While I was eating my lunch at work on Tuesday, I got a group text from Kinsley to me, Lauren, Cassie, and Kendra.  "I desperately need to interact with people that aren't just trying to deduct their nonexistent home office.  Dinner tonight?"  Cassie never responded, but the rest of us made plans to have dinner after work.  Then I called Brody to see what his plans for the evening were.

"I don't know," he said.  "I would love to get out of here by about 8." 

"Sounds thrilling," I joked.  "Call me when you're done?"  He agreed and I let him get back to work.

I left work excited to see Kinsley.  Tax season was eating her alive and it had been awhile.  It had also been awhile since I'd seen Kendra.   Or anyone but Lauren, Brody, or Alex.  This was definitely needed.  I was bummed Cassie wasn't coming though.  I hadn't seen much of her lately either, was I thought was weird considering she lived right next door.

Kinsley and Kendra were at the restaurant already and I hugged them after the hostess showed me to the table they'd gotten.  Kinsley looked exhausted.  It seemed like work was kicking everyone's asses lately.  Lauren arrived shortly after I did, and we ordered drinks and food.  Or, Kinsley, Lauren, and I ordered drinks.  Kendra ordered water.  Lauren eyed her speculatively. 

"I'm not pregnant, so stop looking at me like that," Kendra said, rolling her eyes. 

"Would you tell us if you were?" Kinsley asked skeptically.

"Of course I would!" Kendra replied.  "I'm not pregnant.  But...we are trying, so I'm a little paranoid."  She blushed as she spoke, and Kinsley squealed.

"I want other people to have babies so badly!" she exclaimed.  I laughed.  "What?  I love babies, but I'm definitely not ready for my own, so the obvious solution is for my friends to have babies that I can play with." 

"Fair enough!" I conceded.

"I'm not babysitting," Lauren declared.

Kendra chuckled.  "I wouldn't even dream of asking you."  Lauren looked a little indignant at that, and when she caught me smirking she kicked me under the table. 

We had a great time catching up.  I was hoping for some interesting updates on the Kinsley and Damien front, but she had been so busy that she barely had to time to see him when they were both awake.

"One more month until April 15th and the end of tax season," she reported.  "It's a Wednesday, but I think we should celebrate anyway."  We agreed that we could definitely at least do dinner and drinks.

We parted ways soon after.  Lauren was heading to the grocery store to pick up a couple things, and I told her I'd see her at home.  I had barely walked in the door when my phone rang.  It was Brody.

"Hey!" I answered cheerfully.  "You're done sooner than you thought you'd be."

"They found my dad."  His voice was flat, quiet.

"Oh...?" I replied, not sure how to respond.

He was silent for a second, then said, "I mean...they found his body.  Liv, he's dead."

"Oh my god," I said, shocked.  "Brody, I'm so sorry."  When he didn't say anything, I asked, "Where are you?  Are you still at work?"

"Yeah."

"Can I come get you?"  I was already pulling my shoes on and looking for my keys, which I'd somehow managed to misplace in the 45 seconds I'd been in the house.  I walked upstairs to grab some clothes.  I wasn't sure if he'd want company, but at least I'd be prepared if he did.

"Sure." 

20 minutes later I was parking my car and jabbing at the elevator button.  A security guard was waiting for me when I got to the 8th floor and let me know.  "Do you know where you're going, Miss Saffiano?" he asked me politely.  I nodded and he held the door open and let me through.

I wound my way through the hallways and pushed open the door to Brody's office.  He was standing in front of his window on the phone, with his back to me. He didn't turn around or look my way when I walked in.

"Only a week?" I heard him saying as I approached.  "So next Tuesday? ...Wednesday, okay.  I'll make it work....Of course I haven't looked at tickets yet, I've only known for a half hour."  His voice was getting more and more frustrated sounding as he talked.  "Yes, fine.  I need to go, I have things to take care of."  Without waiting for an answer, he pulled his phone away from his ear and stabbed at the screen.  He tossed it onto the couch behind him and looked at me.  "Hey," he said softly.

"Brody..." I started.  He gave me a weak smile, and I hugged him hard.  "What can I do?" I asked.

"Sit with me?" he asked.  "I need to call my mom back, and I need to find plane tickets.  We have a week to go through his personal effects before the bank brings someone in to sell off everything else and auction the house.  Apparently it was foreclosed on a month or so ago.  And I need to meet with his attorney.  And the board.  And I need to cancel the trip to San Diego, because I need to take care of this.  And--"

"Brody," I interrupted gently.  "One thing at a time.  Call your mom, book a plane ticket.  Then let me take you home."

"Okay," he replied.  I was surprised.  I was expecting some pushback.  He sat down heavily on the couch and pulled me down next to him.  I laced my fingers with his while he dialed his mom.  He talked to her for several minutes about flights and attorneys and wills.  I was overwhelmed just listening to him.  When he hung up, he looked at me.  "Want to go to Miami?" he asked, laughing bitterly.

"Do you want me to go to Miami?" I responded.

He considered this for a minute, then said, "Don't be upset, but I think I'd actually prefer if you didn't.  We just need to get this done."

"I'm not upset at all," I assured him.  "You should be with your family."

He walked to his desk and sat in front of his computer.  "I need to leave in the morning," he said, looking up at me.

"Okay," I replied.

He looked back at his computer, clicking and typing for a few minutes, then looked out the window.  I could see his resolve crumbling.  "This is a fucking nightmare," he muttered, resting his face in his hands and taking a deep, shaky breath.  I walked over to him and squeezed his shoulder.  He swiveled his chair towards me and I stood between his knees and put my arms around him.  When he pulled away, he said, "I booked flights for my mom and I out of Colorado Springs, so she doesn't have to drive up here.  I think I'll drive down tonight."

"Are you going to be okay to drive?" I asked him, concerned.

He smiled.  "I'm okay," he said.  "I'm sorry.  I'd like to spend tonight with you, but I don't think I'd be very good company anyway."

"Don't apologize," I insisted.  "Just please let me know if there's anything I can do."

"I will," he said.  "It might not seem like it, but I'm glad you came here.  So thank you.  I love you."

"I love you too," I replied, kissing him lightly.  He got his stuff together and I waited while he locked up the office and then we left together.  When we got to our cars, I said, "Please let me know when you get your mom's, and when you get to Miami too, okay?"  He assured me that he would. "And Brody--"

"I know," he interrupted.  "I'll let you know if I need anything.  Thank you, Liv."  His words were short, but he smiled at me.  He pulled me into a tight hug, resting his cheek against the top of my head for several seconds.  "I love you."

"I love you too," I responded, tightening my arms around him briefly before we broke apart.  He kissed me lightly and pulled open the door of my car for me.  I got in, and he leaned in and kissed me again before shutting my door and walking around to the driver's side of his SUV and getting in.

Lauren took one look at me when I walked in and immediately became concerned.  "Liv?  What's wrong?  Where were you?"

I dropped my purse on the end table and plopped down heavily onto the couch.  I kicked my shoes off and gave them a half-hearted nudge towards the entry area.  "Brody's dad is dead," I said softly.

Her eyes widened.  "Oh my god," she replied.  "Where did they find him?  Do they think...?" she trailed off, looking at me carefully.

"I don't know.  I don't really know any details.  Brody is on his way down to Colorado Springs.  He and his mom are flying down to Miami in the morning.  I'm assuming I'll know more after they get some of the stuff sorted out."

"Jesus," Lauren breathed.  "Are you going down there?"

"He said he didn't want me to," I said, shrugging.  "I feel bad, because I want to do something, but I want to respect what his wishes."  She nodded.  "So I guess I'll wait for him to let me know what he needs."

"Well, let me know if there's anything you need," Lauren said. 

"I will, thanks Laur."  I hugged Lauren and headed upstairs for bed.  I felt petty for being so irritated with Lauren just a couple days ago.  Tonight I definitely appreciated being able to come home and not be alone, even if I was going to bed.  It was enough to just know that someone was there.

Parallel Dilemmas

Hi, readers!  I'm sorry I didn't get a post up the end of last week.  I'm bummed that I let you guys down, but I appreciate your patience and understanding.  Things are seriously crazy here for me!  But here is tonight's post.  I've got two posts I'm working on right now (I can't do anything one at a time, haha), and I hope for them to be Wednesday's post and a bonus post for sometime this week to make up for last week. As always, thanks for reading!  I appreciate every one of you :)
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On Sunday we took advantage of all the new snow and went snowshoeing.  It was an awesome workout and I was really glad for my excellent night's sleep the night before.  We were pretty lazy for the rest of the day, and went to bed early on Sunday night.

On Monday morning, as he drove into town, Brody said, "You know, I know a guy with a really good repair shop.  He happens to owe me a favor, and if you want, I can drop you off at work and have him come get your car today to check it out."

"Of course he owes you a favor," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Easy on the attitude," he said, surprised.  "You're certainly welcome to take care of it yourself after work, but I thought this might be easier for you."

I blushed.  "I didn't mean to be an asshole.  It just sounded like something out of a mafia movie.  That would be great actually, thank you."

"I'll call him as soon as I get to work," he promised.

Brody dropped me off in front of my office and I leaned over and kissed him goodbye.  I pulled back after a brief kiss but he caught my arm and tugged on it.  I leaned back and kissed him again.  When I pulled back this time I saw Josh walking into the building and rolled my eyes.  "Displayed enough testosterone yet?" I asked mildly.

"He's gone, so I'm good," Brody said back with a smirk.  I started to get out.  "Wait," he said, reaching for my arm again.  "I'm not good.  One more."  I looked back to see if Josh had come back out, and Brody laughed.  "This one's just for me," he assured me.  I kissed him one more time before getting out and walking into the building.

I settled into my office and was starting my computer when I heard a light knock on my doorframe.  I looked up to see Josh smirking at me from the doorway.  "Good morning, Josh," I said politely.

"Mornin'," he replied casually.  "What's wrong with your car?"

"Why do you think something's wrong with my car?" I asked.

"Well, you almost always drive yourself, but I had to witness your PDA in the parking lot with the Brody Adler, businessman extraordinaire, so I figured maybe your car was out of commission."  I rolled my eyes at his sarcastic tone.

"I got in a little fender bender the other night so it's being looked at today.  No big deal."

"Are you okay?" he asked, suddenly sounding concerned.  "Was it on Friday, in the storm?"

"It was," I replied.  "And I'm okay.  Thank you."  I smiled and turned back to my computer, and after a second he took the hint.

"See ya later," he said as he walked back to his office. 

After my last client was done at 5, I saw I had just missed a call from Brody.  I called him back.  "Hi gorgeous," he greeted me.  "Rob is on his way to your office with your car.  The alignment was a bit off, so he straightened it out.  He popped out the dent too.  They can order you a new bumper cover, but I figured you'd kill me if I okayed that without talking to you."

I laughed.  "I wouldn't have killed you, but I definitely would have been irritated.  I'm not going to bother with that right now, it's just cosmetic.  Thank you for getting this taken care of for me."

"Oh, and you were close to needing an oil change, so I just had him do that too," he added.

"You're the best," I replied.  "Thank you."

"It's the least I can do after the way I acted on Friday," he said softly.

"Stop it," I scolded him.  "It's not like I was a perfect gem on Friday either.  And it's over."  The page box popped up on my computer, and I said, "Looks like he's here, I should go.  I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow," he agreed.  "Love you, Liv."

"Love you too, bye."

I walked up front and was told that the man in the waiting room was for me.  He stood as I came out and handed me my keys.  "Your car is good as new," he informed me.  "Besides the rear bumper cover, anyway.  Just let us know if you want us to order you a new one."

"Thank you, I'm going to wait on that for now," I replied politely.

"No problem.  Your car is in really great condition," he continued.  "You've kept up on the maintenance and it's low mileage for its year.  If you wanted something a little better suited to driving those roads, you'd get a great trade-in value on it."  

I considered this for a second.  I hadn't even thought about getting a new car any time soon, but my old CR-V really wasn't the best suited for some of the roads I drove on.  It was fine in town, of course, but something a little heavier and with a better AWD system probably wouldn't be a bad choice.  "Thanks for the tip," I said, smiling.  "I'll consider it.  How much do I owe you?"

He shook his head.  "It's been taken care of, ma'am.  Have a good day."

When I got back to my office I sent Brody a text that just said, "Thank you.  I love you."  I got a text back immediately that said, "You're welcome.  I love you too.  Have fun with Lauren tonight, while I sit at home bored by myself ;)"  I replied with "You mean while you stay at work until midnight?  I know your life, Adler."  His quick reply read, "Guilty.  I'll see you tomorrow, gorgeous." 

I shook my head and finished up my paperwork for the day so I could go home.  When I got out to my car, I saw that there was no trace of the dent that had been in the rear fender.  It drove smoothly home, much better than it had since my little accident.

When I walked inside, I was surprised to find Lauren storming around the kitchen.  She roughly shoved clean silverware into a drawer and then slammed it shut.  She spun on her heel to grab some glasses out of the dishwasher, and started when she saw me.  "Oh," she said dumbly.  "I didn't hear you come in."

"I'd imagine you were too busy punishing the silverware," I teased her.  She rolled her eyes, but didn't protest when I took the two glasses out of her hand and set them gently in the cabinet.  We finished putting away the dishes together, silently.  When we were finished, Lauren pulled open the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine.  "What do you want to eat to go with the wine?" I asked.

She shrugged.  "Don't care, wine is fine."

"Lauren?" I asked gently.  "What's up?"

She regarded me--almost suspiciously--for several seconds, as if deciding how much to say.  With a shrug and a sigh, she plopped down into a chair and said, "Alex and I got into a fight.  A big one.  And I'm pretty sure I fucked everything up."

I took the bottle of wine out of her hands and poured us each a glass then sat down.  "What happened?"

She rolled her eyes before starting.  "We were at his house yesterday, and we'd had a great day together.  But then he brought up 'us' and 'defining the relationship' and I freaked out a little."

"A little?" I asked, raising my eyebrows skeptically.

She glared at me.  "A lot.  A whole fucking lot.  Liv, I made an ass out of myself.  He brought it up the way that guys do--sort of joking, but you know they're serious and just being careful?"  She looked at me and I nodded.  I knew exactly what she meant.  "I tried to just kind of blow it off and change the subject because I didn't want to talk about it.  Why do we have to talk about it?  He knows I'm not seeing anyone.  Or sleeping with anyone, for that matter.  I know that he's not.  Why do we have to make a big show of officially saying 'okay, so we're exclusive and now we're boyfriend and girlfriend forever and ever or until one of us pisses the other off badly enough that we're not anymore'?"  I shrugged.  "And he told me...Liv he told me that he wasn't going to push for anything that I don't want.  Well, I don't want to have that conversation!"

I almost laughed at her indignance.  I managed to turn it into a sympathetic smile as she took a long drink of her wine.  "I mean," she continued, "it's been a few months already.  Why do we need to talk about it now?  That ship has sailed, if you ask me.  Anyway, he called me out on avoiding the subject, and it all just escalated from there."  I didn't say anything, not sure if she was done or not.  "Well?" she demanded.  Apparently she was done.

"It's interesting that he brought it up now," I agreed.  "Especially since he's already offered to let you move in with him."  Lauren nodded vehemently, clearly agreeing.  "I don't suppose you asked him why he's bringing it up now?"

She stared blankly at me, then frowned.  "Well, I don't think I did, no."

"That might be a good place to start," I suggested.

Her face crumpled and for a brief, terrifying second, I thought she was going to cry.  I racked my brain to try to pinpoint a memory of ever seeing Lauren cry, and I couldn't.  I had no idea what to do with her if she did.  Luckily, she took a deep breath and barreled on.  "I...can't," she admitted.  I gave her a questioning look.  "He called me tonight.  He tried to act like yesterday didn't happen, which would have been ideal for me, except now that I know that he's not happy that we haven't defined our stupid relationship, it bugs me that he's just letting it go.  So I kind of sarcastically asked him if he was just going to pretend that our huge fight didn't happen and he blew up at me and said he was trying to be supportive of my 'weird and kind of stupid relationship quirks' and he was tired of walking on eggshells and trying to navigate my 'anti-commitment bullshit' with no help from me."  Lauren looked exhausted and defeated, and I had never seen her like this.

"Laur," I said gently, "You know that I love you, weird quirks and all, but even I don't understand all of them.  Maybe it's not fair to expect him to."

"I don't," she said quickly, defensively.

"You do," I said.  "And, to your defense, he was so understanding about everything that it probably seems like he gets it--and really, I'm sure he does get a lot of it.  But he clearly doesn't understand it all quite as well as you hoped he did.  And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that expecting men to read your mind is an exercising in head-banging futility."

"It doesn't matter," she said miserably.  "I already blew it.  He's pissed."

"Maybe.  Maybe not.  If you want to save the relationship, and you clearly do, give him some time to cool off and then talk to him."  She looked at me with horror.  "I know," I teased.  "You might have to admit you're wrong."

She glared at me over the rim of her wine glass, but then her face softened.  "But what do I say?  I've never had to have these stupid conversations before.  This is why I just sleep with people."

"You tell him why you freaked out.  Ask him to explain why this is important to him.  Then you have to figure out if it's something you're willing to compromise on."

"This is stupid, isn't it?" she asked.  "It's really stupid that I'm fighting with him because he wants to have a conversation in which we officially establish that we're in a committed and exclusive relationship, and I don't want to, even though we are in a committed and exclusive relationship."

"I mean, if you were anyone but you, I'd be really confused," I agreed.  "Since you're you, I'm not surprised.  And I mean that with all the love in the world."

"Okay.  I'll call him, but tomorrow.  And I'm over this conversation.  Tell me about your life."

I filled her in on my eventful weekend, and we laughed about the fact that we had both had serious arguments with Brody and Alex about next-level relationship issues.  Lauren seemed to be able to tell that I didn't want to dissect why I freaked out about moving in with Brody, and she let that slide by and I was thankful.

After catching up on work and other random things, we ended up ordering a pizza and watching trashy TV together, just like we used to.   As I was walking up the stairs for bed later, I said, "You know, this was way overdue.  Can we do this every week?  Monday nights--you, me, pizza, wine, and bad reality TV?"

"Yes!" Lauren agreed.  "I love that idea."

As I was laying in bed, I pondered Lauren's dilemma, which of course led to pondering my own parallel dilemma.  I couldn't put my finger on why I didn't want to move in with Brody, even though the idea was appealing.  I guess I was scared of things not working out and being screwed in the end.  But nothing about our relationship had pointed to anything like that happening.  And I did see this being a long-term thing.  Marriage, kids, the whole works.  I fell asleep still rolling the idea around in my mind.

Sorry guys, I'm going to flake on tomorrow's post.  I thought I had something written, and it turns out it was only about a third of a post.  I will try to have something up by the end of the week, though! 

(Now) Brody: I Told You So

I slaved away so you guys could have two posts this weekend.  Actually, I'm procrastinating, and this is an excellent way to do it!  If you didn't see that I posted yesterday, you should go read that post first.  I hope you enjoy this peek into Brody's thoughts!
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As much as I wished she wouldn't have done it, I get why Liv let Lauren move in.  Despite my anti-roommate protests, I would have done the same for Alex or Kevin or Christian in a heartbeat.  And I was still trying to wrap my head around Lauren and Alex dating, so I knew that Lauren moving in with him would be a questionable choice at best.  But when my stubborn-as-hell girlfriend found out she had gotten more than she bargained for, I wasn't shocked.

To be honest, it had its benefits.  I got to spend even more time with her, which was good.  I just took on a couple new high-profile clients and I was putting in extra hours again to make sure everything went perfectly.  It was worth it for my company's reputation to continue to get better and better, but it meant seeing less of Liv.  For her part, she was being surprisingly understanding about it.  I think knowing that I wouldn't unexpectedly have to travel helped a lot.  Plus, while I was spending more time at the office, my phone was ringing less after-hours, which meant fewer interruptions into the time I did get to spend with her.

We were also spending more time at my house.  While Liv's house is convenient and close to things to do, restaurants, and work, I loved my house.  I bought it for a reason.  It was sort of an impulse buy.  It was only the third house I looked at, and I put in an offer before I even left the showing.  When I walked in, it felt like mine, and it had everything on my "must-have" list, and almost everything from my "would be nice" list.  Turns out that there were already a couple offers on it, but I was bound and determined so I made an offer over listing price right there on the spot.  Two weeks later we closed and it was officially mine.  Luckily, the inspection had come back positively too; I would have been pissed if I'd had to walk away because of expansive soil damage or something.

It was a no-brainer for me to give Liv a key to my house.  I anticipated some frustration with her new roommate and it seemed like a logical next step.  Plus, I did have her key.  I was a little surprised that she had decided to use it already, but after seeing the mess that Lauren was capable of, it made sense.  But the first couple times she elected to spend a night at my house instead of hers, I had to fight an immature urge to say "I told you so."

The day that she started to just wander around my kitchen like it was hers, taking things out to make something to eat, was the day I started imagining what it would be like if it was hers.  Actually...ours.  Of course I had thought about living with Liv before...hell, I had thought about marrying Liv, having kids with Liv, being old with Liv.  But that was all sort of "what if?" fantasy.  As I stood in the doorway of my kitchen, watching her pull seemingly random things out to put together into a meal for us, I could actually imagine living with her.  Here.

It worried me that she was seemingly so against Lauren living with Alex.  I had no idea where she stood on someday moving in with me.  As far as I knew, she hadn't really thought about it.  I wasn't sure how I felt about that.  I wanted to marry her.  I may not have a lot of actual relationship experience but I know what I want, and just like my house, Liv has everything on my "must-have" list, and most of the things on my "would be nice" list. 

We had planned for Liv to spend the weekend at my house, and when I came home on Friday to Liv and dinner, I was sold on wanting to live with her.  Look, I'm not a 1950s jackass that expects dinner on the table when I get home, but I dare anyone to deny that coming home to a beautiful woman and an amazing dinner already prepared is one of the best ways to end a long week.

I figured it was as good a time as any to broach the subject.  She was irritated with Lauren and clearly making herself at home here, so why not?  I intended for it to come out a little more experimentally and a little less "hey, why don't you move in here next week?", but I was nervous and it came out less as a suggestion of something to explore, and more as a suggestion for an immediate solution to her problem.  And when she said it wasn't a good idea, I thought it would help to provide reasons that it was, which just made it seem even pushier. To top it all off, it all came out very matter-of-fact, which is not the best way to invite someone you love to live with you, I quickly discovered.

Of course, once we got into the conversation, the way she just balked and shut it down completely pissed me off a little.  It wasn't even a conversation.  It was me putting myself out there and her shutting it down, over and over.  And then I made the mistake of bringing up John.  That wasn't fair, but I was committed to this angle now, so I couldn't just drop it.  If I had just let it go...

But I didn't.  I don't know why.  Maybe I was hoping that if I pushed hard enough she'd show some real feelings.  Some plans or hopes for the future.  Brilliant plan, huh?  It clearly worked out well.  And I was truly surprised when she suddenly declared she needed to leave.  There was nothing about that idea that I liked.  For one thing, it was nearly midnight and the roads were bound to be even worse than they had been when I got home at 8.  For another, driving while upset is a terrible plan.  But what scared me the most was a weird feeling that if I let her walk out the door right now, this wasn't going to be okay.  For some reason, I just felt like this would resolve better if she stayed here and we talked about it in the morning.  There was something so final about her leaving without this resolved, especially since I had no idea what was going on in her head.

But everything I said just made me her angrier and I finally gave up.   I had no idea what to do to make it better at this point.  I just wish she would have let me drive her.  I tried to not let myself worry for at least 20 minutes, because that's the amount of time it takes to get to her house from mine with good road conditions.  I stared at the clock after that.  Knowing that it had taken me nearly 40 minutes to get home from work, I knew that would be a reasonable estimate for her too.  Probably a little more, because my vehicle handled the snow better than hers.

Every minute past 40 made me more and more anxious.  I started thinking about my sister's accident, and cursing myself for letting her go.  I should have made her stay.  She would have been absolutely livid, but at least I'd know she was safe.  By time time 50 minutes had passed, I started to feel sick.  I tried to reason with myself that it made sense for it to take her longer because more snow had fallen.  I told myself that she grew up driving in snow and was a smart, good driver.  But I couldn't push from my mind the pictures of the scene of my sister's accident that had been so carelessly published in the local paper.

At the 57 minute mark, I was putting on my boots.  I had all but convinced myself she was stuck in a ditch or dead in a fatal accident, and I was going to go find out.  My phone vibrated as I grabbed my coat off the back of a chair, and I looked at it, not sure whether to feel panicky or hopeful.  I sighed in relief when I saw it was her and that she was home.  I felt like an idiot for letting myself get all worked up about it, and I just sat for several minutes trying to slow my heartbeat before I pulled off my boots and headed upstairs to try to get some sleep.

I tossed and turned restlessly for over an hour before I finally fell into a light sleep riddled with dreams of mangled cars and flashing lights and dead bodies.  I woke up pretty early, feeling like I got hit by a truck.  I checked my phone optimistically, hoping a text from Liv would be waiting.  Nothing.  I decided I wasn't going to be the first to flinch here, and hauled myself to the shower.

I headed into the office because I had plenty to do and needed to keep my brain occupied.  I was glad to see that the plows had been out overnight and the roads were much better.  I let myself into the office and turned on my computer, dreading the large amounts of emails I probably had.  The one line I had drawn for myself was that I wouldn't check work emails when I wasn't at work, or working from home.  I didn't get them on my phone.  I didn't check them while I was laying in bed or sitting in front of the TV.  If there was an emergency, I would get a phone call.  Anything that could wait long enough to be communicated in email form could wait until I was actually working.  Of course, that meant that I collected huge amounts of emails over the weekends and even overnight sometimes.

At first, the longer I went without hearing from Liv, the more irritated I got.  But as lunchtime drew nearer, I realized that I had approached last night's conversation all wrong, especially since I had no idea how Liv felt about potentially someday living with me.  I knew I needed to give her the space she'd asked for to process last night, but I wanted her to know that I was willing to have a conversation when she was, so I sent her a text just asking her to call when she was ready.  To my surprise, she called me back within 15 minutes.  We made plans for her to meet me here.

I was surprised by her appearance when I met her near the reception desk and led her back to my office.  She wasn't wearing any makeup, which was rare for her, and she looked pale and drawn.  I figured she had slept probably about as well as I had.

I made sure to apologize right away, wanting this conversation to get off on the best foot possible.  The last thing I wanted was for us to argue again, and I knew that if neither of us had slept, it would be easy to slip down that path.  I knew she was upset, but when she started to sob, I was confused.  I had no idea what to say because I didn't know what was wrong.  And I was frustrated, because I just wanted her to tell me what was going on.

When she confessed to the accident, several feelings pulled at me.  Anger that she had been stubborn enough to leave last night and that I had been too weak to stop her, frustration that she couldn't just tell me what she was feeling last night, fear at the memories of my sister's accident that still hadn't sunk back into the depths of my subconscious, relief that she was okay, and a weird, bitter vindication that I had been right to be worried.  I hadn't been ridiculous in my anxiety last night.  I had been right.  I almost laughed then, until the reality hit me that she had gotten really lucky.  All these feelings fought within me while I squeezed my eyes shut, deciding what I wanted to say.  I went with the safe choice and hugged her while saying, "I'm glad you're okay."

We worked out plans for the weekend, and I got Liv a blanket and pillow so she could nap while I finished stuff up.  I tried to wake her after about an hour, but she just groaned and turned her head.  I let her sleep while I did some more work.  I still had no idea where she was on moving in--except that she was definitely not considering it for now, which was fine.  I would be perfectly okay with her moving in tomorrow, but I had no desire to push her into something she wasn't ready for.   I was curious if she had any sort of timeline in mind, but I knew I had to let this blow over before I tried to bring it up again.  Either way, I was ready for a serious conversation about the future.  I just hoped that she would be able to have that conversation at some point soon.

Stubborn

Look, I'm easy.  I guess you can call this a bonus post.  Really I just moved tomorrow's post to today, but  I hope to have a post up from Brody's perspective tomorrow or Monday.  That will be the real bonus post.  Enjoy :)
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My car spun twice before I lost track of the rotations.  I came to a hard stop with my car's back end in the drift just beyond the shoulder on the other side of the road, my front end sticking into the lane of oncoming traffic.  A pair of headlights was bearing down on me and all I could do was shut my eyes and hope they didn't hit me straight on.

But the impact I was expecting didn't come.  I opened my eyes and saw a vehicle stopped crookedly just a couple feet away from my car.  Their driver's door opened and a middle aged man rushed over to my car.  I rolled down my window.  "Are you okay?" he asked me breathlessly.

I was completely incapable of forming words at this moment.  I was far too busy shaking and thanking the universe that I wasn't hurt.  "Miss?" he said anxiously.  "Should I call someone?  Do you need an ambulance?  Is there someone that come get you?"

"No," I croaked finally.  I cleared my throat and tried again.  "No, thank you.  I'm okay.  Just really freaked out.  Can you...do you think you can help me get my car back on the road?" I was stuck pretty firmly into the drift behind me.

"Are you sure?  You don't look so good," he said, looking worried.

"Please.  I just need to go home."  He grabbed a shovel from his vehicle and I grabbed mine and we dug away some of the snow.  Luckily, at this hour the roads were deserted.  After about 15 minutes, I got back in.  My car started right away, and with a good shove from the man who had stopped, I was headed back towards home.

I made it, nearly an hour after I had started.  Brody was probably in near panic-mode.  I pulled out my phone and sent him a text before I even turned off my car, letting him know I made it. 

I had a text back immediately, but I waited until I was inside to read it.  "Good.  I was getting really worried.  Thanks for letting me know."  Seconds later, I got another.  "I love you Liv."  I texted back that I loved him too, and got ready for bed.

I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and when I fell into bed I couldn't stop myself from crying.  I was still shaky from my near-accident and totally overwhelmed by what had happened with Brody.  I didn't understand why he was pushing me so hard to do something I wasn't comfortable with.  And I was angry at myself for being completely unwilling to talk about it.

It me forever to calm down enough to fall asleep.  Once I fell asleep, I slept restlessly, waking with a nightmare about Jordan and then just general weird dreams for the rest of the night.  When I dragged myself out of bed, I forced myself to go to the gym and burn off some of my anxious energy.

When I got home, I greeted Lauren and went up to shower.  After my shower, I saw I had a text from Brody.  "Please call me when you're ready to talk."  I pulled on leggings and an oversized sweater and sat down on my bed to call him.

"Hi," he said tentatively when he answered. 

"Hi," I replied.

We were both quiet for several seconds, and then he said, "So, I think I owe you an apology, and I'd really like to see you.  I'm at my office, can I come over in a little while?"

"Lauren's here," I replied.

"Are you willing to come here?  To the office?  That'll be more private, if you want," he said.

I agreed, and told him I'd be there in a half hour.  I dried my hair and took off, saying a quick bye to Lauren.

I called Brody when I had parked, and he met me at the desk on his floor.  He hugged me tightly and led me back to his office, pulling the door shut firmly behind him.  We sat on the couch, and I pulled my feet out of my boots and tucked them under me.

"Liv," Brody started, looking pained.  "I'm really sorry.  I was pushy and I should have just accepted that you weren't ready when said it.  If you're not ready, I understand that.  But I don't get why you left."

I took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry too.  I was super quick to dismiss it and I probably could handled it better.   And then the storming out was...not good.  I just felt so trapped by the entire conversation."

I could see the guilt and distress in his face, and when he said, "I hate that you felt so trapped by my actions that you risked your safety to leave," I felt a stab of shame.  I looked down at my hand, and a tear slid down my cheek.  "Liv?"  Brody asked, sounding concerned.  When I didn't answer, he spoke again.  "Olivia?  Talk to me." 

The tears came full force then, and I couldn't have talked even if I wanted to.  He tugged my feet out from under me and shifted them over his legs so he could get close enough to pull me against him. He didn't say anything, just rubbed my back and waited until I stopped.  When I had, he asked, "What's going on?"

I tried to figure out a way to explain, but finally just blurted out, "I'm so fucking stubborn that I made a terrible decision just to make a point.  I didn't leave because I felt trapped.  I mean, I did feel trapped, and that's originally why I wanted to leave, but by the end I left to make a point.  And you were right."  The tears were sliding down my cheeks again, and Brody brushed them away, looking confused.  "You were right.  I shouldn't have been driving, and I spun out and almost got into an accident.  That's what took me so long to get home.  I had to literally dig my car out of a snowbank while the front end sat in the oncoming traffic lane.  The guy that helped me dig out barely stopped before he hit me." 

"Jesus, Liv," Brody said, closing his eyes briefly.  When he opened them, he looked like he was about to say something, and the look on his face was similar to the look my mom gets when she lectures me about something stupid I did.  Then he shook his head slightly and hugged me tightly.  "I'm glad you're okay."

"You were going to lecture me," I observed.  "Probably about being so stubborn that it makes me stupid.  Don't worry, I've heard that one before."

Brody laughed a little.  "Well, those aren't the words I'd use at all.  And I'm pretty sure you don't need a lecture right now, though it is tempting to deliver one and I certainly can if you want.  I was really fucking worried about you last night, Liv.  My sister..."  He stopped talking, and my heart sank.  I hadn't even thought about his sister's accident and how eerily similar the events leading up to my fender bender last night were to it.  Because, as usual, I was too busy thinking about myself.  I pressed my face into his chest as he continued,  "You are stubborn as hell, but I love that about you."

I snorted.  "I'm sure you do."

"I really do," he insisted.  "I got to where I am by working hard and steamrolling people.  I'm not proud of the steamrolling part, and it's not something that I ever want to do to you, but sometimes--like last night--I do it without meaning to.  I'm glad that you're stubborn because when it slips out like that, I know you won't let me run you over.  I need that.  I need someone to push back."

I considered this for a minute, then nodded.  I slipped my arms out from where they were tucked between us and wrapped them around him, leaning hard against his chest.

"You're okay?" Brody asked.  "We're okay?"

"I'm okay," I confirmed.  "We're okay."  He kissed the top of my head, and we sat there silently for a few minutes.

"What do you want to do for the rest of the weekend?" he asked.

"Stay away from Lauren," I replied.  "I just need a break."

Brody chuckled.  "We can stay at my house," he offered.  I agreed.  "Can we take my car?  The roads were still not good when I drove in this morning, and it sounds like your car has been through enough this weekend."

I punched him lightly in the arm, but I laughed.  "Yes, please.  I don't want to drive out there again right now anyway.  I can take my car home and get some stuff and you can meet me there."

Brody thought for a second, then said, "Or, if you don't mind leaving your car and waiting here for a bit, I can bring you home when I'm done and then we can head out.  It'll make for a shorter commute for both of us on Monday."

"That's an awesome idea," I agreed.  "How much more work do you have?"

"Well, I could stay for hours," he said, making a face.  "But to finish up what I absolutely have to, maybe 45 minutes?  An hour at the absolute most.  I can grab you one of the laptops if you want something to do."

"Actually," I said, yawning.  "I might just lay on your couch."

He studied my face.  "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Not much," I admitted.  He stood and walked to a door in the corner of the large office.  He opened it and produced a pillow and blanket from a small closet and brought them over to me.

I gave him a weird look as I accepted them.  "You've slept here?  And often, apparently."

He laughed.  "The first few months after I moved up here from Miami to open this office, I spent more nights on that couch than I did in my bed," he said.  "And the same for the first couple weeks I was back from Miami this last time, after I had bought out my dad.  It's actually a really comfortable couch."

I settled down onto the couch while Brody went back to his desk.  The last thing I heard before falling asleep was the tapping of his fingers on the keyboard.

I woke up to Brody gently shaking me.  I sat up but quickly leaned my head back down against the back of the couch and yawned.  Brody laughed at me.  "You're done already?" I asked groggily, eyes shut.

"Already?" he teased. "I tried to wake you up two hours ago when I finished what I said I was going to finish, but you were out cold.  You've been sleeping almost 3 hours."

"Wow," I said in surprise, opening my eyes all the way finally. 

"I told you it was a comfortable couch," he said with a grin, offering me his hand.  I took it and let him pull me up.  When I was standing, Brody pulled me into a fierce hug.  "I love you, Liv," he murmured into my hair.  "So much.  You scared the shit out of me last night, between you driving in that weather so late and me having no idea what was going on in your head."

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice muffled against his chest.  "I shouldn't have taken off like that, and I don't plan on doing it again.  It was not a fun night."  

"I'm just glad you're safe," he said.  "Should we get out of here?"

"Yes," I agreed.

When we got down to his car, he paused by mine, which was parked next to it.  He surveyed my rear driver's side fender, which was sporting a large, angry dent, and the bumper cover, which was cracked in two places.  "You should get this checked out to make sure your alignment isn't off or your suspension damaged," he advised me.  I told him I would.

Brody drove to my house, where I packed a bag with stuff for Sunday and Monday.  As I was leaving my room, Lauren poked her head out of her room.  "Hey," she said tentatively.  "Are you...?"

"Going to Brody's," I responded shortly.  I cringed at my tone.  "I'm sorry, that was not nice sounding.  Yes, I'm spending the rest of the weekend at Brody's house."

She paused, looking down, and then back at me.  "Are you mad at me?" she asked.  Her voice was soft and she looked nervous, and I was immediately reminded of pre-makeup and dresses high school Lauren.

My shoulders sagged, and I set my bag down.  "I'm not mad," I started, searching for the best words.  "I'm difficult to live with, and I know that.  That's why I was living by myself.  I know you're doing the best you can to find a place, and I appreciate that.  And I love you so much, but I'm just getting a little weird about my space, I guess.  It's nothing you've done wrong.  You just do things differently than me, and that's hard for me.  I don't want this whole roommates thing to ruin our friendship, which is why I'm going to be at Brody's for the rest of the weekend."

She nodded, looking relieved.  "Okay, I'm glad you're not mad.  I don't want this to ruin our friendship either.  And I can try to do things the way you like them..."

"No," I said quickly.  "Really.  It's good practice for me, learning to be flexible with my space."  I smirked at her, and she laughed.  "Do you have plans on Monday?  Can we make dinner and hang out after work?"

"Please!" she said quickly.  "Let's do it."  She popped all the way out of her room and hugged me tightly.  "Thank you for being patient with this, Liv, I really do appreciate it."  This tentative, ingratiating Lauren did not come out often, and it was throwing me off, but the whole situation was weird.  I was hopeful that hanging out on Monday would help.  And I really did need to loosen up about it.

"I love you, Laur.  Don't forget it!"

I threw my bag in the backseat of Brody's car and climbed in the front.  "Sorry it took so long," I apologized.  "Lauren wanted to touch base, and we talked for a few minutes."

"How'd that go?" Brody asked, backing out of the driveway.

"Good, actually."  I filled him in on our conversation and plans for Monday.  "I'm relieved that she brought it up.  I should have just talked to her."

I spent the rest of my drive with my eyes shut, both out of tiredness and a little out of anxiety.  I figured if I couldn't see the roads, they couldn't make me nervous.  I opened my eyes when Brody pulled into his garage, still sleepy but relieved we had made it without incident. 

We surveyed Brody's fridge for stuff for dinner and settled on making breakfast for dinner: French toast, eggs, and sausage.  Breakfast for dinner is one of my favorite things.  After we ate, Brody poured me a second glass of wine (because wine absolutely goes with French toast, eggs, and sausage) and we headed for the couch.

Brody put in a movie and I leaned against him, feeling relaxed for the first time since the day before.  I got up partway through to take my glass into the kitchen and when I came back, he pulled me down into his lap.  He kissed me softly, his lips barely brushing against mine.  "I didn't get to do this last night," he murmured against my ear, brushing his lips slowly down the outer edge of my ear before tugging gently on my earlobe with his teeth.

I shivered and started to squirm around so I could face him but he eased me back onto the couch and laid on top of me.  He kept one arm wrapped tightly around my waist and supported his weight with that elbow.  He brushed my hair out of my face, his touch feather-light against my skin.  I sighed softly, enjoying his fingers against my skin.

"I love that sound," he said, before pressing his lips back to mine.  We moved slowly, kissing, touching, tasting each other for nearly an hour before he finally eased inside of me.  By the time we were finished, I had lost track of the number of orgasms I'd had, and I was absolutely spent.  Brody shifted me so he could lay next to me on the couch, and once he was settled, he wrapped an arm around my waist and burrowed his face into my neck.

"You might have to carry me to bed," I mumbled, yawning.  "I'm exhausted."

Brody laughed.  "It's only 8:30," he said.  "And you took a 3 hour nap this afternoon!"

"I think that made it worse," I groaned. 

"I didn't sleep well last night either," he admitted.  "So I'll be ready for bed soon too, probably." We ended up falling asleep on the couch, and stayed there for several hours until Brody woke me up and we went up to bed.

Let it Snow?

I got to work a little early and settled in to check my email and make sure I was caught up on paperwork.  "8 inches," came a voice from my doorway, not long after I settled down.

"Excuse me?" I asked, bewildered, looking up at Josh as he smirked in my doorway.  He was constantly smirking, and it made me want to smack him.

"I said, '8 inches'," he repeated, cocking his head to one side and looking at me innocently.  Then he winked.  Gross.

"Riiight, okay," I replied, looking back at my computer, wondering if he meant to be as inappropriate as he sounded.

"Of snow," he continued, finally finishing the sentence.  "We're supposed to get up to 8 inches by tomorrow morning.  Did you hear?"

"I hadn't heard the exact forecast, but I guess I'm not shocked," I said.  "Last time I checked, we live in Colorado."  After Saturday night (for which he was showing absolutely no shame, not that that surprised me), I had no patience to even try to act polite.

"I don't understand it, but sometimes people forget that we get winter here too," he said with a shrug.  "Well, drive safe later."  When I looked up next, he was gone.  I breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to my email.

By the time I left work, it was snowing lightly.  There was maybe a half inch on the ground already.  Of course, it was enough to make people drive 15 miles an hour, and it took me forever to get home.  I pulled my car into the garage and took a deep breath, hoping to enter a house that was cleaner than the last time I left it.

I gritted my teeth when I walked in and saw the brownie mess still present in the kitchen.  It was a little more contained, but the sink was filled so high with soaking dishes that I couldn't have even filled a glass from the faucet.  I took another deep breath and peeked into the living room.  I was relieved to see the laundry was all neatly folded, and could even pretend to ignore the basket full of it at the bottom of the stairs.  I walked in and picked up a plate and glass from the coffee table and brought them into the kitchen, setting them on the counter with the rest of Lauren's dishes.

When I turned towards the fridge, I saw one of Lauren's big florescent pink Post-Its sticking to it.  I went to read it.  "Hey Liv, I'm at Alex's for the night, since it's closer to work and it's supposed to snow.  I'll clean up tomorrow evening."  Seriously?  She couldn't have taken 15 minutes to clean up before she high-tailed it out of here? 

Frustrated, I yanked open the door to the refrigerator and pulled out some chicken.  I looked in the cabinet for my big frying pan, only to realize it was dirty.  It had something congealed in it, and I couldn't even get at the sink to wash it without juggling all the dirty, water-filled dishes first.  I slammed the cabinet door closed and pulled out my phone.

"Hey Liv," Brody answered after 3 rings.

"Can I spend the night with you?" I asked.

"Yeah, but I won't be home until at least 8, probably later," he replied.

"That's fine, don't hurry on my account.  I just need to get out of this mess."

"Not any better?" he asked sympathetically.

"No, and she won't be back to clean it up until tomorrow.  So I'm getting out of here so I can calm down enough to talk to her about it.  If I stay here, I'm going to end up cleaning it up, and then I'll just be even angrier."

"Okay," he said.  "But go soon please, before there's too much snow on the ground."

The roads were decent still as I made my way to Brody's house.  I grabbed some fast food on my way out there to console myself, and quickly changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt before planting myself on Brody's couch.  Brody made it home around 9:30 and let me vent before we both went to bed.  I asked if there had been any news about his dad, but Brody just shook his head and changed the subject.

I stayed a little late at work on Tuesday, hoping to give Lauren ample time to clean up before I got home.  I had calmed down considerably and was confident in my ability to have a reasonable conversation with her...as long as the house was clean when I got home.

Lauren was finishing up the dishes when I walked in the door, and I was relieved.  "Hey!" she greeted me cheerfully.  "Where have you been?"

"At Brody's," I replied.

Before I could say anything else, Lauren spoke up.  "Sorry about the mess!  It won't happen again, I promise!"  I didn't believe that, but not wanting the confrontation with a friend, I decided against saying anything else and just nodded.  We made dinner and ate together, catching up on each other's lives.

"Have you talked to Lynn lately?" Lauren asked.

"Yes!" I said excitedly.  I had just spoken to her this weekend.  "She thinks she's going to get go home soon.  Or, not home.  She'll be staying with her parents for awhile because she's still not getting around perfectly and needs help with a lot of things, but she can at least get out of the rehab center."

"That's awesome," Lauren agreed.  We passed the rest of the evening chatting and watched trashy TV.
On Friday it snowed again, light snow for most of the day.  I watched it out my window as I did paperwork before I left.  Lauren had texted me at lunch to let me know that Alex was spending the night, so I had planned to go out to Brody's so they could have some space.

I beat him there, and decided to make dinner while I waited for him.  I felt a little weird wandering around his house like it was mine, making myself at home.  But Brody certainly didn't seem to mind when he made it home around 8 to find that dinner was ready.

"The roads are shitty," he commented.  "I was going to stop somewhere to pick up some food, but then I decided it would take me long enough just to get home, and I'm glad I didn't stop."

After dinner we put on a movie and laid on the couch.  I hardly ever watched movies before I started dating Brody, and now it was hard to find one I hadn't seen.  After the movie, he sat up and stretched, then asked, "So how are things with Lauren?"

I grimaced.  "I don't know.  Lauren and I are fine, I guess, but nothing's changed.  She made something and left half the kitchen torn apart again.  And this was right after I had just finished cleaning it.  So it was frustrating.  But I'm trying to cut her some slack, because neither of us are used to living with a roommate.  Plus, I value our friendship more than I value a clean kitchen." 

"You guys are much better as friends that live apart," Brody agreed.

"Yeah, I hope she finds a new place soon.  I really, really want to still like her when she moves out."

"Well," Brody said, "What if you moved out?"  I looked at him, apprehensive of where he was going with this.  "And moved in with me?"

I stared at him blankly.  Did he really just ask me to move in with him?  He was silent, waiting for me to say something.  "Ummm...wow," I managed.  Brody was watching me carefully, waiting for something a little better than that.  "Brody, I...I just don't think that's a good idea."  I spoke quietly, not able to meet his eyes.

"Why not?  We spend half our nights together anyway.  You have a key to my house, I have a key to your house.  Lauren could take over your lease and her problem would be solved too," he pointed out.

"I just can't," I said lamely.  "It's so soon.  I don't know."

"Does that matter?" he asked softly.  "It might be soon, but is this not serious?"

He was trying to be political, but I could tell he was hurt by my hasty dismissal of this idea.  "Of course it's serious," I said quickly.  "I love you.  I can't imagine my life without you.  But...moving in together... Brody, that's huge.  And it scares me."

"What scares you about it?"  He was so calm, so willing to hear what I had to say, but I was freaking out internally.  It was terrifying that he was so ready to have me move in, and I didn't know why.  And I was scared to hurt him by not wanting to.

"I don't know.  It just seems like that's when relationships fall apart."  I looked up at him for the first time, but quickly looked away.

"Why? Because that's when things fell apart with you and John?" he asked.  He was still keeping his voice calm, but out of the corner of my eye I saw his jaw tighten.

"Yes.  I mean, no, we didn't actually even live together.  But...I don't know!"  I couldn't stop my voice from getting more shrill as this conversation went on.

"I'm not John.  This isn't your relationship with John."  His tone had hardened, and I could tell he was fighting to keep his cool.

"I know you're not John.  Our relationship is so much better and healthier and more functional than my relationship with John, but that's my only sort of experience with this and that's all I have to base my feelings on.  And so it's scary.  I'm sorry."

Brody tipped my chin up gently and I met his eyes.  As soon as I did, I felt the tears that had been building start to slide over my lower lid.  He didn't say anything and I felt like he was just waiting for me to change my mind and agree to move in.  I suddenly felt so trapped.  "I think I should go," I said softly.

He looked surprised.  "Wait, seriously?"

I nodded miserably.  "I'm just really overwhelmed.  I need some space to wrap my head around this all."  Tears slid down my cheeks and I dropped my gaze again.

"I don't want you to drive in this shit," he said.  "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Brody, I need space.  Please, let me go."

"Well I'm not holding you hostage," he snapped, finally shattering his calm veneer.  He took a deep breath and continued, a little more evenly, "But it's late, it's snowing, and you're upset.  I'd feel a lot better if you stayed.  You can sleep in the guest room if you need some space."

"No," I replied stubbornly.  "I want to go home."

He sighed.  "Can I drive you, then?  My vehicle is better in this shit than yours."

I was getting more and more angry, and I was close to exploding.  "No, Brody.  You can't.  I'm going home and I'm driving myself.  You can't protect me from everything!"

His jaw clenched and the muscles in his neck flexed angrily, but he recognized I was at my limit.  "Okay," he said tightly, holding up his hands.  "Okay.  But please, will you let me know when you get home at least?"

"Yes, I will," I said, my voice a more appropriate volume.

I stood up and walked stiffly towards the door.  I grabbed my coat and shoved my feet into my boots.  Brody put his hand on my arm and turned me gently towards him.  He kissed my cheek softly and brushed one lingering tear away.  "I love you, please drive carefully," he murmured.

"I love you too," I replied, then I turned and left.

The snow in Brody's driveway was heavy and I dragged my feet through it as I trudged to my little Honda CR-V.  I was wishing that I'd gotten new tires on it before this winter, at least.  It'll be fine, I thought to myself.  I'll drive slow.  The plows hadn't even been out here yet, and it was definitely slow going on the curving, dark roads.

I was nearly to the highway when a deer darted out in front of me.  Without even thinking, I hit my brake pedal hard.  I was acutely aware of the moment my brakes became useless.  The first thing that popped into my head was "Of course he was right."  Then the back end of my car started to swing out to left and my only thought was that I hoped there was no oncoming traffic.

Lauren: Everything is Different Now

Happy Sunday!  Here is, as promised, a "thank you" bonus.  You guys have been asking for more Lauren and Alex so here is Lauren's perspective on her move.  I tried to do Alex's, but it just wasn't working so Lauren it is!  If you didn't visit yesterday because you weren't expecting a post until today, you'll find the most current post from the main storyline (along with some info about my plans for the blog for the forseeable future) below this post.  Thanks again for your patience, support, and general awesomeness!
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It's Sunday, and I'm sitting on my couch looking at Craigslist for the 17th time this week while Alex showers.  There's nothing new and exciting, and I sigh.  I scroll back up to the top of the page and start to go through again.  My lease is up in a month and my apartment complex is raising my rent $100 a month, which is ludicrous because I'm a good tenant.  For some reason, every other complex in my price range (and some out of my price range, even) has horrible reviews and ratings, and there is very little for duplexes, townhomes, or affordable single family homes available right now.  Anything that's available is either way more than I want to pay or is super sketchy.

"Looking again?" Alex asks.

I turn and see him coming out of my bedroom.  I had been so focused on my search that I hadn't even heard him get out of the shower or leave the bathroom.  But now he's standing in front of me and my search is forgotten because he's only wearing a pair of sweatpants, and I'm eye level with his perfect abs.  They're flat and lean with just a hint of cut--just the way I like them.  Six packs creep me out.  He takes my laptop out of my hands and closes it, setting it down on the couch next to me.  Grabbing my hands, he tugs me gently to my feet. 

"You'll find something babe," he says.  He's the only person that will ever be able to call me babe and escape with their life.  In fact, I kind of like it when he does it--not that I'd ever admit it.   "But it hasn't changed since you looked when you were still laying in bed this morning."

"You're right," I say miserably.  "It hasn't."

"So how about I distract you for awhile?" he asks, sliding his hands across my waist and squeezing my ass.  He keeps his hands there and pulls me against him.  When his lips touch mine, I deem his distraction successful...or I would, if I could even remember what it is I'm being distracted from.

Alex's mouth moves from mine and I shiver as it lands on my neck.  I groan softly as his fingers hook under the waistband of my leggings and start to tug them down.  Once I've stepped out of them, he turns us around so that his back is to the couch and then he sits, pulling me on top of him.  When I'm settled, straddling his lap, he pulls away long enough to tug my shirt over my head.  I run my hands over his chest and shoulders as he unhooks my bra, then gasp as he tugs on one of my nipples with his teeth.

When I go for his pants, he lifts his hips just high enough for me to slide them down.  He's hard and groans as I wrap my hand around him.  "Don't waste your time," he murmurs, shifting my weight closer to him so I can slide down onto him.  I grip his hair in my fists and tip his head up so I can kiss him as I start moving my hips against his.  He pulls away and says "Two can play that game," before grabbing a handful of my hair and tilting my head to the side so he can kiss and nip at my neck.  His teeth scrape lightly across my collarbone and I moan, moving faster.  Finally he slips a hand in between our bodies and slides his thumb against me, using his other other hand--no longer tangled in my hair--to keep my hips moving against his as I come hard.  After several more thrusts into me he tenses and groans, then drops his head down onto my shoulder, breathing hard. 

After a few minutes to catch our breath, I slide off Alex's lap and we rearrange ourselves on the couch.  I settle myself against him and weave one of my legs through his.  One of Alex's hands pushes into my hair and his fingers slide across my scalp.  I sigh happily and shut my eyes. 

They don't stay shut for long though, as my current conundrum comes rushing back to me.  "Alex, what am I going to do?  I need to figure this shit out, like yesterday." 

His fingers still for a second as he sighs softly.  I'm sure he's rolling his eyes at me too.  This has been occupying my mind for the last three weeks.  "Can you stay here month-to-month to give yourself more time to find something so you don't have to be so rushed?" he suggests.

"That would be a great idea," I retort, "If they weren't trying to charge an additional $75 a month for month-to-month on top of the $100 increase.  And $30 more to do a 3 or 6 month lease."

"Hey Miss Attitude, I didn't know you'd already looked into that as an option.  I'm just trying to help."

"Sorry," I mutter.  "I know you are. This is just all so asinine, I'm a good tenant.  I've always paid my rent on time, I never complain about shit, and I certainly don't break things.  I mean, I guess my cleaning leaves a little to be desired, but it's not like it's gross in here, just cluttered and a little dusty."

Suddenly, I feel so stressed and overwhelmed that I feel like I'm going to cry, which is ridiculous because I don't do that shit.  I press my face against Alex's  chest and take a deep, shuddering breath, fighting the tears.  "Hey, it'll be okay," Alex says, sounding bewildered at my sudden emotion.  "You'll figure it out.  I'll help you look.  I'll help you move.  It'll be fine." 

"Sorry," I mumble, my voice muffled by Alex's chest.  "I don't know what's wrong with me."   Alex says nothing, but his fingers continue to massage my scalp and I start to relax a little.  We stay like that for awhile and I wouldn't mind staying forever except I'm starting to get hungry. 

When my stomach growls, Alex laughs.  "Lunch?" he asks.  I nod and sit up, stretching and grabbing my clothes off the floor.  I walk to the bathroom to get cleaned up and ready to go and emerge 15 minutes later.  Alex is dressed and ready and we head out to find something to eat.

We're sitting at a table in one of the restaurants near my apartment when Alex says, "So, if you can't find anything, what about moving in with me?" He says it casually, but I almost choke on the drink of water I had just taken. 

"Ummm...." I say, trying to buy time to analyze what he means by "if you can't find anything."  Last resort?  Does he really want me to move in, or is he just trying to be nice because my almost-crying freaked him out?  That's a big commitment if he's just trying to avoid tears.  He raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something intelligent.  I let him down by saying, "Hmm, really?"

He chuckles.  "Yes, really, Laur.  Why not?  I have plenty of space, and I live way closer to your job and everything else than you do.  I have an extra bedroom that can be yours if you want your own space." 

I just stare at him.  He threw it out there so casually, so matter-of-factly.  And the funny thing is that a few months ago, I wouldn't have hesitated.  A few months ago, when Alex and I were just friends, I would have moved in with him in an instant.  But everything is different now, and what once would have been an awesome living arrangement isn't even an option I considered on my own. 

I mean, we haven't even defined our relationship.  We kind of don't need to, I guess.  We both know.  Neither of us are seeing anyone else.  Neither of us want to.  We are absolutely in an exclusive, serious relationship...but neither of us has said it out loud.  And now here he is suggesting I move in with him.  But only if I can't find anything else?  Is that even a real offer to move in?  In this moment, I hate that all this has turned me into the person that over-analyzes things to death instead of just looking at the facts.  Fucking feelings.  Just call me Olivia.

I realize that I've been silent for what must be an uncomfortable amount of time for Alex when he clears his throat and says, "Like I said, if you can't find anything else.  Think about it.  Let me know."  And then just like that, the conversation is over. 

Over the next couple days, moving is pretty much all I think about.  I still can't find anything.  I look at two places on Monday after work and one is in a super shady part of town, and the other is really nice except it has a bad musty, moldy smell.  Nope.  I'm starting to panic because I only have a few weeks to find a new place and move.  So of course, I spend most of Tuesday talking myself into moving in with Alex. 

Tuesday night I meet Liv, Kinsley, and Cassie for dinner and drinks.  They are the furthest thing from supportive when I tell them about my potential plan.  In fact, they're kind of assholes about it.  All of them.  Even Liv.  But, harsh as they are (and let's be honest, I've dished out plenty of harsh reality checks and advice in my day, so I probably deserve it), I know they're right.  Luckily, Liv comes to my rescue by offering me her second bedroom as an interim place to stay.  I've never loved her more than I do in this minute.  Or at least, as much as I do once I get over their rude reactions.

I talk to her briefly after dinner and tell her I'll look for the rest of this week, and I'll let her know next weekend if I want to move in.  We agree that I would then move in a week after that.  I figure that will give her a little bit of time to get the room ready, and then I'll hopefully have time to get everything moved.

On Thursday, I go home with Alex after happy hour.  "Everything the light touches is your kingdom," he jokes as he flips on the light when we walk in.  "Or, could be, anyway." 

"Hmm, actually," I start tentatively, "Liv offered her second bedroom for a few months."  I wait, watching him, trying to decide what he thinks of that.  A look of...relief? something else? flashes briefly across his face.  I can't quite decipher it, but I know it's not disappointment.  I've seen that look.  I know it well.

"That's nice of her," he says.  His tone is bland, diplomatic.  I can't read it.  It's actually a little irritating.  I raise my eyebrows, hoping he'll say more.  He does, but it's not what I wanted.  "So what's your plan?"

I consider asking him what he really wants.  Now that I have options, he can be honest if he doesn't want me to move in.  But I realize quickly that asking him that is a lose-lose situation.  If he really does want me to move in, I'll know that I'll hurt him by moving in with Liv.  And if he really doesn't want me to move in...well, as much as I hate to admit it, my feelings will be hurt.  Because even if I don't want to move in with him, I want him to want me to move in with him.  So I don't ask.  I don't really want to know.  Instead, I say, "I think I'm going to move in with Liv for a little while.  Hopefully in the spring there will be more things available." 

Alex nods.  "That seems like a good plan."  God, he could be a fucking politician.  His face is completely expressionless and there's nothing in his tone to give anything away.  "So you'll need some help moving some stuff, I'm guessing?"

I stare at him.  As much as I know it's a bad idea to ask him what he's thinking, it is driving me crazy that I can't read anything on his face or in his words.  "Stop looking at me like that," he says, finally smiling.  He reaches for me and pulls me against him.  "I think this is a good plan.  Remember when I told you I didn't want to push you into anything you didn't want?  Still true.  So relax."  Well at least one of us can read the other, I guess.  And it's completely infuriating because I still can't tell from that if he really did or didn't want me to move in.  But at least I know that he's (probably?  hopefully?) not upset by my choice.  I shake my head, trying to clear my warring thoughts out of my brain. 

"Then yeah, I guess I'll need some help moving some stuff.  Will you, please?" I respond finally.  Then I look up at him and smile, dying for some normalcy.  "I'll make it worth your while."

"Oh really?" he asks, grinning wickedly.  "And here I would have done it for free, out of the goodness of my heart.  Glad I have you to keep me from selling myself short!" 

I let out a silent breath of relief at the normal exchange, then roll my eyes at him and lead him towards his bedroom to make myself feel normal again in the only way I really know how.