(Now) Lauren: The Point of No Return

Here is a little more on Lauren and Alex.  For next Friday, I'd like to do the date from one of their perspectives, but I can't decide whose.  I'm leaning towards Alex, because we have a better idea of Lauren's feelings than Alex's, but I'm not sure.  If you guys could do me a favor and leave a comment with whose perspective you'd prefer for the date, that would be most helpful!  Thanks!
_______________________________ 

I had thought that Alex was disappointed to be so unceremoniously kicked out the day after the wedding, but he gave no indication of disappointment the next time I saw him.  In fact, he was his normal, cheerful self, giving me shit unapologetically. 

So maybe I misread the situation.  And to be completely honest, I'm not sure why I've spent so much time thinking about it.  At least, I spent a lot of time thinking about it when I wasn't thinking about Brad, my coworker.  Once we'd finally just had sex, he couldn't seem to stay away.  So much for him being uptight about company policy.  I was completely okay with that, because the sex was so good.

But now it's been a couple weeks, and I've been sleeping with Brad regularly, and it's just so...easy.   Almost too easy.  It's not even fun anymore.  Part of the fun was trying to land a guy that was all paranoid about "company policy."  Don't get me wrong, the sex is still good, but it's definitely missing the excitement of the build up and subtle flirting and "accidental" contact.

And something is still bugging me about what happened with Alex.  I know I saw his irritation at my refusal to acknowledge what happened, and his disappointment when I pushed him out of my apartment.  I'm not usually wrong about that stuff.  I guess I could be wrong, but I really don't think I am.  It's just a little strange how he went back to normal after that, not bringing it up, not even looking at me the way he had looked at me.

And let's talk about that.  Let's talk about the way he looked at me.  Because I don't think he's ever looked at me like that, even after racking my brain back through all our years together.  After I got over my initial confusion about whether he wanted to date me or just be my friend, back when I had just met him, I had never again felt like he might want anything more from me than friendship.  Never.  But on that Sunday, he had definitely looked at me like he wanted a lot more.

Of course, to complicate it all, I have feelings on the subject too.  And my feelings are: NOPE.  Because what is more terrifying than potentially ruining a long term, amazing friendship by crossing the line out of friendship and into...relationship?  Fuck buddies?  Or whatever it is that he wants.

And I know he knows I don't do relationships.  He was there to witness the after-effects of my one failed attempt.  And after that, after my world had come crumbling down over a stupid guy that I barely even knew, I had promised myself that I would never be in that place again.  And the only way to avoid that place was to avoid relationships.  Because relationships end.  Always.  You break up, you get divorced, someone dies.  There is no such thing as "together forever."

So, if I'm firmly anti-Alex-as-anything-more-than-a-friend, why am I pissed off that he's flirting with some random skanky-looking girl at this bar we're at?  I do have several reasons, actually.  One is that she barely looks like she's old enough to be in this bar.  I mean, she looks like she's in high school.  Another reason is that she looks like the girl in high school that gave out BJs under the bleachers.  Gross.  And her hair is a mess.  She needs a new straightener, or at least to embrace her natural curls.

"Lauren, what are you looking at?" Kinsley's voice breaks into my nasty, judgmental thoughts about the girl Alex is talking to, and my cheeks heat up a little when I realize I'm caught.

"Nothing, just kind of zoning out," I reply, turning to look at her.  She gives me a look like she doesn't quite believe me but she lets it go anyway, and I'm thankful.  I wish suddenly that I hadn't driven here, because I could use another drink.  Instead, I take a sip of my water and force a smile for Kinsley's benefit.  When Alex stands and walks up to the bar with one hand on that stupid girl's back, I turn away and engage in mindless conversation with Kinsley.

At some point in the next hour, the girl disappears and Alex rejoins us.  I glance at my phone and see that it's already nearly 1 am.  "Do you need a ride?" I ask Kinsley.  She shakes her head and says that Damien's on his way to pick her up.

"I do, if you're offering," Alex says.

I turn to look at him and cock one eyebrow, before saying snidely,  "I was offering to Kinsley, but I guess I can give you a ride.  Does your new friend need a ride too?"  Before he can answer, Kinsley is saying goodbye and walking towards the door with Kendra and Christian.

I think maybe I got away with my jab, but Alex leans up against the table, angling his body towards me, and smirks.  "Jealous?" he asks.

I snort.  "Oh yes, absolutely," I say, my words dripping with over-the-top sarcasm.  "I am completely jealous of a barely legal bimbo flouncing around a bar, manipulating guys into buying her drinks."

He studies me for several seconds, which is long enough to make me squirm.  "I think you are," he replies.  "But no need to be jealous, because you're the one I'm leaving with."  He grabs my hand and tugs me towards the door.

"You're only leaving with me because I'm driving your drunk ass home," I snap as we weave through the people.

"Okay," he says back.

I stubbornly refuse to engage with him until we're in my car and I mutter, "Put your seat belt on."  I don't even know why I say it.  He was in the process of reaching for it before I even started talking.

"Yes, ma'am," he replies, and I can see him stifling a laugh even out of the corner of my eye.

I stay silent on the drive, not trusting myself to talk.  When I pull into his driveway, I put the car in park and turn to look at him.  He's looking at me already and my face gets warm when our eyes meet.  This is the first time I've been alone with him since the day after the wedding, and I'm kind of freaking out.

"Come in for a little while," he says.  It's stated as a command, but his tone makes it clear it's a request.

"Why?" I ask, grasping for reasons why I shouldn't.  My apartment is in a really inconvenient place, and I've spent the night with Alex before after a night out.  Completely innocently, of course, so it would be weird for me to refuse this time.  If I refused this time, it would mean...something.  But if I spent the night tonight, it would also mean something.

"Because you want to."  His voice is soft but he's looking at me with that look again.  The look.  The one from my apartment right before I kicked him out.

"No I don't," I protest, but we both know I'm lying.  He takes his seat belt off and leans across the center console and my heart races, because I'm pretty sure he's going to kiss me.  But instead, he reaches for my keys and turns them, turning off my car.  I glare at him.  Who the fuck does he think he is?   I'm about to rebuke him, but he grabs my hand, turns it over so my palm is up, and presses my keys into it.  I stare down at my hand, furious at my body betraying me by sending heat up my arm from where Alex's skin touches my own.

He keeps his gentle grip on my wrist, but two fingers from the hand that once held my keys tip my chin up, and there's no mistaking the look on his face, even in the semi-darkness.  After my eyes lock with his, the fingers on my chin slide back along my jaw, across my neck, and into my hair.  His grip is light, and I could move if I wanted to, but I don't.  "Come inside," he says again.  I shake my head.  I can't.  But even as I'm shaking my head, I'm leaning towards him.

When our lips meet, it feels different than it did after the wedding.  Probably partially because I'm not drunk, but something else too.  When we kissed after the wedding, it was something to do.  He was there, we were drunk, it made sense.  But now...it feels like it means something.  That thought makes me pull back abruptly, and I see the same disappointment on Alex's face that I had seen the day after the wedding.

"You're drunk," I say, my voice cracking.  I clear my throat.  "I don't want...I shouldn't..." I stop, having no idea what I was going to say.

"I'm not, actually," he replies.  I roll my eyes, because seriously?  "How many drinks do you think I had?" he asks curiously.  I think back, realizing I only actually saw him with one drink.  And then I realize that he's not acting like drunk Alex either.  And then I realize he's still in my space, and despite every logical bone in my body, I want to go inside with him.

"Okay," I sigh.  Alex pulls back a little further and looks at me, confused.  I grab my purse, drop my keys--which had still been clenched in my hand--in it, and take my seat belt off.  "Well, are you coming in or not?" I ask him as I open my door, needing to regain just the smallest bit of control.  He scrambles to get out of the car and easily catches up to me before I reach his front door.

Once we're inside, he turns to me and starts to say something, but I quickly shut him up by kissing him hard and pulling him against me.  If we're going to do this, we're going to do it on my terms.  I walk backwards three steps, pulling him with me, our lips never breaking contact.  When my back is settled firmly against the wall and I'm trapped by Alex's body, tight against mine, I turn my head slightly, breaking our kiss.  "I still don't do relationships, you know," I advise him.

"I know," he agrees.  His voice is serious, and so is his face.  Good.  I need him to know where I'm at right now before we go anything further.

"You shouldn't anticipate that that will change," I continue, studying his face as I talk, looking for clues to how he feels about this.

"I know," he repeats.  "I respect that."  He respects that.  What does that mean?  That he wants it to change, but he's not going to push it?  I don't move, I don't say anything.  I don't want to do anything that's going to damage our friendship, and I need something more concrete than "I respect that."  He seems to understand my hesitation and says softly, "I'd never push you for anything you don't want, Lauren.  Never.  I care about our friendship way too much for that.  I'm okay with this."

That's all I need, and I slip my fingers into his hair, pulling his head down to mine and kissing him.  His hands grip my hips as he moves his mouth to my ear, sucking on my earlobe, then down my neck.  I tip my head back so he can move his lips across my throat, and I groan softly.  He suddenly pulls his mouth away, but before I can be disappointed, he turns me so I'm facing away from him.  He kisses the back of my neck as his hands move up under my shirt, unhooking my bra before sliding back around and cupping my breasts.

In minutes, my shirt is gone and my pants are around my ankles, and I'm moaning with my forehead pressed against the wall as his fingers move between my legs.  I put my hand on his wrist and stop his hand so I can gasp, "Do you have a condom?"  I'm ready to get this show on the road.

"In my room," he replies, his breath warm against my ear.  He steadies me as I step out of my pants and then leads me to his room.  I sit on the edge of the bed as I wait for him to get undressed and get a condom.  When he returns to me, he slides his hands up my legs, pushing them apart as he starts to kneel in front of me.  "No," I growl, pulling him up.  "Just fuck me."

He cocks an eyebrow and smirks.  "If that's what you want," he replies playfully.  Before I can respond, he's flipped me over so I'm bent over the bed, facedown.  I gasp and grip the blankets as he pushes into me hard.  I moan as he eases back slowly, and I try to rock my hips back to meet him but he keeps me still with his hands on my hips, then slams back against me.

We're sweaty and breathless by the time we both finish, and I need Alex to help pull me up from where I want to just melt into the bed, half standing, half laying.

"Damn, that was good," I mutter, settling into a comfortable spot, kicking the blankets away from where they try to tangle around my feet. 

"Even better sober," Alex agrees with a chuckle, returning from the bathroom and sliding close to me.  I roll over towards him and snuggle against his chest.  What?  I get affectionate after sex.  It's pretty much the only time.  I yawn as he wraps one arm around me and pushes the other into my hair, gently rubbing his fingertips against my scalp.  He knows how much I love that, and seems more than happy to do it.

When I can no longer keep my eyes open, I sit up and stretch.  "I should go,"I say, hesitating.  I don't really want to, but I don't think staying is a good idea either.

"Stay, Laur.  It's late."  Alex looks up at me, his face unreadable.  I don't say anything, but I don't move either.  "It's never meant anything in the past, it doesn't need to mean anything now either."  I wish I could believe that, but I don't.  I yawn again.  "Look," Alex says, sitting up.  "I'll give you clothes to wear.  You can sleep on the damn couch if you really want to.  But it's late and you're tired, and I don't feel good about you driving home right now."  He has a point, and I finally nod.  He gets up, pulls on a pair of shorts he picked up off the floor and walks over to his dresser.

I can't help but admire the muscles in his shoulders and back as he pulls drawers open and grabs a few things.  He comes back to the bed and hands me a shirt and a pair of shorts.  I pull the shirt on, and it's long enough that I just hand the shorts back.  "I don't know if I can resist you if I wake up in the morning with you pants-less in my bed," he warns. 

I shrug and smirk.  "Well, I was going to go sleep on the couch, but I like morning sex, so I think I'll stay here."  I pull the blankets up and lay back.  Alex chuckles and climbs back into bed next to me.  He lays next to me on his side, and drapes his arm over my stomach.  I hesitate for a half a second before I roll onto my side and press my back against his chest as he tightens his arm around my waist.

"Goodnight, Lauren," he whispers against the back of my neck.  I shiver slightly from his breath tickling my skin.

"Goodnight," I reply sleepily.  As I close my eyes, I finally admit to myself that there's no way our relationship can stay how it's always been after this.  We passed the point of no return tonight, and I let it happen. 
____________________________

Don't forget to let me know whose perspective you'd like to read about their date in!