(Now) Lauren: Smooth

Well, I didn't mean for this to post today, but it looks like I chose the wrong date and the scheduling thing actually worked, ha. So enjoy your unplanned bonus. I guarantee at least one more posts later this week, but I'll shoot for two!
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I start skipping happy hours.  I can't stand to watch Kinsley running around, hitting on everything with a dick.  She and Liv think I'm judging her, but the truth is that this is the closest I've ever been to being jealous of anyone in my life.  We used to do that shit together, and now I have to watch her do it while I'm stuck in my boring relationship with a man I love and don't want to lose.  I can't quite reconcile my conflicting feelings of wanting to be right next to her, flirting with anyone that might buy us a drink, and wishing I was instead at home on the couch with Alex, being happy and satisfied in our little bubble of monogamy.   So I think it's easier if I just don't go.

I know that I also owe Kinsley an apology, but I just can't yet.  That's a terrible reason to put it off, but I don't feel like I can explain myself and without that, I'm not sure the apology will sound sincere.  So instead, I avoid going anywhere she might be, like the excellently mature adult that I am.

I'm really looking forward to my mom visiting, and I'm hoping it will mean a weekend off from thinking about all of this.  I took Friday off work and pick my mom up from the airport in the late morning.  Even though I just saw her a couple weeks ago, I'm so excited to see her again.  It was like I'd forgotten how close we used to be until I saw her over the 4th.  Now I miss her even more than I had.

"You should just move out here," I tell her, for probably the thousandth time.  It's true though.  Both of her kids live out here, plus her grandchild.  If that's not a good reason to move, I don't know what is!

"You know I'd love to someday, sweetheart," she replies.  "But you also know there's no one else to take care of your grandfather."  My grandpa refuses to move to an assisted living facility or nursing home, so instead he lives with a friend and the friend's middle-aged son.  None of the three of them drive, so my mom spends a lot of time taking my grandpa to appointments and on errands.

"I know," I acknowledge.

"So what's the plan for the weekend?" my mom asks.

I think for a second, then say, "Dinner with Amanda, Casey, and Evan tonight."  I'm excited--I haven't seen my niece Casey in too long.  I make a mental note to make more of an effort to see my sister and her family outside of special occasions.  They're so busy that it's hard, but it's always worth it.

"Tomorrow we have a late lunch planned with Liv, but outside that I don't have anything planned yet.  We can do whatever you want.  Amanda wanted to go to the zoo on Sunday with you and Casey, and I'm bowing out of that one, but I was thinking you and I could do dinner in at my house on Sunday evening.  You'll be spending Sunday night with me, right?"  My mom was planning to spend Friday and Saturday night at Amanda's house, because she simply has more room (and also my mom's only grandchild!), and then Sunday night with me.  I have Monday off work again, and her flight out is in the late afternoon, so we'll have all of Monday morning to spend together too.

We stop at my house first, and I give her the tour.  We walk to a nearby cafe for lunch, and I ask my mom about her boyfriend.  It's hard for me to even say that word, because I've never known my mom as anything but single.  When she talks about him, though, I can see how happy she is, and I'm happy for her.

"How about your boyfriend?" she asks me.  "Will I get to see him this weekend?"

"Probably tomorrow," I say noncommittally.  "He's been really busy."  Again with the lying.  All the lying.

"Oh, really?" my mom asks, sounding skeptical.

"Yes," I say firmly.  I gently steer the conversation into more neutral topics: my job, her job, Liv's wedding, real estate costs in Denver.  After lunch, we drop off her stuff at Amanda's house and play tourist for a little while.  For having two daughters out here, my mom has spent very little time out here and seen very little of the city.

After dinner on Friday, I head to Alex's house.  It's been a few days since I've seen him.  That in itself isn't weird for us.  It happens occasionally.  But what is weird is that we've had little contact during that time.  I find that I'm anxious and excited to see him, and I wonder if that's all we need--just a little less "us time".  Maybe I'm not actually bored, but just need a little more time to myself to do "me things."  I roll that idea around in my head as I drive, and decide that that feels like a good hypothesis.  Then I immediately start to wonder if that's a normal thing to want.  What would I do in the event I got married?  Maybe I can talk my future husband into living in side-by-side townhouses so I can always have plenty of space to myself.  Or, maybe I'm just not cut out to get married--a thought that isn't new to me.

By the time I pull up in front of Alex's house, my thoughts are a jumbled mess, and I understand the panic that used to hit Liv every time she tried to think about the future.  The future is a scary fucking place.  I sit in my car for a minute and take a couple deep breaths to try to calm myself down, and promptly decide that taking deep breaths is a bullshit way to try to calm down.  Doesn't work.  But by the time I knock lightly on Alex's door, I'm feeling a little better.

When he opens the door, the feeling of being happy to see him comes back, and I hug him.  "Well, hello," he says, chuckling at my enthusiastic greeting.  "You could have just come in, you know."

"I know," I say.  "But this was better."  He looks at me, and though he's smiling, he's got that worried look in his eyes again.  Alex's eyes are so expressive--even when the rest of his face is perfectly neutral, I can read his feelings in his eyes.  The few times I haven't been able to have been completely unnerving.  The worry I read there now immediately puts a damper on my mood.  "What?" I ask, unable to help myself.

"Nothing," he says, shaking his head.  "I'm happy to see you."  My stomach clenches.  What happened to make us both so hesitant to talk about how we're really feeling?  As soon as the question flits through my head, I know the answer to it.  Talking about what's going on might mean losing what we have.  Avoidance is clearly the best tactic.

We both loosen up fairly quickly, though.  Soon everything feels like it had before my boredom started worming its way in, permeating the comfortable bond we'd formed.  I'm laying on the couch with my head in his lap (the closest I get to cuddling any time that's not immediately following sex) while we watch a movie when I hear my phone ping on the end table next to him.  I sit up and say, "Sorry, can you hand it here?  I'll turn the sound off."  He reaches for it and starts to hand it to me, but his eyes fall to the text preview that popped up on my iPhone's screen.  He clenches his teeth and then cuts his eyes at me.

"What?" I ask.  "I'm sorry.  I said I'd turn it down."

"Maybe you should read the text you just got," he says softly.  The screen is dark again by the time the phone is in my hand, but as soon as I hit the home button and see the text I received, I understand why Alex is upset.  Sitting there in the middle of my screen is a text from Logan that says, "Get rid of that boyfriend yet?" I drop the phone and my heart sinks.  I know I'm in trouble.

I thought that by telling Logan I had a boyfriend, I was avoiding trouble.  Turns out he has a girlfriend as well, back in Arizona--which is where he moved from.  I thought we were safe.  But all it did was making everything a little more risky, a little more dangerous, and a little more fun.  Nothing had happened between us besides a few lunches at work, some flirtatious banter, or "accidental" physical contact a few times, but this text certainly suggests otherwise.

"Alex..." I start, desperately fumbling for something to say to make it better.  He's sitting and staring at me, silently, and he looks hurt, confused, and angry.  I don't blame him one bit.  Words aren't coming to me, and I sit pathetically, my eyes pleading with him to understand.

When I don't say more, he grabs the phone from my lap, holding it between his fingertips like it's hot.  "Who is," he asks, pausing to turn the screen back on, "Logan?"

"A new person at work," I say miserably.  Not coming up with anything else, I launch into an explanation of how we came to be texting each other.  "He started on a day when our boss was in meetings all day, so he dumped him on me.  I ended up doing most of his training and he's new in town too.  So we did a lot of talking.  He doesn't really know anyone in town."  I watch his eyes as I talk, and I'm clearly not doing anything to reassure Alex.  "He has a girlfriend," I finish weakly.

Alex narrows his eyes and says, "Good for him."  I cringe.  "So what's going on with you two, then?" he asks, his voice impressively calm.  His eyes give him away, though.

"Nothing," I say, too quickly.  "I mean, I'm not cheating on you."  Smooth, Laur.  So smooth.

"How reassuring," Alex replies, and his calm facade is starting to crack.  I recognize the defensive sarcasm because it's familiar to me.  I would have said the exact same thing if our positions were reversed.

"Alex," I say again.  "Come on.  Okay, we've gotten a little flirty, and that text that he sent is totally inappropriate.  It's a joke, because I asked him if his girlfriend was tired of the long distance thing and had gotten rid of him yet...but it's an inappropriate joke, and I know it looks really bad."  I'm getting really desperate now, and I'm scrambling for things to say to somehow make this okay.  In the back of my head, I know those things don't exist, because there's nothing that would make this situation okay.  I've fucked up, and I know it.

He doesn't say anything for a long time, and then, "You know, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with you after we've been friends for so long is the extensive knowledge I have of your...past."  I open my mouth to defend myself--who the fuck does he think he is, bringing up my past right now?  But he holds up a hand, silently asking me to let him finish.  I press my lips together and sit, fighting back my anger.  "I knew I'd have to let it all stay in the past and I've done that.  You've never given me a reason not to leave it behind.  But I don't like this--" he motions vaguely to my phone, where he'd set it down between us, "at all."

"Well, I don't like the condescending way you're talking to me right now," I snap back.

"Really?" he replies sarcastically, and he's starting to raise his voice.  "I'm trying not to be pissed at you right now but this whole situation is kind of fucked, don't you think?"  I glare at him silently.  "I mean, you've been weird for weeks, and you won't tell me what's going on.  Now you get a text from some new guy at work, asking you if you've gotten rid of me yet.  Lauren, what am I supposed to think here?  I'm trying not to be angry, and I'm trying to hear you out, but to be honest, nothing you've said so far is terribly reassuring, and I'm pissed."

I know he's right, and I know I shouldn't have been flirting with Logan in the first place, but it doesn't stop me from being pissed off that he doesn't believe me.  "Well, if you don't believe me, then maybe I should go," I say.  I grit my teeth and stare him down, silently challenging him to stop me.  But he doesn't say anything.  We're both so stubborn and neither of us is fighting fair, though Alex is far more justified than I am right now.  I grab my phone, stand, and walk towards the door, silently willing him to stop me.  But he doesn't, so I turn and spit out, "Don't bother with tomorrow either, then."  And then I force myself out the door and down the sidewalk to my car.  I sit there for nearly a minute, hoping he'll come after me, or call, or something, but I know he won't.  He's too fucking stubborn.

But so am I, so I start my car and drive home.