I thought I should just make a recording of myself so I could play it over and over instead of just repeating myself.

"Hmmmm," he replied.  When I stood there silently and didn't respond, he finally said, "Like what?"

"I didn't have anything specific in mind," I admitted.  "I just want to get out of the house.  This is the only week I don't have anything due at school, which makes it the only weekend I won't be doing homework all weekend.  I don't want to sit here all day.  We could go find somewhere new to eat, or go to a movie, or I don't know."  Of course I had already mapped out my entire semester's worth of assignments.  I had to plan my free time carefully.

"Yeah, that sounds good," he said, clearly not listening.

Completely frustrated, I walked over and stood in front of the TV.  "What the fuck, Liv?" he snapped angrily, leaning to the side to try to see around me.  When I didn't move, he stabbed at a button on the controller and tossed it to the side with obvious irritation.  "We can do something, just not a movie.  Figure out what you want to do, and we'll go. But in the meantime, can you please get out of the way?  I can still die when it's paused."

I took a deep breath to quell my frustration and stepped out of the way.  I walked into my bedroom to give myself a couple minutes to gather myself and calm down.  This was the losing battle I'd fought with John all summer.  I wanted to enjoy my weekends during the three short months I didn't have class, and he wanted to enjoy his.  Unfortunately, we had very different ideas of what constituted an enjoyable weekend.  It hadn't been nearly as big of an issue for the last 7 weeks, since I'd been in school and had plenty of homework to keep me occupied all weekend since I didn't really have time during the week between actually going to class and working.

When I could talk and smile at the same time again, I walked back into the living room.  John looked up at me briefly when I walked in and I took advantage of the opportunity to say, "Let's go hiking.  It's so nice out.  We won't have many decent days left."  It was late October and unseasonably warm.  It was the perfect day to take advantage of some of pretty good trails that lay just a short drive out of the city.  We'd had a frost a couple weeks earlier, which meant no bugs, and the leaves would be falling soon but for now were beautiful.

He returned his eyes to his game and made a face.  "I don't really want to."

"Seriously?"

"What?" He glanced up at me again, and the irritation was plain on his face.

I tried to keep my frustration in check so I could explain why I was irritated.  "You told me to think of something and we'd do it.  You don't have any suggestions, but you don't like the ones I had."

"Look, just because I said to think of something doesn't mean I was just automatically agreeing to whatever it was you decided you wanted to do.  I meant for you to come up with some ideas and maybe I can pick something.  I don't actually feel like doing anything, but if you really want to go out, we can.  Especially if the alternative is you stomping around here like a brat all day."

I stared at him.  "Stomping around like a brat?" I parroted back in disbelief.

"Is this what you want to fight about today, Olivia?" he asked, giving me that condescending look he was so good at.  "If you want to go hiking, call a friend.  Or think of something we'd both like to do."

"Well, since I don't want to play video games, I guess that's pretty unlikely," I spat.  He had pushed me past my breaking point, and I knew he wouldn't want to do anything I might suggest.

He laughed.  "Nail in your coffin, babe.  I'm out.  If you want to do something today, I suggest you get on the phone and find someone else."  Then he turned his attention completely away from me and back to his game, and it was clear we were done. I spun and walked to my room, fighting the urge to stomp the whole way.  Once I got there, I realized I had left my phone on the coffee table and went back out, face red.  So much for my exit.  John smirked at me as I grabbed my phone off the table and stormed out again.   "I hope you find someone, because the stomping is already old," he called after me.  I wasn't even stomping.  He'd know if I was stomping.

I sat down on my bed and toyed with my phone.  Lynn was working today.  I opened my contacts and tapped the screen over Amy's name.  "Hey, Livvers!" she answered cheerfully.

"Ugh, stop," I protested my hated nickname.  She laughed.  "Wanna hike?" I asked.

"Yes!" she replied happily.  "It's perfect out.  Where should we go?  Is John coming?"

I snorted.  "No, he's most certainly not."

"Uh oh," Amy responded.  "Okay, well where should we go?"  We discussed for a few minutes and settled on a place not too far, since we were rapidly running out of daylight.

"I'll pick you up," I said, and we hung up.  I quickly changed and grabbed my small daypack.  I walked back out into the living room, where John was still playing his game.  "Are you planning to stay here or do you want a ride home?" I asked.

"Well, I want to finish this game, but I was going to go home after that.  Can't you leave your car?"

I stared at him.  Seriously?  "No, I'm driving."  And why would I leave my car for someone that I was just fighting with?

"I guess I'll just stay then, unless I can get TJ to come get me later.  Maybe he'll come play for awhile."

"John, I don't want your friends over here when I'm not here," I said, for probably about the thousandth time.  The last time he'd had a friend over to my apartment while I wasn't here, I ended up coming home to find someone I didn't even know passed out on my couch and a pizza in the oven, cooked about 15 minutes past the point of edible.

"Okay, okay," he replied, rolling his eyes.  "Then if TJ comes to get me, I won't let him come up.  Happy?"

"Sure," I muttered.  "See you later."  He lifted one hand in a half wave as I let myself out, leaving him playing video games in my apartment while I went out to enjoy the nice day.



"So what's the deal with John this time?" Amy asked, throwing her bag in the backseat and sliding into the passenger seat.

"Same shit, different day," I sighed, pulling away from the curb.  "He didn't want to go do something today, but he would have, for me." I rolled my eyes as those two sarcastic words left my mouth.  "Except he didn't actually want to do any of the things I wanted to do.  And he didn't have any suggestions, either.  And then he was just such a dick about it.  He has this way of talking to me that just makes me want to break things.  He never yells--never.  He'd never raise his voice at me.  But the things he says, and the way he says them...I don't know how to explain it.  It's like he's so put off that I would even bother him with my feelings or things I want.  It's condescending.  I feel like he's scolding me like I'm a little kid."

One time I'd tried to explain to him that the way he talked to me upset me, but it was so hard to explain that I ended up flustered and didn't do a very good job.  He quickly explained it away by accusing me of being irrational and taking things too personally.  And then, as he always did, he took the opportunity to turn it around and give me a laundry list of things I did that he didn't like.  I walked away from the conversation feeling defeated, like I was crazy, and wondering if maybe I was a little hard to live with.

"Remind me what you like about him?" Amy said, wrinkling her nose.

I sighed.  "I love him, Ames," I said.  "It's not always like this.  He can be great.  He's been so supportive of me going back to school, and we have fun together.  He just gets in these moods, and it sucks."  Amy looked perfectly skeptical, and I changed the subject.  I didn't want to spend my day whining about my crabby boyfriend.

We ended up having a great afternoon hiking on one of my favorite trails.  I was feeling much better by the time I dropped Amy off and returned to my apartment.  I was surprised to hear the shower running when I let myself in.  I was in my room, peeling off my sweaty shirt, when John got out of the shower and walked in, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Well, that's a sight for sore eyes," he commented, his gaze drifting over my sports bra and down my stomach.

"Are you done in the bathroom?" I asked.  "I'm disgusting.  It was way warmer than I thought it was going to be."

"I like you all sweaty," he replied, catching my wrist as I tried to walk past him.  He tugged me towards him.

"Can you just give me a few minutes to shower, please?" I asked.  I was a little irritated that he wanted to have sex with me after the way he'd talked to me earlier, and I really did feel gross.  But I
didn't want to fight with him anymore tonight, so I tried to push my irritation away.  And in order to do that successfully, I needed a shower.  Really, really soon.

But he kept his grip on my wrist and pulled me closer still.  "Mmm, you can shower later," he suggested.  "I missed you today, and you look so good right now."

I yanked my wrist out of his grasp.  "I'm taking a shower," I said through gritted teeth.  I was trying so hard not to lose my cool, because I couldn't handle any more arguing today.

"What is your deal?" he asked, completely oblivious.

"'My deal' is that you completely blew me off earlier when I just wanted to do something with you.  You were rude to me, and you let me leave without so much as an apology.  Then I come back, and I just want to take a shower, and you expect me to want to have sex with you?  After the way you talked to me earlier?"

He held up his hands and took a step back.  "Go take a shower then," he said curtly.  Then he turned and pulled some clothes out of his drawer in my dresser.  I gladly walked out and to the bathroom.

I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and stood there for a long time.  I hoped that John would be gone when I got out, even if it meant that he had taken my car.  Sometimes I felt like I was desperately clinging to the last pathetic strings of this relationship, but then John would do something that made me fall in love with him all over again.  It was almost worse that way.  If he was awful all the time, my choice would be easy.

When I got out of the shower, I could hear my TV.  I knew that meant John was still here.  Even when he was being an idiot he still had enough courtesy to turn off my TV before he left.  I walked quickly to my bedroom and changed.  I dried my hair and got in bed with a book, even though it was only 8pm.  I didn't want to talk to John.  I didn't want to fight with him.

I read for nearly an hour, then I decided to just go to bed.  I turned off the light and settled into bed, turning my body towards the wall.  20 minutes later, I was still awake.  I wanted nothing more than to be asleep before John came in, but just seconds after I had that thought, the door slid open.  I was careful not to move.  Maybe he'd think I was asleep and he'd go away quietly.

I steeled myself when he climbed into bed next to me.  He pressed his body against mine and wrapped an arm around my waist.  I had to consciously force my muscles to stay relaxed, because their natural instinct was to stiffen.  "Liv, baby, I'm sorry," he said softly.  "You're right, I was an asshole.  I don't know what my problem was earlier.  I was trying to avoid fighting about it when you came back, but I fucked that up too.  I don't want you to be mad at me."

I laid silently for several seconds.  I wasn't trying to make him squirm, but I wasn't sure how I wanted to respond.  Finally I said, "Okay, thanks for apologizing."  There wasn't a whole lot of feeling in my response, but he nestled his head into the crook between my neck and shoulder anyway.

"I love you, Livvy," he said.

"I love you too," I replied.  I waited for him to say more, but he was apparently satisfied that I wasn't mad at him anymore.  He pressed his lips against the back of my neck, and when I didn't immediately respond, he moved them lower.  He let his lips travel the back of my neck and my shoulder until he found the spot that made my tense muscles start to relax.  I felt him smile against my skin as he concentrated on that spot, and I silently cursed my body for betraying me.

I wasn't at all in the mood, after the way the day had gone, but I forced myself to relax and focus on his lips against my skin, his hand that was now traveling up my leg.  Soon, I gave into the sensations and was able to temporarily forget about how pissed I had been just an hour earlier.  But his efforts to seduce me stopped as soon as he got my body responding to his touch, and 10 minutes later he was kissing my cheek, saying "goodnight, babe," and leaving me alone and unsatisfied in my bed.


The next morning, I woke up just as alone as I had fallen asleep.  Only this time, I smelled breakfast.  I got up, pulled on a sweatshirt, and stumbled out of my bedroom.  I squinted at the light in the kitchen and rubbed my eyes.  "Good morning, baby," John greeted me cheerfully.

"Morning," I replied sleepily.

"I'm making breakfast," he said needlessly.

"I see that, thank you."  I wandered further into my tiny kitchen and watched him make French toast and scrambled eggs.  There was a plate of bacon draining on the counter, and I opened the fridge.  "Is there any sausage?" I asked

"Sausage?" he asked.  I nodded.  "No, I only got bacon when I picked stuff up last night."  I almost laughed.  No matter how many times I told him, he could never seem to remember that I didn't like bacon.  But it wasn't something that upset me much, because I knew he preferred his eggs fried, but still made them scrambled because that's what I liked.  He could have his bacon.

"Did you go out to get this stuff after I went to bed?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.  "I feel really bad about yesterday.  If you still want to do something today, we can do whatever you want."  This was his pattern.  He'd be a jerk, try to pretend it didn't happen, blow me off when I got pissed, then feel bad and try to make it up to me.  I knew this was his pattern.  I knew that he was only doing this so I wouldn't be mad, and that he'd do the same shit again next week, or maybe the week after.  The problem was that his efforts to make it up to me were actually really effective.

Breakfast was really good, and I thought about what I wanted to do.  I considered going to a movie, but then remembered that John hadn't wanted to do that yesterday.  I quickly nixed that idea, because even though he said we could do whatever I wanted, I didn't want to chance wasting the last day of my weekend arguing with him.  I still wanted to go do something, but it was cloudy and looked like it might rain.  I ended up suggesting we just run out and rent a movie and get some snacks.  John liked that idea, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Maybe we could even have a good day.  Maybe.

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This was going to be the last Liv backstory post but I realize it leaves some questions unanswered still.  I'm working on one more!

(Then) Liv: Hey, Jealousy

Just a head's up.  I'm currently on an awesome girls' weekend trip with a couple of my most awesome friends.  If I get some time to write, I'll get the next post up on Sunday, but it's more likely that it will come sometime (probably evening) on Monday.  Enjoy your weekend, everyone!
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I was awfully glad I'd taken Lynn's advice to "do something crazy."  John and I were out celebrating our one year dating anniversary.  We'd had our ups and downs, but things were definitely more up than down.  Right now, they were especially up, because John had planned a really amazing night out for us for our anniversary.

I was taking a drink of wine when I heard a sort of familiar voice say my name.  I looked up and almost choked when I saw Colin standing in front of our table.  "Colin," I said, once I'd recovered.  "Wow, hi."  I hadn't seen Colin in well over two years.  I looked at John.  "Do you guys know each other?"  John shrugged.  I quickly introduced them, and Colin stuck out his hand.  John waited just a bit too long to shake it.

"Yeah, I think we met once or twice," Colin said.

John made a face that I think was supposed to be confused, but I knew it wasn't genuine.  "Hmmm, I don't remember," he said.  "Sorry."  I gave him a weird look and he shrugged.

I turned back to Colin.  "How are you?  What have you been up to?"

He replied, telling me about his job and some traveling he'd done.  He was starting to ask the same question to me when John interrupted and said pointedly, "We're actually here for our anniversary dinner."

"Oh!" Colin said.  "Well, I'll leave you to it."  He looked at me and said, "My number is the same, we should catch up some time."  Then he turned to John, smiled, and said, "Good to see you again."

When he was gone, I looked at John.  I was ready to ask him what that was all about when John said, "You're not actually going to call him, are you?"

I blinked in surprise.  "Um, I mean, I haven't really had a chance to put any thought into it.  Probably not, he's not really someone I want to be friends with at this point.  It was just good to see him.  And what was up with that?  You have definitely met him."

"I know," he replied.  "I don't want you to call him."  There was an edge to his voice that I didn't recognize.

I was shocked.  He'd never acted like this about other guys before.  I had a couple fairly close male friends in our social circle, and he didn't have any issues with that.  "I already said I probably wasn't going to," I pointed out.  "I am really confused why you're acting like this."

He narrowed his eyes.  "I'm acting like this because your ex just rolled up to our table and interrupted out anniversary dinner to get all friendly with you, and you sat here and flirted right back with him."

I huffed out a frustrated breath.  "First of all, if that's flirting, then I also flirted with the waitress, the host, and the person I talked to at the cable company today about my shitty internet.  And he's hardly my ex.  We hung out for a month.  I wouldn't even say we were dating."

"You slept with him."

I had to make a conscious effort to keep my jaw from dropping open.  I couldn't believe him.  "Once," I sputtered, fighting to keep my voice at an appropriate volume for the nice restaurant.  "And sleeping with someone doesn't make them an ex.  I can't even believe we're having this conversation, especially when we're supposed to be celebrating our anniversary."  I dropped my fork onto the table and let my gaze slide to the side.  I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm down a little before I lost it in the middle of the restaurant.

"You're right," he said, and his voice had returned to normal.  No more strange, hard edge to it.  I looked up and he was smiling at me.  "I'm sorry, Livy, I shouldn't have said anything.  I'm being a little ridiculous.  Let's forget about it and enjoy the rest of our dinner, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I replied.  I agreed because I didn't want to drag it out or argue right now, but I was completely confused.  He smiled at me, a brilliant smile, and returned to his dinner.  Not knowing what else to do, I picked up my fork and kept eating.

A couple minutes later, John said, "You're awfully quiet."

"Oh," I replied.  "Well, I'm just...eating."  He raised his eyebrows and looked at me skeptically, then launched into a story about something that happened at work earlier in the week.  I continued to eat my dinner quietly.

As we were walking out, he put an arm around my shoulders and gently said, "Hey, you're not still upset from earlier, are you?  I'm really sorry, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Um..." I said, not sure how to answer.  I wasn't upset, but I was a little confused.

"You're not really going to stay mad about that after I apologized, are you?  Come on baby, it's our anniversary."  He pulled me closer and kissed the side of my head.  "I love you, Livy."

"I love you too," I replied, finally relaxing against him.  I decided to just let it go.  It's not like it was a regular thing, and he'd apologized, so it didn't matter.

And it didn't happen again.  At least, it didn't happen again for a few weeks.  We were out with our friends one night and Paul had pulled me to the side to ask me a question about my job, because he had a friend that had just graduated and was looking for similar work.  It was loud and crowded in the bar we were in, so we were standing close and I had my hand resting on his arm as he leaned towards me so I could hear him.

I was concentrating on what Paul was trying to say, so I jumped a little when I felt someone take my arm by the wrist.  I looked up to see John lifting my hand off Paul's arm and sliding it around his own waist.  "Telling secrets?" he asked, feigning casual curiosity.

"No, just asking Liv a couple questions about her job.  It's easier to hear over here," Paul explained, raising his voice to be heard.

"Hmmm," John replied, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that heard him.

Paul nodded to me.  "Thanks for the info, is it okay if I give her your number?" he half-yelled.  I nodded and we made our way back over to the rest of the group.

I could feel John watching me on several occasions through the rest of the evening.  A few times he inserted himself into conversations I was having, effectively ending them.  The more he did it, the more I tried to ignore him.  The more I ignored him, the more he did it.  Finally, I just told him I was ready to go.

"So what was that?" John asked once, we were walking towards his apartment.

"Good question," I replied, looking at him pointedly.

He snorted.  "Don't look at me, sweetheart.  You were the one in there talking to the entire bar."

"I didn't realize you'd placed restrictions on who I could talk to," I muttered, crossing my arms petulantly.

"I don't care who you talk to, but have a little respect for me.  You sneaking off to have a private conversation is embarrassing."

I clenched my fists and then spread my fingers as wide as they'd go while I sucked in a deep breath, filling my lungs with damp night air.  "I'm sorry you were embarrassed.  We took 4 steps to the side so he could ask me a couple questions without screaming at me.  Questions about my job, because he has a friend looking for one.  It wasn't a big deal."

"It looked bad, Olivia," he said.  I rolled my eyes.  I picked up the pace so I was walking slightly ahead of him.  "Oh, that's mature," I heard him mutter under his breath.

When we got to the corner where we'd need to turn left to go to my apartment, or right to go to his, I stopped.  "I want to go home," I said.

John gave me a weird look.  "We're working on it," he said.

"No," I replied, shaking my head.  "Home.  To my apartment."

"We can spend the night at your place, that's fine," he said, shrugging.

"No," I repeated, trying hard to control my voice.  "I want to go home to my apartment, and I want you to go home to yours.  I'm frustrated and angry and I think I'd like to just go home."

"Seriously?  You're going to throw a tantrum because I called you out for flirting with everyone?"

I gaped at him.  "Actually, me going home by myself is me trying to avoid throwing a tantrum.  I'm not even going to touch the rest of what you said."

"You didn't have a problem touching Paul," John shot back.

"Nothing about anything that I did tonight is different than the way I usually act!" I exploded.  We were about to fight this out, right here on the street corner.  "Every single person I spoke to tonight, with the exception of the bartender and the girl that ran into me, was our friend.  All people I've spoken to before.  All people I've touched before.  Why is it suddenly not okay?"

"It was never okay, Olivia," he responded coolly.  His voice was completely calm now and if he wanted to make me look like a crazy person, he was succeeding.  He held up both his hands and said, "Look, I don't want to have a screaming match on the corner.  Let's just go home, together, and not worry about it."

"No, John," I replied, and I had regained control of my volume.  "I just want to go home.  Please.  We can talk about it more in the morning.  I just need to cool off."

"There's nothing to talk about.  You just need to stop flirting with everyone and it'll be fine."

"I wasn't flirting with anyone!" I yelped.  "I don't flirt!  Flirting is not a thing that I do, ever!  You should know that as well as anyone."

"Okay, okay," he conceded.  "Calm down, Liv.  Just forget I said anything.  Please at least let me walk you home."

"If you want," I replied.  I spun on my heel and went to the left, striding as quickly down the sidewalk as my short legs would take me.  He caught up to me easily and kept pace next to me, walking silently.  Thank god for small miracles.

When we got to my apartment building, I turned and said goodnight to him.  "Come on, I walked all the way here, just let me spend the night.  I'll even sleep on the couch if you want to keep being pissed."

"No, John," I repeated, for what felt like the 15th time.  "Please let me have some space tonight."  I had gotten my explosiveness out of the way and I was calm now.

"So you're going to make me walk all the way back to my apartment?  Liv, it's after midnight."  The guilt trip was starting.

"You chose to walk with me," I replied calmly.  "I would like to spend the night alone.  Please go home."

He stared me down, contemplating his next move.  He looked like he wanted to keep arguing, but instead he pasted a smile on his face and said, "If that's what you want, then I'll respect that.  Goodnight, Livy."  He was the only person in the world that I let call me Livy, and normally it was cute when he said it, but right now it was like nails on a chalkboard.

"Goodnight," I replied.  Then I turned and let myself into my building.

I sighed in relief as I walked up the stairs.  I was so confused by his sudden jealousy.  Or apparently not sudden.  Flirting has never been something I did.  All through college, Lynn and Amy mocked me relentlessly because I sucked at talking to guys.  I still do.  I was now second guessing how it looked tonight though.  I did have my hand on his arm, but only because that's a natural place for it to go when you're standing close and talking in someone's ear.  It's not like we were feeling each other up.

John and I had never fought fair, either.  He was passive-aggressive, and I was quick to snap and yell.  The passive-aggressiveness set me off so easily.  Sometimes it seemed almost like he enjoyed pushing my buttons.  The way he'd smirk right before something slipped out of his mouth made it seem like a calculated move.  He never wanted to give me space when I asked for it, either.  He'd rather fight all night than just let me cool off.  The longer it dragged out, the angrier I'd get, which led to more and more yelling from me and more and more passive-aggressive snipes from him.  At least our fights were rare, which made them more bearable.

The next morning when I woke up, I had a text from him.  "I'm sorry about last night.  Let me take you out to breakfast?"

Breakfast, my weakness.  I thought about it while I showered, then responded that that was fine.  He picked me up an hour later and took me to my favorite breakfast spot.  Once we were settled at our table, him with a bloody Mary and me with a mimosa, he said, "I'm really sorry, baby.  I was an asshole last night.  You weren't flirting, I was just being really jealous.  I just love you so much and I hate thinking about you with someone else.  Seeing you talk to other guys, even if it's just about your job, makes me think about you with someone else."

I nodded, processing what he said.  I considered asking him why this has come out of nowhere, but decided it probably wouldn't be productive.  The last thing I wanted was to spend this entire day fighting.  "Thank you for apologizing.  I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Thank you," he replied.  "I love you."

"I love you too."

With impeccable timing, our server arrived with our food.  I eyed up my eggs, french toast, potatoes, and sausage, trying to decide what to go for first.  I wrinkled my nose when I got a whiff of John's bacon.  I finally settled on the eggs because they'd be gross if they got cold.

"What should we do today?" John asked, after we were a few bites into our breakfast.  "We can do whatever you want."

We spent the rest of breakfast tossing around ideas of things to do, and I was relieved we were done fighting, even though I was still a little confused about why we'd fought in the first place.

(Then) Liv: Connections

“What about that one?” Amy asked, motioning to a lanky blonde guy sitting in the corner with two other guys and a girl.

I wrinkled my nose.  “No.”  Lynn and Amy were determined to get me a date tonight, mostly so I’d stop complaining about how long it’d been since I had gone on a decent date.  There had been a lot of really bad dates lately.   

Lynn laughed.  “He’s not her type.  You’re looking at the wrong guys.”

“Hey!” I said indignantly.  “I don’t have a type.”

Lynn cocked an eyebrow at me and said, “I bet I can pick out—“ she took a quick look around, then continued, “at least 5 men in here that you find attractive.”

“You’re on.  Drinks are on you if you’re wrong.”

She smirked.  “And drinks are on you if I’m right.  And you have to be honest, no cheating.” 

“As if I would stoop so low,” I retorted.  “Go.”

Lynn looked around the bar slowly and then said, “That one.”  She was pointing at a dark haired guy sitting near the door.  He had on a button down shirt and looked like he was tall and built. 

“Yes,” I admitted.

Lynn grinned.  “That one, that one, that one, annnnddd….that one!” she said, pointing out 4 guys in rapid succession.  Looking at them, I was forced to admit that she was right about all of them.

“But,” I protested, “Anyone with a pulse would find all of those guys attractive.”

Amy laughed.  “Anyone with a pulse who happens to also have a thing for tall pretty boys with dark hair and arms the size of your head.  Bonus points for dark, brooding eyes.”

I had to grudgingly admit that all the guys that Lynn had pointed out did have some similarities.  “But their arms don’t have to be the size of my head,” I argued.  “Just bigger than mine.  Maybe bigger than both of mine put together.”

Lynn grinned.  “I think I’ll be having another drink soon,” she said, looking down at her glass, then lifting her eyebrows at me.  We were celebrating Amy’s graduation, and we were waiting for some of our other friends to arrive.  Amy had had to take a semester off because of a bad bout of mono that landed her in the hospital for 3 weeks, and then her next semester was rough, so she ended up graduating the year after us.   But she was finally done, and we were celebrating. 

“Where is everyone?” Amy asked, looking at her phone.  We’d arranged to meet a little earlier than the planned time, but it was now after the time everyone else was supposed to meet us here.

“I don’t know,” I replied, “But if you guys want more drinks, I’m going up to the bar now.”  I took their requests and headed to the bar.  It was crowded with graduation celebrators, and I had to squeeze through people to get close to the bar.  I waited for several minutes for our drinks, then walked back to the table with the three drinks in my hand.  By the time I got there, there were a bunch of people around the table we’d been occupying and I realized the rest of our group had arrived.

“Where's my drink?” came a teasing voice, as I set Lynn and Amy’s drinks in front of them.  I looked up at Adam, one of our friends and the person that Lynn had had an unrequited crush on forever.

“Liv lost a bet,” Lynn said, smirking at me.

“Oh really?” Adam asked, laughing.  “What was the bet?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I replied.  “I lost.”

“Oh no, you don’t get to do that!” Adam exclaimed.  “I want to know.”

Amy broke in.  “Liv tried to insist that she didn’t have a ‘type’ and Lynn bet Liv she could pick out 5 guys Liv thought was hot.  Liv took the bet, and, well…” she motioned to the drinks.

Adam laughed loudly and turned to me.  “That was stupid, Liv.  Anyone could have beat you at that bet,” he said. 

“What?  No!” I yelped.  “It’s not that obvious, is it?”

“Oh yes,” Adam argued.  “Tall, dark, and handsome will get him at least conversation with you.  If he has at least half a brain in his head and some manners to go with, he’ll get a date.  And if he looks like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren catalog, your panties might as well have stayed at home for as long as you’ll have them on.”

My face got hot and I shook my head, while Lynn and Amy roared with laughter.  “It’s true,” Lynn gasped.  “Oh, it’s so true.  Don’t shake your head like he’s not spot on.”

“You all know I don't do casual sex, which is exactly what his comment about my panties implied!" I protested.  Adam was trying to stop laughing, but when I said that, he laughed harder.  "You are a terrible person,” I said to Adam, fighting the urge to start laughing with them.  “Actually, all of you are terrible people.  I don’t know why I hang out with you.”

“Because you love us dearly and we know you so well,” Amy suggested. 

"Because we all know what kind of man to point your way?" Adam tried.  Lynn just laughed.

I glared at them until Amy changed the subject.  Adam turned to talk to someone else and Lynn stuck with him, so Amy nudged me.  “Speaking of tall, dark, and handsome,” she hissed, “John's here."  I rolled my eyes.  Lynn constantly teased me that John was exactly my type and had been right under my nose for years.

"Oh," I said, following her gaze.  "He came with Paul and Erin.  Let's go say hi."  

We walked over and greeted them.  “Hey guys, thanks for coming!” Amy chirped brightly, hugging each of them.   Amy was then quickly distracted by our friend Kate, and she took off to say hi.

"Hey stranger," John greeted me, smiling.

I hugged him.  "It hasn't been that long."

"Since your birthday," he replied.  "Four months."

I frowned.  "Wow, I guess you're right.  I've been so busy."

Before we could go any further than that, we were interrupted by Kate and Amy coming back over.  Amy clearly had a solid start on a good buzz, and she was shrieking with laughter about something Kate had said.  John leaned against the table behind us, his arm casually resting against my back, and we exchanged amused glances.

I heard Lynn call my name from the other table, so I walked over.  "When are you going to make a move on that?"

"Right, because making a move is sooooo like me," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"No, it's not at all like you, and that's the point!  I'm starting to think I was going to have to have the 'lower your standards, you stuck up bitch' talk with you soon, since you've found something wrong with nearly every guy that's looked at you for the last four years.  That guy," she motioned in the general direction of John and Paul and Erin, "Is totally your type, he's smart, he's got a job, and you already know each other.  You need to make that happen, you might not get another chance."

I frowned.  "Normally if I want a reality check, I go to Lauren.  Glad you can fill in in her absence," I said sarcastically.  

"Liv, sweetheart, I love you, you know that.  But it's been one bad first date after another, for years.  And some of them were really bad, I will give you that.  But sometimes it seemed like you were just looking for reasons to not see them again."

"What's the point in seeing them again if there's no connection?" I asked with a shrug.

"This isn't the movies," Lynn said.  "Connections don't always happen on a first date.  Sometimes you have to give things a chance.  Not everyone is going to be Colin."

I had been staring over her shoulder, but my eyes snapped to hers when she said that.  "Don't," I warned her.  "Please," I added, softening my tone.  

"Okay, I won't," she said.  "But think about it.  Do something crazy.  Don't stay stuck there."

"I'm not," I protested.  

Lynn started to respond, but Erin hurried over and said, "Amy is trying to challenge a stranger to a Prairie Fire drinking competition, help!" 

"Oh no," Lynn and I said in unison.  Amy prided herself on her ability to drink the tequila and hot sauce shots, but a competition sounded like a really bad choice.  Lynn and I hurried after Erin to intervene, and I tried to stop thinking about Colin.

Fucking Colin.  I had spent the entirety of my freshman year lusting after him from afar.  He was in one of my classes, lived one floor above me...and was dating one of my suite-mates.  I was head over heels, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.  So I went about my life, even doing a little dating here and there, but I just couldn't shake it.  Of course, I wasn't even the slightest bit to come back from summer break to find out that they had broken up over the summer.  He ended up in another one of my classes, and we ran into each other one day after.  We ended up going to get lunch together and spending the rest of the afternoon together.  We did the same thing the next week.  And the week after that.  And finally, he asked me out on an actual date.  

The date was amazing, and when he kissed me, it was absolutely perfect.  It was exciting, there was chemistry.  We went out again, and I slept with him after that date.   And it was amazing.  And then?  Well, then he never called me again.  He started sitting on the opposite side of the lecture hall, and leaving right after class.  And when I ran into him once at the fitness center, he awkwardly said hi and tried to get away.  When I asked him what happened, he shrugged, said, "It was fun.  But that was it, you know?  Fun."  

I was pissed, but I was less upset that I expected to be.  But after that, every single person got compared to Colin.  It wasn't fair, but that's what happened.  Lynn and Amy thought that I was still infatuated with him.  As many times I tried to assure them that that wasn't it like my 3 week fling had broken my heart forever, they just didn't get it.  I got over him pretty quickly, considering, but I couldn't get them to understand that I was craving the connection that Colin and I had, for those few short weeks.  The sparks.  The fireworks.  It got to be such a sore subject that I refused to even talk to them about it.  But in any case, here I am, 4 years later, still chasing a connection.  

I shook the thoughts out of my head as Lynn encouraged the random person to step away from the challenge, and I tried to distract Amy.  She was hell bent on her shot competition, and I finally said, "You can still have your competition.  What if we just do them?  And whoever keeps the straightest face wins."  Have you tried to keep a straight face while drinking a shot of tequila mixed with hot sauce?  Right.  

"I'll buy and judge," John said.  At some point he had appeared next to me.  "Because this is something I've got to see."  He walked up to the bar before I could protest.

"Fine, since Lynn chased my competitor away," Amy said, pouting.  But then she got excited.  "I'm going to kick your ass!"

Lynn glared at me.  "Did you really just volunteer us for this?" she hissed under her breath.  

"Drink up, princess," I replied, smiling.

John returned with three shot glasses.  He set one down in front of Amy, one in front of me, and one in front of Lynn.  Amy was still talking to someone and he leaned close to Lynn and I and said, "Yours are just tequila.  But she's going to win, so she doesn't demand a rematch."  I threw a grateful look over my shoulder at him.  

When Amy returned her attention to us, we all downed our shots, and John declared Amy the winner.  I was a little worried she'd challenge someone else anyway, but she quickly became distracted by Erin and Kate and started talking to them.  Lynn and I turned to John, and I said, "Thank you.  Whoever introduced her to those shots should be punched in the face."  

He laughed and leaned against the table next to me.  His leg brushed against mine and neither of us moved to end the contact.  "I'm glad I could help."  

Adam wandered over and we all got back to our normal mixing and talking.  Every once in awhile I'd catch John looking at me.  When I walked past him to go to the bathroom, I let my shoulder brush his arm.  I fought the urge to turn to see if he was watching me.  When I came back, he caught my arm gently as I walked by.  I turned and looked at him curiously.  "It's getting close to last call, and a bunch of our group just left.  How are you ladies getting home?"

"We walked," I replied.  We only lived a couple blocks away, and John didn't live much further.

"I don't think Amy is going to be doing much walking," John said, frowning.  I followed his gaze to where Amy was sitting on a high bar chair, leaning against Adam, who was standing next to her with an arm around her.  Her eyes were open but I agreed, especially in the 4 inch heels she was wearing.  

"Shit," I muttered.  I tried to figure out a better solution, and watched as Erin walked over and said something to Adam.  Amy pulled herself into an upright position and shook her head and Erin said something to her too.  Amy shook her head again, and looked like she was arguing with Amy.  I walked over there.  

"You're not walking home, babe," Erin was saying.  "You're absolutely shit faced. I'll give you a ride."

"I'm not that drunk.  And who's gonna walk with Liv and Lynn?" Amy slurred.  

"I will," John volunteered from behind me.  

I turned to protest that Lynn and I would be fine on our own, but Amy interrupted.  "Do it," she said excitedly.  "Because remember how we talked about your type? And he's your type!  You should let him walk you alllllllll the way home."  I felt my face immediately flush and had to restrain myself from slapping a hand over Amy's mouth so she didn't say anything else.  

I fought my embarrassment long enough to say, "I will if you let Erin drive you." 

"Deal," she said, sticking out her hand to shake.  It threw off her balance and she started to tipping towards me.  Adam quickly wrapped his arm back around her and pulled her upright again.  I shook her hand and turned, cheeks still warm.   

"Let's find Lynn," I said hurriedly.

"She's right there," John replied, pointing to our right.  He was smirking, but didn't say anything.  I turned and saw Lynn talking to Kate just a few feet away from us.  

We walked over and collected Lynn.  I explained that Erin was taking Amy home and John was going to walk with us.  Lynn nodded knowingly and winked me behind John's back.  "Do something crazy!" she mouthed silently.  I shook my head and rolled my eyes.  John turned back to see if we were coming and we both pasted innocent smiles onto our faces.  Nothing suspicious about that.

Lynn lived the closest, and we were dropping her off at her building within minutes.  "I'm two more blocks," I said, suddenly feeling shy now that I was alone with John--which was stupid, because I'd known him for years.  We were walking close enough to each other that our arms occasionally brushed.  I got a slight thrill every time it happened.  The power of suggestion, perhaps? We were quieter now, chatting a little about things that had happened while we were out.  When we got to my building, which was above a 24 hour coffee shop and cafe, he said suddenly, "Are you hungry?"

I raised an eyebrow at him.  "Do you know me at all?"

He didn't say anything else, just pulled the door to the cafe open.  I walked inside and he followed, and we sat at a booth in the corner.  The place was almost deserted, there were two girls sitting in the opposite corner.  I knew they'd get busier when the bars closed in about a half hour.

Once we had ordered, John looked at me and smiled.  "So what's this I hear about being your type? Is it true?"

My cheeks, once again, flushed and I fought the urge to sink lower in my seat.  I opened my mouth to deny it, because that seemed like the best way to end my embarrassment, but I decided against it.  Do something crazy, right?  "Yeah," I said.  "It's true."

We ate our greasy 24-hour cafe food and chatted more about the evening and what we'd each been up to in the last 4 months.  When we finished, he paid, despite my protests, and walked me back to the entrance to the apartments above.  "Can I walk you up?" he asked.  I raised one eyebrow, skeptical of his intentions.  He laughed and held up both hands.  "I just want to walk you up.  You never know what could happen in these sketchy apartment stairwells.  I promise I'll behave."  

"Okay," I agreed.  I unlocked the door and we went in.  We walked up the stairs, quiet now.  It was late, and I was really tired.  When we got to my door I stopped and turned to him.  "Thanks for walking me home," I said at the same time he said, "I had fun tonight."  We looked at each other and laughed.  And then I kissed him.  Yep.  I kissed him.  Not a signature move of mine, that's for sure.  

And you know what?  It was there.  The connection, the sparks, the fireworks.  Enough that I was breathless when we pulled apart.  We just looked at each other for a second, and then he kissed me again.  He pushed his hands into my hair and backed me up against the door to my apartment.  When we finally separated again, he said, "I'm sorry, I promised to behave, and I didn't."

I laughed.  "I started it, blame it on me."  

"You're too pretty to take the blame," he replied softly.  "So should I get back on my best behavior, or would you like me to break that promise again?"

"I think you'd better break that promise again."