(Now) Lauren: Bored

"Laur?  What's wrong?"  Alex's voice sounds concerned as he asks the question I was hoping he wouldn't.  But of course he asks, because rolling away from him after sex is not something that I do.  I love to be close to him, to be touched, when I'm coming down from my post-sex high.

"Nothing, my head hurts," I mumble into the pillow, as if hiding my face will help me lie to him.

"You're supposed to say that to get out of sex, not right after sex," he jokes, and then I feel his hand on my back.  He strokes slowly, from the base of my spine up to my neck, then his fingers pause there, massaging gently.  "Do you need some tylenol or something?"

"No," I say quickly.  "Just some sleep, I think."  I sigh despite myself, enjoying his touch as he continues to massage my neck.  But as soon as I start to relax under his hand, I get angry at myself.  I'm not supposed to like this when I'm feeling so...ugh.

I sit up, abruptly ending my neck rub.  "Maybe I do need some Tylenol," I lie.

"I can get it, babe," he says.  I almost cringe when he calls me babe.  Stop it.

"I've got it," I reply.  I'm already upright.  I grab his t-shirt because it's what's closest and easiest, and I yank it over my head and walk out of the room.

I could go to my bathroom, which has a clean drinking glass and an ample supply of over-the-counter medications, but instead I walk down the stairs.  I need a few minutes.  I rattle the bottle of Tylenol that lives in the cabinet above the sink a little, then fill a glass with cool water from the sink and take a long drink.  I'm so stuck in my spiral of negative thoughts that I don't even hear Alex come down the stairs and into the kitchen.  He puts his arms around me from behind and kisses just behind my ear.  "Together we have a full outfit," he jokes, and I crane my neck to see he's wearing just a pair of athletic shorts.

"Yeah," I agree blandly.

He sighs softly.  "Lauren, why won't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Because noth--" I start, but he cuts me off.

"No," he says firmly.  He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him.  I can't even meet his eyes.  When did lying get so hard?  It used to be easy...but I guess I've never really lied to Alex.  "I've known you for 9 years, don't insult me again by repeating that nothing is wrong.  You've been weird for two weeks.  Talk to me."

I bite my lip and am horrified when I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes.  "I don't know," I say finally.  "I..."  I look up at him, and he looks so worried, and in this moment I'm pissed at him for looking at me like that.  He should be mad, not worried.  I don't want him to worry about me when all I feel is...ugh.  "I just don't know, okay?  I feel weird and crabby and I'm always irritated but I don't know why."

It's another lie, of course.  I know exactly why, I just don't know how to tell him.  How do you tell your boyfriend (that you love, really), who's probably been in love with you for the better part of 9 years while you gallivanted around sleeping with half the damn city, that you're bored?  That you miss the chase?  Miss the excitement of sleeping with someone different every week?

I love Alex.  I do.  I feel more strongly about him than I've ever felt about anyone in my life, including myself--which is saying something.  But it's easy.  It's not shiny and new anymore and it's not fun.  And most times we have sex, I can tell you what he's going to do 5 seconds before he does it.  Kiss me for a little while, kiss my neck, grope my chest, run his fingertips up and down my thighs a couple times...you get the picture.  I need more than that.  Alex does damn near whatever I want him to do--half the times before I even know I want it.  I tried picking a fight with him the other day, to see if I could get the rush I needed out of that, but he wouldn't take the bait.  Then I immediately felt like a shitty person, and have just been trying to keep it all to myself since then.

It's been hard to do, because all the sweet things he does are now just irritating the shit out of me.  Like he when called me babe?  I used to love it--though I'll never admit that out loud.  Now?  Nails on a chalkboard.  I don't know what to do, but I do know I need to get it together.  I don't want to not be with Alex.  I just need things to be less boring.

He's still looking at me all concerned, and I look away again.  "Can I help?"

I shake my head, and now my lower lip is trembling.  I didn't even think that was a real thing that happened.  "No, I just need to get some sleep."  I'm worried that he'll try to hug me, and I might lose it.  Instead, he just gently tilts my chin up and kisses me softly, first on the forehead, then the nose, and finally on the lips.

"Okay," he says finally.

He steps to the side so I can walk past him, and I do.  He trails me up the stairs.  I go straight for the bathroom and brush my teeth, then curl into a ball under the blankets on my side of the bed.  He comes in a couple minutes later, turns off the light, and gets into bed.  Once he's settled, he says, "Goodnight, Lauren.  I love you."  He doesn't try to kiss me or cuddle with me, and I'm relieved, but also a little sad.  Apparently I don't know what the fuck I want.

"Goodnight," I say softly.  "I love you too."

I don't sleep.  Not even a little bit.  I try not to toss and turn, because I don't want to keep Alex up, but the more I try to lay still, the worse the urges to move get.  Finally, I get up and grab my pillow and creep out of the room.  I make my way carefully downstairs, yawning the whole way.  I pull my fleece throw blanket off the chair and curl up on the couch.  At least here I'm free to toss and turn all I want.  I'm also free of the guilt that's hanging over my head in the bed I was sharing with Alex.

I must finally fall asleep, because the next thing I know, Alex is gently shaking me.  "Laur, you're going to be late," he says.  I sit straight up.  He's looking at me with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face.  I'm just tired, groggy, and disoriented.

"What?" I ask.

"You've got to get up," he says.  "It's almost 8."

"Oh, shit!" I yelp.  I get up quickly, and when I'm on the stairs, I turn.  "Thanks.  I couldn't sleep."  I shrug.

He nods.  "Sure.  Have a good day."

"Yeah, thanks.  You too."  We both look at each other for several seconds, then I turn and continue up the stairs.  I don't have much time to get ready for work.

I manage to get to work only 3 minutes late.  I hustle inside and get set up at my desk, and I'm only there for about 2 minutes before someone knocks on the wall of my cube.  I look up and see my supervisor and an incredibly attractive guy that I don't recognize.

"Good morning, Lauren," my supervisor says.  "This is Logan.  He's new.  I'm in meetings all day, and I was hoping you could show him the ropes, do a little training."

"Absolutely," I said, eyeing the new guy again.  Logan.  That's a nice name.  "I'd be happy to!"  My boss leaves Logan with me and hurries away.

Logan is tall and lean, with dark hair and bright, playful blue eyes.  "Hi," I say to him, smiling.  "I'm Lauren.  Did you get a tour?"

"No, not yet.  He seemed pretty eager to dump me off," he replies, returning my smile.  "I'd love if you showed me around though."  Keep it in your pants, Lauren.  You have a boyfriend.  But if I didn't...

If I didn't, I'd be all over this guy.  But I do.  So a tour, some training, and nothing more.  I show him around the office, introducing him to people as I go.  "So what do people usually do for lunch around here?" he asks, as we make our way back to my cube.

I shrug.  "Some people go out, some people bring theirs.  We've never had problems with people stealing food out of the break room fridge, amazingly enough."

He nods.  "What do you usually do for lunch?"

"Ummm..." I'm a little flustered, and I hate myself for it.  "It depends on the day.  I didn't bring anything today, so I need to go out and get something."

"Good," he says, with an easy smile.  "I need to go out as well, and I'm new to Denver, so I don't know any of the good spots.  Maybe you could help me with that as well?"

"Sure," I reply.  No harm in going out to lunch with a coworker, right?  Of course not.

I sit down at my computer and motion to Logan to grab a chair.  He pulls it up next to me and I'm conscious of our arms almost touching in my too-small-for-two cube.  I start to show him our computer program, and mentally count down the minutes until the end of the day.

By the end of the day I am completely frazzled.  I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I had plenty of inappropriate thoughts and feelings.  I feel a serious need to see Alex, to remind myself of why I should not flirt with my hot new coworker.  I'm not entirely sure if it will help or hurt, but I call him nonetheless.

"Hi," he says.  I try to read the greeting, but it was too short.  It wasn't exactly cool, but it wasn't warm and cheerful either.

"Hey you," I reply.  "I want to see you tonight."

"Yeah?" he asks.  We hadn't been planning on seeing each other tonight.  I wanted to get some cleaning and laundry done.

"Yeah," I confirm.  "Please?"

He chuckles.  "Well, since you asked nicely, I think we can manage something.  I'm home already.  Do you want to pick up some dinner and come over here?"

"Sure," I agree.

I stop at home quick to grab stuff for tomorrow, then pick up some sandwiches, and park in his driveway.  I knock and open the door.  He's sitting on his couch in a pair of loose fitting sweatpants and no shirt and I breathe a sigh of relief because I want him.

"Hi," he says, looking up at me.  "What'd you bring for--"

I cut him off by climbing into his lap and kissing him.  For a second, in his surprise, he doesn't kiss me back.  Then he comes to his senses and moves his lips against mine as his hands slide up my legs to my hips.  His fingers dig in and he pulls me closer to him.  When one of his hands starts to move my stomach towards my breasts, I grab it and put it back on my hip.  He keeps it there, following my unspoken direction.

I peel my shirt off and unhook my bra.  Then I plant my hands on his shoulders and raise my hips until my breasts are at his eye level.  He leans forward and nips at my breast before sucking, then tugging gently on my nipple with his teeth.  I groan and then grab one of his wandering hands and place it firmly back on my hip.  He looks up at me briefly before turning his attention to my other breast.

I stand and shimmy out of my pants and underwear as he eagerly pushes his sweatpants down and kicks them off.  Then I climb back into his lap and surprise him by guiding him inside me.  I think he's expecting more foreplay, but I just want sex.  His hands automatically go back to my hips, but then they slide up my back.  I let them--I don't care where they are anymore.  I just didn't want to let him guide us back into the same stale pattern we always fell into. When I don't fight his hands' travel over my back, he keeps one there, his fingers gripping my shoulder blade, and moves the other between us, pressing his thumb against me.  I gasp and move my hips faster, and in record time my knees are squeezing his hips, my hips are jerking against his, and I'm out of breath.

He gives me several seconds to recover, running his fingers lightly up and down my spine, which makes me shiver.  Then he lifts me off his lap and onto the couch next to him.  I hear him shifting behind me and then he pushes into me from behind and I let my head drop forward, muffling my moan with the convenient throw pillow.  When he reaches around my hip and starts rubbing my clit, I'm a goner.  He finishes shortly after my second orgasm, and I stay where I am, my thoughts pleasantly dulled.

When Alex slides between me and the back of the couch, I let him.  I stay put as he wraps his arm around my waist and settles his face against my neck.  We're both silent for several minutes, laying there in our post-orgasmic stupor.  Then he says, "That was unexpected.  Amazing, but unexpected."

"Yeah," I agree.  "It was.  I was thinking about you all day, and I just couldn't wait, I guess."  Barely even a white lie.  I was thinking about him all day...while I was reminding myself that I had a boyfriend.  But, for whatever reason, I feel pretty fucking normal right now.  Maybe having a hot new coworker is going to be a good thing for my relationship.