The New Plan

On Monday, I got 15 more precious minutes with Lynn.  This time, I was better prepared and didn't cry, and she was a bit more alert.  She didn't remember what we had talked about the day before but she did remember that I had been there.  I was worried she wouldn't remember it at all, so I considered that a positive thing.

She was still in a lot of pain and very heavily medicated, so our visit was similar to Sunday's, and I sat with her, held her hand, and did the vast majority of the talking.  Even though her eyes were closed nearly the whole time I was there, she'd occasionally make a comment or weakly squeeze my hand, and I stayed with her until she fell asleep again.  It took me a minute or two after she fell asleep to talk myself into leaving, knowing that I wouldn't see her again for awhile.  I finally got up when a kind-faced nurse stuck her head in the room and gently told me that my stolen time, which had again been overlooked by the staff, was up.

I got little teary saying goodbye to Kathy and Dan.  I just wasn't ready to leave, especially because I knew that with how much this plane ticket had cost, I wouldn't be able to come back again for Christmas (or any other time soon).  Kathy promised to keep me updated and to have Lynn call as soon as she was feeling up to it.

On the way to the airport, Brody chatted away about random things, probably trying to distract me from my sullen, distracted moping.  Then he asked something that got my attention.

"You and John were already broken up when you moved, right?"

I turned and looked at him.  I wasn't sure if this was a last ditch effort to distract me, or if he seriously wanted to hear about my last relationship.  After studying his face briefly, I decided it was likely a pretty even combination of the two.

"Yes, for the second time," I said.  I didn't elaborate, because I wasn't sure how much he wanted to know.  I know that he had spent some time talking to John during the many hours we'd spent in the hospital, and I wished that we'd stop hanging out with my exes.

"Why'd you break up?" he asked curiously.  I generally considered ex-talk to be something to avoid, but I realized that he had told me about Savannah on our second date, and had been pretty open about his sexual and dating past.  I decided I could give him the same.

"Well, the first time we broke up because things just got...stale.  We were practically living together.  We each had our own places, but we only spent nights apart once every two weeks or so.  We were both completely at home in the other's place, and would be there without them and such.  We just both stopped putting in the effort, I think.  We never went out anymore, we never really talked about anything besides work, we never complimented each other.  Everything was mechanical and tired."  I looked at Brody, gauging his reaction to see if I was providing more information than he cared about.  He glanced quickly at me and nodded encouragingly.

"I realized it one day, and we talked about it.  We made some plans for how to take better care of our relationship, but I was the only one that bothered trying.  After about a month of me being the only one putting in effort, I gave up.  It didn't even seem to bother him, and he made no effort to pick up the slack, so I ended things.  That didn't seem to bother him either.  At least not until he found out I was applying to jobs in other states.  We had been apart for about 3 months at that point, and he had rarely even contacted me.  He was polite but not friendly when we ran into each other.  But when he heard through the grapevine that I was applying to jobs all over, he called me.

"He asked me to dinner, and I went.  He put in the effort, planned a nice date, and I remembered what I loved about him.  I had done a little dating in between and it hadn't gone well, so I just kind of fell back into things with John.  But the effort only lasted a couple weeks, and about a month into it, he lost his job.  He got really surly and financially dependent on me.  He made no effort to find a new one, constantly wanted to go out on my dime--and I was a grad student that was barely working full time.  I didn't mind picking up the tab for dinner and occasional drinks, but he had no problem racking up a $100 bar tab three times a week.  And then on top of that, he wasn't being respectful of my time or my space or my emotional needs, and he was downright mean to me a lot of the time.  He expected me to meet his emotional, financial, and physical needs but there was nothing in it for me, so I was just done."

"But he wasn't," Brody finished, maybe remembering what I had told him about the night I had dinner with John.

"Right," I agreed.  "He clung onto the threads even after I moved, but he's been good since we had dinner that night he was in Denver."

By this point we were at the airport, and the conversation got lost as we dropped off the rental car, checked in, and went through security.  When we were sitting at the gate in the small airport, he said, "Thanks for telling me about John, I've been curious for awhile, especially after meeting him."

"You could have asked," I replied.

"I did," he pointed out.  "Just not when I first started wondering."  He put an arm around me and I settled my head against his shoulder.  "It seems like he cares a lot about you."

I leaned away so I could look up at him, wondering if there was jealousy or possession behind that statement.  But he smiled at me, and I didn't pick up on it being anything but an observation. 

"Now you know my two most recent exes--not that James really counts as an ex--and have heard at least one embarrassing date story from them.  I'm not sure if I should be relieved or not," I joked.  He chuckled.

"Are there more embarrassing date stories to be told?" he asked.

"If I said no, would you believe me?"

"No, but I'd let it go.  For now anyway."

"Then no," I declared.  He laughed again.

By the time we finally made it back to my house, it was after 6.  I pulled my car into the garage and Brody parked his SUV in the driveway.  Brody ordered a pizza while I took a quick shower.  He showered after.

"Thank you for everything this weekend," I said as we ate our pizza a little bit later.  "It means a lot that you came, even though you were probably pissed at me.  I don't know how I would have made it through the weekend on my own."

"Liv, I love you.  I didn't stop loving you just because we got in a fight.  Especially a fight that I had a role in causing.  It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone to Dallas."

"Yeah, but it did happen, and I handed it really terribly.  I know that this stuff comes up and that it's unavoidable.  I know you wouldn't go if you didn't have to.  I was awful to you, and I'm sorry for being a total asshole about it all.  You're not a control freak, and I love you too."  I felt crappy just thinking about the fight.

"I'm sorry too," he said.  He put down his pizza and looked at me.  He looked really serious and it made me anxious all over again.  I put down my pizza too.  "And, as much as I hate to admit it, you were right.  I am a bit of a control freak.  It's time for me start trusting some of my people to do their jobs.  I spent the entire flight to Dallas thinking about it."  He paused and smiled at me.  "I'm going to start training a few of my top people to be able to take the after hours calls and make the trips that I usually do.  I should have done it a long time ago, but I had my system down and it was easier for me to just keep doing it."

I processed what he was saying and nodded slowly.  He continued.  "Once I have them trained, I'll set up an on-call schedule so the burden of those calls and trips will be spread around, and we'll be able to plan and know when I might get called--that way we won't have a date or a weekend trip ruined by a surprise phone call.  This should seriously lower my stress and workload, at least after they're trained and I get used to letting go of some control."

"I like that idea," I said, smiling.

"Me too," he agreed.  "But you need to know that it's not going to change overnight.  I'm still going to have to handle most of that stuff until I can get people ready to do it.  So this weekend could still happen again.  How do you feel about that?"

"How long do you think it will be?" I asked.  "If I have an idea of how long, that will help."

"Between 3 and 6 months, if I had to guess.  Hopefully a lot closer to 3 than 6, but that's not a promise.  Can you hang in there for that long?  I know this isn't fun for you, and I'll do my best to minimize any trips I need to take and interruptions to our time together, but I'll really need you to be flexible until then."

"If I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I think I can manage a few months," I replied.  "Just knowing that you're working on making things different helps a lot."

He stood and pulled me to my feet, then hugged me tightly.  "Good, because I don't want to fight with you like that again," he said.  "It was awful to leave after that, with nothing resolved."  I was still so overwhelmed from the whole weekend that I started crying again.  He pulled back and looked at me with concern.  "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," I sniffled.   "It's just the weekend catching up with me.  This has been the worst weekend.  I feel like all I've done is cry."  He sat down and pulled me against his chest.

"Cry and toss and turn," he said with a laugh.  That got me to laugh too, and I was soon done crying. I shifted so I was more comfortable, but stayed curled against his chest.  He tightened his arms around me. 

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked.

I considered, then said, "I think I'm okay."

"That's not what I asked," Brody replied.  "I know you're okay.  But do you want me to stay?"  I nodded.  "Okay, good.  That works for me, since I have clothes for tomorrow.  I wasn't sure if you might want some space."

"No, I want you to stay."

"Then I'll stay," he said, kissing me on the forehead.