(Now) Lauren: Relief

Alex and I freeze each other out for the rest of the weekend.  We've only seriously argued once before, and that was when he wanted to make our relationship "official" and I freaked out.  We fought ugly and dirty then too.  This time, I can't do a thing about it until my mom leaves.  Then, by the time I drop her off at the airport, I'm so angry that I haven't heard from him that I don't even want to see him.  I make plans with Liv for that evening so I'm not tempted to give in and call him.  I broke the last stalemate.  I'm not doing it this time.

By lunch on Tuesday, my resolve is gone.  Seeing Logan only solidified how wrong I was.  I avoid him for as much time as I possibly can, and sneak out of the building at lunch.  I pull my phone out to call Alex, ready to end this stupid cold war by apologizing.  To my surprise, I have a text from him.  It says, "I miss you, Laur.  Call me when you're ready to talk about everything.  I love you."

He sent it at about 10:30 this morning.  I had been so busy this morning that I hadn't even looked at me phone.  I call him and wait while it rings, anxious that he's changed his mind and won't answer.  "Lauren," he says when he picks up.  It's not much of a greeting, but he sounds relieved, and I am too.

"Hi," I reply.  "I had just made up my mind to call you, and I saw that you texted."

"I'm glad you did," he says.  Then we're both silent, neither of us knowing where to start.  Finally, I suggest we get together tonight after work, and he agrees.  I hang up feeling anxious and dreading the rest of the afternoon.

When I get back to the office after lunch, I find Logan loitering outside the building.  "You went to lunch without me," he says, pretending to be hurt.

"Yes, well, your text on Friday got me in trouble," I snap back.  Logan raises his eyebrows, and I sigh.  "Actually, I got me in trouble.  I can't do this anymore.  I love him, and I've been an idiot.  Our relationship needs to be strictly professional, Logan."

He snorts.  "Okay, sure.  But if your boyfriend feels like a little harmless flirting is a threat to his relationship, he's got bigger problems on his hands.  Let me know if you change your mind."  He flashes a cocky grin at me and walks away, clearly irritated by my resolution.  That's fine.  Let him be irritated...he's less likely to try to keep flirting with you then.  We both know our flirting was far from harmless.  We'd crossed the line from "harmless" flirting to the kind that you wouldn't dream of doing in front of your significant other (or anyone that knows your significant other or knows you have one) after his third day on the job.

I'm distracted the rest of the day, worried about how things will go with Alex tonight.  I barely get all the work done that I need to, but I manage to finish everything up at the last second.  I get home with enough time to shower before Alex comes over, and I'm glad, because the shower helps calm my nerves.

He rings the doorbell and I pull open the door and we both just stand there looking at each other for several seconds before he steps forwards and pulls me into a fierce hug.  I slump against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and grabbing two fistfuls of his shirt.  I turn my head to the side and say, "I'm sorry," at the same time he says, "I missed you."  Then I say, "I missed you too," while he says "I'm sorry too."  We both laugh and stay twisted together for nearly 30 more seconds before reluctantly drawing apart.

Alex steps inside and shuts the door behind himself.  I watch him as he takes his shoes off, then he grabs my hand and pulls me over to the couch.  I study his face, and I see the worry that has been ever-present lately in his eyes.  "I want to talk about everything," he says.

"Everything?" I parrot.

"Everything," he confirms.  He sees my hesitation and continues, "Lauren, I know something is going on.  If you tell me there's nothing happening with that guy you work with, I believe it...but I know there's something and I really want you to tell me what it is."  His eyes are trained on mine and I know I'm not getting out of this without laying everything out on the table.

"Nothing is happening with Logan," I assure him.  "We were doing a lot of flirting, and it shouldn't have happened, and I'm sorry. It never went past flirting though, and when I saw him at work today, I told him that our relationship needed to be strictly professional."  He nods, and now he looks relieved.  I feel terrible that I was so careless with our relationship and his feelings and trust.  He waits for me to tell him what is going on, and I'm searching my brain for the right way to say it, and cursing myself for not figuring out what I was going to say before this morning.  "I'm bored," I blurt.  Fuck.  I meant to say it a little better than that.

His face changes instantly.  "Bored?" he repeats, looking both surprised and irritated.  "So...what do you need to be less bored?  A threesome?  Sex in public?  I can spank you, if you want."  His words drip with sarcasm, and I'm a lot more upset by it by than I expect.  Clearly, he is too.

"No," I say, desperate to fix what my impulsive mouth just fucked up.  I realize, in that instant, that losing Alex is perfectly terrifying.  "Not like that...I..."  I stutter and trail off, searching for the right way to say it.

"Oh, so you're not bored in bed, you're bored with me.  That's much better."  I've really fucked up.  He is pissed.  Worse than that, hurt.

"No, Alex!" I exclaim.  "Please, just give me a minute to put my thoughts together coherently so I don't fuck it up even worse."

"Take all the time you need.  I'll try not to get too bored while I wait."  He sits back, leaning against the back of the couch and crossing his arms.  I stare at him.  Even with as unfair as we tend to fight, I have never seen him like this.  I didn't even realize he was capable of being such an asshole.  My eyes start to burn and I blink furiously.  Alex shuts his eyes and rubs his hand over his face.  "Lauren," he says, and the sarcasm is gone.  "I'm sorry.  That was shitty."

"Yeah, it kind of was," I say, before I can stop myself.  I frown. "But I'm not doing much better, I guess."

"You're just making me nervous," he admits.  "With how weird you've been lately I've been worried about this happening.  I've managed to imagine just about every possible thing that could be wrong, and this was one of the things I thought about.  It sucks to hear you say it out loud."

"I love you Alex, and I want to figure this out," I say and the relief is back.  "Can I have 10 minutes to collect my thoughts so we can talk about this without me putting my foot in my mouth again?"  He nods and I stand and go into the kitchen.  I turn on the water and start washing dishes; I always think better when I'm busy.

But my 10 minutes does little more than make me even more nervous.  I still have no idea how I'm going to tell Alex what I'm feeling without hurting him any more than I already had.  I'm nervous enough that I'm shaking and starting to sweat a little when I sit back down.  Alex turns off the TV, which he had turned on while I was in the kitchen, and looks at me expectantly.  I stare back at him helplessly.  I want to kick myself, because I am seriously annoying myself with this shit.

"Laur," Alex says gently, taking one of my trembling hands between both of his and squeezing gently.  "Just get it all out here.  I can take it."

I close my eyes and shake my head slightly, mad at myself for making him think that this was all on him.  "No," I protest.  "I mean, it's my shit, not something you've done.  I just don't really know how to explain it."

I can tell that he's getting sort of frustrated, and I don't blame him.  "Try," he replies, his voice firm.

I nod, take a deep breath, and say, "I'm not used to this whole monogamy thing, and it's hard.  I don't mean it's hard like I want to go out and have sex with other guys, because I most certainly don't.  I love you.  I want to be with you.  But I'm definitely not used to everything being so...easy, for lack of a better word.  And I do miss the chase, and the excitement of pursuing someone new.  And I don't actually know, but I can make a reasonable guess that that's probably pretty normal in relationships, but I've spent so much of my life being able to have that whenever I want, so it's hard for me to get used to.  That's why I started flirting with Logan.  I didn't mean for it to become anything, it just was satisfying my need to have that pursuit."  I glance up at Alex and quickly add, "Which I have now realized was not a good way to satisfy that need."

Alex nods.  He's silent for several seconds, processing.  Then he says, "So I don't really understand how that relates to how weird you've been lately."

I frown, trying to figure out how to articulate it.  "I think I was misplacing my feelings and they came out as irritation at you," I say finally.  "I'm sorry."

"So what do we do to fix it?" he asks.

"I don't know," I reply miserably.  Here I have a man who is willing to help me fix my own damn weird things, and I don't even know what I need from him.  He doesn't say anything, just waits for me to come up with something.  "Well, I mean maybe if things were a little less routine?  I feel like we always eat at the same places and do the same things and I don't do well with routine."

He bursts into laughter, and I glare at him.  "I'm sorry," he says once he catches his breath.  "Lauren, you thrive on routine.  You almost killed me when I interrupted your morning routine and you had to do your hair before you brushed your teeth."

"That's daily routine, that's different!" I argue.  "I mean like routine in life.  You know I don't like to do the same thing over and over."  Alex is still trying to fight his laughter and now I'm getting annoyed.  "Never mind," I grumble.

"No, hey," he responds, getting it under control.  "I'm sorry.  Look, that's fine.  We can do that."

"That's another thing!" I exclaim.  He gives me a weird look.  "You agree with everything I say.  I hate it.  You don't ever challenge me anymore.  I miss that."

He frowns.  "Every time I challenge you we argue.  You were pissed when I called you on the Kinsley stuff a couple weeks ago.  I stopped because it's easier not to."

"I like that though," I say.  "I'm not seriously arguing with you when we do that--like, I'm not upset.  But I like knowing what you think and when you don't agree with me.  It keeps things interesting.  I did get mad about the Kinsley thing, but that's because I wasn't judging her.  I was..." I stop, not wanting to finish that thought.

"You were wishing you were her?" he asks drily.

"Yes," I whisper, looking down.  I feel vaguely sick to my stomach.

"Lauren, it's almost impossible for me to tell when you're arguing for fun or when you're arguing because you're serious and you're upset.  I can try to stop agreeing with everything you say, but I need you to not react quite so aggressively.  Things are different now that we're together.  There are feelings, and it's harder to just debate without it getting ugly and getting real."

"Oh," I say.  I hadn't thought about that.  I hadn't realized he was having a hard time with that.  "Well why didn't you tell me that?" I ask.  "Probably because you didn't want to piss me off," I finish for him after a beat.

"Exactly," he replies.  "You're a little..." he trails off, like he's trying to think of the right word.

"Bitchy?" I supply helpfully.

He laughs.  "Let's go with temperamental."

"I like bitchy better."

"I don't.  You can be temperamental, and as awesome as being with you is for me, it's also a little scary.  I've been waiting so long for it, and knowing that I could lose you in a second is hard.  Especially because I'd have to then watch you do whatever you did after that."

I frown.  "Do you really think I could just walk away and be good?"

"For the last month, yes...I've worried about that.  Lauren, I don't know how you feel half the time unless you're pissed off.  Especially these last few weeks.  It was fine until you started getting really weird and wouldn't talk to me.  I need you to realize that you've got me and you're not going to scare me away by talking to me about things you're not happy with and how you feel.  But when you refuse to talk to me, I jump to the worst in my head, and then I get all freaked out and you're still unhappy, and then this happens."

"I knew you were worried," I admit, "but I guess I didn't realize you were that worried.  I'm sorry."

He smiles wryly.  "Look, we can both sit here and apologize all night, but I think we're good on apologies now--unless I have something to apologize for that you haven't told me yet."  I shake my head.  "Good.  Is there more we should talk about?  I think I've said all the things I needed to."

"I'm good," I say softly.  "I mean, aside from wishing I would have talked to you sooner."

He nods.  "I wish I had talked to you sooner too.  I think if I had told you how much you were freaking me out, that might have helped."

I exhale a long breath I didn't know I was holding, and the room tilts a little.  "Lauren?" Alex asks gently.

"I'm okay," I say quickly, but wonder if I am.  I'm still shaking (or maybe shaking again?) and I'm a little dizzy.  "Um, actually, I can't remember the last time I ate anything.  I think I probably should eat."  I try to remember if I'd had breakfast, because I know I didn't have lunch.  Alex walks into the kitchen and brings me a banana, then goes back and rattles around in there some more.  When he returns, he hands me a sandwich.  "When your boyfriend goes to the kitchen and makes you a sandwich, you keep him," I joke.

"Shut up," he says, laughing.  "And eat your damn sandwich before you pass out on me."  So I eat my sandwich, feeling a bit stupid and dramatic, but also relieved.  The worried look is gone from Alex's eyes, and relief has replaced it.  I eat most of my sandwich and give the rest to Alex.  I feel better already.

Alex gets up and takes my plate and banana peel into the kitchen.  When he comes back, I stand and hug him.  He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly against him, and I sigh.  "Thank you for hearing what I had to say," I say.

"I missed you," he replies.  "You haven't really been here for a few weeks.  This feels better."

"It does," I agree.  "Are you staying with me tonight?"

"I was planning on it."

"Good," I respond, smiling.